How To Heal From Estrangement

Has anyone made any heated remarks on this thread fairydoll?
I'm not sure what your point is.

You can have a very heated debate on a political forum without feelings getting hurt. It's not possible to do the same on an estrangement thread - for obvious reasons.

Rosyglow is spot on with her comments re sympathy and empathy.

Nina doesn't appear to have been on her thread for some time. I hope she's well, and just very busy...as usual.

yogagirl I'm not estranged from anyone and I post only occasionally on the 'estrangement' threads, in the same way that I post only occasionally on the politics threads.
juney's post touched me and I responded to it. That's all.
It was nothing to do with you, and I've no idea why you think it was.

Thank you eddie, juney and Yogagirl. It's good to have the support of those who are also experiencing this torment. It has always been my firm belief, in all things, that unless we have had the exact same experience, we have no real idea of what another person is feeling. Thus highlighting the difference between sympathy and empathy. I thought, by stepping right back from this awful situation, and making no demands, that I was protecting myself and my son and granddaughter in some small way, from the pain and hurt. Well that was wishful thinking. Simply hearing about the little one starting school has opened up a whole host of "how will I feel when this happens". Add that to the constant worry about how my son is being treated, and I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment.

Janeworth When I said I had reached the anger stage of this estrangement, I should have said; 'quietly angry' When your heart is broken into a thousand pieces there is no energy left for anything other than quietly By the way, what is your story of estrangement? you being a regular poster on the support threads, I don't remember you saying anything about your situation, but maybe way back and I've forgotten.

Rosy that's how I felt when my beloved GD had her first day at school, it broke my heart even more, if that's possible, as it's such a big mile stone, I know she would have been phoning me, as she used to, to tell me all her news. I just see it as all over now, she is 7yrs and GS is 5yrs, those precious years between GM & GC all gone they naturally start moving in other circles, i.e more with friends. For you Rosy

My beautiful GD doesn't have any natural family in her life , aside from her heartless mother [my once beloved D] I just worry about her every day, how she is being treated without the family in her life that loved and protected her. If she had a problem she would have come to me.

'I miss my precious husband's wisdom and strength.'

That is truly heart breaking. I don't know you but I'm so sorry Rosyglow. Sorry to hear your pain over your GC too. Life can be so cruel.

For what it's worth, I'll be thinking of you for the rest of today.

Gosh Rosy - that really is a kick in the teeth. It does sound as if they are trying to move her further away from any influence your son has. She must be a bright little girl - one day she will start to question what is going on.
Sorry I can`t think of anything to say that would help

I feel quite bereft today. Apparently my granddaughter is going to be starting school in September. That's really hit me like a ton of bricks, highlighing how much I have already missed of her little life. The other grandparents are paying for her to attend an exclusive private school, where their language will be the main language, with English being the secondary one. Once again my son is being put in an impossible position. If he objects, the little one could possibly miss out on a great opportunity....and WW3 would re-commence! I can't bear the thought of him going through all that again though. Things have been quieter of late....albeit only because his wife has been getting things her own way. My son travels a lot with his job, so he is able to let that happen when he isn't there. On the other hand, it feels like our family history is being completely airbrushed out, as if none of it happened, and that really upsets both him and me. God knows how this will end. I miss my precious husband's wisdom and strength.

Juney u sound a lovely person yes u can relate to u losing trust only natural it will take time just enjoy each day

You are so right most of us genuinely don't know what we did that was so wrong and not being given any chance to mediate with my ed is worst but in words of song we are trying so hard to let it go

Yes it's hard when ignorant people judge us assuming us to be guilty but that's their problem

Yoga girl none of us know things change in a heartbeat I know birthday s gave been tough for u

When is your next yoga retreat!?
This break on Tenerife is doing us so much good

Juney it wonderful for u but sounds like there was no nastiness on your sons part that's good enjoy the little one

juney I think the other thing about anger, apart from it hurting you, is that if it is expressed, even if it is justified, it can lead to things being said in the heat of the moment which actually make the problem worse and deepen the alienation.
Least said, soonest mended isn't a popular meme these days but it has a lot going for it imho.

Such a heartwarming story, Juney! Thanks for sharing!

It just goes to show that, sometimes, someone goes nc because of issues in their own lives, nothing to do with the other person. Good to know!

Juney Thank you so much for sharing your story with us 9yrs! such a long time! So pleased to hear your happy ending and reconciliation with your DS with a bonus of a nice d.i.l and baby GC too whow!

Unfortunately there is no hope of a reconciliation for me, not until my estD is no longer with her nasty H & his mother

Thank you Jane. I did go through a short period of anger in the early days but resisted the feeling as much as I could. I knew that anger would hurt only me. Anger changed to a deep sadness quite quickly.

I'm glad that you found this heart warming Norah. That was my hope so thank you.

Fairydoll - I hope so too. Some people who haven't experienced estrangement can sometimes be judgemental in my experience. It's an awful feeling when you know within yourself that you really have done nothing at all.

I'd love to be able to say that everything is rosy in the garden. There is always collateral damage though. Mine takes the form of lack of trust. I live in fear that my son may do this again. He knows that I worry about this and promises that it won't. I wish I could be sure but I will take what I'm offered right now and hope for the best.

Again, sending kindest hopes and wishes to everyone going through this.

Indeed a heartwarming story Juney64

Let it bring hope to parents who are currently estranged.

Further, I do hope your story goes some way to proving to the cynics who appear from time to time that estrangement can happen to anyone, often for no discernible reason.

Juney64, heartwarming!

juney I'm so glad for you that your DS re-established contact with you. You always kept the door open for him and what strikes me about your post is the complete absence of anger or bitterness.
I hope you have a wonderful time with them in June.

I've just read all of your posts, very slowly and absorbing every word and my heart is breaking for you. I know only too well the feelings described. I know the sleepless nights only too well and the feelings of hurt and helpless to do anything asking 'why' - over and over.

My son moved to Spain years ago when he was 35. When I dropped him at Gatwick Airport, his words were 'call you later - love you mum'. Nothing - for 9 years.

He was always a 'difficult' child and was given to periods of absence or not getting in touch. I sent him emails regularly for the first year but there was no response. I eventually sent him an email saying that if I didn't hear from him I was going to report him as a missing person. Two days later I received a response saying that he was fine and that he'd met a lovely girl and was happy. I heard nothing more for years, despite sending him occasional emails saying 'thinking of you' and 'please, please get in touch', etc. He didn't respond. 9 years passed. I knew that he was alive and well as he had a friend in the UK who would get in touch with me now and then to let me know that he'd heard from him.

A year and a half ago, my phone rang. It was my son. He told me that he and his GF were expecting a baby. Cutting a long story short, I've been to Spain and met my now 8 month old GS and I'm visiting again in June - at their invitation.

I did ask my son the reason for the NC. There were a few reasons (depression, a period of smoking drugs, moving jobs) but the most notable one was when he said he'd let it go on for too long. He avoided getting in touch as he said he couldn't bear the thought of hearing the pain in my voice. He was also concerned about reproach from his two brothers - which doesn't exist as they're both delighted that he's been in touch.

The main reason I wanted to post this is for the GPs who say they are baffled as to the reason for the NC but feel that other people aren't convinced. I remember well the feeling of 'people must look at me and think - you must have done something'. I really hadn't and my son would be the first one to say so. He knows I come to GN and may well read this. Some DC do go NC through no fault of their parents.

I'm also hopeful that perhaps this post may give someone a little glimmer of hope for the future. I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see or hear from him again and had all the associated feelings that accompany that resolve.

I now have to take my courage in both hands and hit the 'send' button. I'm fearful that I may have spoken out of turn and apologise if I have. Please know that this is sent with heartfelt encouragement and kind wishes to everyone who is going through the darkness of estrangement.

Here goes ...

You're very welcome, Vintage. Hope things go well at that event!

Thank you starlady it is definitely deep rooted with both my children but especially my son. I think he is ready to crack. It breaks my heart that I can not help him. My DIL has always been fine with me as I with her. So I can only assume that my son has stopped her from having contact with me.
In the next few weeks I am going to an event where my DIL will be so it will be interesting to see if she talks to me. Of course I won't wait for her I will speak to her even if the response isn't what I want.
Thank you for your support xx

Thanks for telling us more, Vintage. Glad to hear gd is ok.

So sorry to hear about your troubled history and the way your ex taught your kids to disrespect you. Of course, that's affecting your relationship with ds today. Maybe ds was just stressed because of gd and took it out on you (ugh!). But it sounds as if his attitude is rooted in more than that. My heart goes out to you!

Imo, after their dad kicked them out, ds and dd both should realize who the truly caring parent is. But that may take more time for ds to see. sadly. Hopefully, this time apart is giving him a chance to reflect.

Idk why you can't still see gd since you usually see her when ds isn't there. But we don't know what ds said to her. I hope that he will calm down soon, and that when he does, you will get to see gd again.

My heart goes out to you!

Hi ladies sorry for the delay in my reply to you all. My history is very complex. I had a very unhappy marriage, was physically and mentally abused for 16yrs, but was too terrified to leave. My children at the time were brainwashed by their father to disrespect me from a very young age (4yrs old). Once I finally plucked up the courage to go my children lived half the week with me the rest with their dad. But the brainwashing continued and within twelve months of me leaving he blackmailed them to live permanently with him or he would cut them both out of his life. So at the vulnerable ages of 13 and 11 they left me. I still continued to see both of them but they very rarely stayed overnight. My ex met somebody else, went on to have more children and when my daughter was 19 and my son was 17 he threw them both out. It was almost like out with old in with the new. I wanted them to live with me but they both wanted to live independently with partners so I was there to support them as much as I could. I have always looked out for them both and I'm always there when I'm needed like any mother should be. They have both had a tough time and now don't have a relationship with their dad. Although I have always been there for them and would do anything to help and support them, there has always been a disrespect for me, which I have found difficult at times especially with my son. I hate to admit this but, I'm frightened of his bullying, abusive behaviour towards me. This has got worse since my GD was born. I found that I have been pushed out and my DIL's mother has more access to visits than me. Please don't get me wrong I'm not jealous and do not expect to see my GD every week as I know that my DIL would rather her own Mum to help that is natural. But I was told by my son that I wasn't allowed round at weekend's as it was their family time and my DIL's mum's time. If I wanted to see my GD it would have to be during the week. This upset me because I didn't get to see my son. However, I went along with it and visited every Wed for 7 months my DIL was always welcoming, but I really missed my son. Mothers day came and my son didn't bother to send me a card and yet put on social media photos of a lovely tea party they had had for my DIL's mum. I was devastated! I didn't mind not seeing him as I know it's their family time but I was hurt I didn't get a card. I challenged him and he said sarcastically he would try and remember next year. I then about two weeks later asked if I could see him as I missed him. He just exploded at me and said he didn't want to see me he needed time to cool off all because I challenged him and asked him two weeks prior where my mother's day card was. So I said ok I'd leave him alone that no matter what I will always love him and he is welcome anytime my door is open when he is ready. Since then I have asked my DIL if I could see my GD and her but I have been ignored. Two weeks later I text my DIL to ask if I could buy my GD a slide for her birthday but again I have been ignored. Sorry to ramble on but I needed to explain the circumstances.
It's the worse feeling I just feel so hollow I'm finding it so hard not seeing my family and struggling to deal with the rejection. I know it's very early days but it still is so hard!
I feel so sorry for you ladies who have had no contact for years it's tragic! Smileless thank you for the tips on dealing with panic attacks I will try it. Yogagirl I have today sent my DS a birthday card I'm hoping it's an Olive branch but I don't hold out much hope. Starlady thank you for your kind words about my GD. As far as I know she is reasonably ok may need more surgery in the future. Thank you ladies x

Vintagenanna, I'm sorry. Hopefully soon things will improve.

Vintageanna. I too hope that your GD is OK after her surgery and that they'll at the very least let you know how she's doing.

Panic attacks are horrible, they really are; it is the nature of panic attacks to make us feel like running away. When you're having one if you can, find a comfortable chair, close your eyes and breath deeply, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Your heart rate will begin to slow down and the sense of panic will gradually ease.

There a couple of support threads on the go at the moment where you'll find sympathetic support so please join us if you think it may help.