Am I over- reacting?

Just saw your post, wot. Sounds like your h is deliberately trying to stop conversation. So don't give him any. Ignore him as much as possible, and if he asks why tell him. Maybe start thinking about leaving or divorce. I'm trying to say this gently, but if you can't even talk to the man, even to argue, it's not a marriage anymore, imo. So get out of it if you can. You deserve better!

Smurf52 - hugs, just hugs.

20 years ago after us having two kids my husband decided that he no longer wanted sex. I cried myself to sleep many nights but as he was very generous to me materially i put up with it. At 60 i had a one night stand with a younger man. Husband couldn't forgive me..end of marriage. At 64 I am now in a relationship with a man ten years younger who has a high sex drive and mine is absolutely at zero...life can be cruel!

Oh, they're lovely!!

I love accents its what makes people in the UK different Ive a slight Scotttish accent and proud of it good luck with your situation remember its what happens now is important and you cant change the past and you might be able to change the future but ensure your happy first. Jade and 2 of her besty friends send woofs and wags ..x

Thank you WOT x

I also think a talk is in order - not about "medical issues" (yet), but about what's bothering you and how you and he can fix it. Maybe he can shed some light on why he didn't comfort you, etc. and you can brainstorm as to how to handle that kind of thing in the future.

If you can't work it out together, then, yes, counseling may be in order - to help the two of you communicate better, sort out your feelings and figure out how to solve your problems. Counseling means he can't just ignore it all and hope it "goes away."

But for that reason, he might not want to go. If he doesn't, then I recommend that you go anyway to help sort out your own feelings and maybe come to a point where you can make up your mind what you want to do.

Hoping for the best!

Sounds so familiar and similar to my now ended marriage. He shut the door on any sort of physical intimacy, refused to discuss. Emotional support was not his sort of thing. Turned out he did need to feel close to women, but he chose to find them via dodgy dating websites. Did try Relate. He refused to discuss anything with the therapist. At that point I gave up. Still feel so sad about it. How two people when once loved each other can end up in such a mess.

I read OP to DH and asked what he thought. He said he was probably embarrassed and didnt know what to say/do. He was waiting for her to get over it and get back to normal!
I asked what he'd have done. He demonstrated holding my hand and patting it with the other. He thought that was quite adequate!

My husband died in 1998 after 12 years of leukaemia. I was then 68, and I took a three year course in counselling.

After I qualified i did a placement in a small counselling charity in a poor part of North London.

It

My first husband was emotionally cold to me. I could not face my life with him any more. One Saturday we were out in town shopping and I looked up and saw an elderly man holding hands with his elderly wife and smile at her. I just started crying. My then h was furious with me and told me to shut up. At that moment I decided enough was enough and I knew I had done my absolute best and tried everything I could. First thing Monday morning I rang solicitor and went in to begin divorce proceedings. He got letter in post and went crazy. He continued to refuse me divorce but eventually judge gave it to me. Now I am married to lovely affectionate man and truly happy. I look back now and cannot believe why I put up with treatment like that for so long when I was so miserable. By being brave I have so much more now. I know even if I had not met new husband and remained alone I would be happier than I was in 1st marriage. Think about what you need to make you happy and go for it.

grannypiper...you've summed things up well....

I feel for you, I spent 10 years like this and at the end of it was such an emotional wreck. I wanted ex to see a GP, come to counselling or talk, but all I got told was it was my imagination and everything was alright. It wasn't and I ended up having an affair and leaving him. it was the best thing I ever did, my affair is still going strong after 13 years, 5 of them married, although the sex is more problematic now after my DHs heart attack and subsequent meds, but we are still creatively intimate (that conjures up all sorts of images I bet!!). I hope you can both find a solution as life is too short to waste, I do realise the choice I made is not for everyone so of course this is not advice.

I think there is often some adjustment to be made to a relationship as you get older especially is one person has less libido than the other. In our relationship, it is me who is indifferent to sex as much of my medication coupled with the menopause seems to have had that effect. This means the cuddles and affection is less forthcoming from my OH as he tends to equate it with a green light for sex.
As to sympathy when I cry, its like lighting the touch paper when he says, "What are you blabbing about now," as if I regularly howl my eyes out like a child! However, he is wonderful in so many ways, I can usually see my way to accepting these 'faults' (?).
My OH says that relationships are about balance and if most of the time the balance is positive, it is worth continuing. If it is the other way round, perhaps it's time to move on. How is the balance for you? Can you accept a relationship without sex? If not, if you can't get it sorted out, you may have to accept it is over but I bet he is more worried that he can't satisfy you than out of love with you.

So many similar things on here as I go through ! Also married my second husband in my 50's ..he was then 68 (16 years ago !) we had a wonderful life and a lovely villa in Menorca, lots of friends a plenty of friends

BUT ...he has always been someone who never talks and seemed quite self obsessed ...some years after he had a mini stroke (has now had two) was diagnosed with front temporal lobe dementia and his personality has worsened ! the neurologist said she thinks he is borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and having then read about this, I have to agree for instance ten years ago I had cancer, which then spread twice to the liver ...liver re section twice ,,,log story short he said there was nothing wrong with me and I was making it up ...today, after all this time, I went to hospital to have the implant for the porta cath taken out of my chest ,,,,I got back just before lunch ...walked in ....first words husband said, as he waited behind the door for me .......'That plaster on my arm needs changing' (he fell over yesterday) No 'how are you' 'how did you get on' 'did it hurt' can I make you a drink ?? As usual, nothing ! In fact, when I had a consultation after the third surgery he was actually with me as he had a hospital apt on the same day in the same place (he can no longer drive) .....the Consultant said to him 'Ah you DO exist !),,,OH never got the sarcasm !

SO .. it looks possible that your husband may have something similar ..albeit perhaps mildly - do you know what the neurologists report said following his mini stroke ? You could ask your GP for advice ...I know you will not be told anything confidential, but if your OH will not talk to you (mine never talks to me ...he says I have nothing interesting to say !) but they may be able to advise !

For the moment, since I would feel guilty leaving (we live in rural France and there is no transport of any kind !) sometimes I do get so desperate as to want to just pack a bag and go ,,,,the only thing that stops me is that I have nowhere to go !!

On the very odd occasion he will ask if I would like a cup of tea ,,often when I have just made myself one but since he asks I always say yes please ,,,I am pleased to have been spoken to without anger (another part of his medical problems)

You could take a look at the Alzheimer Society website (not only for diagnosed Alzheimer but most medical things associated with disorders such as he has (and also advice on mini strokes and personality changes !)

I never if I can help it, let him see he upsets me ..he rather seems to enjoy doing that !

MEN ! ...like my doctor said "why did you marry again ?~ I am still wondering ! Good luck ! this is about the only place I can 'talk' about it I hope you find it therapeutic like I do !

Maybe he thought a cuddle would give you the wrong idea. Men are not emotionally intelligent all the time, especially if they want to avoid the subject.

Love can be like an old bra, comfortable but not a lot of support...........

This is just to 'Wot', can you think of anything good that you get out of this relationship? If not can you see a future without him? Life is short and it is very sad that you seem so unappreciated.
I had a very first bad marriage and know from experience that it is better to face life alone than stay with the wrong person.
I have quite a strong regional accent, its who I am. I bet yours is fabulous.

DH is not good at displays of affection but was brilliant when my brother was diagnosed with cancer-I felt apart and sobbed for hours which he had never ever seen me do in 35 years together .
And equally comforting when said brother died a few months later
I dont always want it as I think I am sometimes afraid if I open the floodgates I won't stop but its nice to know a cuddle is available
Even the most 'restrained'of men should be at least able to recognise distress and offer a bit of a hug. Indeed DH surprised me by patting an upset friend of mine on the shoulder as she sobbed in our kitchen one day
I think holding somebody and offering comfort are very different from overtures of affection that might lead to an expectation of sexual activity.And it is something I would raise with him
But he's not unusual I suspect

I think Cresty is right - i know some vry touchy feely men (not DH!) and personally Im paralysed with embarrassment if someone cries and cantbring myself to hug them though I do murmur a few sympathetic words.
DH in his former job would sometimes have a (usually female, but not alwYs) client crying in his office - his job was to advise them in tricky situations which he wa good at, but not the emotional stuff. I asked him what he did in this situation. He said : pass a box of tissues and after a while say ' Are you ok to carry on now?' It was more than his job was worth in any case to hug a client but it wouldnt come naturally.

I think that if you don't talk about these things with each other then each of you can make assumptions about the other, which maybe wrong.

Giving attention is just as important as receiving it, and we need to be mutually present for each other to be emotionally balanced. So take some time out and think about how good you are at being really present for him.

It seems to me that you both need to reconnect, and being together for twenty years doesn't mean that either one of you should react in a particular way through familiarity.

I think taking a step back, and looking at the 'bigger picture' may be a starting point for you e.g.: your self worth; being part of a wider community; the emotional component of intimacy.

If you think you've done something wrong then first yourself this question, then ask your husband. Get talking to each other again about daily things in life, and save the heavy emotional stuff until you're used to just talking again. I might be completely wrong in what I've written, but hopefully there might be something of use to you. I wish you both well. xx

Cresty, love your post and your dog! What do you do it your partner won't talk or go anywhere with you? Every time I try to start a conversation, he starts criticising my accent, words, etc. He spends every evening in his own room.

First of all much of what is above in the messages is good advice but ladies please remember!! that sometimes it is not always a man thing it can be a woman thing too.. I should know as last time I looked I'm a man..
GJ I send you lots of hugs (even though I don't know you ) but I will often hug strangers and have never been arrested yet
You do really need to talk but you know that.. I think already .change your routine, go to a different environment, as one poster has said, a change of scenery is a good thing your in different territory and out of both your comfort zones so you may be able to get to the bottom of the problems
If you cant do that go out for a drive or meal somewhere different is one of the keys to opening up for both of you.
People change over 7 years and many people learn from those changes some do not and some dont want change .Personally I see change as a good thing and a positive thing I can honestly say I have never felt stuck in a rut and if I wasn't happy I would change things .Make sure you love you as a person as you cant love another unless you love yourself first .
Good luck and hugs to resolve your issue and dont be scared of change its a great thing .xx

PS When I come back Im coming back as a Chinese Cresty pup lifes always great lol. xxxxxxxx
Cresty xx

I don't often write in , but this time I just want to throw my two pennies worth in the mix. I'm this minute thinking of writing a letter to my husband to explain my feelings and what I see as our way forward.

Our situation - both retired , then decided to move to France(his idea). He had prostate cancer soon after that and is now impotent. Not what we planned, but he is well physically .
But he has changed to someone different. There is hardly any physical. Or emotional
connection now, he rarely speaks, but talks and sings to himself. He's had many offers
of help from doctor, we've had counselling single and as a couple.
We live in this beautiful,place but he hardly ever goes further than the shops.
Advice from Neurologist yesterday - find new interests, learn French, use your brain.

Sorry if this sounds like one long moan, but I have reached a point where I need to take care of myself and enjoy my friends and have a life.
Remember, we only get one go at this life. Be brave and follow your heart !

My husband and I married in our mid 50s and he was the most openly affectionate and loving person and we had a happy sex life. Suddenly it stopped due to prostate problems but so did the cuddles and hugs and all other physical signs of affection. I found it, and still find it, so sad. It meant so much more than sex itself.

He has since suffered from depression and that is very isolating. I agree that generally men do find it uncomfortable to talk about these things but it's so much better if you can bring it out into the open. (((Hugs from me)))

Jules,so sorry to hear of your bad news, I hope you are feeling better now. About his "problem" men dont like to go to Doctors with " mens problems" they feel embarrassed and feel less manly, but there are so many things to help, I am sure he would be relieved to hear about them. My OH had a problem which was solved by medicine, not that it has helped the sex life much, I guess we are all getting older, and our needs change.
Good luck Jules, sending a hug.

Barmyoldbat
I know the feeling My late DH could never show emotion like myself.Not just because we were of different sexes.
I cried from frustration many times but not in front of him as I found from experience all I would get was a huff puff and a ' What's the matter now'
In later years when it was necessary to have couple counselling for us to deal with his onset of dementia we were asked what we admired about each other. I said he made me feel safe.DH replied 'she makes nice cakes'
How could you follow that.?