Continued support and fun aspects too of rebuilding lives after estrangement can't believe 4 years and we still here to offer help, friendship and support.

Well, if she rejected me then that would be easy, decision made & I wouldn't need to think about it again. This side of that happening, it doesn't feel painful. I'm already rejected. How would I feel if she apologised? Well she kind of already has... She wrote to me two years ago and said she was very sorry for the split - without actually taking ownership of anything that caused it. & yes, she told me she loved me. It didn't make any difference at the time. I thought about it for many months and then just let it drift. I'm not sure how I'd feel if she dies. I guess I'd feel there was nothing more I could have done at that moment and I'd be very sad but then I can't erase the decades of pain already there. I know that even if we were reconciled, she can't 're-parent' those early years and take away the damage. She's also getting to the age where traditionally, the child would 'give' more to the parent than vice versa.
My boat was rocked MASSIVELY recently when I read my medical notes from birth for the first time. It was clear that my abuse started from one year old, something I didn't previously know. Finding that out was like going through a car-crash. I was so hurt I felt like death. It's so terribly sad. I've really had to grit my teeth lately to resist my deathly feelings. The pain has been incredible. I am paying an absolute fortune every month for cutting-edge trauma care and that is helping me cope. I think she thinks that meeting me will take her pain away but she'll see me reserved & it won't be the answer she's hoping for. It might actually be more painful for her to see how distant I am. I also can't think beyond an initial meeting either. What would happen next? For me, I think it would probably be another years break. That would probably be too long for her. See how this is impacting on my life? It's 2am and I'm stuck mulling this over instead of sleeping...

Jammy you must ask yourself
1. How would you feel if you contacted her and she rejected you
2. How would you feel if you contacted her and she apologised for all the hurt she caused you and said she loved you
3. How would you feel after she dies and you hadn't contacted her

Only you know which is the more likely of 1) and 2).
Whichever you decide, it is not going to be easy.
Go for the least worst option.

Smilelss you putmthatnsoo well and it says it all jammytoast go for your peace of mind but don't get too involved is my advice, and as smileless says don't have any expectations that your mum will have altered

It's not much help I know Jammy to say 'do what feels right for YOU' but that's all I can say. You are the most important person when it comes to you and your mother so if she were to die without you seeing her again, and you feel that you'll forever feel guilty, for your sake go and see her.

Go in the knowledge that she wont have changed, she'll have nothing to offer you but that's not why you'll go, you'll go because it's what you need to do for yourself.

Jammy, if you think you will be more upset by not contacting, by all means go ahead, it should all be about how you feel after your terrible upbringing. I cannot see how she will have changed though, you could be setting you and yours up for a very painful and emotional time, no one could blame you if you didn't contact. . You are the important one, no child deserves the life you had being left with an abusive father by a mother who should have protected you. If you have a good family unit round you, do what you can to protect you all. It upsets me so much that any child should suffer, you should be do proud of yourself for what you have become, my first instinct would be to look after the family you have, but know that sometimes our sense of duty, even to someone that doesn't deserve it, can weigh heavily. Sending you ?? and the courage to do what is right for you.

Oh, Jammytoast, what a dilemma! I like Rhinestone's idea, but want to add that, "unstable" or not, imo, your mother has been as abusive in her way, as your father in his. You may want to think of that, too, while you're making your decision. The pain you feel when thinking about contacting her may be your own body warning you of possible abuse, if "only" emotional.

In the end, Minty is right, you need to do what will be most comfortable for you.

Hoping you're able to make this decision soon and won't regret whatever one you make.

JammytoastI remember your story and thought how incredible that you are a survivor. No one but you can decide what to do but I will tell you that you can get through the guilt by thinking differently. Sometimes we only see and think in one direction. Think of your mother as someone who has no coping skills or one who is severely impaired psychologically. I say this because when my bipolar mother would get manic it was easier for me to deal with knowing that she was impaired. She may not have the stitches or cast on her arm to prove it as in a physical illness, but in order to leave you and say cruel things to you she cannot be anything but of an unsound mind.
I know you will do what's right for you.
For many of us here it might be easier to understand our estrangement if we felt our estranged loved ones were mentally unstable. Good luck to you and keep in touch with us.

Jammytoast ?You are obviously a kind persons with a conscience,

How I wish our daughter was her dad wrote to her when he was greatly upset after had call ambulance before Xmas no response,

I also wrote tell her how ill our beloved King Charles Rosie is no response

So from what you said your mum wasn't the caring mum I was,

However minty is right you have to do what your heart tells you and what will give you peace. No need to see lots of her surely? Just an occasional card or one meet up to show her no hard feelings?

In my opinion I think you sound like it will upset you if she dies and you haven't reconciled but I could be wrong,

no easy decision for you am ? sorry, x

You have to do what will allow you to be at peace. Only you can make this decision.
I really hope you are able to what is right for you.

Morning everyone, as you may remember, I pop up here every once in a while to talk about the mother I am estranged from. It's been ten years or more now since I cut her off. Lately I've been thinking about possibly contacting her again. I know she's had two cancer episodes, one of which she didn't expect to survive - but did. I have a feeling she won't live out another decade and it's making me think realllly hard should I meet her? But when I think about it I make myself sick with upset. I get enormous bodily pain, headaches, I can't eat, I feel like death - no exaggeration. We had a soft separation, not a hard one. There was no plate-smashing screaming match. I just felt I couldn't be responsible for fixing the hurt in her psyche any longer, only she could do that. I nearly killed myself previously because I couldn't bear her disapproval. She never bonded with me successfully as a child, she walked out and left me & my siblings with a severely abusive father when we was young with predictable consequences. I broke with her to take back ownership of myself & also to protect my children. I don't want to have any regrets when she finally does die. If it makes any difference, I've already decided I wouldn't attend her funeral but then again, I doubt I'd be invited. My mother was never there for me when I needed her growing up. My life was full of unimaginable pain & cruelty. I never held that against her though. What I did hold against her was all the things she did in my adult life - like writing to tell me my wedding day was the worst day of her life & driving away when I was in labour with my baby. What do I do? How do I make this decision? Do I let her see me before she dies or not?

Smileless - it must be very upsetting for you all. Almost exactly 3 years ago we lost a dear friend who was just 60 (heart attack) - it was such a shock to everyone who knew him. Since then we have lost 3 more friends - all men under the age of 70 - it does make you think about your own lives. It has certainly made us feel that we want to press on with retirement sooner rather than later so we have more chance to enjoy it.
Look after yourself as well as everyone else.

How positive sparklyngran!
I felt yuck with throat thingy so had Miss Acquacise did go to be weighed tho now officially 9lb loss in 6weeks very pleased.

Then we took pot pansies to my dear mums grave.

Someone had lefts spring flowers for Mother's Day all dead now so good timing,
Reckon was my sister,

Guess what we booked another breakaway one night drinks inclusive for April 23rd
Can't keep us down!??
Rhinestone I still have moments of wish to god my son would go see my daughter but then reality checks in and i realise that is not going to happen.
For whatever reason she is determined to make us and the little ones miss out,

Smileless ??omg that poor mans wife it's way too young.

Rhinestone I had a similar idea, I rang my exDH about our estDS DiL and estDGC. Initially he made some headway (they were surpirsed I would imagine by his intervention) but then nothing changed.

Recently I checked in again with the exDH and he has been recently fed a line by our estDS and DiL that they are in contact with me and meeting is imminent.

I put him gently right and suggested we/he the exDH leave it alone as things aren't going to change.

On a LIGHTER note, just been to the garden centre and bought lovely plants for my garden and pots, along with some top soil, the lovely flowers will give me something to potter over and care for this summer

Hope you managed to get some sleep Rhinestone. Don't worry, we don't blame you for having Trump as your president.

Thank you all for your good wishes for our d.i.l. It doesn't look as if we'll see them until the weekend; they're with her sister at the moment. I can't help thinking that this time last week he was still alive, they were all getting on with their lives and now he's gone and their lives will never be the same again; he wasn't even 60.

Hope you get a good rest, Rhinestone.

Just remember that the xw will probably tell es that dh called. If dh doesn't want that he'll need to ask her not to.

Sorry you're unhappy with the President of Orange (lol). I don't blame you!

Why do women marry " bad" men ? Mel B seems so sensible but I guess when it comes to love all that sensibility goes out the window. I guess that's the same for our EC who have married spouses that are bad enough to keep them from their parents.

Smileless You are a trooper dancing the night away in those fabulous shoes. Mine would have been off after the third dance.
So sorry to hear about the passing of your dil 's father. Good to know you will be there to support her at this time.

Had a great Sunday walking in the woods with my DH and taking pictures of an owl we saw in a tree and some Herons building their nests. Now mind you I couldn't walk too well the next morning but at least we had a warm day with sun.
My DD and her children, mom and me went to see my son an hour away and then to a history museum. It was such fun with my GD running around taking pictures with an old cell phone her dad gave her. But my heart aches for the other two boys who could have shared the fun. It will never be.
The children all got along and I used to feel like a happy grandma when they were all together. So I had this thought that maybe my DH should call and talk to his X wife about their son. At least she might be able to give him some idea of why we are estranged. I will run it by him and see what he says.
Very depressing to me in the states as to what our president is doing to this country. Everyday it's some other scandal or law he is undoing. I can hardly read the news anymore. I actually fear for the younger generation. He is setting women's progress back a hundred years.
Have a good day ladies. I'm going to try and shut my brain off and go back to sleep. Too much worrying in the middle of the night.

So very sorry ninathenanna Your D is the mother, so the courts will give her joint custody if not full, so you will get to see your GC when it's sorted. She should keep her address a secret from him and his family & friends. The C can be picked up & dropped off from a meeting/safe house. Best of luck to you & your DD

Omg ninathena that sounds awful

D has broken free from her sociopathic ex but he wore her down so much, made her depressed and have panic attacks. Had his baby mummy's brother spy on her drive past her house (cul de sac) almost every night, that she couldn't cope and let him take the GC to live with him.
Now he won't allow her or us access.

sorry my post was meant to say with reference to mel b recent split and mention of controlling husband.

I gave birth to my daughter yet she felt no need to tell me she nearly lost her life last year it doesn't get much more ignorant than that

I don't believe it is all my s I law fault for one minute, our daughter has behaved despicably and treated her loving mum and dad in way one would never ever treat anyone.

no one prevents her from having manners basic ones to acknowledge kind gifts and vouchers if she doesn't I believe she should return them, but she is far to greedy for that.
Having taken my husbands pension fund for her house deposit and further thousands to help over university, wedding etc she feels no need for us I can see and accept it now,but its taken a long while.

bless you luckylegs, I think mentally I am so much stronger, and just having had lovely weekend with my dear son and his partner and children has made it wonderful.

so pleased for them with their new house!
cant wait for them to move in june.

how things going for you lucklegs? hope you feeling positive still now easter nearly here!

yes smilless how horrendous for your dear d I law do hope she will be ok such a shock

Good that Mel has finally seen the light. Those of you on here who are estranged because of their child's controlling other half at least know that it is not about them, just the mind games these awful people play with their children. It seems that once a controller has the love of the person, they want to isolate them from anyone else they love, so that person is completely under their spell,it could take years but eventually something has to give and a possible reunion can take place. I am too feisty to let anyone tell me what to do, always been in independent, so anyone controlling would steer clear of me. Someone else, easy going and trusting could easily be taken in. I look at the size of Mel and then at her partner, it takes a lot of guts to get out f test relationship.
Glad to hear how well Smileless and Celebregran, Yogagirl and the rest of you are doing. Awful news about Smileless dil, it comes to all of us but always a shock.

OMG! What a heartless thing to say to a little girl! This sheds a whole new light on things. Sounds like mum was just speaking for her little, defenseless GD. Hopefully, it all gets straightened out now.

I read the resent article on Mel B & the estrangement from her mum. Mel's daughter told her grandma, Mel's mum, that her new husband, Stephan Belafonte, had said he would be chucking her out as soon as she was 16yrs, the child was only 10yrs at the time, what a rotten thing to say to a little girl. So when this was told to Mel by her mother, it ended in the mother & then the rest of Mel's birth family being 'cut out' by him [sounds familiar!]