Remarried:husband's difficult attitude to family

I'm not sure how old your DGC are manny - but for a man in his 70s who is not used to children it could be a shock to the system to have young children staying in the house. The suggestion of a study or 'den' that he can retreat to is a good idea and I think there could be a bit of give and take on both sides - he must realise that little children are seen and heard these days and perhaps he could teach them some old-fashioned quieter games like Ludo and Snakes and Ladders or some good card games which are age appropriate.
They need to learn that step-grandad may need a bit of peace and quiet from time to time and play more quietly or be taken to the park.

I'm not saying yours are like this but some children are very badly behaved at the meal table nowadays, if they are that could upset him and they may learn some table manners too.

Each generation has to learn some respect for the others - it could be a steep learning curve but I hope everyone could benefit if they can just compromise.

Well! So glad I decided to take the plunge and ask you all for help. It's been a big relief to get some of this off my chest.
I don't know why he never had children - and he claims he doesn't either. Our counsellor asked this very question in one session. No very convincing answer has been forthcoming.
The DGC last time they were here were considerate and respectful. My DD and her husband are excellent parents and really good people. They understand he's not used to children and have tried to accommodate him. He has very high expectations of them- as was pointed out in Relate session today. I suspect their parents kept them out of his way when last here. Yep - he has a study into which he can withdraw, so he has a shed!
We have just had a massive row about all this. So frustrating - still saying the same things after six years! And then wonders why I lose it. All I have asked him to do is to lay off giving constant instructions and directions to the DGC. A little more positive interaction is needed. But he says he should be able to tell them what the rules are in 'his house'. Anything he has found difficult re their behaviour I have passed on myself - tactfully. But it's all low-level stuff e.g not closing doors behind them, not helping in the kitchen enough. I don't give a damn about all that - I'm just grateful to have them around and enjoy the fun.
Anyway, I can see only two solutions. One, minimise contact between him and the DGC. Two, pack my bags and go. He has no clue how I feel. It's just beyond him. He says it shouldn't have any impact on our marriage. I think we live in different universes.

He sounds like an old buzzard but you may want to lovingly come to that conclusion and send him back off to his own house where he does his own washing, ironing and cooking, plus keeps his own views to himself about "family" life.

Life is often about compromise lovingly achieved.

manny I have no answers for you and it sounds as though your DH has no experience of children since he was one himself. Seventy-plus years ago he was possibly brought up in a 'children should be seen and not heard' environment.

You said today's session ended with him saying that your grandchildren could 'do no wrong' in your eyes. How about turning that back to him that they can 'do no right' in his eyes? No child is bad all the time any more than they are continuously good. If he can see how irrational that is, he may be able to compromise. If he is actually asking you to choose between him and your family, well ...

for you and a drop of fortifying or , whichever you prefer. Keep posting here too; putting your difficulties into words is like thinking aloud - the solution can suddenly appear (((hugs)))

But there again i chose not to have anyone in my life that would cause a problem with my immediate family that i loved and put first.

I think you are the exception Jayanna. I prefer to not have to separate so much. I prefer to either get on or not.

Hmm, think I like my life in separate boxes. Didn't realise I was an exception!????

OP I'm wondering about the size of your house. Does DH have a study or other room he can retreat to when he feels uncomfortable about your DGC? Or when they stay could there be a room for the DGC to use which DH does come into? Not ideal but it could help.
Perhaps DH could have his meals alone if table manners are an issue, or DGDs could eat earlier. As the DGDs get older they'll learn that sometimes you have to change your behaviour to show consideration for someone else, especially in their home.
Very awkward for you, sometimes I'm glad I don't have a DP and can enjoy DGC's company in my home. Other times I'd love some companionship!

I think you are the exception to the rule there Jayanna and I commend you. If the OP can separate things then It's an ideal solution.

Family and marriage can actually be two separate things. Presumably he never had children because he doesn't really like them as a whole. Not everyone does. So wanting him to love being with them just because they are yours is never going to work. But that doesn't mean the marriage doesn't work. You just have to stop trying to combine the two.
There are lots of posts in other forums where the younger generations are unhappy because parents in law can't make that separation between the family that was and their children's marriage.
Other posters have suggested time away for your DH or a bolt hole like a shed, when family come to stay. I think that's a good idea. He doesn't have to be part of the family, he's not a family man, and when they've gone there's the marriage which you both do want.

Just for the record on this supposed "stirring" that you're trying to say on another thread that has nothing to do with my point of view here Jane.

I speak as I feel on any individual thread. I don't ever carry anything on. If you feel that I say the same sort of thing then that goes to show that I am true to myself.

I nether feel the need nor want to comment on what others have said previously.

Jane I also understand why you may want to brush things under the carpet and share an ovaltine or two with others of the same ilk.

Did she? She clearly made a great job of teaching you basic manners saak not to mention compassion & understanding.
I see you've been stirring on another thread too.
Why don't you go and make yourself a cup of ovalthine and go to bed?
You might feel better in the morning.

My mum always told me if someone doesn't enhance your life then they shouldn't be in it.

lala land

??always look on the bright si-de of life?De de, de de-de-de-de de?

Going to counselling doesn't mean that he will change and the OP said he hasn't.

Of course it's her choice Elegran. Its a choice that is causing her and her family much distress. Putting it out there and asking "advice" to me means she probably knows this relationship is of the unsavoury variety and she needs to get rid of him.

Perhaps the fact that he agreed to go to counselling shows that he's anxious to preserve the relationship and wants to make things work.

I would find it difficult being with a man like that because anxiety and resentment of his attitude would be bubbling away beneath the surface.

I'm amazed he actually agreed to go to marriage guidance counselling if he is so set in his ways so maybe there are other issues that are affecting the relationship as well.

What if she likes being with him? He is her choice, not yours, SAAK.

OP your husband will always have a difficult attitude to your family. You have tried for a very long time to help him, unfortunately I don't see this happening.

I have no idea what the !!! marks are all about from momo.

Life if too short to put up with a man like this, a man that alienates you from your family.

!!!

Im not being unkind jane. This has been going on for some time.

The OP has tried but her husband is still resisting and making things very unpleasant.

He will never understand, ever. No amount of counselling will make this situation better.

The OP can of course say that she will stay with a grumpy bastard and just pay visits to her family.