Age gap marriage

I am in the same position as many on here - 15 yrs younger than my husband and have enjoyed over 21 yrs of his retirement. When he retired I went part-time for a couple of years and then retired myself. We had very different ways of filling our days but always enjoyed getting together after being so busy in the past with family, etc. Unfortunately when he was approaching 81 he began having health problems which has affected his mobility and eyesight. We consider ourselves lucky that we have all these memories to share and although, I, like the OP, I do feel down at times but it passes when I think how fortunate I am still to have him to share them with. As Anya says he has these down times too - mainly because he sees me doing all the things he used to do but I try to do things as unobtrusively as I can and also tell him we are lucky to have worked hard to be able to afford a decorator, window cleaner, etc. I thought some of the posts on here were horrible and wasn't going to continue reading this thread but here I am and heartened by the good responses.

As others have observed, it's the OP's husband's health and personal choices that's the main problem here, not age. There are any number of threads on GN about husbands who are boring, curmudgeonly, lazy, etc but age is not usually mentioned so one can assume that they are roughly the same age.

My best friend was widowed, after 40 very happy years, when her husband who was 25 years older died. Until the last couple of years he was fit, able and running a business.

When we fall for a person we don't ask "whats your age" it just happens.

There was 20 yrs age gap between myself and dh,yes at the time I must admit ill health didn't really come into my mind, but of course it creeps up on so slowly.

We were together for over 40 yrs married for almost 35.

I was 59 when he died at the age of 79 ( I am now 61) and miss him dreadfully.

One cannot suddenly "dispose" of a person just because life/health changes. Thats life as they say you take the good with the bad.

Maybe your dh has depression or maybe he is just tiring (20 yrs is a big gap) think how you may be in 20 yrs time.

Sometimes the grass may seem greener on the other side, but believe me once that person is no longer here, the heartache of not being able to say "hello" "do you fancy a cuppa" etc etc simple pleasures..that seemed meaningless then, become yearnings that you so wish you could just have once again. If faced with a situation I try to look at it from the other way around. Hope you find a solution that suits you both

So agree with you Bikergran.

If I was AliveandKickings' partner I'd start checking the stair rail and employing a food taster. I think he might find himself 'not wanted on voyage'.... where ever it is she's thinking of going.

Now thats just being silly wills. I actually dated a far younger man for a few years and when the issue of babies came up, there was no way I was going to reproduce so I did the right thing and let him go find someone who could. If you're 20 odd years older than someone you must know the day will come and I believe in loving enough to let go actually. Could be because I'm not selfish.

Rather different from leaving your husband just because he's 15 years older than you (which of course he has been ever since you agreed to marry him) but now you're bored...

No it's not. It's not about boredom at all that's a ridiculous thing to say. The age gap widens extensively once older and you know it. If the OP wants to leave him then she has a very good reason to and I'd not judge her unlike a lot of others here.

Of course when he was 61 he had a gorgeous 46 year old to frolic with. Just saying?

Exactly Jayanna. Some people really don't live in the real world. He knew exactly what he was getting into, a young bit of flesh now he's old he should let her be free.

Blimey, what a pair of old cynics you are! Where's the OP supposed to go?
Or perhaps you think she should do a bit of online dating and find someone a bit more suited to her?

Not a cynic Ana, a realist here. People can split up you know and divide these days. Or do they have to just "put up and shut up and get on with their lot"
Not sure what the on-line dating thing has to do with anything though to be fair, not that is showing how cynical you are huh.

now

Sorry, I was being a bit flippant. But he did rather get the best deal, didn't he? I wouldn't have liked to think my sex life was over at 61 - or now for that matter!

Yeah, LTB, how dare he get old?

Bet he wouldn't have married a 75 year old when he was 61 though!

Me neither Jayanna, it's not flippant it's a very real comment. You only live once as far as any of us actually know and to spend the rest of your good years looking after someone who is practically your father in age is not fair nor reasonable. I'd personally look into a care home within the next couple of years for the older spouse.

Would having an understanding and discreet lover be so bad? It wouldn't be taking anything from her OH that he wanted...

Now maybe that is an idea Jayanna. But would the old man go for it. I don't think so due to his type of ilk, taking a younger woman usually depicts a certain vain type of man that doesn't loose his vanity.

We part company on the care home alive and kicking. I would still love and care for him enough to give him what he wanted from the relationship. But v sad to think that OP has to live the life of an elderly person when she is still young and active.

You're right, Jayanna I didn't mean a "care home" What i meant was sheltered accommodation.

I can relate to this. DH is 18 years older than me. We have very little in common and whilst I have lots of hobbies and still work, he is retired has no hobbies, other than TV going up the pub and reading the newspaper. His health for his age is quite good. We exist like flat mates. Itimacy is a distant memory which I miss. He is negative in outlook, which I find draining, very set in his ways, and getting him to do family stuff requires delicate negotiation. Visiting grandchildren seems to upset his well ordered routine. I decided to get on with enjoying my life to the full and whilst I wish he would embrace the years we have left, he won't change his ways.

I do not get, why, on internet forums, people dont just ignore the more way out posts.
We do that with people and comments in real life, so why posters dont do that on a forum, is a bit baffling.

Almost certainly not the age gap - there's 24 years between me and my second husband (he's the younger one) and we have so much in common and enjoy a lot of the same hobbies, as well as separate ones. Perhaps you need to try to find something that interests you both and that you can do together - this might be something you've never considered doing before. What has he always wanted to do? I do hope you find something to share, there's nothing worse than a lonely marriage!!