Weddings, birthdays as a stepmother/stepgrand mother

Actually I am the only grandparent (plus DH) as all his GPs died long ago. The bride is a lovely girl but he is very much in control of the whole thing as he is paying. So I do feel it's a bit of a kick in the the teeth. Still I doubt if we will ever see them again so best to just get on with our lives. Just feeling rather jaded with family in general I think.

It is very hurtful Daisyboots but could you go and combine it to make it into a holiday? I would give a present too. It would keep the peace. All the best.

So other sets of grandparents are invited to these parties but you and your husband are not? I find that weird.

My extended family has many, many stepparents and stepgrands who are all treated the same as the bio parents/grands in terms of invitations, etc.

Zorro, glad our comments helped you feel better.

Daisyboots, yes, I think I would feel the same way - at first. But when you think about it, maybe this wasn't based on a decision he made alone. Perhaps it reflects something he and his bride decided together - for example, "only blood gps and their spouses invited to the ceremony plus reception, steps only to the reception." It sounds cold, even as I write it, but if his bride has any steps, it might be based on how she feels, and they may not think it's fair to treat his steps differently.

It's also possible that one of the blood gps has voiced an objection to sgps being at the ceremony, as ridiculous as I think that is. Your sgs and his bride may have been pressured into pleasing that awful gp. Or, sad to say, some foolish person may have objected to steps being present, at all, and this was a compromise.

Also, so often, Iv noticed people plan weddings and guest lists according to what they think is "supposed to" be, instead of how people feel about each other. I don't mean everyone, I know some people who go strictly by what they feel about each prospective guest. But Iv also known some who go by what they think is "correct."

Or it may be as you say. Anyhow, so sorry you've been hurt by this. You don't have to go, of course, and if not, you certainly don't have to send a gift. However, I would err on the side of being generous, give sgs the benefit of the doubt and sens a little something.

I am a stepgrandparent as my DIL has 3 children from a previous marriage. I have always treated them the same as all my other grandchilren. The eldest is getting married later in the year and as I live abroad I didn't know whether I would be invited. I had been invited to the weddings of the other two. He messaged asking for my address which I gave. Now I have received the invitation to the evening reception only. I really wish he hadnt bothered because it is as though he knew we wouldnt go to all the expense of flights, car hire etc for just the evening but then could have said "well they were invited" if anyone asked. I have always got on well with him before. Included in the invitation was a link to their honeymoon plans and an invitation to contribute towards the cost.
It's not that they need to keep the costs either. So I just feel a little jaded about it all. Would other GNs feel the same? I certainly dont feel inclined to send money either.

Thank you so much for all your interesting responses, which have in their different ways helped me to see the wider picture and worry less about things which I was worrying about when I wrote my original post. I have no-one else in a similar position to help, or talk to honestly about it and you all really have due to your previous experiences !

Been there, done it, read the book, am wearing the tee shirt! Dont worry about it. As long as you and your husband are happy....nothing else matters...it doesn't bother me in the slightest that my husband's children do not include me in most things....it works both ways! My husband fully understands the issues I have had with them and the problems they have caused me in the past. Now we just ignore it, or maybe not even go to events and do our own thing.

Peepdon't refuse invitations to weddings, put on your best face get your hair done, buy something nice and prove you are brave and independent. I went to my DS's wedding and saw my ex or the first time in years, he looked dreadfully old and the current squeeze was wearing an outfit that was far too young for her. It made me feel much better. I haven't aged badly and I wore a great outfit, made me feel heaps better!

If my husband dies before me I will leave everything divided between all our children in my will. Unless I suppose I have to sell everything to go in a care home.

Peep Don't worry about them prefering her, you are their mother and they will always love you, even if they become fond or her, she will never replace you in their hearts. Not so sure about the loyalty being to the bio children because "they were on the scene first" isn't that a bit like saying you should always favour your first child because they were on the scene first.
Sarahellenwhitney my husband has always made that very clear, right from the start. if I wasn't invited then he wasn't going.

Paddyann it is up to your friends dad to make a will leaving it to who he wants to. If he leaves it to his wife and she inherits it is then up to her who she leaves it to.
My father made a will with his partner saying if he died it was to go to her but when they were both dead the house should be sold and divided between all their children. He died and then she sold the house spent most of the money and then changed her will leaving only a small amount to us. We were lucky to get anything.

as they say theres nowt as queer as folk ,my best friends dad married over 28 years ago,he'd been a widower for 12 years ,his boys have always refused to refer to his wife as anything other than my dad swife ,the grandchildren have been brought up to call her by her name or introduce her as grandpa's wife.They seem to have had a good happy marriage though the poor woman would have loved the kids to call her granny as she had no grandchildren of her own.Now that dad is getting on and in bad health the boys ...both nearing 60 are adamant she shouldn't inherit dads house as "their mum had worked hard for it" What on earth would you do to sort them out,I tried telling them he's been married to her longer than he was married to their mum and that she also worked to keep the house but theres no reasoning with them.Ironically one of them has recently divorced and remarried...I wonder if he'll by pass HIS new wife in his will in favour of his child ?

Shouldn't one's loyalty be to the bio children, after all they were on the scene first. I'm the ex-wife and feel very strongly that my children are mine and not the current floosie's. I don't have much to show for 40 years of marriage apart from my children and grandchildren and am absolutely terrified of them prefering her. Lack of self esteem more than anything else. I am the one refusing invitations to weddings etc because of hurting so much over being replaced by a younger model. So it does go both ways.

When I met my DH he already had a baby daughter who was the result of a holiday romance and lived in Norway as her Mum is Norwegian. She was never his girlfriend. When we got engaged, her Mum wouldn't meet me, but she did let us take the baby out in her pushchair when I visited Norway where my husband was working at the time. Later on, when we had got married and our daughter was born, she brought Alexandra over to England to meet her and from then on, we never looked back. When Alexandra was little she used to come over with her Mum and as she grew up she would come on her own. I get on very well with her Mum. We went over for Alexandra's wedding in Denmark, where she now lives and we now have two dear little grandchildren. We had to miss the christening of the first little boy as my husband was right in his busy period at work, but we went over to see him afterwards, with our daughter and we were able to go over for the little girl's baptism. We are like one big happy family and I never feel left-out. Alexandra's Mum got married for the first time when she was over 60 and we get on very well with her husband as well.

Eggybread72 You say only your husband gets an invite to birthdays? Does he go? Surely after 20 odd years, he owes you some loyalty. If that happened to me, I'd expect him to say no, not without my wife.

I'm not a stepmum or stepgran either, so this is just my opinion, that's all. But Zorro, I think your sc and sgc may just see sps and sgps as having a different place in their lives from bio parents/gps. Maybe their mum taught them this or maybe it's just their own pov. It may have nothing to do with you, personally. They may just feel that sps should only be included at major events where there will be a lot of people like weddings. But they may feel that only bios "belong" at smaller events, particularly if there is only room for so many. I'm so sorry, but that might be the case. The best you can do, imo, is accept things as they are and make the best of the time you do get with them.

Eggybread72
I am not a stepmum so do not know what it is like to be left out of family functions.
I would however be very upset,if my husband attended his childrens, not mine, events when he knew I wasn't invited.
But then that's me.

It's fascinating reading all the stories about 'blended' families. But here's the difference , Zorro and I don't have children of our own so it can feel quite lonely joining a family,especially if another 'mum or grandma' aren't needed as they already have their own. There's no bad feeling between my stepdaughter and stepchildren,it's just that I am surplus and my step granddaughter who is just 7 has realised this and started calling me by my christian name instead of nana.

I've been thinking about this all day! How complicated life can get from two people getting together to have a happier life together than separately before.
My husband and I met and married within a very short time which must, in retrospect, have been a shock for everyone. I had been divorced for nerarly 20 years and he had been separated for 2 or 3 years. Between us we had my 2 children, his 3 birth children and his 2 step children! All with a a 20 year age gap from his youngest to my eldest.
My first surprise was when one of his dear sons said how lovely it was that I had joined his family.......up to that point I thought he had joined MY family and it was a real lesson learnt! A few years later my husband was asked to 'give away' his step daughter when she married. I was welcomed but felt awkward when he gave such a glowing recollection of her childhood which I knew so little about and her mother glowed at the happy memories. Honestly I think we both felt sad that we had such lovely but separate families
I dearly love my step children who were all adult when we married but think of them like very special 'nephews and neices', They have their own 'parents' but we are all part of the same 'tribe' and rarely meet the extended families.

I have a step-daughter with 3 children, and have always been called by my christian name by all of them. My DH died about 10 years ago. They lived a long way from us until 2 years ago. Due to various circumstances, we ended up living in the same town as them (myself, DD & DGD). One of the DGC married last year and invited DD & DGD but not me. She apologised because her 'proper' gran was going (who my DH divorced to marry me) so didn't think she would want me there. Next one is getting married this year and has invited DD & DGD to wedding, but me just to evening do. Proper gran will be there as well I presume. Don't know whether to go or not bother.

My H is a step with no children of his own but he is very close to my two children, they send him the fathers day card etc and when my daughter married he was asked to give her away despite her father being at the wedding. I should imagine its easier when the other side has very little contact or interest but I could be wrong. Hope it improves for you.

I am step Mother to 2 boys (20 & 15) and step step Mother to a young woman who is 22 i get on fine with the boys and most years get a card for my Birthday but then Dh doesnt always get a card from them either ! ( depends on their Mums mood) i have tried so hard with my Husbands step daughter but she is just a nightmare ( falls out with her Mum, Dad and everyone else). Every time she causes a argument you wont hear from her until the month before her birthday and then she is on the phone pretending there has been no row. I have 2 sons(28 &25) a Daughter (30) a Granddaughter and step Grandson who all adore my DH and include him in everything and 2 of them say he is more like a Dad than their father. We were both single when we met 8 years ago, i had been divorced for 3 years and DH had been separated for 18 months although his Step Daughter blames me for him divorcing her Mum even though the divorce was on her adultery. You just have to get on with your own life and not expect too much

It all centres around how you became a Step-Mother I think. If the children are still missing their Mother then I think your role is to stand back and wait for them to accept you. You cannot and will not just 'become' their new Mother. They already have a Mother. If she is dead then it should happen fairly slowly but if she is still alive of course they will resent you getting married to their Father.

My niece is in this position. She and her husband had a very traumatic divorce. He kept flying in to drunken rages and frightening everyone. He was actually seeing the woman he is about to marry in secret, and my niece found out from a well meaning friend. The children do not want anything at all to do with the Step-Mother to be. They still have to see their Father though although they don't want to. On the other hand my niece has since met a very loving man whose wife died in childbirth leaving him to look after two little children. The children cannot wait for these two to be married.

That is what I mean by 'it depends on how you became their Step-Mother'.

Don't expect to just slip in to the role, give it some time and do not ask them to call you 'Mum' they will do that if they want to.

I agree with Larrymin47, that stepchildren are often in a difficult position, trying to please everybody, perhaps especially not wanting to hurt their own mother if their father has married again, or their father if their mother has married again. At my grandchildren's parties, both myself and my husband and my children's father are invited. AND at the very start of our relationship, my husband made it absolutely clear that if I was not invited to an event as well as him, then he would not be going. This was his choice, although i sometimes think his family had the impression that i was pressurising him, which I wasn't. Maybe zorro21 your husband could do something similar, if it is not too late. On the other hand, you wouldn't want to feel you were there on sufference. it is indeed a minefield!

Being a Step-Mum/Gran is like walking on eggshells at times. My DH had two teenage DC when we met & I had my DD. I moved into their family home, itself fraught with difficulty as DSD was still at home, small changes were made around the house following discussion between her & myself. A year after my DH's ex re-married we married, 2 years later DSD married. At her wedding I was part of the "line-up" at the Reception (confused many of SiL's family) along with DSD's DM & Step Father. I was always included in all family gatherings.

When 1st Step-Grandson was born DSD asked me what I wanted to be called, I said choice was hers, Nanny I became as is her own DM.

Following my DH's death I have cut all ties with Step-Son (control freak) & his family but am still in contact with DSD & her family, we are separated by 100s of miles so now only phone calls, Birthday & Christmas cards, facebook.

My DD & DH adored each other & she misses him especially now when another DGS is due in May. DGS1 still has lovely memories of Gramps.

LadyGaGa wise words, each family is different, I wish you all the best Zorro21