Continued support and fun aspects too of rebuilding lives after estrangement can't believe 4 years and we still here to offer help, friendship and support.

Chewbacca Thank you. I am really glad that having read our posts on here it has made you aware of what could easily happen to a loving GP if not careful. I was mindful, but it still happened to me, because of my nasty s.i.l. I have always thought that if I had seen this forum and read this thread, perhaps..... but there's that word again *If*

Nan&Gramp Thank you for your kind in-put it's appreciated.

Smileless yes I do remember that forum, it seems to have died, but was going for years, yes I remember the advise, opposite to what I did, and I do remind myself that you did just that, but are still cut out, so as you have said, if they want you out, you're out!

Luckylegs, at the beginning we used to send our daughter and her husband cards and gifts on their birthdays and at Christmas times. They'd either be ignored, returned, acknowledged with an email to ask that we refrained from sending, it constituted harrassment and they would involve the police or an email to tell us that they just go straight in the bin or to the charity shop. After our grandchildren were born we'd do the same.

We thought it was the most normal thing for a parent to want to do but it was when I sought therapy, the therapist kindly got me to realise and accept that our daughter did not want this, perhaps we were unintentionally antagonising her continuing to do something that she just did not want. I had to think long and hard about how I would feel if I had asked another person to stop doing something but they continued ? It would drive me insane too.

We stopped sending cards a few years ago and have felt so much better, yes, the first few times it was hard but it did get easier. We now mark our daughter's birthday and Christmases with a donation to a charity we know she used to be passionate about. We opened bank accounts for our grandchildren and acknowledge their birthdays and Christmasses with a small money gift. Our daughter does know there are bank accounts for them and that one day, when they are older, if they look us up by their own choice, once they have become of age and left home, we will let them have their savings book, if they want them.

well said Chewbacca a little kindness would go a lot further than mean words.

Chewbacca

I haven't posted on this thread before but I've followed it from the beginning and read every post. I'm extremely lucky that I have a loving and happy relationship with my DIL, DS and family. From what I've read on here, I've learnt some very valuable lessons about respecting space; not becoming too involved etc and I'm grateful to those who have learnt those lessons the hard way and for sharing them so that others can benefit . Thank you to those posters. What I've also learnt from this thread is that there are some spiteful, mean spirited individuals on here who seem to haunt this topic of discussion, purely to add more distress and misery to those already in pain. It isn't enough for them to post once or twice to state their opinion, they continue to post harsher and meaner comments knowing that their words are causing very real distress and pain to someone. What miserable unhappy people you must be. They can content themselves with the knowledge that they, in turn, are being judged as harshly as they are judging others.

NannaandGrampyYou don't post on this thread very often but when you do, you're always kind, supportive and non judge mental so thanks again for your support.

Do you remember that other site you and I used to post on Yogagirl about narcissists? One of the things I read on there was that the only way to win the game was to stop playing. As you know, we never sought contact with our ES once he cut us out; only responding to correspondence he sent us. We send our GC cards for birthdays and at Christmas, no gifts, and we continue to do so but that's all. That's been our approach and no, it hasn't resulted in any meaningful contact. All of the loving cards and letters that you've sent your ED have also yielded nothing. It doesn't matter what we do or don't do, once they want you out you're out.

I think I put this on the one of the other estrangement threads. Any photo's that EP's have posted have been obtained from other social media sites. That makes sense doesn't it or how else could they EP have got a hold of them, unless they're stalking them with cameras of course. So my point is this, parents should be aware that the pictures they themselves post can be seen by others, some of whom they may not wish to see them. Once posted on social media, once they're 'out there', they can be re posted by someone else. If they don't want their EP's to see them and/or share them, perhaps they should refrain from making them public.

Don't worry about how often you post Lucklegs, we know you come on to read and that's the main thing. It's always good to hear from you when you do join in. I'd also need a manual to negotiate FB; I have enough trouble coping with GN.

Thanks for all the*SparklyGrandma*. Celeb, if you're reading take care.

I don't post here often because I haven't had your experiences ( and hope I never do) .
Your support of each other is evident and it's lovely to see. It's not about right or wrong but about people who share an experience supporting each other.

I would also say I'm sorry you seem to attract some of the meanest, self serving, harshest posters it's ever been my misfortune to read. Heartless doesn't even come close to describing their input.

I hope you can just ignore them - that's the best they deserve x

I have no idea what that means :/

Yes definitely without Before Christ

Well I can't imagine your Ed said 'sure mum, go ahead and post pictures of my children on Gn' but feel free to correct me.
It's not trolling stop being so over dramatic.
You posted the information freely online. Anything that happens is on you.

Is that Before Christ?! that would explain things!
I take it you know my estD to have that info, stop trolling my Nice D and get on with your sorrow hate filled life!

Just for the sake of clarity. I never meant the picture of the wedding.
The comments were about the pictures of your GC which you do not have permission to share.
I mentioned the wedding picture just to show how easy it can be to find someone with no other information.
Also I am not from mumsnet! I am from BC!

Smileless

Luckylegs I think the same re: wish I didn't care If that had been the case, we wouldn't have been cut out, as we wouldn't have chased and therefore no game for them to play!
And that would be my advise to any newly cut out GM, everyone gave me this advise, when it first happened to me, but I couldn't listen then. How can you, when you go from being very much a part of their lives, with a hug & a kiss and I love you mum, see you next time from your daughter, to the next time [a few days] being told to "F* OFF" by your s.i.l and then never to see them again!

And I should add regarding the picture, I always check will my D that it's ok with her before I share.

Thank you Starlady I thought the same re: maybe they think it's my estD. I had a lovely day out with my niceD and baby yesterday, lovely walk in a nature reserve with a little 'Peter Rabbit' trail for the little ones, she [GD] really enjoyed her walk with her new sparkly pink wellies on lol.
I told my ND what those mumsnetters said about posting her Wedding pic and she just thought it ridiculous and otp, her profile pic on FB is the same wedding pic, so it's there for all to see, not a secret picture! [even if your FB page is closed, you can still see the profile pic]

I will be back after my shower to read the rest of the posts.......

Parklife Welcome, my heart bleeds for you, I'm so sorry for your plight, stay here with us for some support & kind words of understanding

Celeb, I would need a manual to negotiate Facebook, so hope you keep in touch, I will message you.
Yogagirl, enjoy your retreat, sound heavenly.
Eddiecat, Starlady,Sparklygrandma, sorry I have not been participating lately, but lovely to hear from you,
To everyone ??nice weekend all.

Parklife, welcome to the forum where we do understand where you are coming from. However sorry you have found it necessary as its a very hard thing to cone to terms with.
Some people posting on here recently, have been purposely cruel. There is no such person as a perfect mother or child for that matter, we all put our foot in it sometimes, perhaps thoughtless but never with a desire to hurt. I have never met a mother that didn't love their child even when that child is being a nightmare, the saying, hate the sin, but love the sinner sums it up sometimes. For some reason an adult child has decided that mother/father must go instead of talking about their grievances, real or imaginary. For some of us estrangement has been years with no hope. I tried for many years, almost begging my daughter to tell me what was wrong, all she ever said, was that I got on her nerves. I carried on sending cards, presents, which I found out we're binned, wrote letters, until in the end I just gave up and faced the awful truth that she really wanted me out of this new life she had, I just didn't fit it. Although I did in the end, leave her in peace, the price to my health has been enormous, how I wish I could not care, even after all these years, I still blame myself for failing but I don't know how. Coming on here has made me look outside my own position, I hear other people bewildered like me and hurting,and whilst wishing their relationships could be sorted, know that I am not alone, neither are you, because we understand. It is early days for you and perhaps your daughter will get in touch. Many years ago a friend of mine went 18 months without speaking to her mother, her mother never made contact in that time, the old school, but the daughter eventually did and they were closer than ever. Every situation is different but we all hurt the same.

I for one am glad Smileless2012 that you will keep posting otherwise a relative newbie like myself will be sort of lost....and yes TGIF oops maybe one too many

Have a good weekend. And I agree with what some say, when other kind family members have raised estrangement with estDS and estDiL, they have said allsorts 'off the top of their heads' mostly laughable though quite hurtful as I always try to be kind.

oops!

eddiecat.

Yes Smileless I did get the colouring books - they were for my elderly Dad - some of the "adult" ones I came across would certainly have livened up his Care Home!

PS I'm going to keep posting and 'carry on regardless'; don't leave it too long ladies or I'll get lonely.

Welcome Parklife. You will find comfort and support from all of us who are estranged and the same from some posters fortunate enough not be living this nightmare.

It certainly helps to talk with others who can truly understand what you're going through. Our eldest GC now aged 5 was just 8 months old the last time we saw him. It's heartbreaking to know that they're growing up without us and wont ever remember us being a part of their lives, if only a small part and for a very short time.

LuckygirlI'm sorry you're still feeling so low. I totally understand that some of the regulars are thinking of not posting for a while and I hope that will be temporary. I don't do FB for which I and Mr. S. are eternally grateful. When he reads out to me some of the things that get put on there, and I respond withand say 'well if I was on FB I'd say ........', we both realise it's a good job I don't go on it.

TGIF stands for 'Thank goodness it's Friday' usually followed byand aas we all look forward to the weekend. If someone isn't looking forward to it, hopefully a little self indulgence will help.

You know what Yogagirl, I think whoever referred to the lovely photo you shared of your DD's wedding, thought it was of your ED's wedding; that of course is given them the benefit of doubt that they did actually think before posting.

It seems to me that some are so determined to portray us as the 'devil incarnate' that they do one of 3 things: 1) Take a small section of a post out of context 2) Twist what we post to make it look as bad as possible or 3) Just make stuff up.

Number 2 certainly explains the nasty reference made regarding Celeb, her ED and flowers.

Just wondering eddiecat if you managed to find some 'colouring books for adults'. Anyone who doesn't get the joke, check out the thread I started on AIBU.

Hope you're OK Rhinestone and Celeb. Even if you're not posting, keep reading and remember to pm.

I didn't think it was eddiecat, but perhaps it was. I do know she spends a lot of time with her in laws, including her silk and bil. Far more than she ever did with her brother. It was such a surprise when it happened and I genuinely cannot think of a reason why she would so suddenly do it, unless, as you say, there was some kind of subtle pressure that I know nothing about.

She will not respond to any kind of communication from any of the family and neither will my son in law, with whom I had thought we had a good relationship. The baby is so young that he will have no memory of us and that's what hurts the most I think.

It is quite cathartic to be able to express this here. No one irl understands how painful it can be. Incidentally, I suppose, from her point of view, I have done something to cause the problem. It's just that I have absolutely no idea what it could be.