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Best friend's widower's new partner

(63 Posts)
Morghew70 Tue 18-Apr-17 17:41:29

My best friend died three years ago and her widower has now met someone. He would like to bring her to stay with me this summer. I am very pleased that he has met someone and is happy but am not at all sure how I feel about meeting this new person. I'm sure she is very nice, but she's not my friend and whilst I share many memories with the widower (we all lived together for five years)and we have spent a lot of time during the last three years laughing and joking while remembering happy times, I'm not at all sure what we would talk about.

annsixty Tue 18-Apr-17 18:43:12

One of my dear friends died 20+ years ago and when her H eventually remarried, his wife wouldn't meet us,
I think she was worried about our reaction. We were actually dismayed as was our male friend, so you really should be very happy that she wants to meet you and so does he.
When our friend died his wife rang to tell me as she knew how close we all had been.
Since then we have rung and e-mailed each other a couple of times a year although we have never met.
It still strikes me as a rather strange affair.

Morghew70 Tue 18-Apr-17 18:59:36

I'm not sure she wants to meet me, he has just suggested that he might like to bring her to stay. I am happy for them both, but it just feels a bit weird.

Luckygirl Tue 18-Apr-17 19:01:53

Welcome her with a positive mindset - it is lovely that he wants to bring her to see you.

Riverwalk Tue 18-Apr-17 19:21:38

I see no problem in meeting his new partner, but why do they need to stay with you? I would just meet for lunch to get to know her.

rosesarered Tue 18-Apr-17 19:48:39

I think that staying with you is a bit much....for all concerned.Go out for a meal together.

norose4 Tue 18-Apr-17 20:15:46

You don't say how long they would be staying , if it's just one or two nights that shouldn't be too bad, and would give you chance to see if you would get on together , then you would be better prepared should he suggest it again in the future

Jalima1108 Tue 18-Apr-17 20:40:44

Suggest you meet them for a meal somewhere first and get to know her. Can you meet somewhere halfway if they live a distance away?
You may be surprised, you could get on really well with her.

mcem Tue 18-Apr-17 21:24:13

Yes, staying with you, even just overnight, seems too much too soon. A meal at a half-way point is a very sensible suggestion.

aggie Tue 18-Apr-17 22:00:40

Men don't get their brain in gear ! meeting the lady for a meal would be a better option

Grannyknot Tue 18-Apr-17 22:02:59

This man (your friend) has been a widower for three years. Life is for the living. I'd extend a warm welcome.

flowers

aggie Tue 18-Apr-17 22:07:36

Of course it is for the living , but I wouldn't fancy a stranger staying in my house, all the OP has in common with the Man is his deceased Wife

Starlady Wed 19-Apr-17 02:04:37

Imo, you need to meet a few times before there's any talk of anyone staying with anybody. And if they do stay over at any time, it needs to be a short visit. Just don't invite them to stay, right now, and if friend's widower asks make your excuses. Or, if you feel comfortable, let him know you want to take time to get to know his new lady first.

He needs to be realistic, imo. This isn't the same as when you all lived together, etc. There's a new person involved and time is needed to nurture a new relationship (if that's what everybody wants). He needs to think of her, too. Most likely, an extended visit with her new man's deceased wife's friends would be very uncomfortable for her. "Forcing" a relationship isn't going to work for anyone - don't let him try it.

BlueBelle Wed 19-Apr-17 06:53:39

I agree with the majority of posters ....... three years is not too quick for him to make a new relationship good for him BUT staying as your guest is not such a good idea you may like her, you may not, you may be indifferent but it's a bit presumptuous of him to make the expectations that because it's rosy for him it will be for everyone
I think you should tell him that if he's coming up your way you d love to meet him and the new lady for lunch but aren't able to offer accommodation this time. Men aren't always as fine tuned as women and he will be seeing it through different eyes
Don't go against your comfort zone or it will be a disaster

Grannyknot Wed 19-Apr-17 07:42:30

morghew says in her OP that she's not sure how she feels about meeting this new person. I was responding to that comment ...

mumofmadboys Wed 19-Apr-17 07:51:22

It is a compliment to you that your friend wants you to meet his new partner. I personally would try and be as warm as possible and invite them either for a meal or an overnight stay. You obviously know him well having lived together in times past. Hope it goes well.

Christinefrance Wed 19-Apr-17 07:59:41

Yes I agree with mumofmadboys, three years have elapsed and your friend is ready to move on so you can be happy for him.
Keep the first visit short, a meal and overnight stay then go from there. I am sure his new partner wil be apprehensive as well.

grannypiper Wed 19-Apr-17 09:05:00

Morghew i see your point and i would feel the same but maybe you could chat to this lady on the phone between now and the visit so she doesnt feel like a stranger. I bet she feels 10 times more apprehensive than you do, after all you have many years shared history with this Gentleman. You would not be disrespecting your lovely friend who has now died in fact you may just be about to find a new one.flowers

grannylyn65 Wed 19-Apr-17 09:28:06

Golly I see both sides but generally agree with a lunch and such first . Good luck whatever xx

Morghew70 Wed 19-Apr-17 09:47:14

Thank you all for the comments - I'm rally delighted for him, after three years he deserves to meet someone and another chance of happiness. I think the real problem is that I would feel guilty if she became a friend. My friend who died was a very jealous person and I know that she (very unreasonably) would hate the thought of her husband being with someone else. If I meet this person and like her (as I probably will) part of me will feel as if I am betraying my fried. He was a big link with her and we talk about her a lot. They are only coming for a couple of nights and they live too far away for us to meet for lunch and I'm sure it will be fine.

Jalima1108 Wed 19-Apr-17 09:53:12

No, you won't be betraying your friend and, although you may like this new person, she will probably not become your best friend.
Just meet up for a meal and see how it goes. It may seem strange at first but life does go on.

If it turns out to be awkward then at least she isn't staying at your house.

Jalima1108 Wed 19-Apr-17 09:55:41

Oh, sorry, X posts, I see they live too far away to meet for lunch.

Well, I hope it all goes well and, if not, you can make excuses another time.
I'm sure it will be fine.

icanhandthemback Wed 19-Apr-17 10:08:37

Those thoughts of "betrayal" are only thoughts and you can think another way if you really want to. Personally, I find it rather selfish that anybody would resent the the thought of their spouse's future happiness if they are no longer able to provide that companionship because they are dead. No doubt your friend's jealousy impacted on her husband when she was alive, it would be a shame if it continued after she had gone to meet her maker. Life moves on, if this new woman wasn't with your male friend when you met her and liked her, you'd feel good because you had a new friend...and that's how you should feel now. The problem comes if you dislike her intensely and never want to see her again! grin

Riverwalk Wed 19-Apr-17 10:28:58

Why can't they stay in a hotel?

I think it's an imposition for him to introduce his new love and immediately stay overnight at your home, particularly as his late wife was your best friend.

I hope you like the new lady, I'm sure you will.

Roseyglow Thu 20-Apr-17 17:11:43

Do you live in a "holiday" centred place? If so, it may be a cheap holiday he's looking for. However, whatever his reasoning, it would be wrong to expect you to accommodate someone you have never even met. You may hate each other on sight! Nothing to do with your friendship with his wife. No, be firm, suggest lunch or dinner if they decide to find a nice hotel or B&B nearby. Best to start as you mean to go on.

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