Bullying

I've just remembered a related story - my FiL was very dictatorial - a woman's place is in the kitchen etc. His wife died young, and he eventually married a more feisty lady.
Once when we were visiting they had been arguing and he told her to get on cooking the meal. I burst out laughing, he didn't like that at all.
She didn't stay much longer though.
So Diddy that's another ploy to try.

Hi Diddy, I also have a husband who often behaves in this way, but he is also caring in his own way. I've lived with him for over 40 years so I'm mostly used to him and his strange ways. I try to concentrate on his good points, which are many, and ignore his minus points mostly, though at times I do react I'm afraid. I recognise the turning off of the television, sometimes I go to the loo only to find the television and all the lights turned off when I return because 'you weren't even in the room, so no point in wasting electricity'. I just turn them back on again, just as I turn the heating up and water heating on as and when I want/need it, otherwise they would be seriously rationed. I occasionally remind him of the large number of half used bottles of stuff along with other unused things he keeps in the garage, and the waste of money there, but mostly I just do my own thing and refuse to be bothered. It works for me, maybe it could work for you.

Just to add that, not only is this (control) a male generational thing , but that when retired, a lot of men like to assert themselves more than formerly( as they have now no occupational role to do this.)
diddy I would let the small things( elements of control) go, and only worry about anything bigger, in other words pick your battles.Examples, my DH always restacks the dishwasher ( so what, it makes me laugh, and it's his time he is wasting) he also rearranges foodstuffs in the pantry sometimes ( he is more orderly than me) complains about lights left on, insists on doing all the finances and paperwork etc etc.
None of which bothers me, he likes to be very organised and although working part time, even though he is 70, after retirement became more 'picky' about things.
Now, if something bothered me I would say so, but mostly it's water off a ducks back.
Am sure that all long married couples annoy each other ( lots of times!) but if you can't shrug something off, then do talk to him about it when the time is right and you are both feeling calm.It may be that he feels he can no longer influence anything and feels he has no control, and this is his way of allaying his anxieties.?

Actually, just reading the first post on this thread, it doesn't sound as though the partner is doing any sort of bullying or 'gaslighting'!

If he always turns te tv off when he goes to bed, and you always turn it on again Diddy1, why did you even mention it? And I'm not surprised he pulled the covers over himself if you persisted in making your point again in the bedroom...

Diddy1, I am not sure whether I agree with all the posters on this thread who are saying that this is a mere case of 'men will be men', forget it. It sounds if if you OH could be seriously bullying and 'gaslighting' you. You would be in the midst of the controlling behaviour so might well not be able to judge how serious it is.

The problem is that, if the purpose is not actually to save money by turning off the TV but to control you, if you let him get away with it he will proceed to an even worse piece of domination to get your attention. It could get dangerous if he is pushed to extremes.

Perhaps you could test him. Try ignoring the TV nonsense (and it is nonsense as it costs mere pence too have a TV on standby) and see if he changes tack and tries to control you ever something else.

If this turns out to be the case then you will really have to think about coming back to the UK and being safe. You are thinking about all the negative things and difficulties in starting again but what about the positives? That you, a nice, well meaning, good hearted person who does no harm to anyone, lives a life free of bullying and fear. Is that not appealing?

Diddy. I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible having to put up with the behaviour and not having the choice to leave. I wish I had left years ago but as you get older it's daunting and you stay and just get irritated instead of scare and lacking in self esteem and confidence whenever you were younger. You are not alone

He still goes to work so presumably has to get up early and the tv may disturb him.
How old is he? If he is in his mid 70s too he may just be worn out with working, tired and crochety.

Diddy
Control freaks make your life a misery and I feel for you
You say you are 75, how old is your partner? Pulling the bed covers over his head not wanting to discuss the situation is what a child might do which come to my next questions
Is the way he is behaving nothing unusual? has he always been like this or did it all start within the last 12-18 months.
If he has always been like this then personally I would have left him well before I was 75.
If this is not normal for him then I believe it is a job for the medical profession. Don't try and diagnose for yourself get help from a doctor.You can't live like this as your health will suffer.

But she doesn't sound as if she backs down all the time Ankers

In the original OP he asks if she wants the tv left on and instead of saying 'yes, I want to watch something, I'll turn it down so as not to disturb you' she starts telling him that it doesn't cost much and she pays hakf the bill anyway!

There may be more to it all than that but that doesn't sound like someone walking on eggshells, it sounds like someone not handling the situation very well.

It takes two to make an argument.
Perhaps they both need some help in learning how to approach differing expectations and in compromise.
There doesn't appear to be much joy in the house.

Seems like every grumpy old man ever to me. If this has been your relationship for years then it must have suited you in some ways.

I would say to him, 'either you ask me before switiching that telly off or I shall get my own and watch that one' although I am pretty sure you can watch stuff on the laptop without the TV on I think it is a ittle delayed timewise.

You only feel like a child, you are not a child and can take some control of things. He doesn't seem to be beating you or keeping you locked up, he is just aggravating and that is the human condition, you probably get on his nerves too. He has a routine and is stuck in a rut.

Maybe you feel trapped with an old man and want something new and exciting and his little foibles highlight that for you.

If you are safe but cheesed off, you can change that for yourself.

Good luck.

If a person feels like they have to back down all the time so that there are not continous rows, is that bullying?

I think Diddy1 is a quiet soul who feels rather overwhelmed by her husband.

Diddy1, I do hope you feel able to post again and are not fearing posts?

For what it is worth I have lived in a scenario you describe. A walking on eggshells scenario. It is not at all nice. It is ongoing and wearing what you describe.

I think I will pm you. I suspect you are wary of posting too much. And in too much detail.

I am rather too merlotgran

The OP in the other thread states that OH is going off to bed and asks if Diddy wants the tv left on. They live in an open plan house so noise could be a problem.
Instead of saying 'yes, I do, but I'll turn it down so as not to disturb you' Diddy sounds as if she is starting an argument about electricity costs to justify having the tv on.
Then in this thread she complains he goes to bed and has the duvet pulled over his head - is he trying to block out the noise of the tv so that he can sleep?

She says he won't discuss things but perhaps Diddy may approach problems in a rather confrontational manner because she gets upset?
Perhaps he doesn't like to be challenged but there are ways to do that and be firm without confrontation.

You just don't sound very happy Diddy and I hope things improve for you

Well, I have read both threads, and I think it's about more than the tv, Diddy. The tv issue is simple enough, just turn it back on. That's just a little part of the whole picture.

What concerns me is that you mention in the other thread that he won't talk things out, rows whenever you mention something he doesn't approve of and that you "feel like a child" a lot of the time.

You said in the other thread you were going to get some counseling to help you learn how to handle this. I hope you do. It's bound to help.

Thank you Ankers. I've read it now and am still none the wiser.

It just sounds like a straightforward battle of wills to me. The kind of thing that goes on in homes all over the country especially between retired people who find themselves having to co-exist by making allowances and sometimes just feel like digging in their heels and being stubborn instead.

I remember my lovely Dad often muttering, 'Anything for a quiet life, dear' when Mum was in high dudgeon about something. What's wrong with aiming for a peaceful and harmonious existence even if it means backing down or adopting a bit of cunning one-upmanship?

Don't take this the wrong way, Diddy but some people thrive on living in a battlefield.

Only stating my opinion, merlot. .

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/a1233567-Frustration

Perhaps a link to the other thread might help some of us understand why the TV issue is such a big deal.

gettingonabit hasn't read the other thread but concludes the man is a controlling, gaslighting bully.

I haven't read the OP's other thread, but I agree this man is a bully.

His actions are snide, controlling and unpleasant. Like a typical bully, he backs down when challenged, so he is a coward too.

In my experience bullies are exactly like this; their actions may be subtle, but they make you doubt yourself and your sanity. On MN it's known as gaslighting.

I don't have advice, but I do sympathise.

I think the best course of action is to ignore, get on with your life, and challenge when you need to.

I suspect[from what I can remember of Diddy1's other thread as well], that he is a low level bully of the biggest order. And it has been going on for years if not decades.

when he is defeated, he doesnt want to talk anymore,


He does realise when you have had THE LAST WORD then Diddy.
DH has still not cottoned on to that.

I agree TriciaF this is not bullying, and this generation do have a tendency to control.
just quietly do your own thing!

I agree with others - this isn't really bullying. It seems that men, especially the generation of our husbands (maybe all) have a built-in need to control women. Best to ignore, or occasionally rebel in a quiet way.
Real bullying is more consciously planned and is more serious.
As with teenagers, girls and boys, where an individual wants to assert themselves to dominate a group. Much more cruel imo.

I do not think that his action was problematical - you were not watching it, so what the heck; just switch it on again when you want it. My OH does similar things (e.g. in the car he will turn down the heat, or switch channels on the radio without asking what I want) but I just change it back again - rebellious, moi?

If he is controlling in other more serious ways, then stay out of his way would be my advice - I doubt you will change him now. Good luck.

I agree with thatbags and Anya Take back control in lots of little ways and it will add up to quite a lot

What happens if he does actually blow his top?

Go out? Or to another room if it's night-time? Turn the sound up on the radio/tv?
It will only turn into a quarrel if you respond.

If he becomes really abusive then it's time to think again but he does sound like a control freak expecting to have all his own way and needing a submissive, tearful reaction from you.
Don't give him the satisfaction.

Neither of you sound very happy
Can you not do some things together and try to retrieve something of your relationship?