family rift and GS's 18th birthday do

Bluebird, my guess is that they have spotted your vulnerability and are making you a target. Could be a new sport in their lives and you are the bait. I have seen it many times and been on the recieving end.
The best advice I can offer is without actually saying it, allow yourself to think that they are the dumb ones. Then treat them as such. I know this advice might not sound orthodox but trust me, I'm an old hand at dealing with small minded relatives.

Don't retaliate. Keep things polite, stay at a safe distance, (you can be a very successful family member from a distance) and do your very best not to take the bait or bite on their hook). Count to 10.

If you're nervous and anxious, just stay away from them. Tell your son you'd loved to go, BUT..............then just make sure you've got another date. He'll probably be relieved.

nina thank you so much for understanding. You have pretty much summed it up and my CPTSD was caused by being the family scapegoat throughout childhood and beyond. This is so similar and has invoked many painful memories of being scorned and left out/pushed out.

I have tried to keep my distance and dignity and hope to continue to do so. Son is in the middle and I really feel for him but he just doesn't understand and just wants a quiet life. So do I. DIL likes drama though, and likes any excuse to put another person down [thereby putting herself up]. I think she sees me as a rival and I have no idea why. I used to view her a friend/ally.

How awful for you Bluebird, agree with other post, don't allow yourself to be put in that position you are right in deciding not to attend the meal. Try to take comfort from the fact that your son invited you. Sadly it seems you aren't going to gain any ground with the daughter in law who sounds horrible & is not instilling good manners in her son by the sound of it. Look after yourself & try not to let it get you down, focus on taking care of yourself big hugs ?

Thank you norose, I appreciate the support. It truly is a bad situation as my sons meant everything to me [single parent most of the time] and I love them and my grandchildren so much. The post was like a kick in the guts/soul.
I have a relationship with my son who sometimes visits me, but is annoyed as the birthday has brought things up again. They nearly split up recently so he just wants things to settle down.

I shall lie low.

BlueBird I agree with all the advice above, I have learnt as I have got older to just decline invitations to events that I know I will not enjoy, we do not have to put ourselves through such pain.

I think your DIL is a very sad woman how can it lead to a fullfing life to treat others in such a way, and how sad her son has learnt to behave in a similar way. If you are never thanked, in your position if I had an invitation I would send a gift in the form of a money or token and then stop any further gifts from 18.

That is very sad for you bluebird. I agree with others, politely decline the invitation on health grounds and send your grandson a cheque for his birthday.
Move on from this and do things you enjoy with the rest of your family. Forget stupid FB comments not worth wasting any more time on.

Bluebird, I don't know if this will help any but the words she put on Facebook are not personal. It's a meme that goes around FB and people share it. She wouldn't be talking about you personally but the old tale of MIL's in general. It is a joke,really! Maybe not a nice one but remember you are not her friend on FB and she didn't expect you to see it so she will think you are not being fair. I do however think your GS's attitude towards you is discraceful,have you told your son about it? I would give him nothing for his birthday and would stay away from party for your health. It's so very hard feeling that family don't like you and I know that feeling,just look after yourself and please don't bother about FB it's really not worth it.

Bluebird, you're welcome. I recognised your story and I too was the family scapegoat. In my case, I escaped and left them all eating out of the same trough a long time ago.
If you've got PTSD, then you will be vulnerable to bouts of insensitivity and ongoing jibes. There is no cure for PTSD so it's best to avoid all the triggers. Don't worry about analysing it or giving them the benefit of the doubt. The minute you can feel your anxiety levels rising, abide by your inner radar and steer clear.
If you know that the behaviour is deliberate and designed to upset you, just leave them be and stick with those people who treat you properly. xx

Hilltop, my thought are the same as yours...birthday money for 18th then stop if there is no real relationship afterwards. DIL has little respect for her own [unwell] mother so I should not expect any myself going by that.

annemac, I have deduced it is a 'sendaround'. But why choose to keep it up on facebook, for all her friends to see? It is addressed to 'Mother in Law', it is on her facebook...I am her mother in law, and the post is sarcastic/derogatory, so not personal as such, but if it didn't relate to her particular MIL/didn't strike a chord with her why not just laugh and delete?.....But I get what you are saying.

And why not just a 'sorry' on text to me, it would have taken 10 seconds. My son was furious and she knew I was very hurt.

nina, I have escaped from family of origin bullying and this is like history repeating itself, it feels awful.

I have nearly lost my eldest son and yet I feel I have done nothing to deserve this, just state my feelings and try to stick up for myself. DIL though has eased me out of the family [I think I have provided her with the opportunity] which she always wanted all to herself.
However my other DIL is lovely, and comes from a great family, is a wonderful mother and clearly adores my youngest son[and vice versa].

Bluebird, I can relate to your situation. I no longer go to my sons house unless I have to but he does visit me, sometimes on his own and sometimes with a gc. I have no social contact whatsoever with my dil, I don't send her or the eldest GC birthday cards etc, they have acted in an appalling way to us and I will quite frankly not put up with it or stress myself over their behaviour. The other gc in the house are ok and I have quite a good relationship with them. Your son sounds like he supports you so I would build on that have him and the gc who treat you with respect over for lunch even do as I do have a holiday without the dil and gc who shows you know respect and stop the birthday cash.. You don't deserve this treatment, its a form of bullying on their part, like kids picking on someone.

Bluebird, if DIL is deliberately posting memes so you can see them, she's taking a poke at you. People use memes all the time to send a direct message to another person in the hope that they can upset or offend them. You will know her well enough to guess what she's up to. If you've got a lovely other DIL, well you are doing OK. Post a meme on your FB about wonderful DIL's.
That should disarm her.

Some people will never evolve. We just have to feel sorry for them and thank our lucky stars that there is email and a telephone.

Barmy, I'm sorry the same is happening for you, but good your son and GC sees you. My son is a softy afraid of being on his own and has put up with all sorts of behaviours from DIL, never really addressing it so it never gets resolved properly.

The support on this thread has been so helpful. I have struggled with all this for nearly 2 years feeling pushed down by it all but feel I can stand taller now. So thank you all.
My friend, who has been blocked on FB, was very fond of my grandchildren and has also been hurt by this and stands by me 100%. She did nothing wrong yet is not welcome in their lives/home despite years of babysitting/presents for birthdays, wedding and Christmas. Dreadful.

I agree with annemac101, she didn't know you would see it, people post all sorts of things they think will amuse their friends but don't really think them, they just click share or like without thinking. I think many of us suffer from thinking people are talking about us or thinking about us but they rarely are.

nina, I don't have facebook [hate it] but saw post on friends page [she has known DIL for many years]. The fact she thought I wouldn't see it, though obviously friend would, somehow makes it worse...more sly and meant.
I feel like saying something to make her sit up but hate, hate mind games. It would backfire anyway.

One of my points to my son was that I have been online for 17 years now and despite being provoked by her on numerous occasions I had never said anything about my DIL's....apart from saying once that I was lucky that I had 2 great DIL's! Ironic now.
Son was 100% behind me when it happened but as time has gone on he has changed his stance quite a bit. But if I had hurt someone badly I would feel awful.

In that case Bluebird do not bother going to any celebration involving a ghastly 18 year old who should know better.Tell your son that you have anxiety problems, and in the future start spending your money on yourself and not unpleasant and ungrateful relatives.?

bluebirdwsm
Is your DS aware that
'Grandson has in the past ignored me in the street, laughed at me in the street when with friends, refused offers of meals out and here, not thanked me for birthday cash for 3 years, and doesn't visit [I live 10 minutes walk away]'?
I would never have treated my grandparents in such an appalling manner, but if I had, my parents would have both ensured that I couldn't sit down for a week! Sorry to sound harsh, but your GS sounds like a rude and obnoxious young boy (not mature enough to be called a young man) and until he was willing to show me some respect, it'd be a cold day in Hell before he received another gift from me!

Bluebird, FB is a cesspit sometimes. It really does stir the pot and unfortunately some people, even friends we thought we knew, enjoy the drama.

This is hurting you because it's reopening old wounds. They only really heal to an extent where you can put them on the backburner when there's no conflict. But when they get triggered, such as your DIL, it hurts all over again and the old wounds surface.

The best thing is to just switch off the hurtful relatives and look after you. Your son can't do very much if he's married to her. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it simply looks as though he's under the thumb.

Juggernaut, my son knows of all his son has done. All I get is 'He's a teenager, that's what they do and he's like it with everyone. We hardly see him...'

Well my sons didn't act like it. To be truthful [and I'm aware I'm drip feeding on this thread] my son is not very emotionally intelligent, and pretty naïve regarding parenting/child development and leaves most of it to DIL who I would have to say isn't that bright.

I loved my grandmother and can't understand his indifference [only that he takes things for granted, and yes he is immature]. I'm not impressed with him. But then, I was brought up my grandmother. However GS and me were very close and he was very fond of me...until he was about 13- 14 and distanced himself a lot.

Unfortunately his personality is now a lot like his mothers, boastful, materialistic and no respect [esp. towards older people].

nina, I don't usually put my needs first but I have to in this instance as I would have to face 5 adult members of DIL's family at the meal, who have been told God knows what by DIL. I have to lead a life as calm as possible to maintain equilibrium.
My son is definitely under the thumb but bless him, doesn't seem to realise it.

Bluebird, I'm so sorry about all this. The person I blame for hurting you, however, is your friend, not dil. Why did your friend show you that post? If she knew it was just a meme and not directed at you, why show it to you? If she didn't know and thought it was a strike at you, again, why show it to you and hurt you?

Maybe she didn't mean to do anything wrong, but she did. She showed you something that DIL didn't intend for you to see that hurt your feelings unnecessarily and caused an argument in her marriage. No wonder friend is now blocked from dil's page, too!

That being said, I agree that you should decline the invite to GS' 18th birthday. At best, he's indifferent to you, sadly, and at worst, mocking and cruel. Dil is not your friend, and apparently, you're not comfortable with her foo (family of origin) either. Why set yourself up to be miserable? Find something else to do that day and enjoy yourself!

Barmy, I feel for you also. I'm glad you now only see ds and the gc who you have a good relationship with. Most likely, dil and the older gc prefer this arrangement, too. But even if they don't, imo, it is the best solution.

I think a lovely present for your grandson's 18 th would be a pack of Thank you cards from Paperchase with a pack of stamps and a guide to letter writing. It would be daft to go to the party and be hurt . Half bottle of champagne to toast him on his birthday and hope that he will improve with age.
Facebook is a blot on the World Wide Web.

Starlady, No, no it is no way my friends fault, no way. She hardly went on DIL's FB and had not been on for weeks before the rainy afternoon when I asked her if there were any recent pics of my grandsons on there. Scrolling down we saw the post....I was the one who noticed the 'Mother-in-Law' heading briefly [friend hadn't] and asked her to stop for me to see what it said. She did nothing wrong. Why on earth would she want to cause trouble with a family she was close to and loved seeing my GS's?

The person who posted was wrong, not the person reading it. FGS!

I could say more than I'm saying on here re: DIL and people would be appalled....but I won't. Just take my word.

Stansgran, great idea! But no one writes these days do they? sadly...but it gives me an idea of finding out GS's e mail address and sending him a message on his birthday [Monday].

Be assured I will be making the most of the day on the day of the celebration [Sunday] whatever I decide to do. I've had to make my own life for a long time now. I won't dwell. But I sense my son is not happy, and thinks GS will be hurt.

Bluebird when my only gs was 16 he had been acting so badly towards me, just following his mums example, so for the Christmas instead of giving him a card and some Christmas money I gave him a letter that simply said that I was totally fedup with the way he had started to treat me and I didn't feel like giving him card or a present. I asked him if any of his friends treated their grans in the same way. Do you know it did the trick and slowly we have become friends.