Moving on

I don't have any personal experience of this situation PatB. Maybe her reaction is due to jealousy or the 'I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you' mentality.

You say your son has had regular weekend visits with his children and although his ex may try and make these visits more difficult, she can't stop him from seeing his children. The son of one of my friends found himself in similar position, his ex making his son unavailable for planned visits, but after a few court appearances, she changed her tune.

I hope your son is worrying unnecessarily and that everything will work out.

Can I say, i look at this from a different angle. I brought a long standing marriage to an end but it wasn't something i wanted, i had no choice. Just because it was me that made the decision, doesn't mean that i didn't feel sad, jealous, even hurt, when my former husband moved on.
Could you give her the benefit of the doubt if, so far, she's been reasonable. Perhaps her comments were unnecessary but maybe she now regrets what she said. I know I've certainly said things i wish i hadn't. See if things settle back down

I agree with Smileless2012 "You say your son has had regular weekend visits with his children and although his ex may try and make these visits more difficult, she can't stop him from seeing his children. The son of one of my friends found himself in similar position, his ex making his son unavailable for planned visits, but after a few court appearances, she changed her tune."

Don't worry, she can't stop DSs visits with his children, without provocation. If he continues dutifully paying and keeps up his visit schedule she would have no grounds.

I don't think that, even if he continues to behave impeccably, it is correct to say that the ex dil will not be able to stop contact.

I would just tread carefully and hope things calm down.

What kitty said. As our family know from bitter experience.

Legally she may not be able to stop him seeing his children but there vare many ways to make it well nigh impossible ... and certainly from the experience of a friend of mine, the courts can make some odd decisions ...I agree with what kittylester said ...tread carefully. A further conversation seems sensible ....and maybe you could help with that as you have maintained a relationship with her ...not in any judgemental way but maybe over coffee, asking her gently how she is and how she feels about your son's new relationship ...and take it from there according to her answer. However that suggestion depends entirely on the nature of your relationship with her.

I was in a hurry this morning but would just like to agree with Madgran. And, to reiterate that it is really easy to disrupt a good relationship - Nina has experience of that.

My niece was forced to leave her controlling husband but he got custody of their 8 year old son. My niece, unfairly, paid maintenance without a fight on the basis that, if she was co=operative, her ex would not stop her contact. Sadly, the boy always had something much more pressing to do on her contact days and she has not seen him for 18 months.

I'm not saying the DiL in this case is like that (it sounds entirely different) but it is not true to say that contact cannot be stopped without provocation.

It might be that she's worried the new lady in his life with usurp her. I'm a stepmother and the children also have a stepfather. I know how difficult DH found it when the children talked about the things they did with the stepfather and I have no doubt their mum felt the same way about me. It's important that your DS and DIL remain on friendly terms for the sake of the children. Even though she was 'obnoxious' he needs to try to talk to her again. Much better that they can remain amicable than go through the courts.

Definitely. His father left us when he was 5 and I remarried when he was 8 so he knows what the step-parent problem is. I'm sure he'll try to keep it as friendly as possible with his ex ... I'm still friendly with mine over 30 years on!

Thanks. None of us want to involve the courts unless we have too (the cost for a start!)
Maybe when she's used to the idea it will be OK. My son's "a worrier" anyway

I'd love to be able to meet up with her but it's out of the question - she works full time and lives 150 miles away!

I disagree kittylester "I don't think that, even if he continues to behave impeccably, it is correct to say that the ex dil will not be able to stop contact." Because there is court and given enough time court solves.

That won't stop her being awkward if she feels like it and it is rare that the other parent would jump straight in and go back to court without giving them the benefit of the doubt for a while and, even then, getting back to court isn't fast.

So, in the meantime, there could be no contact. The theory is good but the actual practicalities are a bit different.

Courts can rule on access rights ...tgen ofcourse children can be on playdates,visits, unwell, shopping ...wound up against other parent etc etc ...so maybe more courts, more "blocking", more courts and so on ...with the parent child relationship diminishing because of "blocking" ...the courts can technically sort but not always I day to day reality! In these circumstances things are just nit cut and dried, whatever the courts say!

Sort about typos ...on phone!!

SORRY!!!!!!

But "playdates," etc. shouldn't be arranged on the other parent's contact days. Iv never been in this situation, so idk what I would do. But I think if this happened several times, I would go back to court.

Pat, did xdil object to ds' seeing someone or to this specific woman? He may have to keep his new romance separate from the kids for a while till xdil calms down.

But, hopefully, it was just a momentary reaction and all will be ok.

I agree with Starlady, if DS proper visit times are ignored he should go to court.

They shouldn't be - but sometimes are - deliberately.

Pat B said he is a worrier, so best to do nothing until there is a problem. If he has the children at weekends their mother is going to miss her free time which must help her. So maybe she will get over it. Don't let's talk about courts etc until there is a problem.

I believe telling the ex about the relationship is not a bad idea. Though he is making his honesty and loyalty from his side to inform her that's kind of okay....

Women are a bit more emotional then men though tough enough to handle themselves and other in difficult situations. She might not have thought about he moving on or something like that, may be because of which she might have said something to him, remembering the past years and their relationship earlier....

If the ex has been reasonable so far over access, she might have been obnoxious (or hurt/shock) over a new love, but with time she will probably come round. Your DS needs to reassure her that she is No. 1 in the kids lives and that his new love respects that. It is hard as a Mum when you do a lot of the drudgery with your kids and then Dad and co whisk them off for a lovely time. I know there is absolutely no need for it but as a StepMum, I found it helped when I met Mum, I was complimentary about what a wonderful job she had done with her kids and lots of reassurance about her being the Mum, not me.
Good luck.

Moving on is so tricky. If only we could all move on at the same time.

She may feel that your son and new partner will be able to offer the kids much more than she alone can and he can suport her, by discussing how things will work in the future.

I do feel for women whose partner finds someone else and then there are lovely weekends and holidays forr the kids with them and mum doing all the boring stuff during the week and perhaps struggling.

Life is not easy is it. She has allowed your son decent access, this often becomes more of a problem when the kids develop their own lives and have parties and events to go to at the weekends and not so keen on......and if mum is shelling outt for the party presents and trips etc it will make her life tougher.

Best thing is for him to talk to her about how he intends to carry on supporting her and the kids financially and emotionally, maybe she fears they will have more children and hers will be pushed out.

I watch as a couple of my friends, in their 50's have the new partner's kids for weekends, and I truly feel for the mum. New partner has had time to get her home together and her career and can offer higher standard of living and giving at the weekends, while not having incured a single stretch mark or any expense.

It is a hard thing to come to terms with that someone else will be reading your kids a story or tucking them in at night too.

Family breakdown and reconstuction is very hard emotionally on people. Your son seems to have coepd well so far so there is plenty of hope.

Family mediation is better than court if things do go sour or maybe as a preventative if talking isn't easy.