What role for Nana number 2?

The joys of being a grandmother, granny, grandma or in my case Nannie. It's back to the relationship between MiL and DiL. If you get on well with DiL give great thanks and trust that she and your son value your relationship. The baby will make up its own mind in due course just shower it with love and support your family whenever you can. I now have 4 grandsons and another grandson due in May. The daughters both live a long distance away and our son (8 week old baby) and DiL live 20 minutes away. Of course DiL has a wonderful relationship with her mum but as long as you let them know you are 'there' for them they will come to you when they need you. Enjoy the 'gift' that are grandchildren. The cuddles, the look in their eyes the little exciting first smile. You will see them all and not seeing them as regularly will notice the changes. Skype, Facetime (I have a 2 year old grandson who insists on Facetiming Nannie regularly) photos, Facebook Messanger. xx

Ds/dil and the two small dgs live 100 miles away-not too far, but def not close enough to just pop in! They both work full time and sometimes DIL's mum stays for a week to help out. She's divorced and retired so can be more flexible and has also gone up to help in sick child emergencies. She def sees more of the boys than we do but we don't have any real concerns about it. Yes, it would be nice to see them more often, but we FaceTime weekly (when 2 year old presses things and disconnects us!) and try to go and visit for a weekend every 4-6 weeks. We've also been booked in for childcare when there are lots of parents' evenings in one week, or I've hared up for emergency childcare if other Gran can't make it. We're chalk and cheese, other Gran is very fit and outdoorsy and takes the boys on wonderful exploratory walks or to the beach and I'm the slightly loopy one who does all the crafty things or lies on the floor doing voices and creating adventures with toys. I think we complement each other very well and tbh I don't have the energy to chase after a 2 and 3 year old for a week at a time! Don't worry about it too much-natural pattern will emerge and I'm sure you'll have many happy hours with new dgc.

I'm the opposite. DD has a wonderful relationship with her FiL/MiL who are there all the time. We live 5 hours away, so see them occasionally. I regret the situation, but have to make the most of what we actually have. What saddens me is when we see the in-laws [who are very pleasant, BTW], they are always telling us how much they do for the little girls, etc. They live 90 or so minutes away. It breaks my heart, but I have to accept it!
Just be led by your DiL and see how the wind blows - if you are the "other GP" then so be it. Don't allow envy to get in the way, or to spoil relationships.

I am so fortunate in that the 'other' Granny and I made a concerted effort to get together and socialise in order to get to know each other. Our pre-baby contact was for a few hours annually on Christmas Day. One of the joys of my life now is when we have a granny day with the children and no one else. We still have our own monthly lunches and the exchanges can be informative and illuminating but actually more fun than anything else. I would thoroughly recommend this route to anyone.

Just think about the things you do with dd's kids and see if ds and dil are ok with similar (some people don't like skyping or they may not be able to do it as often as dd's family, etc.)

Don't assume other granny will be able to "pop in all the time." Dil may not allow it. Just because they;re " very close" doesn't mean dil wants her mum over every day. Also, her mum may have other commitments she wants to continue, even though she doesn't work. Yes, she will see baby more than you, but not necessarily as much as you think.

Congratulations on this coming grandchild!

LouP, there is no way to edit here, unfortunately.

My DIL is close to her Mum and Dad and my two grandchildren are their world, as they are mine, but what pleases me most is my son as a stable family unit. My ex-husband left when my son was only 5yrs old, they were tough years and I certainly didn't want the same for him. I am happy in the knowledge he as that happy family unit. I have a contented retirement through new hobbies I took up. I know I'm loved but I don't have to be No1.

I remember after my daughter's wedding, her new mil and I were asking what our relationship to each other was called. Quick answer...just give it a year and you're called co-grannies.

There is no competition, unless you create it in your head and drive yourself mad thinking about it. You are the children's granny and they will love you for that. The other granny is different and will do different things with them; you can make your own world with them when you see them. I thought I might feel 'competitive' with the OG when my son's partner had their first, but OG is lovely, we don't compete on any level, and I am just glad that my darling Grandchildren have two nannies to love them.

I thought I was going to be Granny No 2. At first there was a problem re: names. In the end we have settled for Grandma.+..our Christian name. (That suits us fine. They wanted to call me Granny which I hate and her Mum a stupid comic name which I thought was insulting). I thought DIL's mother would be the one to whom they turned for help, but it seems to be the other way round. She is quite content to take a back seat, doesn't volunteer to give any help. She says they are too old to be looking after little children. They visit us whenever and as often as they can. Yet she only lives 20 minutes away and I am 2 hours away. Strange how things work out. I love my Grandchildren to bits. They are both toddlers and quite lively so it is hard work when they come, but if Mum can manage so can I :-). Having retired I was feeling redundant but having little ones around gives you a purpose in life I find. We have all been on holiday together and it was a lovely week I can relive via all the photographs we took.

I am granny #2 with two of my grandchildren and I can't say I regret it. Someone else steps in when DIL is unwell or the kids need picking up from school etc etc. My own daughter is about 2 hours away (assuming totally clear roads) so I can see her with the baby about once a month. I think I will end up being #2 there also as the other grandparents really enjoy zipping around all over the place and seem to be down there regularly even though they have a longer journey. I get the odd pang of jealousy but I quickly rationalise it away by realising how much less responsibility I will have. I am in a position to help them all financially etc so I have a role, and the grandkids seem happy enough to see me when they do, so it's not like I am completely shut out.

Can I give you a grandchild's perspective: When I was growing up my maternal grandmother was always around, she was the only one of my 3 grandparents who wasn't working. I had a wonderful and loving relationship with her. My paternal grandmother didn't stop running her own business until her 80s so I didn't really get to know her until my late teens/early 20s and we then developed an amazing, loving and slightly more grown up relationship.
Both of these wonderful ladies have long since left my life physically, but the emotional legacy they gave me looms large, there is barely a day when I don't think about them.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that being a grandparent is a marathon, not a sprint; it's a team game not an individual sport. You might not get to lead out with the baton with this grandchild, but you may well be the one to bring it home.

I think there advantages to living a distance away. I live close to both my grandsons (both 2) and I adore them but I also work full time and find I can't resist the requests to have them for a night over the weekend or a day at the weekend here and there. It has soon become almost every weekend and I do get quite tired. However, because they are so used to me they try to push the boundaries like my own children did and I have to be firm sometimes. I think if I was a novelty they wouldn't try and do this! and I could just concentrate on being the fun nana I want to be!

I have been in the OP's situation for the last nine years. We live 200 miles way, the other grandmother lives 2 miles away.

To be honest, I have never really given the matter any thought. We see our DGC every six weeks or so, DH is the only DGF, and are just ourselves. Both sides of the family get on really well, we sleep at the 'other gran's' when we visit.

We have different life experiences and a different life style. The children do lots of things with us, that they cannot do with the other grandmas. For example, the other grandma and they are city dwellers, we live in the country and have a large garden. We can play hide and seek in the garden in the dark and go for walks through the woods and up on the downs at twilight. I mention those because DS and family are coming down at the weekend for a week and DGC have already told me how excited they are about having both those treats when they stay.

I had no children from my first marriage. When I met my darling second husband at age 60 his first grandchild was on the way; there are now four and I've known them all since they were born. I love them unconditionally but I accept totally that I am Grandma No. 2 in all cases. As I never expected to be Grandma at all, this is beyond my wildest dreams and I am very happy to do whatever I can, whenever I can. Sometimes distance lends enchantment, and the excitement generated whenever we visit the two who live some way away (or they visit us) is wonderful. The other two live much closer and we see them every week when we meet them from school, deal with tea/piano practice/homework. This relationship is much lower key but just as fulfilling.

I also get on well with both the Uber-Grandmothers and we all have the welfare of our beautiful grandchildren at heart, which I guess is the most important thing.

I'm going through this thought process at the moment as DS and DIL are moving to where her parents live, with their second child due in May. I've found it really hard to come to terms with emotionally. It's one thing to say 'It's not a competition' - and mean it - but another thing to feel that I am not going to be seeing very much of these precious little people!

I had some advice from a friend who lives quite a long way from her grandchildren, and that was to make sure that I plan visits from the start. She said it was hard to feel that she was the 'other' granny.

Of course, life as it goes on brings understanding of other people - I know see exactly why my husband's parents moved to live near us when our children were little! My MIL was always very appreciative of the fact that I 'let' her spend plenty of time with the grandchildren, I can see now how easy it would be to make the paternal grandparents feel second best.

I love the comment about visits to the more distant grandparents being a special occasion, and in general to accept that 'it is what it is'.

I hope you don't mind me saying that I think you are looking at this all wrong Solomanswife1.

There are no grandma 1's and grandma 2's. There are just 2 sets of grandma's/nana's (and possibly grandads) wanting what's best for their little ones. Speaking as the paternal grandma (they are my son's children) I can honestly say that I don't feel that I am treat any different than my DDiL treats her own mother. I tend to do the lions share of babysitting duties anyway.Which suits me just fine. The other "nana" likes her holidays and nights out etc. which me and DH are not in the position to have, so all in all it works out just fine for us.

You're NOT 'the other Gran'. You are a very special part of your GC's life & when they come to visit you it will be special too.
I live further away from my DS's children than my DiL's Mum who is just round the corner from them. When they come to stay with me we do lots of things she doesn't do- cooking, crafting, making science experiments etc (mostly ones that explode!!) & I read to them-we have fun. As they get older they appreciate the fun we have which is a different sort of fun from what they do with other GM. You both have a special role- just a different one & children love that.
My own grandma lived in a house with gardens backing on to ours so I saw her every day & the 'other' Gran lived 2 1/2 hours away so we stayed there when we went & I had so much fun with both of them.
I am now in the sad position of being the only gran to my other son's children & I find that very sad indeed & she loved them just as I do. I often say to their recently departed Gran in my head that I'm doing it for both of us now.

All grans are "the other gran" to the other gran! Worth remembering by those whose noses are out of joint!

I only see my granddaughter on a Sunday, and she has a life with my sons estranged partner and her very close 'other' family. I just try and make every second count. I have no responsibilities like her other Grandma, no babysitting duties, or classes to get to, so I play silly games and devote every moment to playing. I'm exhausted by the end of the day! But these games have become very special to us both, and I know that she will never do the exact same things with her other Grandma. It's hard, but I make the best of it, and my Sundays are precious. I'm sure your new arrival will love you to bits just for being you.

Crafty Cat How lovely you are !!

I live in France and my DiL's parents live quite near my GC in the UK. I am so pleased that my GC are growing up in a close and loving unit with grandparents and cousins living nearby. I think a close relationship with extended family is great and I am happy they have that even though it is not with me.
At the same time it is wonderful that they are always so excited to come and stay with Granny in France! We have a lovely holiday together, full of sunshine and little adventures and mum and dad can go off for a few days to themselves as well so we feel we are offering them a bonus holiday too.
I know a lot of grandparents living over here feel the same.

One little idea ..... I gave my son/DIL a photo of my husband and myself just to leave on a shelf so that they can show us to new GD, when we're on the fone for example.

We try to see them every couple of months. My son is very conscientious about keeping us in the loop with GDs progress. Lots of photos & videos showing her latest tricks, all very sweet.

Congratulations on your new grand child & enjoy the time you spend together ?

I think I would avoid the titles #1 and #2 Grandmother. Little children don't know the difference. My children loved both their grandmothers, it really isn't a competition unless one wants it to be so.

I also think your ds will make the appropriate efforts for his children to be with you as long as you get on well with him. If not strengthen the mum-ds relationship as best you can.

It's obvious that u are very sensitive to the situation and won't dive in head first with advice. I'd send a nice card saying you are so happy you're going to be a granny again. , offering all the help you can give, but say you'll wait till you re asked, as you don't want to interfere or intrude, but hope so much you will be asked! Always phone to ask when you can visit, and give them time to find their feet. Tell them you ll always be there for them, they just need to ask. And hope for the best! It will reassure your daughter in law at a time her hormones are all over the place. I'm sure u will be a lovely granny.

Both myself & other Granny are just called Nanny or Nan. I hate the term Granny 1 & Granny 2, my DH's DM was Nanny 2 to his DC.

I only live 10 miles from my DD & DGS, his other Nanny & Granddad about the same distance away. DGS is always excited when I go to visit or he comes to visit me, that's what being a Grandparent is all about.

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