Continued support and fun aspects too of rebuilding lives after estrangement can't believe 4 years and we still here to offer help, friendship and support.

Eddiecat sympathies, I have been poorly about a month, not just awful back pain but got sickness bug finally got some help last wed from dr started antibiotic and going nhs enblood tesrs wed, and ultrasound, I have felt v unwell indeed,

Hope everyone enjoys easter someone said why post o here your Estranged daughter can see what your doing, who cares really?

We had lovely visit from my little great niece and nephew yesterday and wed their mum popped round with easter cards little girl had made us with get well message, it did cheer me up.
Yesterday if felt better and made cake for them little xxxxxxx loves my lemon cake

Smilelss will pm you sort bee. Difficult week
We had rough time too??dh reversed into our friends car Monday
Also we heard a friend died his wife sent us card, he used to be dh dispenser when I first met him, so very sad funeral next Friday.
Some good news Rosie still doing well!

Happy easter all of us!
Fairydoll no worries still about!

Jayanna9040 I hear you and know what you mean about avoiding going out at these times.

Hello Starlady

Sorry everyone I panicked lol!

Well I don't really belong here but I'm cleaning the house and going on Gransnet. No grandchildren at all and never will be so I avoid going out much on "family" type holiday times. It's about the only time the house gets a clean!

Sorry you were sick, eddie. Hope you're feeling better.

Happy Easter, everyone!

Starlady here, Sparkly! Busy getting ready for Easter, but taking a break to stop in here for a while.

Hi eddiecat78 sorry to hear you are ill and hope it passes really quickly - whew maybe you are right, and some maybe have family visiting

Hello Sparkly - I`ve been quiet because I`ve got a tummy bug - hope that`s not the same for everyone else. Perhaps they are all busy eating chocolate
Happy Easter

Where has everyone gone? Smileless2012? celebgran? nina59? Rhinestone? Starlady?

ooops 'won't' not wot.

Thank you Starlady and celebgran....celeb sorry to hear about your sore tum, I hope it is not sore now...

Interesting tiny segment on tonight's Eastender's about someone 'allowing access' to a grandchild - it was described as ''spreading a little kindness'' by the character challenging another character tempted to block a grandparent out...

I know it wot help individually but social acceptability may eventually help some.....off to finish watching Yellowstone

Sparklyngran I do know exactly what you mean, I kinda feel a weird sadness in back of mind, but it isn't not so painful now as used to be seeing little ones with grans,

I am feeling rubbish With my tum trouble still. Not got dressed yet, and we supposed be good going out tonight eight of us to dance,

Wanted to say Smilelss enjoy seeing your son, was my turn last week when we visited and saw their lovey new home, I was up and down but thank god bit better than today!
So desperately sad for your d imlaw and her mum hope they somehow get the strength to cope, what day is funeral?
Do understand how very bittersweet the reunion is.

It does make me even sadder how our estranged ones can be so cruel when life is so very short.

Happy weekend all and open day I may feel better!
Not able get dr appt or even nurse, kind receptionist spoke to gp and rs g me back, do another sample Monday and keep trying estrangement normally was advice,
Had hospital pre not cneck Thursday and another routine appt fri so quitemsteessful week,
Was told tor Elam more b pressure high and need get two lower reading from dr I explained getting spots is nigh on impossible! Already had one Thursday and got one with nurse wed, yet our surgery is still taking on new patients!
However since I have been so ill with tum trouble been unable even get appt with nurse,

Thank you, SparklyGrandma! Same to you!

Sorry to hear about the bittersweet pain of seeing others with their gc. I hope things change for you, eventually.

Smileless2012 I hope you are seeing your DS and DiL soon and that you are able to help comfort your DiL on her sad loss...

Jammy sorry to hear of your pain and family dynamics around childhood, best wishes

Today here in Wales its looking like a warm and sunny day with a bit of a chill around the edges...getting ready to go out and enjoy lunch in the sun. Its always a bit of a 'jerk' at this time of year seeing others out enjoying the nicer weather with their grandchildren, a special kind of pain - both happy to see it and wanting to see one's own so sad as well....

celergran Rhinestone Smileless2012 nina1959 Starlady eddiecat78 wishing you all (and others) a nice sunny weekend

Smileless Sometimes out of sorrow comes some light. A true tragedy for your son and his wife. I hope your dil will be comforted by the memories of her father. As for you and Mr. S I know that seeing your son will bring true happiness for you both. Enjoy your visit

Jammyand BIG (((hugs))). The worst thing about this is you won't know how you'll feel when you see her, until you do. I hope that your therapist will help you with this terrible dilemma.

Sometimes I wonder how I'd react if I answered the door and ES was standing there; I think my reaction would be one of three things. A tidal wave of love, a tidal wave of anger or nothing, nothing at all.

Well at the moment I'm all excited emotion. DS will be arriving tomorrow and our lovely d.i.l. will be coming to stay with him after the funeral. It's bitter sweet, knowing that they're here because of the death of her father. She is DS's priority of course and they are desperately trying to be there for her family which is why even though arrived back in the UK on Sunday, we still haven't him. It's been the longest 5 days, knowing he's so near yet so far; roll on tomorrow.

Jammytoast, have you ever seen a therapist for inner child work? Healing your inner child may be the thing you need to do before you get too involved with your mother again.
I know a little about the inner child but it's hard going and can be very painful. Ideally you need to see an experienced therapist to get you through it. It is very helpful though.
At least learning about protecting your inner child might be a worthwhile exercise because each time you go back to your mother, you place that uncared for 4 year old back in the front line.
How much longer can you keep doing that?

Your best route to solving your dilemma might be to write down what you want as an outcome? Then look at your reasons for being in touch with your mother. Are you the adult going back because you think you should tidy up the mess so that you aren't left with regrets when she dies?
Why do you need to clear up a mess you didn't create?
Or is it the 4 year old in you still desperate for her mum to love her?
You must have such a conflicting range of emotions going on in your head.

I can understand. Personally, I wouldn't dive into any deep water without preparing myself for twists and turns first. I'd listen to your counsellor, although sometimes they can't always give clear advice or tell you what to do. But I'd definitely try and be clear about your own reasons for wanting to contact her after you've been through so much.

Forgiveness really only happens once our hearts have healed. But there's no time limit to forgive someone so it might be best to work on getting you fixed first before you go and tackle more demons.
If your mum dies in the meantime, you can still do things that help to heal both of you. It doesn't all rest on life and death. Don't pressure yourself into going back without being clear about the kind of result you want and bear in mind that the only person we can ever change is us. No one else. xx

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. But, Jammy, your mum hasn't really asked for forgiveness, has she? Because she hasn't admitted she really did anything wrong, so how could she ask for forgiveness? She hasn't truly apologized - not for what she needs to apologize for, not for abandoning for failing to protect you from abuse as a baby, leaving you with an abusive father or treating you abusively, herself, in later years.

In fact, she continues to abuse you, in a sense, by denying your perception of what happened, dismissing your painful feelings, and trying to protect her own ego at your expense. She doesn't want to face the fact that she's a mother who hurt her child so badly, so she's trying to confuse you and make you doubt your own memory and experience.

That's a lot of emotional abuse, one thing piled on top of another, for her to acknowledge, let alone apologize for. She probably won't do either. Can you forgive her for all that if she doesn't even admit to it? I don't think I could.

If you need to forgive her for your own sake, then go for it. But if not, or if you can't, then please don't try to force yourself. She doesn't merit it and again, she hasn't truly asked for it.

Do you need to be able to forgive her in order to go see her? I think so. Otherwise, imo, it will be very painful for you both. But only you can know how you feel about that.

Still, I agree with pps that your therapist will best be able to guide you. If that doesn't work, listen to what your gut is telling you. My heart is with you, whatever you decide. (((Hugs)))

Jammy I am no expert on abandonment issues but it may do yourself some good by talking to her to find out why she did the things she did and walked out on her family. Sometimes we see things through a child's eye our whole life and need to see it through an adults after knowing the facts. i agree that her behavior was unacceptable as a parent. But talking to a therapist before you make a decision is a good thing. You will gain confidence and support no matter what you decide.

Rhine No, I've never really 'confronted' her as such but any time I ever did voice upset I was roundly slapped down. She couldn't see any viewpoint other than her own. She often told me my view of reality was wrong. No, she was never on drugs or alcohol. And yes eddie I am aware she might/probably will, want more of me than I can give. It may well be a shock to her that I won't engage at the level she'd want and she'd have to process that. I do have a sibling. I was the oldest, the next in line was only 4 when she walked out. The severity of that hits me now being a mother myself. How can you walk out on a needy 4yo?

Hello Jammy,
You seem to be focussing your thinking solely in terms of your mother dying, but from what you've said, that isn't necessarily imminent. Yes, she has health issues, but she has apparently overcome them before. She isn't old by today's values. I feel it would be better if you based your decision on her being around for some time....and how that would impact on you if you resumed contact. In other words, the likelihood that nothing has really changed over the last ten years.

No one can make the decision for you, but reading "when I think about it I make myself sick with upset. I get enormous bodily pain, headaches, I can't eat, I feel like death - no exaggeration" makes me feel that you could be seriously endangering your own health, both physical and emotional, if you decide to see her. Also, it sounds as if your pain is all about the past, and as you rightly say, she can't change or take that away. Would you be able to sustain a relationship where, once again the real pain is suppressed, and nothing has really changed?

Jammytoast - if you trust your therapist I would be guided by them - they will know you much better than we do.

Bear in mind that if you do see your mother and she is feeling unwell and vulnerable she might want more from you than you are able to give - and, in my opinion, more than she is entitled to ask for bearing in mind your history. You might end up feeling pressured into spending more time with her than you feel comfortable with.

Jammytoast Have you ever confronted her about what's happened? You may find some closure if you did that. Was she on drugs or alcohol?
Do you have siblings and if so were they treated the same way?

Just for the record Lucky my dm has just turned 68 so not really old but her health is quite poor. I have therapy again tomorrow, I'll talk it through there. When I did finally manage to sleep last night I had nasty bad dreams.

What a pity you had to see those notes, look what feelings that has unleashed. I don't think it is always best to know everything, some things are too big. Think, what would seeing her, now old and vulnerable, do for you?. If it means closure only you know that. You were a baby and vulnerable and now you're older your still not healed. (((??))) treasure what you have and your future.

I understand how you are feeling, it has been similar for me...... I would definitely see her...... I had to forgive.... There was no other way forward..... My parents are 85 and 89 and I see them every few weeks or so...... Not easy but I still do it.... I also talk regularly in between on the phone. Mum has dementia and Dad needs support to look after her and although my past is incredibly painful with them.... I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for them and in doing that it helps me too..... I don't know if that makes sense.... Hope that helps you