I dont know what to do

He isn't listening to her is he? He sounds like he's totally in denial that he has a drink problem and to me it sounds like he does. Your daughter has worked that out for herself and she is right to be concerned, I'm sorry but I think the longer she lets it carry on with him not addressing the fact he has a problem the harder its going to get. Maybe he needs a bit of a wake up call, not sure apart from ultimatums how she can go about this but she needs to think carefully whether she wants to stick around if he will not get help or change his behaviour.
I stayed in a marriage 10yrs longer than I should of, my husband was by then a full blown alcoholic and eventually died an early death. All you say about his behaviour I recognise.

I'm sorry if you think I'm OTT but the situation is making your daughter unhappy and needs addressing.

SunnySusie, from what you say it does sound as though he's addicted to the drinking habit. Maybe not to alcholic level yet but he's on the slope and denying it. I personally don't have any experience with what you're dealing with but I work with women who have similiar issues.
I'd get your daughter to discreetly contact AA and get some help and advice for herself for starters.
At some point she will have to confront her partner and then if his drinking is out of control, he's going to have to make a choice. All you can do is be on the sidelines with support. I wouldn't talk to the partner myself, you need to stay a step back. But certainly be there for your daughter. It seems to be very common so you're not alone.

My alcoholic ex still doesn't think he has a problem. He would describe himself as someone who liked a drink or a social drinker. He called me miserable/boring and a host of less polite words because I didn't drink.

Until he accepts he has a problem no one can help him.

You have a difficult line to tread and I do not envy you - whenever an offspring has relationship problems, trying not to be seen to be taking sides or having undue influence is very hard indeed. I know that all you want to do is put things right for your DD.

I agree that a phone call to one of the drink organisations might be useful for her to do. They might be able to give some perspective on whether her worries that he might be alcoholic are well-founded. But even if he does not fall into that category his lifestyle is having a detrimental effect on their life together, so the problem still needs addressing.

I do think that all you can do is be by her side when she needs a listening ear - very hard for you.

She might want to contact the organisation that helps the family of alcoholics. But as another poster has said, he will not seek help unless he acknowledges he has a problem, and the only one who can solve the problem is him. Your daughter can't solve it. Be her support and a listening ear, don't critisise him but always be on her side.

Ilovecheese is right until he admits there is a problem then you can only support your daughter.
I think she needs to be quite firm when telling him of her concerns and perhaps ensuring there are consequences to his actions. I think I would be cutting down on the chauffering and not buying alcohol for home consumption.

I would tell her that her boyfriend is an alcoholic, so she has to decide what her boundaries are. Is she willing to continue to stay in a relationship with him if things don't change? If not, is she willing to demand he get treatment? If he says no, is she willing to leave?

She needs to make this decision for herself. There are lots of books on being in a relationship with an alcoholic that may help her understand the gravity of the situation.

A friends daughter is in this situation, husband drinks to excess, even first thing in the morning, hides bottles round the house yet argues he doesn't have a drink problem. He won't seek help. The daughter is very loyal and stands by him but it is creating havoc . My friend is increasingly desperate as her three small grandcchildren are going to be affected, if not now then very soon.

Your daughter is confiding in you so I think she knows it's a real problem and not just social drinking. Can I suggest she contacts AlAnon who give support and have meetings for the relatives & close friends of alcoholics. The people have been through it themselves and will understand your daughter's predicament. I hope it works out for her - and she is fortunate to have you as a supportive Mum.
Best wishes

You don't mention if they have children, Susie. And does your daughter have good enough relations with her partner's parents to include them in the discussion? The addiction may well be in the family so perhaps his mother has some experience of dealing with it. If not, she will know her son and can perhaps help him to wake up to the situation.

Some very good advice already but I would urge her to contact Fam- Anon for some support . Alcoholism is very destructive to everyone around it - I speak as the daughter of an alcoholic so have some experience . I also feel for your DDs partner , he is on a slippery slope and someone needs to help him put the brakes on ! He may be aware that he has a problem already but is in denial about his addiction , maybe your DD should refuse to be the driver when they go out and not join him when he is drinking at home ? Also she could speak to her GP about her concerns but mainly get it out into the open with him and not let him brush it off as if it is her problem . All you can do really is be a listening ear for her , suggest Fam Anon , the Gp etc . xx

Susie Your DD has to start a new life for herself, if she doesn't do it now a decade will have passed and she will still be in the same situation. He is impacting on her life and doesnt give a stuff, he has no respect for her or himself. your DD knows the situation and is not a child. If it was my DD i would tell her that it is ok to leave, that she wont change him and then ask her if she is happy, when she said no i would reply well there you are then,change it if you want or put up with it if wont walk away. Sometimes you have to be blunt.

Suggest she attends an Al-Anon meeting SunnySusie they are the experts in helping and suporting families of alcoholics. She needs expert advice.

At least he's not thumping daylights out of her when he's drunk, it could be worse

I think all you can do personally is be a listening ear for your daughter. Her partner clearly doesn't want to accept he has a drink problem and unless he agrees to seek help she will need a lot of support until she decides what she wants to do in this situation. If there are children involved then that is more of a concern but you don't say that there are. Good advice already given about contacting a support group - they can be really helpful. In the end if he won't seek help it may well come down to your daughter having to leave him - perhaps if she did, even for a short time, it might bring him to his senses.

My wonderful neighbour, a loving family man with 4 young children who he adored, was a high funtioning alcoholic for years, then he hit the downward spiral, resulting in the loss of his marriage, and contact with his children because he would be too drunk to take them out or see them. His wife told me one afternoon that he was in hospital and as he had been so lovely as a neighbour, when I had problems, I told her I would visit him.

I was too late. He died a couple of days later.

Drink takes people very quickly at the end. Your daughter can't help him until he sees sense, she can however help herself.

She can make sure she has a life of her own to fall back on, support from family and friends, save a bit of secret money, make herself the focus of her own attentions, get a grab bag ready in case she ever needs to leave in a hurry, check he pays his life insurance.

Addictions are the very devil to deal with. I wish her well but it won't be easy.

Encourage her to spend time with her friends. It may make him notice her distance from him. It may not. I'm a thirty something and my husband is one too, neither of us drink at all. Not even a glass of wine on occasion. Largely due to our fathers having been big time drinkers. We also try to stay out of company that are always drunk. They act rather childish when they've had one too many. If she doesn't have friends (other than the ones she shares with him) then you set up evenings for you and her to go out to little places.

I agree with radicalnan. Alcohol takes lives eventually. My dad committed suicide under the influence. He gased himself in the hour he left the bar to arriving home in the garage.

No personal experience but friends have had daughters in this situation and although they tried very hard to make the relationships work both have now left their partners and started new lives with small children. Its good your daughter is willing to talk things over with you and I agree you can only listen at present but don't let her waste too many years. She does need to make sure he is aware of her feelings, which I think you say she has, so maybe his answers to her should be her guide.

As some-one who enjoys a drink I understand what your DD is going through. My late DH was an alcoholic, he did seek help, went to AA, but still always went back to the drink. He also suffered from depression & when in the depths of depression his drinking was worse. He died at 72 from lung cancer not from the alcohol but his body was so weakened he could not be treated.

Please be there to support your DD & encourage her to speak to her GP/seek out groups for families of alcoholics. I'm sorry to say her Partner is heading towards being a full blown alcoholic if he is not already there. If she refused to drive would he get in the car after drinking? I don't drink a lot these days but do enjoy a glass of wine with a meal, occasional cider in the summer so I'm not anti-drink but am aware of the dangers.

Having previously lived with a functioning alcoholic ( that's what there called if they work still).I would suggest you and your DD contact Anon for information on how to go about this or if your DD doesn't want to you can contact them it's all confidential and non judgemental.Good Luck but just be there to listen when she wants to talk.

My father was a high functioning alcoholic for 35 years , a serving soldier where drink was the acceptable way to depressurise and deal with the horrors of war. It ruined his life , cost him his wife of 30 years , relationship with his son and ultimately when he got clean and sober because my mother finally left him he killed his self because he couldn't handle the knowledge sober of what he did drunk. You can support your daughter but the onus is on him to understand the impact of his actions - without this it's pointless and painful. I agree that al anon and AA will offer support guidance and hope.

The kind of drinking described is NOT typical of 30 somethings, or twenty somethings or 40 somethings. It is drinking to excess.

Th question that puzzles me is how on earth he can afford to drink that much. It sounds as if he could be spending £100 or more a week on alcohol. That is a lot of money.

Perhaps, SunnySusie's daughter could approach the problem from a financial point of view. How much he spends on alcohol and what they could afford if he drank less. DH has never been an excessive drinker but I was a bit concerned at one point and I expressed concern about how it was leading to weight gain and affecting his health and that was very effective.

the problem is you cant interfere ,they have to make their own decisions.My late sister was an alcoholic ,her husband was already a heavy drinker when they married age just 20 and nobody could talk her out of the wedding, then she started drinking to "keep him company"we spent their whole married life ,over 30 years worrying about her and her kids ,the kids were put in and out of care several times and although my parents would happily have taken them because my mother had lung problems and Dad had had several heart attacks the social services wouldn't allow it.We tried for decades to make her leave him with no luck.She died after a night out "celebrating" her 50th birthday.What a waste of a life..he lived for a further 15 years until cancer claimed him.She was a fabulous bright ,beautiful and highly intelligent young woman
...she just couldn't see past him and he ruined her life .I wish you all the luck in the world with getting your daughter away before she ruins her life and I understand the sleepless nights and knots of anxiety in your stomach every single day