" You don't love your grandchild enough!"

Hi
Thank you. We are trying to reach out & make more of an effort with s but being met with resistance at present. But we'll persevere. Our gs is precious to us & we will do everything to 're build our relationship & then work on building the rift between b & s.x

The only ds comment I would take notice of is the idea you should make an effort. Is ds correct that you commit less effort to vising him, dil, and their child?

I have similar sitation.except my son & dil accuse us of spending more time with my daughter's son. We do See my daughter sil & grandson frequently as they call in.& l am helping daughter plan her wedding. Whereas my son & dil never call in or text.situation has escalated where son now expects us to make more effort. We actually have their son more in grandparents alone time than my daughter's son.in addition they blame my daughter and are trying to cause rift with my other daughter. These are our first grandchildren born 3 weeks apart. I have 3 children so could have a brood of grandchildren which we'd love. But we can't dedicate all or free time we both still work full time. Feel son & dil are being very manipulative or are we in the wrong? It's very stressful.

I would never have asked either my late DM or late DMIL to do this. They were both amazing Grannies with amazing relationships with my DC. They did babysit if asked (if able too) and also spent time with DGC, staying over, holidays etc. This was a huge support as my (grown up )DS is severely disabled.

In fact this arrangement was a help, as if I had a child care issue/DC ill etc when I was working I felt able to ask for help. Always on the basis that it was up to them to say yes, or no depending on their plans. I miss them every day.

Not in the slightest, go out have some great times. Things change ;you may feel differently later. Life really is for living . From what you've put things are ok and you have nothing to feel guilty for x

My advice is don't even start it. I did for one grandchild one day a week. Now ten years later my husband and I are caring for 3 kids for at least 3 days a week and occasional babysitting for 3 others as well as caring for an elderly father who has dementia and lives alone. None of this was anticipated when I planned my retirement.

Oh and what if dil decides to work a 3rd day, after some time has past? Then will it be, "Can you take baby two days a week?" Day6, if you're really not into this, probably better not to get started.

Two problems with "a day":

1. It could turn into 2 days - or more. What if whoever has the child on the other day gets sick or something? Then are the parents going to say/ask/beg, "Can you just take baby the extra day, just this week?"

2. Day6 and dh simply don't want to be committed to regular, weekly childminding. So even "just a day" would be "too much."

Day 6

I have 6 grandchildren. My eldest grandaughter is now 27 and she now has a little girl. She has recently gone back to work and I look after my delightful greatgrandaughter who is 10 months on Thursdays from 7am, sometimes all day, but usually till about 3pm. I love it and feel glad that at nearly 77 I am still able to do it. I have no stairs so it's manageable although it constant for that day and I need a rest when her dad collects her!

I was widowed in 2012, so sadly my husband never met our 2 youngest grandsons who live in Slovakia the eldest is 4 today and has a baby brother who is now 7 months. I have made many visits there since he died, I am there just now returning to the UK tomorrow, in time to do my Thursday session!

My husband and were always involved in sitting and sleep overs with the older grandchildren, who are now 27, 26, 19, 16, but we were much younger then. I think it is nice to help, but still have time for both of you to do things together. It builds long lasting relationships, I feel half a day is not so bad and gives you both that time with the gc, but it's not a walk in the park!

Thanks for all your messages and views. It's really helped me feel better. OH and I have been mulling it over and going round in circles. It's been good to share it with other grandparents.

But we DO help out whereami. We've done quite a lot of baby sitting since he was born.

This is why I am perturbed by the accusation. It's as though we can only truly love him if we dote on him and clamour to have him.

I do feel for grandparents who miss out because other grandparents seem to be the chosen ones in terms of looking after their GC. This happened to us with our first GC. The other GPs did the lion's share and we were asked to help out only if they weren't available. I was OK with that but I can understand the hurt if you are always overlooked.

I'd hate our gcs to be pawns in 'caring wars' though.

My take on it is, as long as these precious little ones are shown lots of love, it doesn't matter where it comes from. I appreciate other Grannies who really enjoy childcare might be hurt not to be asked.

we only have 1 GC who lives nearer to his other grandparents (my DIL's parents) who get the lions share of him at holiday time, Xmas and during the week. We hardly ever see him unless we ask to have him. I would have loved to have been asked to have him one day a week, but we are ignored. Being retired we have loads of time on our hands and use it for enjoying ourselves, giving up one of those days a week would not affect our enjoyment. They are little for such a short time. Surely you could show your son how much they matter for one day a week. Give a little and get a lot back! Give it a go if it doesn't work out then what's the damage? Relationships are valuable and you may need his help one day.!

I think you sound like a loving grandparent too. And for what it's worth, if you know the child from when they were a baby or a young child, you can love them just as much whether they are biological grandchildren or step grandchildren. Does anybody ever suggest that adoptive parents love their children any less than biological parents love their children? Well it is the same with step grandchildren.

7am - 6pm? No!
Being a grandparent shouldn't pigeon-hole you into a category, in that some grandparents love looking after their grandchildren and some don't. Some grandparents can't look after their grandchildren. It's their baby, their responsibility, not yours!
I hope the problem resolves itself, because, let's be honest, no one really knows how hard it is to have a baby until you do, and you sound like loving caring grandparents. Good luck!

Thank goodness for wooden seats in the park!
But I will get back to walking the parallel bar when my balance improves

Day6. Go Girl! This is YOUR time. You've worked for it!

Good post Flossie
What this discussion boils down to is that we are all different.I loved being a Mum, and I was very tired a lot of times, as we had nobody at all to help out, even for an hour or two, but, even if my own Mother had been alive and living near, I wouldn't have expected her to do more than visit, and maybe take a small child to the park, or have a walk with the baby in the pram.I gave up work until the children were school age, and it meant that we didn't have much money, the budget was very tight, but I was there for them.
We don't want any regular committments now but babysit now and then, or have the younger DGC for a few hours, again, now and then.I find it tedious too tbh, albeit with some nice moments within it.I like children, but they can be very wearing.

Saying he is a daddy bore is not cruel. The great thing about sites like these is we can air very private thoughts without offence to the person concerned. Finding out that it is OK to have these thoughts and that they are shared by others is reassuring.

I am 70 I love my children and grandchildren. I enjoy their company but I also like my time alone. With our age statrting to tell on me and on DH we find the children's loud voices a little wearying. We no longer want to stand in park while they play, visit the zoo or museums . The older grandchildren are adults and teenagers, the younger ones babies and primary age. We cannot be as involved with the younger ones as we were with their older cousins/siblings.

I think this boils down to mutual respect for each other's life-styles. I don't expect them to constantly be at my beck and call nor do they impose on us. I occasionally ask for them to do jobs, they occasionally ask for help from us. If any of us say 'no can't do that' it is accepted without question.

Daddy-bore ! Op you are showing your true colours with comments like that

I'm surprised this thread is still running. The OP has been asked politely whether she wants to look after her grandchild one day a week. She has politely refused. We are told that there was an argument, but only know what was said on one side, so how can we possibly judge as to whether anyone should feel guilty?

But seeing as you ask, OP. Is it cruel to say he's become a daddy-bore?

In my humble opinion, yes, it is.

but at 70 I think you should be tucked up in bed and not driving home after midnight
or else out living it up yourself Gemmag

It's taken so much for granted that GP will look after the DG that they are made to feel guilty if they don't and that surely cannot be right. It's fine for those GP who see looking after the DG as a privilege but something quite different when GP are almost pressured into it and that is exactly what is happening to some GP. Age also comes into it as you can be an extremely fit 60 year old GP but at 70 I think you should be tucked up in bed and not driving home after midnight which I have done on a few occasions as I always tell them to have a great time and not to hurry back?.

Of course you love your GC. Not everyone wants to retire to childminding. Enjoy your DH, travel, and retirement, you don't have to provide the huge favour of childminding. Allow DS the privilege of finding nursery care for his DS.

Sorry Day6 if I misunderstood but you did refer to caring for a child as 'tedious'. I too raised children on my own, supported DS and GS through a partnership break up and still care for my 94 yer old mother.
It sounds as if you have taken an active part in your GCs lives up till now could it be that your OH's DS expected you to be the same with his child and believes that you do not care for him as much as your own children?

I should say that I enjoyed looking after DGC a day or two a week, but not everyone does; other DGP cared for them too, so the arrangements for going somewhere or on holiday could be flexible.