Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

I haven't had experience of this at all but I feel so sad for you. I'm afraid I'd take the side of my DD and DGC. Mine can do no wrong in my eyes - I'm their grandmother!!

We've just had DD2 and 2 under 6yo DGDs staying for 4 sleepovers and the house was a tip, the girls are well behaved but not perfect and nor should they be especially at our house.

Not much help I'm afraid but you have my sympathy.

I'd be very unhappy if my DH couldn't control his displeasure about my DC and DGC for a few days every so often. It would probably sour my relationship with him big time but I don't suppose that helps you at all. Is it possible you can have your family to stay whilst he goes away for a couple of days? It seems such a shame you can't enjoy your family when they come to stay. What does he hope to achieve by being curmudgeonly do you think? Surely he can see that even if your DGC aren't perfect, you aren't going to make much of a difference during a short holiday together?

Thanks for those comments. So good to hear them, as sometimes I think I'm going completely mad. Not a flippant remark - I really do.
Do agree with you, Kittylester. We have an expression here: 'relax - you're at your Granny's!' So much fun to be had. And yes, icanhandthemback - it is indeed souring the relationship, which is why I organised counselling. I wanted to see if I could change my attitude to it all, even if he can't - or won't

I don't think it's your attitude that needs changing really manny.

I don't have experience of this either, except that my DH (and I, tbh) finds our DGC tiring when they visit us for a week at a time. I think the fact that your DH has no children of his own is at the root of his problem. Can you have a conversation about his perception of the childrens' behaviour? Perhaps he is seeing normal childish behaviour and thinking of it as a lack of manners or boisterousness. If he cannot change his attitude towards them then I think you may be better off visiting them on your own, or perhaps limiting their visits to your house to an hour, or however long he feels comfortable with. Minimising contact between him and your DD and children doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with your marriage though, it seems a sensible approach that would work best for everyone. As for your DGC 'doing no wrong' in your eyes, I would simply tell him that as their grandmother you love them to bits and that is perfectly normal.
I am sorry if this is not the practical help you were looking for, but I am sure other gransnetters will have other advice. In the meantime, lots of hugs and sympathy and I hope you can work something out to everyone's satisfaction.

We find our DGC exhausting too Antonia but they go home eventually and it's worth it to have a great relationship with them. Only seeing them at their own houses is a strange thing if they have been used to staying with manny! I think you get a different experience seeing them in your own home.

I think that people who have no children - and therefore no experience of what is involved in bringing up a child - often have preconceived ideas of how children should behave and struggle when their expectations are not met. I have seen this with my son, who has no children of his own, but married a lady with two sons. They are nice boys, no trouble, but like many boys, they were, when he first married their mother, serially untidy and a bit in the lazy side when it came to pulling their weight around the house. My son has rarely had the chance to be either lazy or untidy, poor chap, having been at boarding school and then the services, and being in a position of some authority, was used to his word being law. It was a case of the immovable object meeting the irresistible force and a very steep learning curve for both parties. Things have become very much better over the years, although he has had to get used to the fact that their mother will always side with them and not him. I hope you find a workable solution to your problem.

Again, thanks so much for your comments. I'm always looking for a pragmatic solution to problems. I found Greyduster's comments very interesting. Maybe it will take a long period of time and a lot of compromise on both sides. Trouble is, I have memories of a very prickly and grumpy grandfather: the result of that was that I avoided him if at all possible. This meant, of course, that my poor, delightful Granny missed out too. My own parents were lovely grandparents to my three children and are still spoken of with great fondness. They have very happy memories of them. How I miss them both now!

I was having a conversation about a similar situation last week, with a friend of mine
Her children are 16 and 18, and her partner likes to point out how 'lazy' etc they are. (Which they aren't, at all!)
My friend is beginning to question what the way forward is, or if there is even a way forward at all
She says she has found herself now avoiding saying too much, as it gives her man ammunition.
I don't know what the answer is, but I do hope you can sort something out.

Actually, there have been other posts like this, with very similar issues.

It's quite difficult to comment without knowing the people involved. Is your husband being absolutely unreasonable in his annoyance? Are your grandchildren especially badly behaved or is it just that he's not used to, and/or doesn't particularly like, children?

Either way, it's very difficult isn't it. You can't really change the way the children behave, and - if it is your husband's total lack of tolerance that is the problem - there doesn't seem much you can do about that either.

I suppose if matters don't improve, in the end you may feel you must decide whether your marriage or your relationship with your children/grandchildren is the most important to you. In the latter case, would it help to tell your husband that the situation is causing you so much stress and unhappiness that you don't know if you can bear to continue in a marriage which is making your relationship with the rest of your family so fraught?

Sorry to read your post, such a difficult situation. I am the only one in our family who had children and over the years have found that sisters and BIL do not see either my children or DGC as I do. I certainly want my DGC to relax and just enjoy staying at our house, but for someone who has never been around children getting them to understand and relax is going to be very difficult. I do not think you should change how you are with DGC, but if you want to keep your marriage perhsps the solution is not expecting your OH to change either, so if possible find ways to be with your family without OH. I find when DD and DGC come to stay from abroad for several weeks, my OH needs his shed to hide in on a regular basis.

Perhaps he needs a course on child development, because this seems to be the basis of the problem - he does not know what normal is as regards children.

My OH, who is unwell, sometimes says things to our GC which cause me to say: "Seriously love, do you think this child of 18 months has the remotest idea what you are talking about!?"

If your OH is 76 and never had children he will likely be "old school" as regards small children.

It is important to you to have warm and easy relationships with your GC and it may be that you have to come to some agreement with your OH that he goes away when the children come to stay - not ideal, but it may be the only answer.

Oh dear what a difficult situation. Could D H be jealous? People without children have no idea but often think they are experts. Think as already suggested u will have to distance him to some extent from the children. Does he have a hobby that he could perhaps share with one of the G C. (One at a time!)

My OH is very tetchy with our Grandchildren , he was so patient with the Children , but he is quite poorly now . The GC just take it in their stride but give him a wide birth

OOps a gang of tham just arriving ...........

Even Grampy who has endless patience struggles sometimes with the mess and noise sometimes.

I allow him a little leeway but we have had a frank discussion now and again . They are only children and will grow up soon enough. So quite frankly as the adult he has to suck it up because I adore them and he adores me!

I'm not sure what your solution is OP because at least Grampy is their actual grandad and has known them since they were infants. I would be asking him how hard is it to at worst tolerate their presence . We all do things we don't want to for people we love.

You have my sympathy because this shouldn't be so hard .

Sorry OP but I think you chose the wrong man.

He will never understand due to not having any off-spring himself.

Im not saying he is in the wrong. Im saying that you aren't compatible.

I personally wouldn't loose my family over this man.

I think that is a very negative post stillalive. Manny wants help, advice and understanding to try and live with and improve the situation. It is not helpful to say you have married the wrong man!

My friend was with a man who sounds very similar to your OH - he did have his own children but was estranged from them. He would not allow her family to stay in the house although the children were well behaved and they were taken out all day anyway. The upshot was that my friend went to stay with her family and while with them found herself a place to rent - returned to the home to collect her things and then moved out.

She has since met a very nice man who loves families and they have a great life together.

Whilst she is being alienated from her family? Sometimes things need to be said in a direct way. This is "my" opinion. One person is causing many others upset. I truly believe that this man will never ever understand for reasons I have already stated.

I would personally put my children first.

It s the old saying rephrased an old maid's children and a bachelor's wife are always perfect. I have a married friend who has never had children by choice. They were heads of infant schools and and dealt with CAHMS if that's the right acronym and two people with less insight to children - infants to teenager you could never wish to meet. They simply haven't a clue. Fortunately they retired long ago down south but I always wonder what damage they did. And they are terribly nice. Perhaps your DH is of a similar ilk.

That's rather unkind saak.
You know nothing about manna's DH. She married him, so he must have his good points.
Manna I realise this is a sweeping generalisation but I think GFs tend to be less patient and starry-eyed about DGC than GMs are.
I think you'll just have to be patient with DH. Of course it's not going to be the same for DD when she visits you as it was when you were on your own. Perhaps when he realises how miserable it is making you he may make more allowances for your DGC.
I hope you can work something out

Im not being unkind jane. This has been going on for some time.

The OP has tried but her husband is still resisting and making things very unpleasant.

He will never understand, ever. No amount of counselling will make this situation better.

The OP can of course say that she will stay with a grumpy bastard and just pay visits to her family.

!!!