Date Night

Hi, I suppose some of its down to individual personalities but I think it can be a generational thing as well. My sons are much more proactive and involved in domestic stuff than my husbands ever been. It does give you a feeling of life passing you by because unless you arrange anything/cook anything/shop....nothing really happens. It also makes me despair sometimes. And yet, when we go on holiday, things change and I realise how unhappy I'd be without him in my life and how much we do have in common. I don't know the answer but relationship wise, I think younger people are in many ways, wiser than us..it makes me feel quite envious of the era they're living in...and what I maybe missed. Perhaps a way forward is to be more independent and do your own thing-I know you asked about dates and that may be good but it probAbly barely touches the surface..

I totally sympathise with how it all gets so exhausting! The problem with having date nights etc. is that no doubt you'd be the one having to organise it all, and then you've just got more to do!
Do you do everything together?
This is a second marriage for both DH and myself and I find that going off by myself to spend a couple of days with DD, who does not live locally, does wonders for making DH appreciate me and realise how much I do.
Interestingly, I also find that I don't always want to relinquish control over what we/I do. It's worth thinking about how you'd feel if he took over.

I organise most of what we do - it's just the way it's always beeen. He occasionally suggests something more than a local walk but not often! I don't think we'd have a holiday if I didn't research, instigate discussion, plan and then book it so I'm not willing to take the risk?

Married and divorced twice I am the last person to offer advice, except to say I am happy and content

Interesting......from day one of our marriage I did all the social organising and I loved it. I got to do EXACTLY what I wanted. To be fair, I always incorporated things I knew my husband might enjoy and I introduced him to some more adventurous stuff which he sometimes ended up enjoying. Never once did he complain so I must have been getting something right.

The only thing wrong with date night, is that it puts a weight of expectation on it to be wonderful.

I think it's just rather nice to pootle along and do whatever you want to now that you are retired.Most husbands/partners sit back and let women organise things ( let's face it, we are better at it) although my DH would organise a holiday for us ( he is always eager for holidays) but would not instigate meeting friends/relatives.I am happy to do that, and ditto for outings. For instance, I wanted to go to Kelmscot Manor last Summer ( the Summer house of William Morris and family) as I like a lot of the Morris designs, DH completely uninterested, but happy to go along with me ( as long as there was lunch out.)So, if we do the organising, then we get to do the things we want to.

absent surprised that nobody else had said it!

We go out and do something together every Sunday. Usually we go somewhere interesting for lunch then an antiques centre or gallery or just a nice walk. The change of scenery and chance to talk is lovely after after our respective busy weeks.
I always organise holidays -wouldn't have it any other way!! We chat about them and discuss possibilities on our Sundays out.

Could you say we'll have a night out / day out once a month, and take it in turns to organise? This could just be a meal out, theatre trip or a weekend away somewhere. Maybe once a week a bit ambitious to start with.

Cherrytree59

I think the July holiday is a great start, as long as your DH knows that it's down to him to organise the whole thing or it won't happen.
Tell him how you feel about life passing you by and ask him for his help to make some changes, even if you're not sure what changes you want. He might come up with some ideas, if he is asked to give it some thought.

Date nights sound like far too much hard work! If DH is content do your own thing.

I'd really like a date night – but not with Mr absent. To my considerable regret, no one is asking.

Think yourself lucky he goes along with your plans and doesnt not want to do anything except watch sport or go fishing etc as many husbands do. If you have been arranging things for 36 years I think that's how your relationship works and you might not be happy if he arranged things as you are obviously better at it by now and you arrange what you want. Bit like asking someone who has never cooked to do the Sunday dinner,

If by saying life is passing you by then arrange something different or go off and dio something on your own, try a new hobby. But do you have the confidence to go and do something without him? You may find life lonely without him by your side.

Just because you are married to someone you are not joined at the hip.

After 35 years of organising everything I am now the one that CBA

Since DH has retired last year he has taken upon the reigns.
I bought NT, Heritage and RSPB memberships and DH is making sure we that we get our money worth.

We do 8 straight days child minding + chicken pox this time round. So after putting house back together, I'm ready for putting my feet up and a bit of light gardening
DH has other ideas...

Ankers I have sometimes felt like getting in to the car and just driving off in to the sunset

Husband and I both work 6 days a week and we share all the chores and make an effort to have Sundays just for us. But it's still easy to get into a rut so this week we've decided to escape. We're going to take a day off, catch a train to London and go and visit Kew Gardens.

Occasionally, we will get up on a Sunday and just take off. No plan and no agenda. Just a random joy ride somewhere together. Being a mystery tour, it's always fun.

Can you not both get in the car and drive somewhere. Whereever the wind takes you.
That way, no planning for either of you?

The only way is to change him, why not start by having a regular day out somewhere, each of you taking it in turns to decide and plan where you go. If you start off with little things like this you can then start passing more of the planning and organising over to him. I get fed up cooking and organsing the main meal of the day, so I have been teaching my H to cook and on Mondays he has to do it all, plan, shop and cook a meal. You say you feel life is passing you by! Is there anything you have longed to do but never done it, why not start doing some of the long to do things even if it is on your own and maybe H will realise he is also missing out.

Kim You are fortunate indeed if life is just passing you by, without any of the very serious health issues, DCs and DGCs living many miles away, estrangements etc, that many on Gransnet have to cope with.

Go out and enjoy yourself, with or without your DH. What do you like doing? If life was perfect, what would it look like?

I thought that date nights were for the beleaguered younger generation. Our generation just goes out.
MrA and I go to concerts , cinemas, restaurants and sometimes we have our friends round for a meal. We play tennis and go ballroom dancing too.
Most of this happens at my instigation. What does it matter that you organise things, if your DH is content to go along with what you want to do? You're obviously better at it than him!

Kim0612, I don't think this is about date nights. More about sorting everything? Your idea to let him sort a July holiday is great. At the end of that week you'll better know if DH is content with "life just passing by" and if you truly care about that dynamic. Might be two distinct issues.

Sorry for lowering the tone.

Sometimes we just talk about whatever pops up

or play with any other devices (except each other)

Oh Teetime .

Dh probably still subscribes to the old idea that the women makes all the social plans, etc. (my dh is like this) and you're tired of it or have adopted more modern ideas.

I don't see how a date night will make a difference though it can be fun. Yes, you will know that you're going out each week and when, but you still will have to make all the plans. The only way to change that would be to have a talk with dh. But there's no guarantee he'll agree to change.

If he does, are you prepared to accept it if he plans a day of fishing for the two of you? Or an afternoon at a sports game? If you would prefer a movie (that you enjoy) or dinner with friends, etc., you might rather be the one who does the planning, after all. I don't mean to stereotype - maybe you love sports and he's the one who would rather do dinner with friends. My point is, are you sure you both have the same ideas of what's fun? And if you don't, how would you resolve that problem?