Bullying

TriciaF they seem to be out of the same mould, don't they? Lacking empathy, find it difficult to socialise and generally getting in the way... I expect there are exceptions, it's just a matter of whether you end up with one

Blinko: "Seems to me these DHs are bored with naff all else to think about, so they constantly interfere with their spouses' activities for want of something better to do."
You're right there - husband just came in all excited saying you must watch this. Stretched in front of me while I was on the 'puter, no warning, cleared the screen and put on some american economics lesson, couldn't make sense of it. So switched it off.

Seems to me these DHs are bored with naff all else to think about, so they constantly interfere with their spouses' activities for want of something better to do.

They need to get a life, don't they?

Simple just carry on doing what you want to do e.g. he turns off the tv and goes to bed you put it back on. No arguments, just do it and don't worry about his reactions, he is probably insecure deep down but will have to find a way of
saying so.

Yes, I've got one of those.....just listen to this. I currently have our five grandchildren staying with us together with two of their parents. I have just laid the table for dinner (chicken and roast potatoes cooking in the oven) and for two of the younger kids have put out spoons and forks instead of knives and forks on the tablemats. Just saw my husband walk up to the table and proceed to change the place settings - his excuse (when I challenged him and said "what the hell are you doing") is that he wants them to sit where he chooses - not where I laid their places!

I just shook my head - waited for him to leave the room - and changed them back !

He'll never learn!

f77ms too for all survivors...

pauline42 of course it would be difficult to leave after a long marriage, no matter how bullying it had got. But as I read all the other posts, I felt I needed to add one that it IS POSSIBLE to leave and set home on one's own, safe and free from control and meanness.

I am not saying anyone 'should' just wanted to say its possible.

And its such a relief to have survived a bad situation, and to have my life and choices back to anyone going through difficult moments and for those brave or able to leave.

It's so easy to give advice but some of it would be so difficult to execute. At 75 - after a lifetime of marriage - it's probably out of the question to pack up and leave to start all on your own. But learning to build a life for yourself which doesn't include him would be possible - it just takes a little determination and a changed outlook on how your view yourself and what you want your life to look like going forward from this point.

Push yourself to join new groups where couples are are not the focus of gatherings. The more you take yourself out of your comfort zone, then the more you'll establish your own identity and the more your own self esteem will grown to the point where you will be proud of yourself. I too have a controlling 78 year old husband who never gives up trying to control my plans for living - and nearly every other day there seems to be an issue that leads me to telling him "give it a break, if you don't know by now that it is impossible to control me, then I feel very sorry for you".

Make decisions for her own life and your own happiness within the confines of the situation you are living with - and take every opportunity to step out of his "control circle" ......lit will make you thick skinned at times, but you will be living this last period of your life on your terms and not on his.

sparkly me too for all us escapees x

Diddy1

Take courage - I lived with a now ex DH who built up the need to try and control every aspect of my life. In the end I was afraid of my own shadow and was over compensating all the time so as not to provoke his displeasure.

I got away. It took effort, help from friends and its taken years to get back my own 'power'. And being older it can be harder on your own - BUT joy of joys, I never sit in my own home tip toe-ing around someone else's behaviour and can flick the remote - my remote - around as much as I like.

It is possible to leave and have a better life. Just saying

Hi again, many thanks to everyone. I am going to try to develop my own life, and not to think too much about the things he does/says that make me feel so bad. I want to enjoy my twilight days without feeling useless, who knows those days might be spent in England, what a lovely thought!Watch this space!

Are you happy with him Diddy ? if not then leave the miserable old s*d . Why women put up with this nonsense is beyond me . Lay your cards on the table and tell him straight that he either stops treating you like a child or he can spend his twilight years on his own. You don`t have to keep adjusting , he does .

Hello lovely Grans out there, I appreciate your comments good and bad, lots of suggestions, thank you.
I must explain about the stupid TV episode, it seems as thought I told this as the main issue, but it was the last straw only. The TV, as I said, I look at my English programmes streamed on my computer, nothing to do with the TV thank goodness, SIR sits every night from 6 pm until 10:30 pm controlling the remote, when he has finished watching he hands over the remote and says " now you can watch what you want", so very kind I think, we always turn the TV off and on on the wall switch, nothing is on stand by. The point I was making was he has to have control of everything, I have maybe fraised it as bullying but it should have been CONTROL. I am a happy go lucky, outward going person, hate conflicts, so I dont usually react, not until I need to. DH can never finalise an argument/ discussion, he just says he cant talk anymore, and thats the end of it, until next day when he begins again. Many of you said he misses work, well he is 68 and works as a carer, after he finished his work with telephones, he is not bored, frustrated, but is not happy. I asked him the other day if he is not well, unhappy, but got no reply, I suspect it may be early signs of dementia, or a depression, but he would never go to get help, too proud. If I might just say he has nothing at all to do with his only Daughter, and his Brother and Sister have stopped having any contact with him, so he must feel lonely, but there is of course some reason behind all this, who knows.I am not perfect at all, and no you havent heard his side of all this, so it is difficult for anyone to understand, if never having lived with a control freak. He has always been "in control" but with age it has become worse, as someone said, I will have to keep adjusting, but I want my twilight days to be better than they are at present. By the way the child in me thinks I will turn the blessed TV off when he is asleep "watching" it!! End of subject.Thank you all very much, your opinions have helped, I will try to be ascertive, first time in my life!

jenwren sometimes it is impossible to leave, finance, accommodation, disability, children, religion for example. Much as I understand what you are saying. One fit doesn't suit all, but I am very pleased for you. You are one of the lucky few who made the break from a controlling OH.

That was a perfect example of 'Tell a child/person often enough that it is thick, or useless, and it will believe you'. No-one is thick or useless, we all have our own differences. Some are better at crafts, art, or gardening for example others are better at maths, history, biology, cricket, etc etc. That is what makes us all unique. We all have something to give, viva la difference!

Having read all these posts, I am so glad I am divorced. I love and I mean love living the single life. There is so much on offer these days with organisations you can join and widen your circle of friends.
Diddy 1 My heart goes out to you. I was married to a 'control freak' who nearly had me convinced I was mad. My low esteem was on the floor when I met him and was still there after 10years of marriage' Fast forward ten years and joining new groups I have found I really am a nice person and new friends value me for me. One of my biggest surprises was learning the game of Bridge and now play it at a good standard, amazing as for years I was told I was thick. Its never too late to start a new life, its just fear that is stopping you. At 75 do you really want another ten years of misery?

Why don't you switch the tv off when he's watching. Say you want to save electricity. When he objects, tell him that's exactly how you feel when he does it!

I can't offer anything with regard to the original post, but can I just add to the discussion about leaving the TV on standby. This is ALWAYS a bad idea. Nothing to do with cost, but simply because a TV on standby presents a much greater fire risk than a TV which is turned off. In an ideal world you should also remove the plug from the socket, but I do know that this is not always practical.

Dear Diddy1 if you are staying with him develop your own life. You have a computer you can down load Skype or something similar and get a list of friends around the world who you can skype on a regular basis. Then hopefully which every country you are in you have some good social contacts you can build on etc.

I am sure once you settle down to a satisfying life routine DH will seem less bothersome. Mine regularly deletes things we have agreed to record from me to watch, before I have watched them. He says its my fault because I haven't already watched it!!! I go immediately to iplayer or whatever and get it up on my computer. Last time there were just 6 hrs left for it to be available.

I see this type of behaviour as one of his foibles. He does so much in the garden and house in terms of maintenance and running that he is much more valuable to me doing what he does as I could not enjoy my lifestyle without him. Also we do do some things together.

Now he is away for 3 days. I am due to have my hair cut tomorrow, and so have booked a free 30 min makeover with Boots to follow and researched some new hair products etc. So I have a nice morning to look forward to.

I used to have a motto I pasted onto my exercise books at school 'dum vivimus vivamus' which I think meant whilst we life let us enjoy life. The school teachers did not agree but I still think its very important that we find out how to within our circumstances.

just looked it up on the internet.

Dum vivimus vivamus is a Latin phrase that means "While we live, let us live." It is often taken to be an epicurean declaration. This Latin phrase was the motto of Philip Doddridge's coat of arms.

I have just looked a little further on the internet and I can now see that it is associated with things which make it not not quite as simple as I thought!!

—Epicurus believed that what he called "pleasure" was the greatest good, but that the way to attain such pleasure was to live modestly, to gain knowledge of the workings of the world, and to limit one's desires.

All the best Diddy1

I'm just wondering if he's under some stress that he's not telling you about?
I know electric is very expensive abroad, water not so bad but when DH and I lived abroad he would go bonkers if I ran the tap when I was brushing my teeth because you pay for what you use in Greece.

I understand how you feel cut off when you live in another country, sending hugs XX

I don't think proper Sociopaths come in to the same category as your OH Diddy. It is a man thing, they love to be in control.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference#1

Diddy I am concerned that underlying all this is a feeling of loneliness

Yg your last sentence!

rosesarered I think your DH and mine may be quite similar!
I have learned to salute and say 'Yes Sir' then ignore him.

It can work to my advantage too, though, as he is so much better at certain tasks - those I don't want to do.

We only know one side of the story which makes it difficult to assess the situation properly.

I can just imagine what kind of post your husband would put on here Diddy1. I wouldn't even take part in these little squabbles. I certainly would not let them bring me to tears.

Some men are at a loss when they retire. My dil's father is like this with his wife. She used to let him get away with it at first, but now she is asserting herself. He was a Snr Manager in a company, and used to having his word obeyed by his staff. My own husband used to try it on too but I soon told him I was not one of his underlings and I was retired too, so not to expect me to be waiting hand and foot on him. He didn't like it at first but peace is restored and we are back to normal again. Maybe he needs a hobby or some mates to go out with? Mine goes out twice with his friends each month. Great for me, I get on with my painting without a critic looking over my shoulder. Men aye! Different planet etc. When he treats you like this again just say 'PILLOCK' to yourself and do your own thing.

I agree with maddyone if he behaves this way now he will never change, so the best thing to do is not react, which is what he wants, just turn on what you want to turn but remember to turn it off so he cannot have a go at you in the morning. I think it is very rude to turn things off when someone else is watching and he must be doing this just to wind you up.

Have to say though, energy is very expensive so whatever you can save helps.