How To Heal From Estrangement

There is already a support thread which has been running a while for those of us who know the pain of estrangement nina1959
I'm not saying you shouldn't start one. Just that you may like to take a look.

Thanks for this,Nina.
Like most of us that find our selves in this awful situation I have days when I cope better than others.
I try to be upbeat and get on with living,then suddenly you feel really down.

Often I do something positive and look at the beauty of life in all it's many ways.

Learning some thing new or meeting with friends for a chat and a giggle.

Today you gave me a pep talk on the other thread and that helped enormously.
It takes one to have a shared experience to understand the emotional journey.

I too don't put myself out on social sites,but need to share and help others to get stronger.
NSx

That all sounds positive NS. We're all stronger together and like you, I find it hard to know others are suffering. It's good to support each other. xxx

Nina A good idea to start this thread! Your post is fascinating ...you clearly have so much knowledge as well as personal experience, and I admire your "recovery" approach. I am not estranged but within my circumstances with my DIL, never say never! I can only hope that the endless effort I put in pays off!

As most of you know, I'm not estranged from my son....thank the Lord. However, knowing I have the most beautiful four year old granddaughter, who hasn't a clue who I am, is just as heartbreaking. I can't get past the unkindness of it all. I choose that word carefully as that's how I truly feel. Sometimes unkindness is worse than absolute out and out cruelty, especially when I know that I was always very kind and loving to my daughter-in-law. Something she acknowledged many times prior to her cutting me off, after the little one arrived. When I was in hospital for over three months with sepsis, then spinal surgery, unable to walk, I see now that the writing was already on the wall, only I was too ill to realise it. She never once came with my son to visit, or sent any message or even a little get well card. Hence the word unkind.

I am truly proud of my son for refusing to allow his wife to come between us, and I have spent many hours assuring him that he is not being weak when he's attacked and then caves in, just for wanting to bring his daughter to see me. I know he still feels tremendous guilt, and truthfully, I don't know where it will all end for them. For now, I have backed right off in the hope that things may improve. Whatever the outcome, I feel lucky that my son loves and respects me, and isn't afraid to show it.

I have written a brief letter for my granddaughter, and left it with my will. No judgements or criticisms, just an outpouring of my love for her....and her daddy, and a sincere wish that she has a wonderful life.

Thanks Madgran. x

Rosyglow, how awful for you. I'm glad your son is still keeping you in the picture. You'd think if your DIL loved him, she would see the pain that's being caused all round. It's hard to understand.
I think it's important not to rely too much on family relationships as much as we may once have hoped we could.
Instead, it's helpful and sustaining to focus our time and thoughts on being independent and connected to other things.
This year, I've randomly picked to learn all about the history of Cornwall starting with the Lost Gardens of Heligan. Last year it was Oxford. It filled my time no end and I made a lot of new friends.
As long as we're thinking forwards, it will help to keep us out of the pain. It doesn't really go, it's no different to a bereavement because it's about loss. But the pain does weaken and fade as long as we have something else to think about.
I'm glad you're able to see your son and your grandaughter. I hope things improve for you x

Thanks nina. Sadly I have had to face the loss of my precious husband, so I can say, for me anyway, estrangement is actually nothing like bereavement. With bereavement, despite how you are left feeling, the beloved person has gone...its over. And if you have been fortunate enough, as I was, to have been with the love of your life, in time all the precious memories take over, and you find a tenuous happiness again. Being estranged however, especially from a child, is ongoing. Knowing that there is a little person of your blood in the world, developing and changing daily, but that unless a miracle happens, you are never going to have the wonderful relationship with them that you dreamed of.

By the way, I think you misread my first post nina in that whilst I do have a close relationship with my son, my daughter-in-law has not allowed me to see my granddaughter for three years. C'est la vie.x.

Rosyglow, sorry to hear about your husband. The loss must make the estrangement so much harder to bear.
All we can do is try and keep functioning but I know finding the motivation can be very hard.
It's very important not to stand still for too long I find. Keeping busy is what keeps the worst of the dark thoughts away.
I understand you completely when you say there is a little person of your blood growing up in this world but it will take a miracle for them to be a part of your world.
I do understand how this feels.

I don't have an answer. I only have coping mechanisms. I have found that being a part of something going on in my own back yard helps kill off the melancholy and that's where I'll be today.

Eventually I hope the law changes re grandchildren and grandparents. One of my friends is an ex head of child protection and she admits that grandparents are one of the worst resource losses ever. Let's just carry on hoping that something changes that allows these children the connection back to their heritage, family and roots one day. x

What a good post Nina, I found after going through all the stages of confusion, self blame and the lonliness of exclusion, a big sense of guilt that somehow I had caused this, if I had done this or that it would not have happened, it came just after my husband dying and the grief was unbearable. I felt a failure and thought other would see that in me. It has taken a very long time to realise there was nothing I could have done, there was a desire to exclude me for whatever reason. I have come through it, although that loss will always be a part of me it doesn't define me. To cut a loving person out of your life is cruel and I could never justify the action. If a parent has been abusive in any way and is a threat that is different. I had to realise that I was the same person as I had been before, to get new interests, concentrate on the other people in my life that were caring and supportive. I was not a failure, it didn't lie with me. I have been lucky enough to find support on Gransnet from others going through this, it has meant such a lot, because at times you feel do lie, you think the unthinkable and you need to get through those feelings. It is very difficult to imagine if you haven't had experience of it, I had never even thought of it until it happened, so how is anyone supposes to cope initially. With time and support there is another, different life, that in happy and meaningful, helped along by those in a similar situation.

When we've done all we can to make amends, how do we recover? It's very hard and the challenge is not to become bitter or depressed
I know these are the main symptoms but it's these we have to overcome

Wise words Nina

I agree, those are wise words. I don't agree that family estrangments are a new or modern phenomenon.

Indeed Bags my mother cut us all off from my father's family when I was 7 and my sister 5. This was in 1954. We moved away deliberately and I never saw my GPS again. She spoke kindly of my grandfather but detested my grandmother, her MiL.

Nina59 Well written article, Thank you

Yes Rosy terrible unkindness, I don't know how your d.i.l could be so, then I don't know my own D could be so unkind either, no reason for it. Thank God for your lovely Son

Good post Luckylegs

Glad you've all found the article useful. I'll come back and post more but I'm flat out working at the moment so I'm a bit short on time.

Having the courage to let go is the really big obstacle. No loving parent wants to let go but we can't live our own lives on hold, or be subjected to being caught up in a cruel situation.
With the support of friends and new interests though, and the motivation to seek out a new way to live, it does get easier.

Thatbags, you're right, estrangement isn't new in itself. But it's far more widespread today and the reasons are far more lightweight.

Back again.

I don't know what makes an AC cut off a good parent to such an extent that there is zero contact. It's almost like a disease that's contagious. I work with women and the sheer number I come into contact with regularly who have either been cut off, are being threatened with it or are being treated with such low regard that it's bordering on the relationship faltering, is staggering.

Money, controlling third parties with agendas and generational resentment along with permission to behave however they want from an over indulged society all seem to be behind the trend of complete desertion of the parent or parents.
It is mostly rooted in selfishness and the desire for total liberation. They see the ageing parent as simply 'not their problem'. If the parent does not contribute, fit into, meet their expectations of a neatly packaged, 'happy' life, they're flicked. In many cases permanently or at least until the parent is totally submissive, has handed over money or given in completely in return for the crumbs of having the parent/child relationship they hoped for.
Feeling lost, hurt, lonely and vulnerable, the parent lives their life in desolation and isolation often in despair and a state of grieving.

OK, the above should sum up the plight of the abandoned parent. If this is you, you are far from alone even if it feels as though it's only happening to you. It's not, it's a selfish trend which does not bode well for the future of the AC.

Nevertheless, it's going to have to be their lesson and wake up call. For now, you have to find coping mechanisms and manage being on the receiving end.

Such is the extent of this issue now that there are articles and information links being written with the aim of helping parents protect themselves from what is now being termed 'elder abuse'. This term includes many behaviours including being ostracised and bullied into giving in on things such as money, ie 'you can see your grandchildren once you hand over the equity in your house'.

I will post again with more info, I have to go to work. But if the above is you, take comfort by knowing you're not alone and that recognising yourself in this situation is the start of gaining some power over how you deal with it.

Thinking of you all. xx

Estrangement issues within families has been going on for generations. It's nothing new. The advancement of technology and being able to use forums such as this and social media has brought it out into the open that's all. I don't agree it's all about financial issues either, individuals estrange / families fall apart for a wide range of reasons not just about money and inheritance.

It's far more widespread today. Are you estranged Emma54?

We hear more about it today from social media like this. Previously we only knew what our family and friends told us, just as we only knew about the abuses, physical, sexual and emotional, that touched our lives and that of our family and those close friends who confided in us.

There are far more parents being cut off today than there has been previously.

This thread is not a debate about the issues surrounding why estrangement happens. It's about helping those affected by it identify what they're caught up in and then develop the means of coping with and living their lives in a meaningful way.
If people want to cut someone off, that's up to them along with their reasons why.

But for those who it hurts, they have to pick up the threads of their lives and carry on.

"This thread is not a debate about the issues surrounding why estrangement happens. It's about helping those affected by it identify what they're caught up in and then develop the means of coping with and living their lives in a meaningful way"

I would ask that posters accept this statement in the spirit nina intends. To jump in with counter opinions - there are other threads for that - just creates unpleasantness. Accept that, for whatever reason, people are suffering the terrible pain and loneliness of estrangement, and often have nowhere else to turn.

We'll just go round them Rosyglow. x

I'm sure you're right Emma and that estrangements within families have been happening for generations. The estrangement, cutting out of a non abusive family member is cruel and wrong. It was cruel and wrong generations ago, it's cruel and wrong now and will be cruel and wrong in the future.

It's taken every ounce of our strength, courage and faith to get us through the last 4.5 years. It was only 5 months ago when we moved, that we saw our first glimpse of the light at the end of this dark and painful tunnel.

Mr. S. and I are lucky that we have one another, some are facing this terrible journey alone. We cannot alter our ES's behaviour, we cannot control it, all we can do is control our responses to it.

We believe in ourselves and one another. We have not, do not and will not accept any responsibility for our estrangement. We don't deserve to be abused in this way and will not allow ourselves to be abused any further.

He does not want us in his or his children's lives so we have literally walked away, it was the only thing we could do to save ourselves. The only thing we do is send birthday and Christmas cards to our GC and are making a memory box so one day our GC will know that we loved them.

There's a well known saying 'if you love someone let them go, if they come back they are yours if they don't, they never were'. Letting go of our ES is the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do but it was only when we did so that we began to heal.