I thought I'd start this new thread because unfortunately, estrangement is now such a huge part of family life today. I've written articles, I've run groups for bereft parents and I've researched the topic for 5 years.
What I found was that none of us are immune. It can happen to any family and if anyone thought it only happens in families where there has been a history of divorce or abuse, in which case, cutting contact may well be justified, my findings were that estrangement was and is occurring in the most stable nuclear families too.
What's causing it?
There are various reasons but one common thread appears to be that there is usually a third party trying to control the relationship. Money and the unreal expectations on parents today to keep giving were also a common reason.
If you speak to teachers, many will say that today's generation of 30 somethings, had a high level of entitlement along with high level of expectation.
Consequently when reality fails to measure up, they either get very angry or very frustrated and these feelings are often unleashed on the parents with the removal of grandchildren and total cut off.
There are other reasons too but with the exception of a history of abuse, I could find no reason that warranted the total cutting off of a loving parent.
The suffering, pain, loneliness and bereftness inflicted upon these parents has led some of them to be suicidal. I do a voluntary role where I'm in touch with some of them to keep them from harming themselves at times such as Christmas and birthdays.
Read any forum where an AC has posted looking for advice and the popular reply is 'cut them off'! You don't need that c**p in your life'.
How do complete strangers advise another person to end their relationship with their parents?
In this sense, social media is playing it's part in the destruction of family relationships and persecution of the parents.
When we've done all we can to make amends, how do we recover? It's very hard and the challenge is not to become bitter or depressed.
I know these are the main symptoms but it's these we have to overcome.
I believe the parents are mostly not to blame. Estrangement is a current trend born out of a hidden societal sickness today. If we look at the main influences, we can see there's not a lot of caring or giving being shared around. Even the media would rather glorify celebrity lives than post real stories about real and more serious news items.
When I first began researching there was nothing out there online apart from a brick wall of silence and shame. I started my group and a deluge of parents poured out their stories. It grew and kept on growing and now there are many groups and forums all with parents reporting the same issue of being cut off.
With some stories, it was clear that nothing could fix the rift. Begging, pleading, apologising all fell on deaf ears and so parents were enduring years of being snubbed, ignored, left out and treated as though they didn't exist. It was bad enough for two parents but for those parents living on their own, their daily lives were a living nightmare of endless grief.
And so I wrote articles pointing out this evil spreading through our families like a wildfire. Even psychologists now agree there is a problem. This makes a welcome change from blaming the parents. We can't all be that bad that we can all be this wrong. Something else is happening.
And so the main advice was that this trend is going to take a generation to fix, if indeed it can be fixed and that all we can do is to start nurturing and taking care of each other.
And so that's what we did. Myself and others formed a small group and we supported each other through our bleakest of days.
This was the start of picking up the threads of our lives and rebuilding a new start for us.
It was hard at first but with each others support, we all began to move slowly forwards together.
And so I am here to tell you now that there is life after estrangement and that there is light, laughter and grace too.
I'll stop this post here for now because I've got a cup of tea waiting but I hope we can start a thread based on helping each other start moving forwards.
