Best friend's widower's new partner

If I were the new woman I would not want to stay with anyone I didn't know anyway. I agree that at least a meal together sounds sensible first, and less of a strain. If they don't live near enough, a good old Premier Inn or a B and B could be an option.

They are actually coming for a specific event - a festival to which we are all going. I'm sure it will all be fine - it is only a little niggle in the back of my mind about how my friend would feel. Having lost my two closest friends, my husband and my brother in the space of three years I sometimes feel I have more in common with the dead than the living! (That is a joke by the way, but with an element of truth) All my closest confidantes have gone. My sister in law told me when she was 95 that she found life very lonely because despite family and friends there was no one left who shared her memories, so I suppose that is part of it. I'm very lucky to have a very close family network but never a day goes past when something doesn't make me think 'I must just tell....whoops, no I can't'

Sorry - we have friends who met each other two years after both were widowed. We had known him for years and we welcomed her into our house on their third date. Twelve years on they are very happily married and have thanked us for our understanding and staying friends with them . What are people supposed to do when they are widowed? Lock themselves in a cupboard? Life is for living.

I agree with Rigby46 - be happy for your friend and welcome his new partner. Im sure she is more nervous than you. Hopefully she'll be a new friend but if you dont hit it off you dont needed to do it
again. We also have a widowed friend who was very lonely snd bereft after his wife died. He has now met a lovely woman who we get on very well with. She is very sensitive about the fact that she's replacing a dearly loved wife and she is often mentioned in conversation without any awkwardness. So i wouldnt worry about feeling disloyal!

Meet up half way if your friend lives a long way from you. A meal together to get to know each other and set some common ground is just right. See how you all gel before talk of staying over. That would suit me but I am a more reserved type and making conversation all evening and then first thing in the morning wouldn't suit me.

I have been in a similar position with a dear friend after her divorce she met a lovely chap and we had them to stay, it wasn't straight forward as the two men have completely different interests but they stayed two nights, we planned a day out and meal out one evening and before we knew it they were on their way. Another friend lost his wife, another good friend of mine, about 18 months ago and has now met someone else, I have been trying to work out myself how I get through the first meeting, I guess we have to deal with this more and more as we age. It is a compliment that they feel they can bring their new partners to meet us, we take our cue from them as to whether previous partners are mentioned.

I understand your feelings of loyalty to your dead friend, but she is dead. She no longer knows anything about anything. Everything is "until death us do part". None of us,; the widower or the best friend can live their lives according to the supposed wishes of someone who is gone. Maybe you will like the new person - an opportunity to make a new friend - or not!

I am always interested in posts on here as we see how people think about things differently, which is why this can be so helpful.
I personally would have no problem in accommodating someone who was a friend / companion of another friend, and indeed would expect to put them up.
The issue about 'betrayal' is difficult, if you know how your friend would have felt (good for you for keeping her as a friend if she was that jealous!). In similar situations I find myself saying that I will keep both feelings in my mind: so I would say 'I am glad that X has found someone to share his life with AND I know that my friend would have struggled with that'

I would also suggest that you find out about how she likes to spend her time and have a few outings / walks etc. either planned, or at least in the back of your mind.

Has he mentioned what the sleeping arrangements would be? You had better ask to save any embarassment!

I can't believe some of the replies on here. It's 3 years since she died, the new partner wasn't the OW, it's a wonderful compliment that he wants her to meet you- he must be serious. We have been in this situation - my dh's best friend died and about 3 years later his widow rang up to ask if she could bring someone to meet us. We danced round the kitchen with sheer joy at the thought that she had met someone special. Plan some nice things to do - go out for a meal one of the evenings. If for any reason his late wife comes up in the conversation, just deal with it naturally. We were lucky with our friend's new partner because within an hour of meeting us he said very thoughtfully 'It must have been very hard for you when X died - I know you were all close' .

We have empty bedrooms as we're old and our children have flown. No different really than having any guests, you do know him and get on well. Give it a go, a little like the first you have a sil or dil over. It could be a wonderful adventure.

I feel sorry for the new lady in your friend's life. She must be very anxious about meeting you,and it is hard to step into a set up where everyone but you has known each other for many years and has a shared history. I have a friend who has made a very happy second marriage to a widower, but in secret she has said to me that she is very aware that she is only there, with him, because his wife died. So, my advice for what it is worth is to be the kind and thoughful friend that you are, make them welcome for just a short stay, be flattered that he wants to share his happiness and make his new partner welcome, take them out and about. You may develop a new friendship!

It is sad that your friend was a "very jealous person"; but life moves on and she is in no position to feel jealous now - and it is not your job to take on this unhealthy emotion on her behalf.

If you are good friend with her OH, then be happy for him and welcome this new lady. If you find she is not your kind of person there is no reason why you should invite her again.

Do you live in a "holiday" centred place? If so, it may be a cheap holiday he's looking for. However, whatever his reasoning, it would be wrong to expect you to accommodate someone you have never even met. You may hate each other on sight! Nothing to do with your friendship with his wife. No, be firm, suggest lunch or dinner if they decide to find a nice hotel or B&B nearby. Best to start as you mean to go on.

Why can't they stay in a hotel?

I think it's an imposition for him to introduce his new love and immediately stay overnight at your home, particularly as his late wife was your best friend.

I hope you like the new lady, I'm sure you will.

Those thoughts of "betrayal" are only thoughts and you can think another way if you really want to. Personally, I find it rather selfish that anybody would resent the the thought of their spouse's future happiness if they are no longer able to provide that companionship because they are dead. No doubt your friend's jealousy impacted on her husband when she was alive, it would be a shame if it continued after she had gone to meet her maker. Life moves on, if this new woman wasn't with your male friend when you met her and liked her, you'd feel good because you had a new friend...and that's how you should feel now. The problem comes if you dislike her intensely and never want to see her again!

Oh, sorry, X posts, I see they live too far away to meet for lunch.

Well, I hope it all goes well and, if not, you can make excuses another time.
I'm sure it will be fine.

No, you won't be betraying your friend and, although you may like this new person, she will probably not become your best friend.
Just meet up for a meal and see how it goes. It may seem strange at first but life does go on.

If it turns out to be awkward then at least she isn't staying at your house.

Thank you all for the comments - I'm rally delighted for him, after three years he deserves to meet someone and another chance of happiness. I think the real problem is that I would feel guilty if she became a friend. My friend who died was a very jealous person and I know that she (very unreasonably) would hate the thought of her husband being with someone else. If I meet this person and like her (as I probably will) part of me will feel as if I am betraying my fried. He was a big link with her and we talk about her a lot. They are only coming for a couple of nights and they live too far away for us to meet for lunch and I'm sure it will be fine.

Golly I see both sides but generally agree with a lunch and such first . Good luck whatever xx

Morghew i see your point and i would feel the same but maybe you could chat to this lady on the phone between now and the visit so she doesnt feel like a stranger. I bet she feels 10 times more apprehensive than you do, after all you have many years shared history with this Gentleman. You would not be disrespecting your lovely friend who has now died in fact you may just be about to find a new one.

Yes I agree with mumofmadboys, three years have elapsed and your friend is ready to move on so you can be happy for him.
Keep the first visit short, a meal and overnight stay then go from there. I am sure his new partner wil be apprehensive as well.

It is a compliment to you that your friend wants you to meet his new partner. I personally would try and be as warm as possible and invite them either for a meal or an overnight stay. You obviously know him well having lived together in times past. Hope it goes well.

morghew says in her OP that she's not sure how she feels about meeting this new person. I was responding to that comment ...

I agree with the majority of posters ....... three years is not too quick for him to make a new relationship good for him BUT staying as your guest is not such a good idea you may like her, you may not, you may be indifferent but it's a bit presumptuous of him to make the expectations that because it's rosy for him it will be for everyone
I think you should tell him that if he's coming up your way you d love to meet him and the new lady for lunch but aren't able to offer accommodation this time. Men aren't always as fine tuned as women and he will be seeing it through different eyes
Don't go against your comfort zone or it will be a disaster