I dont know what to do

Hi. My father was a functioning alcoholic. My dds father is a drunk and I too had my moments (binge drinking when younger). It definitely sounds like there's potential for serious problems if he's in his 30s and still acting like a teenager. It does seem like she's enabling this behaviour by joining in with his drinking though. She can't take the moral high ground with a glass in her hand even if she isn't getting as sloshed as him. Is she prepared to stop drinking too?
Support her with her choices but I don't think you can get involved op ?

Having lived with a "functioning" alcoholic for twenty years of our 47 years of marriage, I would appeal to your daughter to give the boyfriend an ultimatum . Either give up or split . I wish I had done that years before I did give my DH that choice. We didn't split, but I spent years supporting my DH in and out of rehab - he never stuck it out long enough . Finally a home detox, with me taking a week off work to care for him and intense follow up worked . He remains however a very difficult man and I think if there was a major crisis in our lives he will start all over again , so if I had my life over again would I do the same ? Probably not .

In my opinion, all you can do is listen because it can't be dealt to him, he has to go it alone when ready.

My cousin and husband are like this. They laugh it off as bring sociable, but over the years they've actually turned into functioning alcoholics in that they both hold down good jobs. You can't help someone who's in denial I'm afraid

I do hope SunnySusie returns to read all the great advise she's been given

Possibly not an alcoholic, but certainly a drunk. He's risking his own health and she's risking getting sucked into the same downward spiral. It's certainly not a relationship you would want to bring children onto. How does she see herself in 10 years time?

The hardest thing to come to terms with when you know an alcoholic is the realisation that there is absolutely nothing that you can do.

SunnySusie
People who drink in excess is not because they like the taste, or enjoying themselves with the lads related, but blocks out issues in their life they have no control over or are unhappy about. Sadly partners are usually the last to know as the person with the drink problem is not able to talk about it to those nearest to them.
For a few hours their problems or unhappiness disappears. They sober up then the cycle starts all over again.
What stands out in the conversation with your daughter is the word 'relationship'?,
If the excess is weekend related it could be seen as social drinking, not recommended for health reasons, but if its seven days/nights a week then this person is seriously in need of help.
A chat with a doctor/citizens advice on what path should be taken. Family cannot deal with this by themselves.

Tanith has given sound advice in her post and best sought it before children are involved

I agree with some of the others on this. You cant fix this situation it is indeed your daughter who has to decide what to do. Yes, if she contacts Alcohol Anonymous or similar they will support her from her side of things. It is really up to her. A difficult situation, just listen unless things go to the next level which I really hope that they do not.
All the best, hard situation.

This is very sad. My daughter married an alcoholic -he hid it well-we just thought his behaviour was odd at time. She didn't want her marriage to be a failure so she struggled on in denial for quite a while. Numerous rows, friends deserted her, his family wouldn't help. It all came to a head when she came home to find him comotose on the bed empty bottles everywhere. She finally admitted defeat, threw him out, divorced him and now very happy with new man and family. We could say nothing at the time -we just tried to be supportive - it was all very difficult. He now is with AA and has had numerous rehab sessions. He has no home of his own,can't drive any more,lost his job. She keeps a good relationship with his parents and their son sees his grandparents regularly and when sober his father under supervision. All in all from start to finish the marriage lasted 4 years. She just had to cut the Gordion Knot and i advise your daughter, if all else has failed, to do the same. He would have ruined my daughter's life and i'm so glad she sorted it.

the problem is you cant interfere ,they have to make their own decisions.My late sister was an alcoholic ,her husband was already a heavy drinker when they married age just 20 and nobody could talk her out of the wedding, then she started drinking to "keep him company"we spent their whole married life ,over 30 years worrying about her and her kids ,the kids were put in and out of care several times and although my parents would happily have taken them because my mother had lung problems and Dad had had several heart attacks the social services wouldn't allow it.We tried for decades to make her leave him with no luck.She died after a night out "celebrating" her 50th birthday.What a waste of a life..he lived for a further 15 years until cancer claimed him.She was a fabulous bright ,beautiful and highly intelligent young woman
...she just couldn't see past him and he ruined her life .I wish you all the luck in the world with getting your daughter away before she ruins her life and I understand the sleepless nights and knots of anxiety in your stomach every single day

The kind of drinking described is NOT typical of 30 somethings, or twenty somethings or 40 somethings. It is drinking to excess.

Th question that puzzles me is how on earth he can afford to drink that much. It sounds as if he could be spending £100 or more a week on alcohol. That is a lot of money.

Perhaps, SunnySusie's daughter could approach the problem from a financial point of view. How much he spends on alcohol and what they could afford if he drank less. DH has never been an excessive drinker but I was a bit concerned at one point and I expressed concern about how it was leading to weight gain and affecting his health and that was very effective.

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for 35 years , a serving soldier where drink was the acceptable way to depressurise and deal with the horrors of war. It ruined his life , cost him his wife of 30 years , relationship with his son and ultimately when he got clean and sober because my mother finally left him he killed his self because he couldn't handle the knowledge sober of what he did drunk. You can support your daughter but the onus is on him to understand the impact of his actions - without this it's pointless and painful. I agree that al anon and AA will offer support guidance and hope.

Having previously lived with a functioning alcoholic ( that's what there called if they work still).I would suggest you and your DD contact Anon for information on how to go about this or if your DD doesn't want to you can contact them it's all confidential and non judgemental.Good Luck but just be there to listen when she wants to talk.

As some-one who enjoys a drink I understand what your DD is going through. My late DH was an alcoholic, he did seek help, went to AA, but still always went back to the drink. He also suffered from depression & when in the depths of depression his drinking was worse. He died at 72 from lung cancer not from the alcohol but his body was so weakened he could not be treated.

Please be there to support your DD & encourage her to speak to her GP/seek out groups for families of alcoholics. I'm sorry to say her Partner is heading towards being a full blown alcoholic if he is not already there. If she refused to drive would he get in the car after drinking? I don't drink a lot these days but do enjoy a glass of wine with a meal, occasional cider in the summer so I'm not anti-drink but am aware of the dangers.

No personal experience but friends have had daughters in this situation and although they tried very hard to make the relationships work both have now left their partners and started new lives with small children. Its good your daughter is willing to talk things over with you and I agree you can only listen at present but don't let her waste too many years. She does need to make sure he is aware of her feelings, which I think you say she has, so maybe his answers to her should be her guide.

I agree with radicalnan. Alcohol takes lives eventually. My dad committed suicide under the influence. He gased himself in the hour he left the bar to arriving home in the garage.

Encourage her to spend time with her friends. It may make him notice her distance from him. It may not. I'm a thirty something and my husband is one too, neither of us drink at all. Not even a glass of wine on occasion. Largely due to our fathers having been big time drinkers. We also try to stay out of company that are always drunk. They act rather childish when they've had one too many. If she doesn't have friends (other than the ones she shares with him) then you set up evenings for you and her to go out to little places.

My wonderful neighbour, a loving family man with 4 young children who he adored, was a high funtioning alcoholic for years, then he hit the downward spiral, resulting in the loss of his marriage, and contact with his children because he would be too drunk to take them out or see them. His wife told me one afternoon that he was in hospital and as he had been so lovely as a neighbour, when I had problems, I told her I would visit him.

I was too late. He died a couple of days later.

Drink takes people very quickly at the end. Your daughter can't help him until he sees sense, she can however help herself.

She can make sure she has a life of her own to fall back on, support from family and friends, save a bit of secret money, make herself the focus of her own attentions, get a grab bag ready in case she ever needs to leave in a hurry, check he pays his life insurance.

Addictions are the very devil to deal with. I wish her well but it won't be easy.

I think all you can do personally is be a listening ear for your daughter. Her partner clearly doesn't want to accept he has a drink problem and unless he agrees to seek help she will need a lot of support until she decides what she wants to do in this situation. If there are children involved then that is more of a concern but you don't say that there are. Good advice already given about contacting a support group - they can be really helpful. In the end if he won't seek help it may well come down to your daughter having to leave him - perhaps if she did, even for a short time, it might bring him to his senses.

At least he's not thumping daylights out of her when he's drunk, it could be worse

Suggest she attends an Al-Anon meeting SunnySusie they are the experts in helping and suporting families of alcoholics. She needs expert advice.

Susie Your DD has to start a new life for herself, if she doesn't do it now a decade will have passed and she will still be in the same situation. He is impacting on her life and doesnt give a stuff, he has no respect for her or himself. your DD knows the situation and is not a child. If it was my DD i would tell her that it is ok to leave, that she wont change him and then ask her if she is happy, when she said no i would reply well there you are then,change it if you want or put up with it if wont walk away. Sometimes you have to be blunt.

Some very good advice already but I would urge her to contact Fam- Anon for some support . Alcoholism is very destructive to everyone around it - I speak as the daughter of an alcoholic so have some experience . I also feel for your DDs partner , he is on a slippery slope and someone needs to help him put the brakes on ! He may be aware that he has a problem already but is in denial about his addiction , maybe your DD should refuse to be the driver when they go out and not join him when he is drinking at home ? Also she could speak to her GP about her concerns but mainly get it out into the open with him and not let him brush it off as if it is her problem . All you can do really is be a listening ear for her , suggest Fam Anon , the Gp etc . xx