I dont know what to do

SunnySusie, my heart goes out to you- it's so hard watching the ones you love struggle, especially when they feel helpless.

PLEASE get her (or even you could) to contact AlAnon- my friend said they saved her life. Her husband was an alcoholic and they gave her strategies and encouragement- they do not judge but give much needed support. Please encourage her to at least phone them they are not there for the alcoholic, but families and friends of...

My very best wishes to you both.

BlueBelle to be fair the OP said her daughter enjoys a couple of drinks now and again. And if she has to drive, she likely is not drinking when he is.

I have two three glasses of wine spread over a week with food, that's it. I consider that 'now and again'.

I recognise this. My first husband was exactly the same and died early due to the complications of alcoholism. I divorced him but to this day regret I did not do it sooner.

tanith writes a good post and the OP could do worse than read that herself.

The thing that hit me in the eyes from these post was the OP stating

my daughter wonders if there are issues in their relationship which trigger the behaviour and that makes her feel guilty.

This is absolutely so not true and I hope the daughter is verbalising this as part of reconciling herself to the fact that she needs to walk away from this relationship NOW. I just hope she does not waste years of her life trying to change, negotiate or accept this behaviour. She is worth far more and deserves better. I wish her well.

Joanna you can be an alcoholic and binge drink at weekends many functioning alcoholics don't drink every day

You don't mention if he drinks during the week. If not then he isn't really an alcoholic and there must be something else going on. Is his work particularly stressful? Is he concerned about their relationship (I know that sounds contradictory as his behaviour seems to be damaging it)?
I agree you must continue to support your daughter and stay neutral ie try not to criticise him or you might alienate both of them.

If your daughter has her own circle of friends that is great but if a majority of her social contact is joint friends then it might be a good idea to join a meet-up group. These groups exist all over the country and are for people of all ages. It is amazing how many people move areas mainly due to work and know no one. If you google meet up group and the area she is something should come up. People suggest an outing - maybe to the cinema or a meal or perhaps just a quick coffee somewhere. DD set one up herself when she moved 250 miles away on her own and within a couple of months there were 100 members. She has now needed to move again and has joined another group already going.
I feel for your DD as I had an OH who developed a drink problem. It spoiled my life and those of our DC. I wish her strength whatever she decides to do - I only wish I had left years before.

May I just ask and this really isn't meant to be contentious but you said in your original post "she enjoys a drink or two" is there a chance that your daughter has a drink problem too but just a bit more controlled than himself and they are in a way feeding of each other
Just a thought and not meant to be mean to you

Get out now while she is still young. I wasted 20 years with an abusive alcoholic which has had a lasting effect on my children and me. She will not change him, an addictive personality is always there.

They're incompatible. He is never going to stop doing what he wants and she shouldn't try to make him. I'm sure when she met him he was the same so maybe it's time for her to walk away.

I agree that there is a culture of drinking amongst 30 somethings. A lot of the drinking is because of the way they socialise. They go to places where it is usual to drink and they drink. It is difficult to cut back when your friends and colleagues are drinking. Is there something your DD and her partner enjoy that might offer them an opportunity to socialise away from drink? Sometimes something like that will help with cutting back.

How fortunate that she has no children. She has no reason to blame herself and if she moves on now she will be able to make a decent life for herself, perhaps find someone else and start a family eventually. If she was my daughter I would suggest this to her and say I would support her through the breakup. Then I would back out and let her decide, never bringing the subject up again. Not interfering is not the same as parenting. You can guide her but in the end the decision is her's and either way she is going to need you. I hope she makes the wise move.

I think its a huge problem with 30somethings. The only reason my son as had to limit his drinking is because they are going through IVF treatment. I was out last night for an evening meal in the city and was amazed at the sight of so many 'drunks' females as well as males.

Next time she's out with him and sees a drop out drunk tell her to point out that'll be him in a few years if he doesn't get his act together. Drinking every weekend 'fun' at his age, isn't fun its desperation. Fear of growing into an adult. He needs a wake up call.

Either dd's partner's drinking has increased over the years or it has taken her all these years to recognize/admit there is a problem. It may take her a while longer to accept that she may be better off if she leaves him. Not much you can do, I'm sorry to say, but listen and suggest AlAnon, as others have advised. I'm happy to see you agree with that idea.

Whether she takes the suggestion or not is up to her, of course. She might grab onto it right away or it may take her some time.

I'm afraid I can only echo the advice given by others. DH's problem was only solved by a life changing stroke. Not touched a drop since, but rather too late.
My one caveat is that I found Al Anon pointless. But that could have just been the group I tried. My advice to your daughter SunnySusie would be to leave him while she is young and childfree.

I suggest that she finds her local branch of Alanon. It is an offshoot of AA which supports the families of those with a problem controlling their drinking. The first thing she will learn is that it is not her fault. I wish her all the luck in the world.

A friend of mine caused a car accident and when breathalysed was found to be over the limit. It was about 2pm in the afternoon and even though he hadn't been drinking that day he was found to be over the limit from what he had consumed the night before.

It is likely that your daughter's partner is driving constantly over the limit. If he is involved in a car accident, he could lose his licence and possibly his job and even be put in prison if someone is hurt or even killed. If you or your daughter know he is driving when under the influence it is your duty to report him to protect other members of the public.

I can never understand why people throw away money on getting drunk. If you tot up what he is likely to spend on alcohol in a year, it is probably enough to go on a decent holiday, buy a car or do some house improvements. Your daughter needs to decides what she wants for her life. Is it a constantly drunk dad as an example for any future children and no money to spend on luxuries or being with Mr 'You're just moaning about me just having fun'!

Susie, your daughter has grown up, and her partner has not. I do worry about several of my DILs friends that I have met over the years who are still knocking it back like they did at uni. Some are starting to look rough, both women and men.

She, of course, gave up smoking when deciding to get pregnant and now only drinks wine at weekends. DSS has also stopped mid-week drinking. They are parents now, and before they had DGD, decided what was more important...having happy hours week in and week out or having a family.

As others have said, there may be a void there that is not being filled by the relationship. And he may well be more than a heavy social drinker.

I hope your daughter can find a way forward. It may she will want to do so without him. That might be the catalyst to getting him to sober up.

Oh dear what a situation for your daughter to be in. My very limited understanding is that there are some people who have "addictive" personalities so it is as much a mental health problem as much as anything. If it were my daughter I would (strongly) encourage to talk this over with experts in this field. She then has to have a serious conversation with her partner to ask him to talk to someone or she must be strong enough to leave. If that jolts him to his senses all well and good, if not, she is well out of it.

I know 1st hand how this feels. The bottom line is that any relationship is about 2 people being generally happy. When one is not happy about a major issue and the other is not even acknowledging that unhappiness, then it's heading for crunch time. I wasted 10 years on a husband who denied he had a drink problem, he became insulting and an embarrassment and my love was gradually eroded. I lost count of the " last chances" I gave him. I lost count of his " I'm sorry it wasn't happen again(s)" but eventually I decided that it was not how I wanted to live my life anymore, and I divorced him. He begged for yet another chance but by that time all I felt for him was pity. It is hard for a parent at times to give advice, let your daughter read these responses, then she can make her mind up which path she must take.

Tell her to look at the Bottled Up website. This is for the partners of heavy drinkers/alcoholics. It does cost money to become a member but she can get a lot of information without joining. Benefits of being a member us the discussion forum so she can 'talk' to people in similar situations and get support. There is a workbook that really focuses the mind on the situation and provides a way forward. Primarily though she needs to look after herself - by changing the focus she may be able to see things more clearly and make well thought out decisions as to whether she should stay with him or not.

Hi SS, what a dilemma.
Here's a link to a questionaire your daughter might leave around.
www.agencymeddirectors.wa.gov/Files/aas.pdf
But as others have said, unless he gets to a place where he wants to stop drinking, he wont. They call it "hit a bottom".
Your daughter can seek out Al-Anon on line, or Families Anonymous (but thats more for drugs).
Be there for her. She probably really loves the guy and doesn't know where to go or what to do next.
Hugs to you both.

My brother's wife left him because he was an alcoholic and our parents just didn't believe her. They thought he was a social drinker and she was being unreasonable because they thought he might have BPD. Even after he had to be weaned off his bottle of vodka a day and undergo home rehab on more than one occasion, they still denied it. Even after they found him dead of a drugs overdose which he had moved on to when the alcohol didn't work so well or he couldn't hide so well, they still were in denial. After all, they were only prescription drugs he had bought on the internet so not a real addict! He would often swear he was 'clean' when he wasn't so he was in denial too and most of his family just really hoped he was even though the evidence was plain to see.

If your daughter does the same, in the face of obvious problems, she is not only complicit but heading towards a really difficult future. Somewhere like Al-Anon would help her learn how to see how to help herself avoid this future. She also needs to be aware that if she can get her partner to do something about his drinking, there is a very real possibility that he will relapse without a lot of support from outside agencies. Is that the future she wants?

My mother was an alcoholic, but never really admitted it..........said everyone drank heavily during the war, and it became the norm. I then married an alcoholic, thinking naively (aged21) that I could cure him! Until anyone admits they have a problem with alcohol there is nothing you can do. No point beating yourself up. Tough love is the only thing that works. I wish your daughter all the luck in the world. Xx

Thank you so much for all your comments. It really helps to have views from other people. There are no children involved in this situation and no violence, but of course my daughter wonders if there are issues in their relationship which trigger the behaviour and that makes her feel guilty. I have tried to counteract that view. Thank you for the idea about contacting the various organisations who have experience in this area. I hadnt heard of some of them. I think it would really help her to talk this through with people who know more than me. There is no problem so far as her partner is concerned, its just total denial, but at least I have some ideas to pass on now about what she could do for herself.