Moving on

I wonder if it would be helpful to focus on the children? They love both their parents and, even though the marriage is over, will continue to do so. Maybe they need a bit of reassurance too, that even though things have changed again for Mum and Dad with the introduction of a new person in Dad's life, they are still as loved by both as they were before. Mum and Dad are, after all, the Adults in this.

its our grandaughter who is distraught that her dad is getting remarried ,she has been fine about the split,7 years ago when she was 3 and her mum remarrying 5 years ago and gets on well with her stepdad and her dads new partner ( the last of a long line of women) but she's not happy he's getting married again.My daughter says she thinks she'll lose her "place" as there are children who will llive with him full time while he only sees his eldest two every 6 weeks or so ,his choice.I wish people who have kids would think about them FIRST before wrecking their homelives for some woman who'll be gone within weeks .Any advice on how to calm my lovely wee one would be appreciated

patB Maybe your exDIL is scared and really does not know how to cope with her feelings.We all have to grieve after a seperation no matter who initiated it. Maybe your son could write to his ex and reassure her that his daughter will all be the most important person in his life and he wont be putting anyone else first. Maybe you could send her some flowers, your relationship with her is worth nurturing.

The new woman could shower the children with gifts, live in a gold plated mansion and pay for pony lessons, they will still prefer their Mum.
The times when my first husband had a woman in his life after our divorce, were a good thing as far as I was concerned, I always felt he was a bit careless about safety, and a woman, especially if she had her own children, I thought would be more safety aware. I also trusted that he would not be with a woman who wasn't a decent person.
I was never afraid that the children would love her more than me.

Well your son made a choice to move on and so must accept all that comes with that... like he too would feel if she had to move on too... don't get involved-he's a big boy now.

my son has just begun a relationship

This could be the problem PatB. A lot of the separated families I work with have multiple partners one after another which the children find very difficult to deal with. You say that as far as you know, neither your DS or your exDIL have had partners since the split, so this really is the first new significant adult in their lives. Your son may probably have felt the same way if your exDIL had started seeing someone else. CAFCASS are an extremely helpful organisation in these situations and their website is stuffed full of good advice for everyone involved in or with families where parents have separated.

A lot of separated parents have an informal agreement about introducing new partners to their offspring e.g. waiting until it is a really serious relationship, etc. It sounds as though your DGC have already met this new lady in your DS's life. If he had such a good relationship with his ex, it may have been better for him to tell her about his new lady before introducing the children, but we can always be wise after the event.

This is a new situation for all concerned and trying to see it from all angles is the best way forward. Your DS may be excited about this new lady and want to share that with his DC, equally your DGC may also be excited, and talkative, about this new lady in their lives - we've all been through the experience of the 'wonderful new teacher who can do no wrong' and, if this is what your exDIL is having to endure, it would be especially galling in this situation! Meanwhile your exDIL, may be fielding these comments about the wonderful new lady while trying to deal with her worries about the new lady's effect on your DGC.

They are all going to need your support so I wish you good luck as you navigate your course through this situation.

When my daughter ended her relationship with the father of her child she told him that she would never stop him from seeing his son but if he was going to introduce the child to a new partner she wanted to meet the new partner as well. Although they didn't become friends they did get on ok and now that partner is living with the father and they have a child of there own my daughter is reassured knowing who is part caring for her son every other weekend. As my daughter said, I didn't want him so why should I begrudge him finding someone else.

There must have been a good reason for the break-up in the first place. Both parents should be able to talk about this after all the time has lapsed, but if you expected her to feel overjoyed that he has found someone else you were mistaken. It is the thought that his new girlfriend will to some degree take her children away from her which is at the bottom of this. She is scared that they will prefer this new woman in your son's life to her. Only natural I think. However I would try not to be pulled in to the dispute. Give your son support yes, be friends with his new lady, but the children's Mother will always be their Mother so you should not try and criticise her in front of the children or you might find that you will be the one who doesn't get to see them anymore. Be careful.

My soon-to-be-ex SiL is constantly changing arrangements regarding seeing his daughter. It makes me mad because it sometimes means that I don't get to see her (maybe that's why he does it?). But my daughter accommodates him because GD wants to see him. He rarely, if ever, puts GD first, never does anything alone with her though she asks him to. He always brings along new, pregnant, girlfriend. My daughter tries very hard to put GD first in every way. It's a tough situation, as yours is, but the child's needs are paramount.

Courts take the view that it is the best interest of the child to see their parents and not the other way round. A mother cannot stop her children seeing their father unless he is an abusive man. The courts recognise that it is the right of the child and not the other way round.

Moving on is so tricky. If only we could all move on at the same time.

She may feel that your son and new partner will be able to offer the kids much more than she alone can and he can suport her, by discussing how things will work in the future.

I do feel for women whose partner finds someone else and then there are lovely weekends and holidays forr the kids with them and mum doing all the boring stuff during the week and perhaps struggling.

Life is not easy is it. She has allowed your son decent access, this often becomes more of a problem when the kids develop their own lives and have parties and events to go to at the weekends and not so keen on......and if mum is shelling outt for the party presents and trips etc it will make her life tougher.

Best thing is for him to talk to her about how he intends to carry on supporting her and the kids financially and emotionally, maybe she fears they will have more children and hers will be pushed out.

I watch as a couple of my friends, in their 50's have the new partner's kids for weekends, and I truly feel for the mum. New partner has had time to get her home together and her career and can offer higher standard of living and giving at the weekends, while not having incured a single stretch mark or any expense.

It is a hard thing to come to terms with that someone else will be reading your kids a story or tucking them in at night too.

Family breakdown and reconstuction is very hard emotionally on people. Your son seems to have coepd well so far so there is plenty of hope.

Family mediation is better than court if things do go sour or maybe as a preventative if talking isn't easy.

If the ex has been reasonable so far over access, she might have been obnoxious (or hurt/shock) over a new love, but with time she will probably come round. Your DS needs to reassure her that she is No. 1 in the kids lives and that his new love respects that. It is hard as a Mum when you do a lot of the drudgery with your kids and then Dad and co whisk them off for a lovely time. I know there is absolutely no need for it but as a StepMum, I found it helped when I met Mum, I was complimentary about what a wonderful job she had done with her kids and lots of reassurance about her being the Mum, not me.
Good luck.

Women are a bit more emotional then men though tough enough to handle themselves and other in difficult situations. She might not have thought about he moving on or something like that, may be because of which she might have said something to him, remembering the past years and their relationship earlier....

I believe telling the ex about the relationship is not a bad idea. Though he is making his honesty and loyalty from his side to inform her that's kind of okay....

Pat B said he is a worrier, so best to do nothing until there is a problem. If he has the children at weekends their mother is going to miss her free time which must help her. So maybe she will get over it. Don't let's talk about courts etc until there is a problem.

They shouldn't be - but sometimes are - deliberately.

I agree with Starlady, if DS proper visit times are ignored he should go to court.

But "playdates," etc. shouldn't be arranged on the other parent's contact days. Iv never been in this situation, so idk what I would do. But I think if this happened several times, I would go back to court.

Pat, did xdil object to ds' seeing someone or to this specific woman? He may have to keep his new romance separate from the kids for a while till xdil calms down.

But, hopefully, it was just a momentary reaction and all will be ok.

SORRY!!!!!!

Sort about typos ...on phone!!

Courts can rule on access rights ...tgen ofcourse children can be on playdates,visits, unwell, shopping ...wound up against other parent etc etc ...so maybe more courts, more "blocking", more courts and so on ...with the parent child relationship diminishing because of "blocking" ...the courts can technically sort but not always I day to day reality! In these circumstances things are just nit cut and dried, whatever the courts say!

That won't stop her being awkward if she feels like it and it is rare that the other parent would jump straight in and go back to court without giving them the benefit of the doubt for a while and, even then, getting back to court isn't fast.

So, in the meantime, there could be no contact. The theory is good but the actual practicalities are a bit different.

I disagree kittylester "I don't think that, even if he continues to behave impeccably, it is correct to say that the ex dil will not be able to stop contact." Because there is court and given enough time court solves.

I'd love to be able to meet up with her but it's out of the question - she works full time and lives 150 miles away!

Thanks. None of us want to involve the courts unless we have too (the cost for a start!)
Maybe when she's used to the idea it will be OK. My son's "a worrier" anyway