Am I over- reacting?

Hi GrandmaJules
I wonder if the DH was being a typical man and totally unable to deal with a crying female.
Perhaps the lack of physical intimacy is Erectile Dysfunction but then why not hold the conversation.
What is your position? Are you working or retired? Would you be able to manage alone financially? Obviously I am not being nosey and you don't need to give answers to the questions. I am just making points for you to think about to yourself.
I could not contemplate a life with so much hope and it not being fulfilled and no explanation given. It would be a sad way of life in my view but it all depends on what YOU want and what YOU can cope with.
Take care of you and put yourself first.

It seems to me that there are 2 things. Whether he lives you is, in my view, not related to whether he wants to have sex with you. As said above, the lack of sex could be a medical problem.

Not comforting you when you are upset is more worrying especially if that is unusual and only you know how much that matters.

But, the most important thing is to talk to him about what bothers you.

How sad for you that he was unable to comfort you - sad for both of you I think.

Are you able to sit down with him and talk about today's incident? - or would you prefer not to do that?

It sounds as though there is a distance that has developed between you that may be hard to breach. Sometimes couples decide that they are happy to tick along companionably and a closer relationship feels too much.

Only the two of you can decide which direction to go in or whether to rock the boat; and I send you good wishes and commiserations on your bad news.

Did you have a row 2 years ago? Could he perhaps be on a very long sulk?

Thank you for your replies. I've tried asking about any medical issues, to no avail. I feel so lonely, I keep wondering what went wrong, did I do something wrong.

I don't have any advice on this one but I send a friendly back rub and some

Hello Dear Friend. Mr absent made a unilateral decision quite a few years ago that he was unable to have sex with me any more. I think the very minor stroke that he had, possibly around the same time, terrified the life out of him. But, he said it – and that was it. There was no discussion, no ideas about alternative ways of demonstrating love and affection. He is terrified of touching me, hates it if I am upset and want his arm around me, just for comfort yet is furiously angry if I suggest he doesn't love me.

Grandmajules Two separate things here I think

First I think there may be a little clue when you say you never cry your husband is not used to seeing you showing emotion so it probably took him by surprise and he would not necessarily know what to do so carried on being 'useful' putting the shopping away and probably hoping like mad you soon stopped and got back to the strong person he was used to

Second lack of sex, I m afraid there is only one way and that is to sit down with a cup of tea or glass of something and talk about it but if you are not a 'talking' couple that may be difficult

Personally I don't think there's a link I think the first is normal man behaviour with a situation he's not used to, the second needs sorting or it will fester away I m sure you ve done nothing wrong but it does sound as if he's gone into his man cave for some reasons and please don't think because he says there's no medical problem that there isn't It needs talking about and bringing into the open but how? only you can work that out I m afraid

Good luck ?

I have never suggested counselling to anyone before, but I think you need couselling as a couple.

I get the impression, could be wrong, that you do not talk that much either[though this may be because he isnt].

I have no idea if you could still go on your own even if he dudnt.
Something needs to change doesnt it?

Jules you have to be strong here and take a deep breath and ask if still wants to be with you, you may not like the answer but you cant carry on like this. There is no point in beating about the bush or second guessing, that all uses too much energy and gets you nowhere.You never know, you may like the answer.

Don't shoulder all the blame here Jules, there are always different sides to a problem.
There is no other way to resolve things than by talking about them either together or with a counsellor. My guess is that he will not want counselling. Don't try to discuss everything at once but take one issue at a time, be honest about how you feel but try not to apportion blame. In my experience men rarely instigate or want these types of discussion so it will be down to you.
I'm sorry life is difficult for you at present.

GrandmaJ That is difficult for you. I rather doubt it is personal.
My OH is pretty incapable of ever offering comfort. He does not know how and does not want "to talk about it" prefering to change the subjectahne. He did not really respond when I had to tell my 10&12 yr old children their granddad had died.

I think this is very much a man thing, not all men by any means, but as a gender they seem much less able to deal with emotion than us women.

Similar problems with my late husband. Men are from mars, women are from Venus I'm afraid. Cannot stress enough the need for 'the talk'. And possibly a visit to his GP to find the reason behind his reluctance. Turned out my husband had serious medical problems and he just buried his head in the sand until it was too late

absent - he may be afraid that sexual activity might cause a further stroke; his difficulty in even cuddling up to you may be that he fears he will become aroused.

Could you just say to him sometime during the day, come and give me a big hug/ cuddle As I am feeling rather fragile emotionally? It works in this house, men are not really good at giving you support shen you ars reduced to having a cry. I don' cry often but I did one day had a really good sob upstairs in the bedroom, my husband was downstairs doing something and didn't even notice or comment ln my red eyes and cry face!

So many men of a particular generation need to be nudged when it comes to emotional response. Their fathers were even worse. I think perhaps we tend to look at our children (a later generation, who 'let it all hang out')and think why didn't our partners share our dark moments etc? My OH's response to my occasional weep was 'Cheer up old love, it's not as bad as it seems' And if we had an upcoming wedding, christening, anything requiring a PDA his mantra was 'No blubbing, girls' . It never really bothered me... I knew he cared, just didn't approve of lavish, OTT displays.
Why does 'counselling' ( the buzzword of the century) have to crop up so often on GN?

Oh I agree -willsmadnan
Counselling, narcissistic disorder, controlling, all the same old same old psychobabble.
Some men can't manage sex (prostate, overweight, confidence, fear of stroke/heart attack) but it doesn't mean they love you any less.
Some men, especially of the "old school" are bad with displays of emotion. You must know your husband best and the fact that is has occurred to you that you might be over reacting suggests you have an inkling that this might be "normal" behaviour for him.
Old dogs, new tricks.
Have you asked him?

GrandmaJules, I thought about your post before I replied. I have two friends in similar situations. Maybe it's just a worn out situation that needs reinventing. One of my friends tells me that at home, her husband acts as though he's on a different planet. But when they go away for a weekend, they recapture something. They've now bought a caravan and have regular weekends away. Could a change of scenery help?

I'm not a fan of counselling either.

OP have you asked him why he behaves like this? How does he respond, if so?

As someone who has benefitted hugely from counselling I feel personally insulted by it being described as psychobabble but don't feel that it would necessarily be helpful in this case.
My husband and I had a very good sex life until about 3 years before he died when his physical problems just meant it was too difficult for him to make love in the way we were used to. I suggested that we maintain our physical intimacy in other ways but that didn't really work and I so missed the cuddles and hugs. I felt much as GrandmaJules does, then one day as he was getting changed in our bedroom he turned and said, 'We've had some wonderful times in this room haven't we?' It made me realise that he was mourning the passing of that side of our relationship too. Maybe your husband feels the same way Grandma Jules but is tongue tied.
I would urge you to try and open up a conversation. My husband died very suddenly not long after that and I treasure his words.

Barmyoldbat
I know the feeling My late DH could never show emotion like myself.Not just because we were of different sexes.
I cried from frustration many times but not in front of him as I found from experience all I would get was a huff puff and a ' What's the matter now'
In later years when it was necessary to have couple counselling for us to deal with his onset of dementia we were asked what we admired about each other. I said he made me feel safe.DH replied 'she makes nice cakes'
How could you follow that.?

Jules,so sorry to hear of your bad news, I hope you are feeling better now. About his "problem" men dont like to go to Doctors with " mens problems" they feel embarrassed and feel less manly, but there are so many things to help, I am sure he would be relieved to hear about them. My OH had a problem which was solved by medicine, not that it has helped the sex life much, I guess we are all getting older, and our needs change.
Good luck Jules, sending a hug.

My husband and I married in our mid 50s and he was the most openly affectionate and loving person and we had a happy sex life. Suddenly it stopped due to prostate problems but so did the cuddles and hugs and all other physical signs of affection. I found it, and still find it, so sad. It meant so much more than sex itself.

He has since suffered from depression and that is very isolating. I agree that generally men do find it uncomfortable to talk about these things but it's so much better if you can bring it out into the open. (((Hugs from me)))