Bullying

Oh dear Diddy, I don't think I have any advice to offer only some sympathy which you said you don't want.
If he's always been like this I don't think you will change him; if he has got like it recently could it be the start of dementia? How old is he?
You are not being childish, he is.

I would have put my foot down with him very firmly well before now, perhaps you have been too kind and accommodating.

Perhaps he'll be in a better mood tomorrow and will listen to reason. What will he say if you tell him you're not going to put up with his behaviour? Whose house is it? Who does the looking after ie the cooking, washing etc. What would he do if you went on strike and said you were jolly well going to watch telly all day?

Good luck.

ps David poured his medication (pills) down the toilet and flushed them away in the last few seconds.
he shouldn't have done that, as a nurse he knows he should return them to the pharmacy!

Diddy1, Not sure if I've got this right but I gather you were watching a programme on your computer while your OH was watching something on the main TV. He then wanted to go to bed and turned the TV off because you were not watching it.

If you didn't want to go to bed but wanted to stay up and watch the TV why didn't you just switch it back on again?

Sorry if I'm missing the point

I misunderstood, I thought you had to have the tv on to be able to watch your programmes on the pc (I am not a computer geek as you can tell) and that you missed the end of your programme because of that.

He sounds like a Victor Meldrew and lots of older men seem to be a bit grumpy like that. DH has a thing about not leaving appliances on standby - if I leave the tv on standby he always informs me the next morning that I did [!]. Apparently I left the ensuite light on all day the other day and how much did that cost? (12 pence for 16 hours I informed him, after I looked it up).

Are you are missing your family and would like some chats with them? Do you have any friends you can go out with for lunch/coffee etc?

If I remember correctly, you have written about him before. He is a control freak as you say.

I cant remember if you have relatives or friends in the country you are in at all?

Don't bother to ask him why he does what seem to you to be irrational (and mean) things, diddy, just wait for him to go to bed and carry on with your routine. If you show him his behaviour upsets you it will encourage him; if you just ignore it (while fuming inside) and do what you want when he's not there, then he isn't really controlling you, you are just adapting to his weird habits

And, in addition to the good advice offered by Bags get out of the house and away from him as much as possible during the day. Go shopping without him, meet up with a friend for a long drawn-out coffee, go for a swim or a walk. At home get out into the garden, go to another room and read a book. Tell him you're not hungry and just to grab a sandwich for himself.

Take back control in all these little ways.

What happens when he does actually "blow his top"?

Diddy, he's not going to change at his age which means you have to either accept the situation or do something about it.
If it was me, I'd be glad that the cranky git had gone to bed. I'd then pour myself a huge glass of wine, find a comfy throw, and switch the TV back on.
Stand up to him Diddy. xx

What happens if he does actually blow his top?

Go out? Or to another room if it's night-time? Turn the sound up on the radio/tv?
It will only turn into a quarrel if you respond.

If he becomes really abusive then it's time to think again but he does sound like a control freak expecting to have all his own way and needing a submissive, tearful reaction from you.
Don't give him the satisfaction.

Neither of you sound very happy
Can you not do some things together and try to retrieve something of your relationship?

I agree with thatbags and Anya Take back control in lots of little ways and it will add up to quite a lot

I do not think that his action was problematical - you were not watching it, so what the heck; just switch it on again when you want it. My OH does similar things (e.g. in the car he will turn down the heat, or switch channels on the radio without asking what I want) but I just change it back again - rebellious, moi?

If he is controlling in other more serious ways, then stay out of his way would be my advice - I doubt you will change him now. Good luck.

I agree with others - this isn't really bullying. It seems that men, especially the generation of our husbands (maybe all) have a built-in need to control women. Best to ignore, or occasionally rebel in a quiet way.
Real bullying is more consciously planned and is more serious.
As with teenagers, girls and boys, where an individual wants to assert themselves to dominate a group. Much more cruel imo.

I agree TriciaF this is not bullying, and this generation do have a tendency to control.
just quietly do your own thing!

when he is defeated, he doesnt want to talk anymore,


He does realise when you have had THE LAST WORD then Diddy.
DH has still not cottoned on to that.

I suspect[from what I can remember of Diddy1's other thread as well], that he is a low level bully of the biggest order. And it has been going on for years if not decades.

I haven't read the OP's other thread, but I agree this man is a bully.

His actions are snide, controlling and unpleasant. Like a typical bully, he backs down when challenged, so he is a coward too.

In my experience bullies are exactly like this; their actions may be subtle, but they make you doubt yourself and your sanity. On MN it's known as gaslighting.

I don't have advice, but I do sympathise.

I think the best course of action is to ignore, get on with your life, and challenge when you need to.

Perhaps a link to the other thread might help some of us understand why the TV issue is such a big deal.

gettingonabit hasn't read the other thread but concludes the man is a controlling, gaslighting bully.

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/a1233567-Frustration

Only stating my opinion, merlot. .

Thank you Ankers. I've read it now and am still none the wiser.

It just sounds like a straightforward battle of wills to me. The kind of thing that goes on in homes all over the country especially between retired people who find themselves having to co-exist by making allowances and sometimes just feel like digging in their heels and being stubborn instead.

I remember my lovely Dad often muttering, 'Anything for a quiet life, dear' when Mum was in high dudgeon about something. What's wrong with aiming for a peaceful and harmonious existence even if it means backing down or adopting a bit of cunning one-upmanship?

Don't take this the wrong way, Diddy but some people thrive on living in a battlefield.

Well, I have read both threads, and I think it's about more than the tv, Diddy. The tv issue is simple enough, just turn it back on. That's just a little part of the whole picture.

What concerns me is that you mention in the other thread that he won't talk things out, rows whenever you mention something he doesn't approve of and that you "feel like a child" a lot of the time.

You said in the other thread you were going to get some counseling to help you learn how to handle this. I hope you do. It's bound to help.

I am rather too merlotgran

The OP in the other thread states that OH is going off to bed and asks if Diddy wants the tv left on. They live in an open plan house so noise could be a problem.
Instead of saying 'yes, I do, but I'll turn it down so as not to disturb you' Diddy sounds as if she is starting an argument about electricity costs to justify having the tv on.
Then in this thread she complains he goes to bed and has the duvet pulled over his head - is he trying to block out the noise of the tv so that he can sleep?

She says he won't discuss things but perhaps Diddy may approach problems in a rather confrontational manner because she gets upset?
Perhaps he doesn't like to be challenged but there are ways to do that and be firm without confrontation.

You just don't sound very happy Diddy and I hope things improve for you

If a person feels like they have to back down all the time so that there are not continous rows, is that bullying?

I think Diddy1 is a quiet soul who feels rather overwhelmed by her husband.

Diddy1, I do hope you feel able to post again and are not fearing posts?

For what it is worth I have lived in a scenario you describe. A walking on eggshells scenario. It is not at all nice. It is ongoing and wearing what you describe.

I think I will pm you. I suspect you are wary of posting too much. And in too much detail.