What role for Nana number 2?

There is so much love to go round, there is no need to have granny 1 and granny 2. Absolutely not a competition, no need to 'carve' anything out .... which does sound a bit violent!

We live about 30 miles away from our grandchildren and see them once a week or so. Their other granny lives about 200 miles away and sees the children for holidays and long weekends. In total, she sees them for much more time than we do. She has told me she is 'jealous' that I see them more often than she does.

I certainly don't recall any of this jealousy with my own family and grandparents. Is this possessiveness a new and unwelcome phenomena?

..... and I can't help feeling envious and am wondering how I can carve out my own role

You're looking for problems and jockeying for position even before the child is born!

No wonder there are so many estrangement threads .... granny ready to take umbrage from the outset.

I think the only advice I can offer is .....be patient! My husband and I were living abroad when our DD and SIL had their first child. It was our third grandchild - our first two were the children of our DS and DIL, but as any mum knows, a DD's pregnancy and first born really brings out our deepest "mamma bear" instincts!

But our SIL's parents lived in the same town - and are delightful caring people that always put family first, so there I was, watching from afar, as DD and SIL received all the love and support they could possibly need from her in-laws during this special time. I tried my best to keep in the action by upping the frequency of skyping, phoning, sending care packages and making extra flying visits home during her pregnancy and then an extended stay when our dear GS was born. But nevertheless no matter what I did, it was a difficult time emotionally that could bring me to tears when I sat quietly and thought through the situation. In my mind I truly believed I was being replaced and losing the connection with my DD!

But - 13 years on - I look back on those sad times that I went through and realize it was a complete waste of time, energy and emotions. If the relationship between a mother and daughter is fundamentally strong and sound, the emotional bond can't be turned on and off like a tap when life throws you a curve!

So if you take a breath and don't react to these crazy thoughts that keep bubbling up in your mind, you will eventually find that - with patience - the relationship with your GC and DD will level out and strengthen in different ways that are healthy, rewarding and meaningful.

DIL told DGS then four that I was visiting three weeks before I was due to arrive. She said she would never tell him so far ahead again. Everyday he kept on about me waiting at the airport and they had to go and get me. One day a week before I was due to arrive he insisted they get in the car and drive there that minute.

Thankfully eight years since they moved away they are now moving closer.

Being blessed with 16 grandchildren I haven't got time to worry about my role. DD's,DIL's,DS's and D SIL know that they only have to ask and we come running

I am currently in Canada, having traveled to be with my daughter following the birth of her new son. I am staying for around six weeks (which is longer than originally arranged because he arrived early). My husband stayed at home and will arrive shortly to stay for a week until we both travel home together. My daughter has said how much she appreciates the support. She and I are relishing the time together. However, I am trying to be very careful in not excluding my son in law who clearly is at work each day. I try to give them space together but she confides he seems not to be so interested in his new son. As grandparents, we tread a fine line, n'est pas?

I always felt like the second granny because everything we did was done as a whole family with MIL always present. She always made me feel second best. Now my son has separated from his wife I see my grandchildren occasionally but that time is quality time with me and them. They still see my DIL mother every day and are very close to her, but as mentioned time with me is not routine and they seem to really enjoy it. I have found my role . I agree with carve out your role and enjoy it . Grandchildren love nanny time whether it's frequent or occasional

It was the opposite for me Inishowen We lived close to our 'English nan' and saw her all the time We only ever saw 'Irish nan' once a year but I have to say we loved her just as much. The relationship was different but the love was just the same Enjoy your new grandchild, Solomanswife1

My GD lives about 10 minutes away and other gran lives just up the road from them. As I work full-time and the other gran does not, my son always makes sure that she sees me on a regular basis and I babysit regularly for them. Other gran is also on hand to babysit and we don't compete for our grandchlds' affections. Of course my DIL will always turn to her own mother when she needs to, but I have a good relationship where I don't interfere, offer advice (unless asked) or advise them what they should be doing. I have 2 other grandchildren who live in Berlin with mum and dad so I see them less frequently but my daughter will always come to me (albeit on Skype) on most occasions as daughters usually do with their mums. My advice would be just "be there for her/them" It will all come together as time goes by and your DIL will appreciate you for what you are.

She will be lucky to get support from any members of family. I did it without any help from older generation. Just enjoy whatever time you have with them. Don't overthink it!

Quite a few people, including riverwalk and shizam make the point that one can overthink this. Why do you need to "carve out a role" at all? Wait to be asked, make it clear you are there to support if asked, be glad for the new parents, but don't worry now about what your "role" wolll be.
This is their baby, not yours and (sorry to say this) but you must vet down the ladder of importance in the family!
I think over eagerness to play an active part in a grandchild's upbringing is a recipe for disaster and we have seen examples on GN of grandparents overstepping the mark, muscling in, interfering, antagonising DIL or SIL, giving unwanted advice and generally not being willing to let go of their adult children or let them assume their role as grown up parents themselves.
I am not suggesting you would fall into any of these traps or that your motives are anything but the best, but it's not about you, or us, it is about the young family.
Do NOT let envy raise its ugly head. You don't live on the doorstep and you say you are still working, so time will be restricted anyway. If you have a good relationship with your DS and DIL the rest will follow naturally. Invite them from the day orbthe weekend, visit, but stay in a hotel if you are staying overnight, give plenty of notice instead of arriving unannounced somtounwon't have false expectations and basically be have to them as a family as you do to them as a couple. Sorry to have gone on so!!

Sorry for typos "Must vet" should be "move down the ladder"

This is what Solomonswife said in her second post on this thread:

"Thank you for all your comments. I don't see it as a competition, as I said, I fully accept that my DIL will turn to her own Mum first, just as my own daughter turned to me. (I should have mentioned that there isn't another Granny on the scene with my daughter's children). I just wondered what things you have brought to the relationship when you're not as physically close as the other grandparent. What have you found to work/been helpful/more fun, when you're more of an occasional visitor as opposed to the grandparent who's able to pop in all the time"

So she would probably appreciate some practical suggestions !

Solomonswife I made some suggestions in my first post on your thread, that have worked well for me

I live in Spain but talk every day to my granddaughter on Skype. Her other grandparents live very close and she sees them about twice a week. I do not think there is a difference on how granddaughter thinks of us. Gets very excited when I visit or they come to see me on an "aeroplane" of course I wish I lived down the road too but life is as it is, I am just grateful she loves us all.

As the OP, THANK YOU Madgran77! I'm not sure why some members assumed I thought it's a competition and when I said "carve out a role" I only mean that we all bring our uniqueness to the relationship and yes, I was asking how those who live further away and are not the maternal grandmother living on the doorstep, manage the distance and the visits.

I'm not looking for problems, I'm not taking umbrage and I'm not getting jealous. Sure I'm a little envious of the MIL who is living close. I'm human.

A big thank you for the support and encouragement and yes, the ideas are great. Especially the practical ones. Thanks for the reminder that in future I can offer a different experience and I should add that we all get on great at present! It's been interesting to see the variety of answers here. May you all enjoy your grandchildren - wherever they are.

Thanks, Solomanswife! Best to you!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Harness the wisdom of your name. Be what you can, when you can.

I was talking to my dd about this recently and about her memories of her gps. We lived close to my ex in laws and saw them regularly (generally weekly), my own parents were a couple of hundred miles away and we saw them 2 or 3 times a year. Her memories of both relationships are filled with love and fun, for me that's the important thing

Do your own thing, would be my advice. We are not all the same people and each granny brings something unique to their grandchildren. Other granny paints and makes cakes, I do craft things and play silly games. DGC love us both and we take pride together in our beautiful GC.

My second GC lives in this country, but many miles away.
I see the family about every 4 to 6 weeks either here or there. My DIL's family live very close to them. I am happy that there is someone close by in case of emergencies, and if it can't be me, well at least it's DIL's lovely family.
What helps me most, and DIL always understands this, is that when we leave them or they leave us, we always have the next visit planned.
The other Granny sees GC 2 or 3 times a week for an hour or so - I see him every 4 or 6 weeks but for hours on end, so not too bad a deal.

The thing to remember is you are there for babies who will grow up to be adults. There is so much time for being a Grandma. It might well be that ss teenagers they appreciate you compared to their parents who get on their nerves. You don't have to live 2 streets away to become close.

Grandma 2 is an important relative and has its own word in German and in my case I get on well with both these women, one is becoming a close friend as we share the love we feel for those two GDs.

Don't start adding up how many hours each of you spend with the Gcs. Children have their own priorities. My GCs are now not so keen to come as they are now teenagers and then my cat which they loved to bits has died.

I have found that I enjoy my life and am content to know they are well and happy and doing well at school and I look after them when their parents have a break away somewhere.

MargaretX Relationships are different because the people can't be compared one to another. Keeping count would be maddening, hours with one GP or to the other would never be correct.

GPs are not in competition.

I meant to say: I agree MargaretX.