Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

Not an easy situation. But remember this is the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with after 'being alone for a long period'. His attitude to the grandchildren and the disruption they cause is not a fault that needs correction. There's doubtless an element in truth in his 'do no wrong' comment, but being an indulgent grandmother is not a fault either. Yes, you can visit them on your own. Perhaps he could drive you over, stay for an hour, hand out the half-crowns (£5 notes now, I suppose) then amiably say "Right, I'm off to be a grumpy old man now! Have a good time! See you in a few days2. Isn't that a good idea? And of COURSE it would still be 'a marriage'.

All she can to get the resolution that she wants maybe. Sounds like two people who both want control. "Why won't you be the person I want you to be and live the life that I want to live."

It sounds as if you have done all you can to resolve the situation. My advice is to tell him he can either like it or lump it - an old fashioned phrase I am sure he will understand. Point out that your children and grandchildren have been part of your life far longer than he has. And if he can't fit in with your family, he can leave. The price of giving up your freedom is too high. Sorry to be blunt, but pussy -footing around is not getting anybody any where. Be brave! Good luck!

Manny, I feel so sad that you are in this upsetting situation.

May I ask, how many days per year is your enviable life with your husband upset by the discord between him and your darlings?

I think it might be a simple equation; if the upsetting days outweigh the enviable then you might want to change things in your marriage. If the enviable outweigh the upsetting, then perhaps you need to find a route to enjoying your darlings while your husband enjoys something else?

Possibly sounds slightly simplistic. Good luck.

Manny.The nearest I can get to your situation is my childless aunt my dads sister.
She was childless which I often believed was not her choice but her husbands who I observed on many occasions and was clear to me he was jealous of the affection she showed her nieces, my children to the point where presents she gave were when her husband wasn't there.He often chastised them for silly little things which I could see upset my aunt.
The man you are married to is clearly jealous of the relationship you have with those you love.He is insecure which can arise at any age and stem back from his earlier life before you came into it..There is no easy way and he will not change.Can you go to Relate on your own as they well be the best people to help you in this sad situation.
I do hope you get some answers You can't live like this for ever.

Yes - I put my hand up and admit that I knew what he was like before we married. Family had been to stay the Christmas we'd moved in together. He said the GC were 'monsters'. He said that 'they walked into this house as if it were their own' Well yes - that's exactly the sort of environment I had created for them.My DD's husband was often away from home for substantial periods of time in his profession and I wanted to support her as much as I could. She was able to come to my house, put her feet up and relax while I took the pressure off her for a while - she was working herself and her children were only 5 and 3 at the time. I made all sorts of excuses to myself and to my DD, who was in floods of tears on the phone to me - she felt all of that had gone and she was right. Subsequently, I went to visit her in her house - alone. I organised a holiday with her and the DGC on my own. I took her and my other DD away to the sun for a few days break. As you all know, motherhood is tough. He is a really intelligent man and I thought that it would be difficult but not impossible to talk the issues through and to find some sort of resolution, but now we have hit the buffers and it's just not going to happen. The hardest part now is for me to find some sort of way to overcome my resentment and huge stress and to try to reach out to him.
Since the events at Christmas I have found this a big strain and I haven't been easy to live with. I should mention that I have helped him with his business and felt that he should offer me a quid pro quo. No such luck! To further complicate matters, he loathes being on his own but there doesn't seem to be much joined up thinking here - I have already withdrawn to some extent and this will be exacerbated if this situation continues.
Could I just add that some of the comments here are heartbreaking. So much suffering. I was at an aunt's funeral last Sat. She was married to a devoted husband who was a controlling father. Her DD suffered considerably as a result - she had no childhood basically. Next door neighbours told not to play radios or cut grass because she was studying. Mother not allowed to use vacuum cleaner for same reason. The DD broke all contact about seven years ago as a result. Her two children did much the same. My aunt developed dementia around the same time. Go figure.

I have a similar situation,DH divorced his firt wife when his daughter was 7 had little to do with her after that, now has no contact whatsoever, apart from the fact they live over three hundred miles away. No contact with Grandchildren, so he doesnt know what its like to have Grandchildren, my Grandchildren he likes, to a degree, but insists they do as we do in "our house" We hardly ever have my Son and Daughter for a meal, which saddens me, as sometimes DH will say "why dont we invite so and so , and so and so, for a meal" I sometimes point out it would be nice for my children to come instead! Sometimes he works in the evenings and then I have my Son and Grandchildren over for a meal, my Daughter lives a bit further away so we cant do that, but it feels so mean not seeing them as often as I would like, so my sympathy goes out to Manny. I wonder if there is jealousy in our men. This is to let you know manny that you arent alone, but it doesnt help much. Good luck to you.

I'm another one who has a similar experience.
DH and I were both widowed and had grownup children and young grandchildren when we got together. He saw very little of his, but mine were an important part of my life. He used to criticise and 'correct' them in the very early days, but I told him that this was unacceptable. He began to save his criticism until after they had left. I told him it was none of our business as we had had our 'go' at child rearing.

He knew that it was non-negotiable. The grandchildren weren't badly behaved for their age and now that they are approaching or have actually reached teenage he has started to say that they are turning into lovey young people.

I think the problem was partly jealousy and partly because his first wife was a stay-at-home mum and he worked long hours, often away from home he has a rather false idea of family life. I think in your case OP your husband is harking back to his own childhood and as we all know times are very different now.

All that said my DH knew that for me time spent with the grandchildren was non-negotiable and that the house was 'ours' and not just 'his'.

Thanks for sharing your story Muffin. Glad your life is now much happier.x

I would recommend that you tell that stupid man in no uncertain terms that unless he mends his ways he'll find himself on his own. Life is to short to entertain an idiot like that, and there are to many nice loving people in this world. And if he doesn't change his ways then there is only option open to, kick him into touch and look for happiness elsewhere.

If that was my husband I'd tell him to keep quiet when they were there or book himself into a hotel! His choice.

Hi Manny I really feel for you in this situation. I'm divorced and have met and dated quite a few men in the last 8 years, but have not yet met anyone who would be a good "fit" with my family. I think it is hard to meet someone who can to be honest. It's the reason I'm still single !

I have 3 children and 6 grandchildren. They come to stay with me regularly and it is such an important part of my life. It seems a shame your DH can't enjoy the family as you do, but it sounds like he has no real concept of family life or what children are really like.

Did you pick up these warning signs before you were married ? You said you have been together 7 years ?

If he is committed to you and to your marriage, then he should be willing to work at this. It really isn't fair to expect you to give up precious time with your family because he can't deal with it.

Theoddbird I think you are right. This man married knowing that children and grandchildren came as part of the package. He cannot now say that he doesn't want to see them. I wouldn't put up with that.

Manny, I cannot see how else you are going to sort this out if you want your close relationship with your children and grandchildren to continue.

Sorry to say this but I think your OH is being selfish. He knew what he was taking on. I hope you find a solution but I don't think it is going to be easy. Whatever you do not cut yourself off from your blood relatives. Some men can be very controlling and you do not want to be put in that position do you.

I understand your plight so well. In 2008 I married my second husband who had two children age 3 and 4 from a first marriage only lasting two years so warning bells should have been ringing. I had two children 8 and 14 from a previous marriage. I knew he was a bit of a disciplinarian and wanted most things his own way but what the next 7 years bought me was poor hell.
He seemed to pick on everything my daughter did and quite often resorted to childish behaviour himself to try to get a point across. I recall him one day at the dinner table throwing food. He adopted the do as I say not as I do attitude which my children couldn't rationalise.
Jamie was a complete bully in every sense but to the outside of the house appeared 'a lovely man'
I began to see a pattern when he had his kids over, who didn't come often because he was so horrible, his discipline would get worse towards my kids in particular my daughter.
My daughter became more and more a recluse in her room and I too would spend hours with her watching tv while he sat downstairs on his own which just made him more resentful and angry towards me and my daughter.
I was constantly in a state of anxiety and protection towards my children and sometimes his and literally felt I was in the middle with arms stretched out.
There wasn't physically violence to any of us but the mental abuse he caused to my kids and me and his own children caused far deeper scars.

I managed to get him to attend a parenting group with me and for once he saw the way he behaved did not work but gradually over the months he slipped back to his old ways and I gave up.

One day when my daughter was 15 and left home for a short period to get away from him she told me she was so unhappy and felt I had not protected her and had been self harming. I didn't believe it and she lifted her skirt to show me her thighs which were covered in cuts. I was completely shaken and knew somehow I had to escape.
My husband financially controlled everything I had and I couldn't rent anywhere and by this time my daughter was at University and my son left home. I realised I hated this man, but still kept trying.
My daughter at 21 told me she was pregnant and I was going to support her however I could. It again my husband was threatened and told her she had to find a place to live.

This was the catalyst as shortly after I discovered my husband after I had suffered 15 years was having an affair with a girl he went to school with and had begun running with.

We are now divorced. I have a beautiful grandson. A grounded daughter and son BUT I lost those special years with my kids. I don't have happy memories of holidays or Christmas and my daughter has the scars to prove I should have found a way to leave.

I am in a second marriage and although my new husband has two grown up children, he is more distant with them than I am with my four. He grumbles when I have visits from mine, usually I see one or two of them each week. Whereas he may not see any of his for a couple of months. I think he is jealous of the time I spend with them and wants me to himself all the time. I have to remind him sometimes that he knew what the package was when he married me.
So I do understand Manny what it is like, and how uncomfortable it can make things with grown up children and grandchildren. You said you had been together for several years so did you not see this was going to be a problem? I think you need to sit down and really put your cards on the table. If he loves you then he should see that it is making you miserable and try to do his best to be more amenable. But it wouldn't be right for you to stop seeing your family because of him. They are your flesh and blood and its him who has the problem.
I do hope you manage to come to an agreeable situation as I know what an upsetting thing this is , and no doubt your family are worried for you. Good luck.

PS The relationship of older men who are parents/grandparents themselves often have strained relationships with adult children and smaller grandchildren. It isn't unusual.

Sadly I cannot see this getting better. Sounds as if you have tried everything.

Maybe an ultimatum is needed...give him the choice. Tell him he accepts the way the grandchildren are (normal children) or he looses you.

Perhaps taking him to the house of someone with really unruly children might make him appreciate your grandchildren.
Secondly 100yrs ago, grandchildren visited grandparents on Sunday afternoon for tea, and were made to behave in a certain way. Can their family stay at a local chain hotel and 'visit' for several short periods of time, and OP goes out for trips for rest of time?
Lastly my kids behaved in a 'different' way when they visited grannie's for the day, watched their language (!!), they were much quieter, more subdued etc. It's a social skill to learn how to behave in different settings, own home, friend's home, cinema, church etc

I think all these observations are very helpful in putting private problems in perspective. I spent 3 winters in Spain, and noticed that it was generally the grandmothers who missed their family in England the most. The men - and this is a generalisation, thought that they had done their bit bringing up their own children, and now was their time to enjoy life - without children!
These were often long term stable marriages, so the problem where the grandchildren belonged to only one partner, could be much worse.I think that men's attitudes to children, very much reflect the era in which they grew up, e.g the" seen and not heard" era, and as we get older these attitudes are more entrenched, -not a solution I know , but it sometimes helps to see the wider picture, while tackling your own situation with counselling.Good luck!

Ive never posted on gransnet (or anywhere else) before but this was so compelling I had to! I was divorced,with children, met DP but we lived apart for some years whilst I concentrated on a career and putting my DDs and DS first. Move on 20 years...DP now lives in my house (having sold his own) and I have 6 GSs. There have been times of huge friction - 'they should eat what they are given' 'dont let them touch the remote control' and - when one family lived away 'how long are they staying - why can't she go to her sisters'. All this in spite of him having children and grandchildren of his own - who I welcome but he discourages. So... my advice is put your foot down very firmly. They are your family - and contact with them - relaxing in your house where you can look after them - is a privilege. If he doesnt like it point him towards some good deals on a hotel website. We are all getting older and won't be able to do this forever - do what you want to with your family while you can. A final note, my DS had always called him Grumpy behind his back. All the GCs now call him Grumps - much hated at first but 8 years on a badge of honour. He still looks at the clock when they arrive but knows better than to voice anything. He can retreat to the bedroom with his kindle if he wants to. And when they are not he has me all to himself - which I remind him of frequently.

I am so sorry you are in this situation manny. It must be such a huge disappointment. I'm afraid I have no good advice. My husband was like this and they were our children; non-stop moaning about how they spent their time, turning lights off, food dislikes etc. etc. I was of course blamed for all their shortcomings. Yet they were on the whole such good children. I should have walked away but circumstances were difficult.

When my DD visits from abroad 3 squabbling little DGDs arrive for a month and I thank my lucky stars that my ex is no longer here. He comes to see them for hour long visits and plays the doting grandfather and I have to smile through gritted teeth.

I hope you can make the right decision for your marriage.

Well you're only in the middle if you're absolutely adamant that you want a sandwich. Or if you're constantly disappointed that you ordered a sandwich and what you got was some bread on one plate and some cheese on another. You don't have to be doing everything together to have a happy marriage. You can have separate likes and dislikes.

nendels that is very sad. If things were that bad, Id be sorely tempted to bail.

My husband and my children dislike each other.
I won't go into great details but I have to keep them all apart. This means family occasions are difficult. I cannot see the grand chidlren with my husband etc. etc. Everything has to be planned.
I get very stressed, always on edge and I cry a lot. It hurts, as I am always in the middle.

You could just say " I find all of this very distasteful, I refuse to criticise any of you individually. I love all of you and if you love me you will find a way to get on with each other".

You'd say that to 9 & 11-year olds?