Weddings, birthdays as a stepmother/stepgrand mother

My husband is step-father and step-grandfather and step-great-grandfather to all my family members but it took a few years for him to be included in all family events and is no longer left out of things. We married over 20 yrs ago and all the grandchildren consider him as granddad the older ones always including him in everything.
Is yours a recent marriage? you do say a new family? If so you need to give it time.

tanith, I married last May, after about 21 years of living with someone. My husband has three grown-up daughters, a son and 11 grandchildren, from 5 years to 31 years (twin girls)one of whom married last year and one who is marrying soon. I think my husband felt getting married would give me more "status" in the family, which means a lot to him as his father died when he was four and he created his own family because he hadn't got much of one, which is why I don't want want to upset him. He was divorced quite a few years ago, then met me 20 odd years ago. I on the other hand feel I have no status at all - to me it is like having 3 mothers in law and a father in law !!! I have no children of my own.

My husband and me both had grown up children when we married. All the grandchildren have been born since then.As far as my grandchildren are concerned by husband is their Grandpa, they are extra lucky because they have three grandfathers instead of two. It is not quite the same with my step grandchildren, but we are too far away to be invited to birthday parties etc. so it is not obvious in that way. Of course we send presents and cards. I feel no animosity from my stepchildren and I am very fond of them. I would, like you, love to be more of a granny to the step grandchildren. I don't know yet if I will be invited to the weddings as it is a bit early yet! it is a very tricky business being a step. My feeling is that the more people to care for a child the better. Do you have any grandchildren of your own?

Sorry Zorro21 your last post was not there when I posted. One member of my husband's family (not the stepchildren) put together a family photo album when they had a new grandchild. Lots of photos of my husband - none of me. We have also been together a long time, so I do know some of what you are feeling

Zorro21 could it be that as you have no children or grandchildren of your own that his family feel you may not be interested in a closer relationship? or that you actually don't like children? Sorry if that sounds harsh but I do have friends without children who really show no interest if I retail tales of mine, maybe they just have the wrong idea about you.

Zorro21 I can't really explain what is happening in your family but perhaps my own experiences might give you a little more insight into how children feel after a divorce. I was divorced many years ago, my 3 DCs have taken the whole thing in very different ways and have built different relationships with their father and his partner(s). I am sure sometimes the current partner has felt very offended by how she has been treated, as at least one of them can be very dismissive. What I am saying is that perhaps the things you see as problems in their relationship with you are more likely to be problems between him and them, and there is very little you can do about it. They may see you as leading completely separate lives whereas their blood grandmothers are a part of theirs. It can't be easy for you, but I don't think it is done deliberately.

Hello Zorro21 I'm a Stepmum and Stepgran and like you feel I don't really belong in the family even after 20 years. We get on well but when it's a birthday only my husband gets the invite. I don't worry nearly so much these days and just let them get on with it.
Do your stepchildren visit your home ? Would it help if you invited one part of the family over and maybe get closer to them as opposed to trying to mix with them all at the same time?
I feel sad at times that my husbands family don't really need or maybe want me as I too have no children of my own.

Eggybread72 - I think you could well be right, and perhaps emotionally I should act as you do. It is just that I think that my husband seems to have got it in his head, and he is 17 yrs older than I am, that when he is dead, his twin grandchildren will look after me - and I know this is just not going to happen, judging from the way they behave now !!!

DH and I married 8 years ago. He was divorced, I was widowed. My children, and grandchildren who all arrived after we got together treat him as Grandad. I think this is partly because there is no confusion as there is no other Grandad on this side. However I am aware that my 'steps' both children and grand children have to contend with more confusing situations. I'm sure DH's ex is not keen on me being called Grandma which I can understand but they all do call me Grandma.
But I do get overlooked at times and I have to think sometimes that they - the steps - are in an impossible situation. They are trying to please various adults when all they really want to do is for everybody to love their children.

More and more family are blended due to separation of relationships and joining of new relationships. Perhaps a rethink on everyones behalf on how families should conduct themselves. Be grown up about it. I suppose communication is the answer. Zorro. Perhaps talk to someone in the family you get on really well with about how you feel left out. Presumably it's because their mother will be at the events?

Blimey. Being a step mum/grandma is so hard. There are certainly no easy answers as all families are so different. My 3 DC and 2 step children are like chalk and cheese, but as they have become adults they all rub along ok. I have 5 step DGC who all call me grandma as the other grandmas aren't around, and I love them all. However, I also have 1 biological DGD and there will always be a subtle difference. With blood relations there is always unconditional love, which for me isn't always there for my step family. It's just a different feeling, and little slights which are forgiven in family are sometimes hard to forgive with steps. I'm sure my husband feels the same, and we have discussed this in the past (heatedly!) I imagine that this is the same for the steps too. I always include them in everything and treat them outwardly all the same, but it's always their dad/grandad they will ring/text with news. My only bit of advice is be yourself, and the rest is their choice. I make any hurt my own 'secret sorrow' and keep schtum. It's no ones fault and complaining can only make it worse. I'm sure time will help Zorro21, it's definitely a long game x

Being a Step-Mum/Gran is like walking on eggshells at times. My DH had two teenage DC when we met & I had my DD. I moved into their family home, itself fraught with difficulty as DSD was still at home, small changes were made around the house following discussion between her & myself. A year after my DH's ex re-married we married, 2 years later DSD married. At her wedding I was part of the "line-up" at the Reception (confused many of SiL's family) along with DSD's DM & Step Father. I was always included in all family gatherings.

When 1st Step-Grandson was born DSD asked me what I wanted to be called, I said choice was hers, Nanny I became as is her own DM.

Following my DH's death I have cut all ties with Step-Son (control freak) & his family but am still in contact with DSD & her family, we are separated by 100s of miles so now only phone calls, Birthday & Christmas cards, facebook.

My DD & DH adored each other & she misses him especially now when another DGS is due in May. DGS1 still has lovely memories of Gramps.

LadyGaGa wise words, each family is different, I wish you all the best Zorro21

I agree with Larrymin47, that stepchildren are often in a difficult position, trying to please everybody, perhaps especially not wanting to hurt their own mother if their father has married again, or their father if their mother has married again. At my grandchildren's parties, both myself and my husband and my children's father are invited. AND at the very start of our relationship, my husband made it absolutely clear that if I was not invited to an event as well as him, then he would not be going. This was his choice, although i sometimes think his family had the impression that i was pressurising him, which I wasn't. Maybe zorro21 your husband could do something similar, if it is not too late. On the other hand, you wouldn't want to feel you were there on sufference. it is indeed a minefield!

It all centres around how you became a Step-Mother I think. If the children are still missing their Mother then I think your role is to stand back and wait for them to accept you. You cannot and will not just 'become' their new Mother. They already have a Mother. If she is dead then it should happen fairly slowly but if she is still alive of course they will resent you getting married to their Father.

My niece is in this position. She and her husband had a very traumatic divorce. He kept flying in to drunken rages and frightening everyone. He was actually seeing the woman he is about to marry in secret, and my niece found out from a well meaning friend. The children do not want anything at all to do with the Step-Mother to be. They still have to see their Father though although they don't want to. On the other hand my niece has since met a very loving man whose wife died in childbirth leaving him to look after two little children. The children cannot wait for these two to be married.

That is what I mean by 'it depends on how you became their Step-Mother'.

Don't expect to just slip in to the role, give it some time and do not ask them to call you 'Mum' they will do that if they want to.

I am step Mother to 2 boys (20 & 15) and step step Mother to a young woman who is 22 i get on fine with the boys and most years get a card for my Birthday but then Dh doesnt always get a card from them either ! ( depends on their Mums mood) i have tried so hard with my Husbands step daughter but she is just a nightmare ( falls out with her Mum, Dad and everyone else). Every time she causes a argument you wont hear from her until the month before her birthday and then she is on the phone pretending there has been no row. I have 2 sons(28 &25) a Daughter (30) a Granddaughter and step Grandson who all adore my DH and include him in everything and 2 of them say he is more like a Dad than their father. We were both single when we met 8 years ago, i had been divorced for 3 years and DH had been separated for 18 months although his Step Daughter blames me for him divorcing her Mum even though the divorce was on her adultery. You just have to get on with your own life and not expect too much

My H is a step with no children of his own but he is very close to my two children, they send him the fathers day card etc and when my daughter married he was asked to give her away despite her father being at the wedding. I should imagine its easier when the other side has very little contact or interest but I could be wrong. Hope it improves for you.

I have a step-daughter with 3 children, and have always been called by my christian name by all of them. My DH died about 10 years ago. They lived a long way from us until 2 years ago. Due to various circumstances, we ended up living in the same town as them (myself, DD & DGD). One of the DGC married last year and invited DD & DGD but not me. She apologised because her 'proper' gran was going (who my DH divorced to marry me) so didn't think she would want me there. Next one is getting married this year and has invited DD & DGD to wedding, but me just to evening do. Proper gran will be there as well I presume. Don't know whether to go or not bother.

I've been thinking about this all day! How complicated life can get from two people getting together to have a happier life together than separately before.
My husband and I met and married within a very short time which must, in retrospect, have been a shock for everyone. I had been divorced for nerarly 20 years and he had been separated for 2 or 3 years. Between us we had my 2 children, his 3 birth children and his 2 step children! All with a a 20 year age gap from his youngest to my eldest.
My first surprise was when one of his dear sons said how lovely it was that I had joined his family.......up to that point I thought he had joined MY family and it was a real lesson learnt! A few years later my husband was asked to 'give away' his step daughter when she married. I was welcomed but felt awkward when he gave such a glowing recollection of her childhood which I knew so little about and her mother glowed at the happy memories. Honestly I think we both felt sad that we had such lovely but separate families
I dearly love my step children who were all adult when we married but think of them like very special 'nephews and neices', They have their own 'parents' but we are all part of the same 'tribe' and rarely meet the extended families.

It's fascinating reading all the stories about 'blended' families. But here's the difference , Zorro and I don't have children of our own so it can feel quite lonely joining a family,especially if another 'mum or grandma' aren't needed as they already have their own. There's no bad feeling between my stepdaughter and stepchildren,it's just that I am surplus and my step granddaughter who is just 7 has realised this and started calling me by my christian name instead of nana.

Eggybread72
I am not a stepmum so do not know what it is like to be left out of family functions.
I would however be very upset,if my husband attended his childrens, not mine, events when he knew I wasn't invited.
But then that's me.

I'm not a stepmum or stepgran either, so this is just my opinion, that's all. But Zorro, I think your sc and sgc may just see sps and sgps as having a different place in their lives from bio parents/gps. Maybe their mum taught them this or maybe it's just their own pov. It may have nothing to do with you, personally. They may just feel that sps should only be included at major events where there will be a lot of people like weddings. But they may feel that only bios "belong" at smaller events, particularly if there is only room for so many. I'm so sorry, but that might be the case. The best you can do, imo, is accept things as they are and make the best of the time you do get with them.

Eggybread72 You say only your husband gets an invite to birthdays? Does he go? Surely after 20 odd years, he owes you some loyalty. If that happened to me, I'd expect him to say no, not without my wife.

When I met my DH he already had a baby daughter who was the result of a holiday romance and lived in Norway as her Mum is Norwegian. She was never his girlfriend. When we got engaged, her Mum wouldn't meet me, but she did let us take the baby out in her pushchair when I visited Norway where my husband was working at the time. Later on, when we had got married and our daughter was born, she brought Alexandra over to England to meet her and from then on, we never looked back. When Alexandra was little she used to come over with her Mum and as she grew up she would come on her own. I get on very well with her Mum. We went over for Alexandra's wedding in Denmark, where she now lives and we now have two dear little grandchildren. We had to miss the christening of the first little boy as my husband was right in his busy period at work, but we went over to see him afterwards, with our daughter and we were able to go over for the little girl's baptism. We are like one big happy family and I never feel left-out. Alexandra's Mum got married for the first time when she was over 60 and we get on very well with her husband as well.

Shouldn't one's loyalty be to the bio children, after all they were on the scene first. I'm the ex-wife and feel very strongly that my children are mine and not the current floosie's. I don't have much to show for 40 years of marriage apart from my children and grandchildren and am absolutely terrified of them prefering her. Lack of self esteem more than anything else. I am the one refusing invitations to weddings etc because of hurting so much over being replaced by a younger model. So it does go both ways.