family rift and GS's 18th birthday do

Bluebird, you're welcome. I recognised your story and I too was the family scapegoat. In my case, I escaped and left them all eating out of the same trough a long time ago.
If you've got PTSD, then you will be vulnerable to bouts of insensitivity and ongoing jibes. There is no cure for PTSD so it's best to avoid all the triggers. Don't worry about analysing it or giving them the benefit of the doubt. The minute you can feel your anxiety levels rising, abide by your inner radar and steer clear.
If you know that the behaviour is deliberate and designed to upset you, just leave them be and stick with those people who treat you properly. xx

Bluebird, I don't know if this will help any but the words she put on Facebook are not personal. It's a meme that goes around FB and people share it. She wouldn't be talking about you personally but the old tale of MIL's in general. It is a joke,really! Maybe not a nice one but remember you are not her friend on FB and she didn't expect you to see it so she will think you are not being fair. I do however think your GS's attitude towards you is discraceful,have you told your son about it? I would give him nothing for his birthday and would stay away from party for your health. It's so very hard feeling that family don't like you and I know that feeling,just look after yourself and please don't bother about FB it's really not worth it.

That is very sad for you bluebird. I agree with others, politely decline the invitation on health grounds and send your grandson a cheque for his birthday.
Move on from this and do things you enjoy with the rest of your family. Forget stupid FB comments not worth wasting any more time on.

BlueBird I agree with all the advice above, I have learnt as I have got older to just decline invitations to events that I know I will not enjoy, we do not have to put ourselves through such pain.

I think your DIL is a very sad woman how can it lead to a fullfing life to treat others in such a way, and how sad her son has learnt to behave in a similar way. If you are never thanked, in your position if I had an invitation I would send a gift in the form of a money or token and then stop any further gifts from 18.

Thank you norose, I appreciate the support. It truly is a bad situation as my sons meant everything to me [single parent most of the time] and I love them and my grandchildren so much. The post was like a kick in the guts/soul.
I have a relationship with my son who sometimes visits me, but is annoyed as the birthday has brought things up again. They nearly split up recently so he just wants things to settle down.

I shall lie low.

How awful for you Bluebird, agree with other post, don't allow yourself to be put in that position you are right in deciding not to attend the meal. Try to take comfort from the fact that your son invited you. Sadly it seems you aren't going to gain any ground with the daughter in law who sounds horrible & is not instilling good manners in her son by the sound of it. Look after yourself & try not to let it get you down, focus on taking care of yourself big hugs ?

nina thank you so much for understanding. You have pretty much summed it up and my CPTSD was caused by being the family scapegoat throughout childhood and beyond. This is so similar and has invoked many painful memories of being scorned and left out/pushed out.

I have tried to keep my distance and dignity and hope to continue to do so. Son is in the middle and I really feel for him but he just doesn't understand and just wants a quiet life. So do I. DIL likes drama though, and likes any excuse to put another person down [thereby putting herself up]. I think she sees me as a rival and I have no idea why. I used to view her a friend/ally.

Bluebird, my guess is that they have spotted your vulnerability and are making you a target. Could be a new sport in their lives and you are the bait. I have seen it many times and been on the recieving end.
The best advice I can offer is without actually saying it, allow yourself to think that they are the dumb ones. Then treat them as such. I know this advice might not sound orthodox but trust me, I'm an old hand at dealing with small minded relatives.

Don't retaliate. Keep things polite, stay at a safe distance, (you can be a very successful family member from a distance) and do your very best not to take the bait or bite on their hook). Count to 10.

If you're nervous and anxious, just stay away from them. Tell your son you'd loved to go, BUT..............then just make sure you've got another date. He'll probably be relieved.