The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact

I was devoted to my family and as a result I must have shown my worth to my elders for them to make me PoA and Executrix.
I have keys for DCs' houses but never enter without their knowledge and consent even if I was already told if you get there before me just go in. If not there I phone to say I am in the street. They have keys to my house.
I do not go into a huff when they don't take my advice. I rarely give advice, that is the road to trouble.
I do not lie about my state of health, the facts are given by those who are qualified and employed by the NHS. I had never heard of a condition I have so could not have made it up.
I do not care about any sort of card and don't judge on their arrival or not.
It seems that I was very lucky to have such decent if strict parents. There will never be the likes of that generation ever again. I know I do not come up to their mark but I do my best all round

I agree with you Polyester57 100%

Every generation of parents go through trials and life circumstances they can't change, control or predict. In my generation and generations before, we were able to mostly accept that our parents were a product of their environment, couldn't always help themselves and were at the mercy of their own limitations. Obviously I'm referring to situations were abuse wasn't included. Back then smacking wasn't deemed abuse.

In this sense, we learned acceptance and forgiveness of how things were. Today, our children not only blame us for the same things, but they disown us and cut us off. This fails to teach the very human art of wisdom, forgiveness, compassion and tolerance.
How this all pans out for the future is a worrying scenario because when they cut us off, they also cut themselves off.
Some of us pick ourselves up, realise the new freedom we've been given and ride off into the sunset spending the inheritance as we go.
Others go into a decline feeling every inch the scapegoat cast out into the desert.

The popular buzz word, narcissism, actually stems from an earlier buzz word Machiavellian which implies traits of deception and cunning while presenting a butter wouldn't melt face to the world. Largely it was used in politics while lawyers are rated as having the highest scores of Hi Mach tendencies. Lo Machs are now described as empaths who obviously get sucked in, used and abused by Hi Machs.
So narcissists today are the machiavellians of yesterday. Excellent manipulators and truth alienators. We all need to be more aware of these tendencies in our generation today.

Polyester57 that is really good for you and good on you. Sometimes however there might come a time in other peoples lives like in our situation. When a son pulls the "no contact" card there is an initial grieving hurtful period but then it
backfires and its very peaceful and very happy without all the drama and pain. Bliss!

I was talking to someone yesterday whose father had been captured at Dunkirk and then sent to a camp in Siberia. He suffered terribly and was always withdrawn and slightly eccentric thereafter. It made us think about the effects of the two World Wars and how so many people must have been traumatised and so not able to function with any kind of normality.
I think a lot of the current generation have grown up in an era of comparative peace and plenty. I also think that child centred period of the 1990s where self esteem was all and children were absurdly praised eg., those tedious primary school assemblies where Johnny was clapped for getting 'a' the right way round or actually finishing his work in class, were a route to trouble. Many children were given a massive sense of entitlement as a result of doing very little and certainly encouraged to disrespect teachers and parents. So much of this no contact behaviour is desperately selfish. I'm afraid hard times are ahead for the world and they'll learn the hard way. Such a shame but you/we will get our reward in heaven for doing the best we could.

Azie09, I have a friend who was the CEO of child protection. She admits the 1989 Children Act set in motion a period of irreversible doctrine that tore more families apart than it helped. In particular it drove grandparents out of the loop as a potential resource for caring for children under the state.
Today we are seeing the sad results of the 90's as you say. No gratitude or wider view. It's all about rights and entitlement.

Azie09, although I do agree with you to an extent, I beg to differ. My mother´s problem was exactly that she had a dreadful, traumatic childhood, her own mother died of tuberculosis in 1933, when my mother was 4, and she was probably made to feel that it was her fault. "If you run around and make noise and don´t eat your greens, your mother will be sad and she will die." There were no child psychologists at the time. We tend to have the idea (the Cinderella story?) that if someone has had it difficult, they will then rise up and be all the better for it. Wrong! Children need to be unconditionally loved and be told it.

Polyester57, I suspect that you might be feeling a bit brow beaten by this thread. I really do understand where you're coming from. Let me reassure you though that there is a dividing line between those AC who had had to cut off a parent to save themselves from the madness, or the abuse or whatever. To those AC who have simply opted to cut parents off who were previously OK but they've been cut off as a result of a current trend. For example, parents can't lend money or childmind, or another seemingly small thing like a rift so that's it, end of. Your situation is completely different and you don't have to defend yourself.
As you admit though, your mum had a tough time as a child herself and help wasn't available so it sounds as though she hasn't been able to grow or recover. This must help you feel a but more forgiving even if it doesn't lessen your own pain.
You could now get help to help you get a better perspective on your own future from here couldn't you?

What I've noticed, as a child from the 90s is mental health and mental abuse is talked about a lot more now.
Mental health when my parents and grandparents were younger was embarrassing. It wasn't talked about, you just got on with it. There must of been so many people suffering in silence and not know what was wrong with them.
When I had PND I went to my nans and had a bit of a breakdown. Her friend was there too. They made me a cup of tea and we had a chat. They BOTH said (women who were in their 70s) that they had the same thing as me but 'we didn't talk about it then' We had such a long talk and it was like after all those years they could talk about it, got it off their chest and spoke to people who was in the same boat.

Mental abuse is the same, it's a well known form of abuse now.

Both of those things are everywhere. You're encouraged to talk about it to a cousellor, friend or gp, it's all over the Internet, on the TV, signs to look out for. The stigma is dying. Thank God.

If a parent, back then, had either a mental illness left untreated or was in fact mentally abusing their child. Now, those children have grown up, they are seeing these signs and they know that it's not OK they don't have to deal with it or tolerate it. Maybe it's caused them to have a mental illness too? Depression, anxiety or whatever and for them, it's best to cut contact because mentally they can't deal with it.

I'm not saying this is everyone, or this is aimed at anyone. It's just a different side of the coin.

'To those AC who have simply opted to cut parents off who were previously OK but they've been cut off as a result of a current trend. For example, parents can't lend money or childmind, or another seemingly small thing like a rift so that's it, end of. '

OK I 100% agree with that statement. This is ridiculous but unfortunately I do understand and beleive there are people like that who are that entitled.
It does give people who have had a rubbish time a bad name and tars everyone with the same brush.

Some good posts RedheadedMommy.
But I do have to disagree with one part.

^it's not OK they don't have to deal with it or tolerate it.

But they do have to deal with it.
Cutting someone off is not really dealing with it.

It is like when someone doesnt like driving very much. Not driving, while dealing with the initial problem, actually creates a whole set of new ones.

Maybe it's caused them to have a mental illness too? Depression, anxiety or whatever and for them, it's best to cut contact because mentally they can't deal with it.

I could be wrong, but I dont think that probably what you would call my generation are any more difficult than they used to be to cope with?

RedheadMommy, this is the category I'm talking about, those who cut off parents on a whim because they don't measure upto expectation. This is now a trend bolstered by the NC community.

You make good points and I agree with you completely. I can see mental health becoming a huge problem for our AC because they've been taught to expect a Utopian or idealised style of life when in fact this is far from realistic as past generations well know. It's also well documented that second and third generations that grow up in peace time tend to be more liberated, narcisstic and cavalier bordering on stupid even because they've not suffered loss, hardship or gone without. But then when life does bite them, as it surely will, they have no coping skills, armour or rainy day protection. If they'be burned their bridges with their parents and family, this is also contributing to mental health issues.

Ankers, good point. When you cut someone off, unless it's for very good reasons such as they are abusive and a threat, (wise move because self protection is vital) then you are the one with the inability to communicate.
The silent treatment is now seen as passive rage, a weapon of the alienator and a form of bullying used by those with NLP, otherwise known as narcissitic personality disorder.
Wherever we can, and as long as it's safe, we need to start seeing difficult relationships as ways to improve our own skills.
Clearly, and I want to make this very clear, this does not mean going back to a violent, mentally or physically abusive situation. In this case, you've no option but to stay at a safe distance.

Thinking about it, mental health didn't get much interest until the 1960's when Aaron T Beck turned popular Freudian theory on it's head when he discovered that a person was affected by their own thoughts, not their external environment. This is when CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) was introduced. This was based on thought = feeling= behaviour. In other words, whatever we thought made us feel pain or another emotion and this resulted in our behaviour. So this was the start which was just after the war ended. And yet it's only really started to become well known and talked about. So our parents and their parents previously would have had no help whatsoever in being able to deal with their own trauma and childhood issues like we have today.
In this sense, and excluding the obvious cases of abuse, the NC rule being proffered, leaves no room for understanding or relating to a familial relationship. It simply damages it further.

Nina1959, I am not browbeaten. Are you Danu Morrigan in diguise?

Polyester57, I can't imagine why you'd think that. I'm in the UK for a start. I'm sorry if your feathers are ruffled in any way but I think I've been more than clear about my own agenda.

polyester57 I wouldn't entirety disagree with your points but I would ask what loving unconditionally really means. I think it means loving the child whilst not accepting bad behaviour, it means firm boundaries not indulgence, it means having expectations and teaching that others, parents included, are people too. I think we all experienced times we didn't feel loved as children, some more than others, sometimes it was because we didn't get bought what we wanted or because a parent shouted or even beat us. Maybe unconditional love is something that a mature person sees going both ways, our parents did the best they could with what they had. Accepting that and moving on without cutting off is called growing up.

Sorry I worded that wrong. By 'deal with' I mean they don't have to keep going back to it, keep having to deal with it drip drip dripping into them.
Of course talking about it is the number 1 solution but I've said before, you can't talk to someone who doesn't listen.
My DH has ignored texts from his mom because she doesn't listen. He has put his side. But it's wrong. Her side is right and the only valid one. And then it starts again. It wasn't always like that, we did try to resolve things but it was hopeless which is a shame.

I can't understand the mentality of adults who cut off their parents because they didn't get their own way regarding money or childcare. It takes entitled to a whole new level.
There was a thread about a lady who had FIVE of her grandchildren for a weekend (or something like that) and the lady couldn't cope. I'm almost 30 and I don't think i could with FIVE children for a day, nevermind a whole weekend. She spoke to her daughter and it didn't go well. That's the attitude I don't understand. It must be heartbreaking to feel like a bank and babysitter.

MIL had ignored DH for weeks when he couldn't lend her money or when she didn't get her own way. It made DH anxious and he felt guilty for not being able to do it. He felt like he'd done something wrong, which is manipulation isn't it?
I don't think it's a generation thing. I don't understand it. Is it something from childhood? Family life? Or feel like they own that person?

DanuMorrigan, not her real name, she hasn't the courage to use it. I read her articles and what a self pitying load of rubbish it is. Hope she is happy with the money made of the sales of this book, hopefully her own children will see her for the self centred person she is, unable to see the pain that her enabling brings to her children and the parents that do not measure up to her precise criteria. The gullible people that subscribe to her views to rid themselves of the problem of having relationships with anyone that has not made them the centre of their bigoted universe is mind boggling in its stupidity. I just wish I had realized years ago that this was what my daughter did to me, that she had an agenda and I was a problem she didn't need, as were all the family, I would have saved a lot of heartache and kept my pride, it made me feel a complete failure and looking for imaginary faults I might have made.

Faults was a bad example, it should have been errors.

Luckylegs9 there are a lot of complaints about Danu Morrigan and the credibility of her information. I won't post the links because they are angry and negative. But they are there on google. She has an influence on the minds of many people searching for answers and she is charging and making money out of it.

Has this woman ever been outed in the popular press Nina? I think it would be a good idea to contact a journalist from one of the tabloids. Everything I'm reading about her screams cult. One need look no further than the self aggrandising names she's chosen for herself, to get an insight into the woman.

GrannyRainbow, I don't know. She's a damaged person that's self appointed herself as a caretaker for others who see themselves as damaged. And then done more damage on top of the damage.
I do know of one person who diagnosed her mother from that site and then cut her off deciding that her mum's entire failings related to what she'd read on the site and blog. She was 32 and blamed her mum for various things, one complaint was that when she was a child her mum had been emotionally unavailable. What she didn't know was that her mum had had a lot of treatment for cancer when she was a little girl but not told her so that she didn't get frightened. She still doesn't speak to her. It's very sad to find that unregulated individuals can gain from others misery.

One of the downsides of the Internet is that it's given the power to influence to all sorts of people with their own axe to grind and there's no control. I can imagine the Daily Mail would run a story about this woman.

Well, that might be helpful if it exposed her as the rather dubious character she seems to be and let some air into what seems to be a semi-secret society...