Weddings, birthdays as a stepmother/stepgrand mother

Blimey. Being a step mum/grandma is so hard. There are certainly no easy answers as all families are so different. My 3 DC and 2 step children are like chalk and cheese, but as they have become adults they all rub along ok. I have 5 step DGC who all call me grandma as the other grandmas aren't around, and I love them all. However, I also have 1 biological DGD and there will always be a subtle difference. With blood relations there is always unconditional love, which for me isn't always there for my step family. It's just a different feeling, and little slights which are forgiven in family are sometimes hard to forgive with steps. I'm sure my husband feels the same, and we have discussed this in the past (heatedly!) I imagine that this is the same for the steps too. I always include them in everything and treat them outwardly all the same, but it's always their dad/grandad they will ring/text with news. My only bit of advice is be yourself, and the rest is their choice. I make any hurt my own 'secret sorrow' and keep schtum. It's no ones fault and complaining can only make it worse. I'm sure time will help Zorro21, it's definitely a long game x

More and more family are blended due to separation of relationships and joining of new relationships. Perhaps a rethink on everyones behalf on how families should conduct themselves. Be grown up about it. I suppose communication is the answer. Zorro. Perhaps talk to someone in the family you get on really well with about how you feel left out. Presumably it's because their mother will be at the events?

DH and I married 8 years ago. He was divorced, I was widowed. My children, and grandchildren who all arrived after we got together treat him as Grandad. I think this is partly because there is no confusion as there is no other Grandad on this side. However I am aware that my 'steps' both children and grand children have to contend with more confusing situations. I'm sure DH's ex is not keen on me being called Grandma which I can understand but they all do call me Grandma.
But I do get overlooked at times and I have to think sometimes that they - the steps - are in an impossible situation. They are trying to please various adults when all they really want to do is for everybody to love their children.

Eggybread72 - I think you could well be right, and perhaps emotionally I should act as you do. It is just that I think that my husband seems to have got it in his head, and he is 17 yrs older than I am, that when he is dead, his twin grandchildren will look after me - and I know this is just not going to happen, judging from the way they behave now !!!

Hello Zorro21 I'm a Stepmum and Stepgran and like you feel I don't really belong in the family even after 20 years. We get on well but when it's a birthday only my husband gets the invite. I don't worry nearly so much these days and just let them get on with it.
Do your stepchildren visit your home ? Would it help if you invited one part of the family over and maybe get closer to them as opposed to trying to mix with them all at the same time?
I feel sad at times that my husbands family don't really need or maybe want me as I too have no children of my own.

Zorro21 I can't really explain what is happening in your family but perhaps my own experiences might give you a little more insight into how children feel after a divorce. I was divorced many years ago, my 3 DCs have taken the whole thing in very different ways and have built different relationships with their father and his partner(s). I am sure sometimes the current partner has felt very offended by how she has been treated, as at least one of them can be very dismissive. What I am saying is that perhaps the things you see as problems in their relationship with you are more likely to be problems between him and them, and there is very little you can do about it. They may see you as leading completely separate lives whereas their blood grandmothers are a part of theirs. It can't be easy for you, but I don't think it is done deliberately.

Zorro21 could it be that as you have no children or grandchildren of your own that his family feel you may not be interested in a closer relationship? or that you actually don't like children? Sorry if that sounds harsh but I do have friends without children who really show no interest if I retail tales of mine, maybe they just have the wrong idea about you.

Sorry Zorro21 your last post was not there when I posted. One member of my husband's family (not the stepchildren) put together a family photo album when they had a new grandchild. Lots of photos of my husband - none of me. We have also been together a long time, so I do know some of what you are feeling

My husband and me both had grown up children when we married. All the grandchildren have been born since then.As far as my grandchildren are concerned by husband is their Grandpa, they are extra lucky because they have three grandfathers instead of two. It is not quite the same with my step grandchildren, but we are too far away to be invited to birthday parties etc. so it is not obvious in that way. Of course we send presents and cards. I feel no animosity from my stepchildren and I am very fond of them. I would, like you, love to be more of a granny to the step grandchildren. I don't know yet if I will be invited to the weddings as it is a bit early yet! it is a very tricky business being a step. My feeling is that the more people to care for a child the better. Do you have any grandchildren of your own?

tanith, I married last May, after about 21 years of living with someone. My husband has three grown-up daughters, a son and 11 grandchildren, from 5 years to 31 years (twin girls)one of whom married last year and one who is marrying soon. I think my husband felt getting married would give me more "status" in the family, which means a lot to him as his father died when he was four and he created his own family because he hadn't got much of one, which is why I don't want want to upset him. He was divorced quite a few years ago, then met me 20 odd years ago. I on the other hand feel I have no status at all - to me it is like having 3 mothers in law and a father in law !!! I have no children of my own.

My husband is step-father and step-grandfather and step-great-grandfather to all my family members but it took a few years for him to be included in all family events and is no longer left out of things. We married over 20 yrs ago and all the grandchildren consider him as granddad the older ones always including him in everything.
Is yours a recent marriage? you do say a new family? If so you need to give it time.