How To Heal From Estrangement

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

celebgran, how well are you recovering? Be careful, do all your physio.

Yogagirl yes, reading what you said there, brought a lump to my throat, the tears are there so near.

I agree Smileless & Sparkly Even now, with my GD being 7.5yrs & GS 6.5yrs. I still stop and think what a tragedy, what a waste of all that love we had for each other I've always got a lump in my throat, as if I'm about to cry. If one day we are reunited, I feel I will still feel sorry, for all those lost years that can never be recaptured

I agree Smileless, and it would feel painful beyond bearing I think.

I also think if they come looking for us when they are 25, how sad that will be.

I have told my est sons father that with todays fashion for family history and knowing who you are in terms of parents and grandparents, it will be awful if our DGC have to wait until their 20s to find us, similar to people who have been adopted.

Anyway, onward and forward....

There have been times when I've thought that perhaps when it comes to our GC never knowing them might be better.

For them to come into our lives when we're old and perhaps only have a year or two left would on the one hand be wonderful but on the other, would be a stark reminder of all those years that we never knew them, or them us.

I agree with you both sadly, Luckylegs and Smileless, if enough time has passed by, if we were ever to get a chance, it might not be possible to build a relationship with our estDGC.

All I can do for mine is pray they are safe and have lovely happy adult lives.

Sadly I agree with you Luckylegs which is why, as Sparkly posted there comes a time when you have to accept the estrangement, move on and do all that you can not to allow it to rule or ruin your life.

Are those easy things to do? No, but it can and does happen.

I think the longer it goes on the less chance of ever building a relationship. Too much hurt has occurred. Grandchildren raised with us air brushed out of their lives, goodness knows what stories have been told to cover the fact we are not there. Perhaps when, bright grandchildren becomexafukts, they might question why they have no family members close.

Nina well put as OP and in your other post about working with women and coming across cut off grandparents a lot in your work.

For me its 7 years and I have been through many of the stages. For the sake of my sanity, my other loving relatives and my lovely friends, I have fought hard to be accepting of the estrangement and to move on, to refuse to let it rule or ruin my life.

Just saw your posts, linz and Nan! So deeply sorry about your estrangements. xx

Linz so glad you and dh are healing. I know things may never be exactly as you want, obviously, but I hope they get even easier as time goes on.

Nan, I get that you're "suffering" - I would be, too. Are you sure yours is a "permanent" estrangement though? Could it be ds and dil are just taking a time off from their relationship with you? Maybe they just need some "space" to calm down over whatever is bothering them?

No natter, it's very early days for you. I know it's a bad sign that dil already co her own mum and dad, but please don't give up hope. Things could still turn around for you. If not, I hope your pain eases in time, also, as you expect.

Liz & Nan Just seen your posts, so sorry!

5years for me and I have only just been able to get my mind into a better place, with the help from my nice daughter and baby granddaughter. My ND is hurting too, as she was close to her sister, we were all very close, that's why nasty s.i.l 'cut us out' because he was eaten up with jealousy, his mum too! They are not even related to my precious GD, just stepfamily

I watched that 'Gypsy Kids' last night and the closeness of the Grandmother and her Granddaughter was so touching, just as I would have been with mine

Thanks Smileless2012. It's good to know I'm not alone but very sad to read about all the good mums and dads that have be so hurt by their children's estrangement. I can't believe any of us deserve that treatment. I thought my only child my son was a strong independant young man, but he has changed so much over the past years, under his partner's control. I also feel very sorry for her mum and dad who haven't even seen our shared granddaughters because she cut them of some years ago. Such evil is at work in our lives. Best wishes.

You're right linz and for me, moving forward and living my life was when the healing really began. I'm doing a memory box for our GC. Sadly there'll be very few photo's of us with the eldest and none at all of the youngest.

It takes time to realise that you can have a life without them. Not the one you envisaged it's true but there are still happy times to be had.

Nanyour son sounds like ours. It's hard to believe that someone can have such an influence over them isn't it.

The pain does get easier in time, it's always there I think, lurking just below the surface and rears its ugly head from time to time but at least it's not every minute of every day like it used to be.

Linz17. Just read your post. I'm new too. This is such a good idea. I will start a memory book for my Granddaughters. My son has cut me off now,he is so under the control of his wife. The estrangement is farly new so I'm still suffering, but I am a strong girl so I know the pain will get easier in time. So glad you are getting on with your life. Best wishes.

I am a newbie so forgive me if I get this post wrong!
My H & I are in the same situation as many, our D has cut herself off from us entirely. We looked after our GC daily for three years,(pre school) then that was it! We were 'ghosted' by her & her H. Our GC used to love to come to our home, perhaps jealousy? who knows, but now 3 years along and as Smileless2012 has written so well, we are now well on the road to recovery.
We have also collected a 'memory book' and all the photo's of us & GC have been lodged with the solicitor, when the time comes our GC will know how much we loved & felt. So even if GC cannot remember us the photo's & love are there to remind.
So, live your life and heal, it is the only way forward.

Hi Juney It was good to hear your story and how it ended with a reunion, pop back from time to time and let us know how you are getting on

celebgran - how awful to have to cope with this level of pain on top of the nc. That is a lot for anyone to handle. I hope that you're able to take some comfort from your doctor's confidence and strength from the support from your husband and son.

Goodness - when you said you saw someone who reminded you of your daughter it took me back to the number of times I thought I'd seen my son. That, plus reminders of our DC are everywhere. This is the agony and contributes to what makes it so difficult to move on.

Yogagirl - I think I read the thread you're referring to. If my memory serves me correctly, I think you mentioned the various stages you've gone through and anger is a known 'stage' during that process for many people. Hopefully that too will pass in time.

I'm going to step away from this thread now. When I posted it was with a degree of trepidation. I'm aware how sensitive this subject is and, since I'm no longer in this situation, I worry that I may say the wrong thing.

It's heart warming to see the support GP's going through NC are giving to each other. I wish I'd had that privilege during my time.

Kindest wishes to all and I hope that one day you'll be able to post with good news. ?

Janesworth Owing to there being several threads on the same subject, I've possible mixed them up. I did say on one that with this estrangement hell you go through stages of first disbelieve, then sorrow, then grieving, then anger, not necessarily in that exact order. But I wrote I had, after 4.5yrs reached the anger stage, so when you mentioned anger I thought you were referring to me.

Thanks Juney

Oh bless u Juney not intruding at all i have back problems and my vertebrae dislodged disc so nerve protruding was hoping have injection s but surgeon said they won't last so he will
Operate end July thing can go wrong ie paralysis or incontinencebut I.am.in so much pain and surgeon seems confident.

Its kind of you to.ask.

I saw young slim girl.on flight over and reminded me of my daughter thanks Juney for your lovely post x

celebgran - I do so hope that you are able to hug your daughter again one day. I had given up. Life throws up these strange twists - very hurtful.

Sorry that you're facing an operation. Is it of an unusual nature causing you to worry that it may go wrong? Is it perhaps the aneasthetic which concerns you? Pardon me if I'm intruding.

Juney it's wonderful for u and thanks so much for Shari g such positive end to.heartache

8 years for me and despite all.pain I would give world to hug my daughter again

One day who knows

I an very scared over pending operation in case goes wrong guess making me more emotional.

Thank god I have my son and dear husband and v good friends

Yogagirl - thanks... you do too <smile>. Yes, 9 years was a long time. I've read carefully about your situation and can see that you feel you have no hope. Who knows, maybe one day your DD will leave this man and will return to you. I truly hope so.

Thanks Starlady. Your so right - it was issues on my son's part. Sadly, that didn't stop all the self doubt and self examination during the nc though. These are the things which kept me awake at night. I'm glad those days are over.

Jane I have to agree about anger. It can be very destructive in relationships and can lead to lots of moments of regret. My GP's went through a nasty divorce when I was in my teens. My GM was angry for years. I remember promising myself that whatever happened to me in life that I would never allow myself to go through the agony of bitterness that I saw on my GM's face. I've done my best to adhere to that promise (not always successfully). These endeavours helped somewhat during what we call 'the dark years'.

celebgran no there was no nastiness from him. The pain of the nc was nevertheless unbearable at times. I can relate to your situation however, I didn't have to go through the pain of my son actually saying nasty things. That must hurt to the core.

Fairydoll - the critical posts on here was what prompted me to write about my experience. My hope was to give EGPs a reference point or even comfort to have someone give a hard and fast example of 'no blame'. It saddens me greatly when I see blameless EGPs having to
'fight their corner' - as if the pain of the experience isn't enough to cope with.

Rosyglow - hope you're having a better day today than yesterday. My heart so went out to you.

May I say that I read Jane's message about anger as being pleased for me that I didn't have the 'hell' of anger to deal with rather than a slight on anyone else. Anger at some level is only natural in this situation, especially when you know in your heart that you've done nothing. Thanks (I think?) to watching my own GM, I was spared a large degree of that.

Kindest heartfelt wishes to all EGP - whatever the reason. ?

To clarify. I am not referring to this particular thread,but ANY Estrangement thread.

My point is .....on a political thread you can make points that are diametrically opposed to others' views without causing distress but here, on an estrangement thread, one has to tread cautiously, for obvious reasons.

Anyone visiting this thread from time to time cannot failed to have noticed there can be some very critical posts from non estranged GP's,

The regular posters on here find it cathartic to share their thoughts with others in a similar position. It helps them cope with their pain.