How To Heal From Estrangement

Starlady I am not being rude or unkind to you, and you do say some supportive & kind things, but you show clearly on this and other threads that you have no understanding of estrangement. Your estranged 'friends' are from another forum, so my question to you is; why are you on here gathering information, asking so many questions of us estranged grandmothers? What is all the gathered information for?

Starlady, no it wasn't the problem. I just couldn't cope with how I was treated, which I don't go into in detail anymore, but I felt I had no alternative, there was no communication, I was made to feel worthless . In hindsight, I know why I couldn't go on, an alternative would have been, absent myself at the first sign of bullying and kept my distance for a few months, then pretend nothing was wrong, we could have gone on for a long time like that and I would have seen my grandchild. What sort of life is that walking on egg shells, when you are not told what is wrong and are treated without love or respect,merlot as if you are just a nuisance.. It's like living with a cheating husband and deciding not to mention it, it's not really do able if you have any feelings.

Not for us Starlady. We just wanted to spend some time with our GS, and not just him but our son and d.i.l. too.

Feeling that you're not spending enough time with your GC and saying so, isn't a reason IMO to cut parents and GP's out so they are never seen nor heard of again; just an excuse.

Was that the problem then, Luckylegs, wanting more time with her?

Is that often the problem, ladies? Gps wanting more time with their ac and gc than they're getting? I know that's what started the issues for one of my egp friends.

Pearlj Have you tried recently dropping your DD a note saying you wondered how she is, you love and miss her and that she will always be more than welcome.
I don't think you are ever the same after estrangement from your child, adult or not. Part of you is missing. I think the longer it goes on the harder it is. People do reconnect after a long time though, perhaps if it happens you will never know why. They hold all the cards.
People do make a good life without their child, but scratch the surface it will still be raw. That is why you almost need to talk to people who have had this blow and help each other along. No one knows how bad it is until it happens to them. Like being widowed. There is life after estrangement, but a different one.
If I had my time back before the cutting off, I should have been happy with the one or two short times we had together a year, even a few hours because at least there would have been done sort of contract.

Pearl, imo, you're very impressive. My heart goes out to you, but it sounds as if you figured things out for yourself in the best possible way. xx

Oh, CrazyH, I feel for you! Hard enough to have this happen with one ds (dear son) and dil! Sadder when it's two! It sounds as if your dils may have been influenced by your ex-h and his new wife. So sorry!

Sorry, too, that your older ds won't get involved. But it must be hard for him since he's not there a lot. If he were, he could arrange some visits, himself, with just you, him and the gc if dil wasn't interested. As it is, when he is home, he probably just wants time with his family to himself. He could lean on dil to do more, but he might not want to start an argument with her, again, since he's away so much. I get that you're disappointed, but it's probably more about the logistics with him than anything else.

Glad you get to see your gd as much as you do! Once a week is quite a bit, so not such a "thin thread" there, imo. Glad you've decided to "hang in there" and just enjoy what you've got. Please be careful not to push for more.

"Fortunately, I'm 73 years old now and I won't have to endure this pain for much longer ."

But I hope you have a long life filled with many happy visits with gd - and maybe your other gc reaching out to you more as they get older and can do so on their own. I also hope you only make comments like this to us and not your dss and dils. We understand you're just expressing your pain. But for them, any hints at your eventual demise might be a turn off and push them further away.

Pearl & crazy for tonight

Our Ed cut us off 5 years ago, no explanation,no fight, no words and still to this day our family and her brother don't understand why. It was the ambiguity,the rejection and absolute grief that consumed me at first and made me very ill. I joined a support group,started a happy/health journal, saw a grief counselor and started exercising. I am of course still sad, as with any loss in life, but my main focus has been to nurture and cherish those in my life that do care and live life to the fullest. On the days I get triggered or hurt I accept it as being a bit of a wobbly and look after myself.

Thankyou Luckylegs and Yogagirl. You're right...I've just to hang in there , even though the thread is so flimsy. I don't sleep well at the best of times and these days it's even worse. Fortunately, I'm 73 years old now and I won't have to endure this pain for much longer .

CrazyH so sorry for your plight. My advise would be the same as I have said above to Sally. Once your 'cut out' you are out for good & forever, so as hard as it is to do, just hang on to the thread you have with your DGD. As Luckylegs has said, the d.i.l see you as a threat, with their C & H, crazy, just like your name on here. I wish you good luck

Wish I had an answer for you Sally and CrazyH, it's a case of dammed if you do and dammed if you dont. I had years of playing the game, but in the end I still lost out. You never get those years back. I really think jealousy of the bond between gc and grandparent is to blame, instead of seeing it as enhancing everyone's lives, they view it as a threat. No one can ever guess just how bad this estrangement is, I am not the same person, how I wish I didn't care.

I am going through hell at the moment - 4 years ago, two d.i.ls entered into my life, within a year of each other and turned it upside down. Things were ok at first...little did I know what was to come. It first started with animosity towards my daughter....the girls did not like her, because she is a bit opinionated and is very forthright. She tends to say exactly what she feels. They had a big fall out but did reconcile and things settled.
Over the last 2 years, the 2 dils became very close and much to my shock and sadness, they have become close with my ex-husbands new wife, who I'm sure is stirring things.
Anyway, to cut a long story, the d.i.ls have now turned against me. The older one in particular, snaps at me at every turn and corner. Everything I say is wrong, to the point where I hardly talk to both of them. The older one has 2 little ones and the younger has one. I hardly see the older two grandchildren. When I complain to my son, who works away a lot, he tells me to sort the visitation with his wife and not to involve him. I feel so let down by him. The younger d.i.l. is more amenable and I see their baby a bit more, once a week perhaps. However, my big problem is that these 2 d.i.ls talk to each other almost, and I wonder my casual comments about the situation are carried . I don't know how to deal with it. I feel so alone....my daughter is no help ...she just tells me to ignore them. My heart aches so much ...I so want to see the little darlings, but I am fed up of begging to see them...it's always "I've got other plans".

Serkeen, I think you have the good outlook to the GC and parents.

aquamarineSally, is it possible that 4 hours is the time the couple have available? They probably want to spend any other time with her themselves to family time?

Sally It's jealousy from your d.i.l for sure, unfortunately your son is backing her not you, at least you get 4hrs, I get zilch. My daughter backed her nasty H in cutting me out; brainwashed into hating her whole family and cutting everyone out! She could have said no', I'll see my mum & sister at theirs but she didn't. If I was in your shoes, knowing what I know now, I would keep as quiet as a mouse, I would tread on eggshells, I would agree with everything they say [but thinking ^that's not right^] just to keep in my beloveds lives. The alternative is a life of grieving for the living!

Also, does "Granny" refer to you or another gp or a ggp? Did anything happen at Granny's house that made ds and dil decide it was off limits? Even something so "small" as "Granny gave gd a forbidden piece of chocolate" might set some parents off.

Sally, I'm not sure what you mean by "submissive." If it's following ds and dil's rules for gd, imo, that's not submissive, it's respecting their wishes for their child. That's a good thing, imo.

But it seems your time with gd has been cut down, anyway. I'm so sorry. You say that's only when you take care of her, so maybe 4 hours a week is all they need now that she's in the private day nursery? Or do they need more but have someone else to watch her other days?

It must hurt terribly not to get to see her on holidays. Are their tensions between you and ds/dil that would account for this? Could it just be that you adults are uncomfortable with each other, and your not seeing gd is a by-product of that? Or maybe they just want her to spend holiday time with relatives she doesn't see regularly?

Sorry for so many questions. Just trying to help you figure this out.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I do not particularly gel too well with one of my DIL's but the way I look at it, harshly maybe, but gets me through and enables me to keep in contact with my GC, is I say to myself she is nothing to me she is not important to me my GC are the important ones and that is why I visit.

My above post should have said feel sorrow not sorry

Morning all, on this foggy morning!

Dear AquaSally I'm afraid my advise to you would be to carry on as you are doing, in order to stay in your GD life, terrible as it is going to be to do this, but the alternative is never seeing your GD again. I haven't seen mine for 5yrs now, my crime was to love my D&GC with all of my heart & soul, which incurred immense jealousy from my beloved GD stepdad & his mother.

Thank you Imperfect 5yrs of daily grieving has impacted greatly on my health. I now have sever vertigo, that I've been told can be brought on by continues stress!

My heart goes out to you, Sally! xx

Can you give us some idea of how you're being "slowly cut out' of ds' (dear son's) and gc's (grandchild's) lives? Are they deliberately asking you to watch gc less often? Or has gc outgrown the need for a carer? Are they cutting back on visits for no apparent reason? Or is it just that gc is getting older and more involved with extracurriculars and activities with friends? I know it's hard to take either way, but please give us a clearer picture.

So much hurt and loss here. Beyond my experience, but I think this thread has brought this sad, sad phenomenon into view for many for the first time. Thank you nina for highlighting this issue and the complexities surrounding it. To all who are aching - well there are no words, but sincerest condolences . It has been heart-wrenching to read of your losses and the ongoing pain you have to brave.

I think it likely that some GCs will search in later years. You are keepers of family history, of memories of their parent's childhoods. I think many will want to know about you in later years and that parents are storing up so many sad troubles not to value you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.