Best friend's widower's new partner

From experience, I have to say I think men can be extraordinarily dense over the more delicate points of relationships. Seems to me that because he himself feels fine about staying with you, someone he already knows well, you and the new woman should feel equally OK with it. I can almost hear the breezy, 'Oh, stop worrying, it'll be fine...'.
If I were the OW, I would feel constrained to point out to him that however HE feels, it's early days and a hotel or B&B is the way to go this time.
I can't help wondering whether money is also a factor. Could it be that he's short, or just tight? Heaven knows it's not uncommon.

I agree, staying at someone's home for a first meeting is a bit much. Just suggest meeting for coffee, lunch or dinner.

I think I see two issues here: The first is having someone you don't know staying at your house. The second is the perceived betrayal of your dear departed friend.

I'll wager the second issue is probably the one that weighs on you the most, because I can relate. My own mother remarried four years after my father died and even though I was by then a married adult, I don't think I ever got past that. It bothers me even today and they're all dead.

When you speak to him, whatever you do, don't use the word 'betrayal' or that you feel you are betraying your friend. He could feel disapproval of his new relationship and you will alienate your valued friendship.

So have an honest conversation and be sure to let him know that you are very happy for him. Ask him politely if he doesn't agree that you all should get acquainted first before putting HER on the spot making her stay with people she doesn't know (and has he even told this woman that you were his dead wife's best friend?!) Let him know you look forward to meeting her and follow your comments with suggestions on where to meet. You could also arrange for an outing or some shared activity that everyone can enjoy in order to get to know her better.

I am very glad that as the second wife of a widower his friends and relations were wonderfully welcoming and friendly to me. One couple, who had been his close friends, did cut him off for a while which he found very hurtful. When I did eventually meet them they were perfectly pleasant and now that the wife is a widow she keeps in touch quite closely. (And tells me that she would like a new partner!)

I think going to a festival together sounds like a great idea, as you'll have plenty to talk about.

You may have lots in common but you won't know if you don't try

Everyone is a stranger at first! I imagine your friend is capable of making a good decision about his ladyfriend...? I doubt he'd pick someone you won't 'get on with'... I think (as others have said) that it's a compliment to you that he wants to bring her. Just enjoy it - it's not forever, just a couple of days!!!! She might be absolutely lovely. (And don't worry at all about being 'disloyal' to his first wife as (unfortunately) she's no longer here! Hope this doesn't sound harsh, not meant to!!

I think the real problem is that I would feel guilty if she became a friend. My friend who died was a very jealous person and I know that she (very unreasonably) would hate the thought of her husband being with someone else.

but it sounds like her widower is also your friend?
For me I would prioritise not actually upsetting a real alive friend over feeling guilt about hypothetical upset a dead person would feel if they weren't dead IYKWIM

Let your friends husband have a quality of life again. No one will forget his wife especially him. Life goes on.

Be magnanimous and open minded and welcome her. She will be feeling far more nervous that you are. Your late friend's jealousy was her problem, not yours. Go and enjoy the festival and assume you will have a lovely time and enjoy her company. If he is such a long standing friend you must surely trust his judgement not to turn up with some harridan!

Feeling diffident about having a 'stranger in your home' is a bit precious.

My mother's best friend died, our two families were very friendly and when her DH married again some years later we all took his new wife into the fold. this couple and my parents remained friends until they all eventually died.

I have been at two weddings where the wife has died and the husband married again - happily - but at these two ceremonies the late wives' daughters put on a lacrimose show and fled. I could have smacked their bottoms. Very sad that they lost their mothers, and a bit of a facer to go to their fathers' weddings, but it was some years after the deaths of their mothers and they were grown ups. I really did feel they could have been more considerate for their fathers.

Please extend a hand of friendship and let them stay. When my husband died years ago I lost, who I thought was, a good friend when I met someone else. She made it clear that she disapproved as she and her husband were friends with us both and would not meet my new partner. It is so sad as I really valued her thoughts previously. Give her a chance and welcome them both to stay, you have nothing to lose.

Gosh VIOLETTE what a saga! I also married a widower of 6 years after a 'whirlwind' romance as I was visiting from the US and literally bumped into him here.

Morghew70 The friends and family were worried at our haste, but 25 years later (this year!!) we just keep on keeping on. But every one was very polite and welcoming in the beginning for HIS sake since they did not know me which was fair enough. Friendships are grown, not installed, so don't feel you have to rush accepting her as you do your widower friend. Just let things take their course and be welcoming for his sake.

Are you sure you're not just a little bit jealous and worried that this new lady might upset the friendly relationship you have with the widower?

Ha ha ! have to laugh at this dilemma (maybe I shouldn't !) but in my case I met my now husband after he had been a widower for, also, three years ! Not only that but he had built himself a villa in Spain where he had a lot of friends .......He 'sent' me down to Charlton to meet his sister and his dear old mum before I met him (long story !) ....they were lovely but very oddly they asked me if I knew him that well (?) (I didn't since I hadn't even met him face to face at that point (only speaking on the phone !) ......I then flew to Spain where we promptly got engaged ...he had arranged a party with all his friends ,,,,,again they were all lovely and accepting of me ....told me about the 'others' who had been out to meet him ...and again, asked me if I knew him that well ..... I met his friend's widow (the friend being the reason he had decided to move to Spain ...best mates since forever and work colleagues) ...she was lovely and really pleased for him (she had been a friend of his late wife most of her life ...having lived in a flat above theirs when they were first married in 1956 ....but again that question ....how well do you know him (?) ...then I met his daughter who flew out for a holiday and so I asked her if she had any objections to my marrying her dad as, I said he told me they had a wonderful marriage ....at which point she burst out laughing and said 'Did he tell you that ?' ....and explained about how their relationship was ...so much so that she had to move out and get her own flat !!!

Of course I didn't believe any of them .......after all, I had known him for three months and they had all only known him for 68 years (apart from obviously, his daughter, who had only know him for 38 years !!!....I found out why after a few months ....but hey, life is short and we have to make the most of what it throws at us ....so be happy for your friend hope the woman knows him better than I did my husband ,,,,,,,she may well be apprehensive about meeting you as you were close friends of his late wife, so be kind ! ask him if you can, about sleeping arrangements .....a friend and her 'friend' came to stay with us en route to visit his daughter in the Dordogne .....although we have 3 bedrooms, one is my office and is not going to change for anybody, so they slept in the same room which has two single beds ,,,take it or leave it ! We hadn't met him before but he was lovely ! a retired GP she had known from years ago and whom she re met when he was a widower and she retired back home to the UK after a career in Australia ....he was 90 (and drove all the way down here from the Isle of Wight) and she was then 77 ) sadly he passed away a couple of years ago so now she lives on her own in a retirement flat (now 81) ......

I would not hesitate to talk to him about his late wife in front of his new friend ,,I have photos of my husband's late wife in our house ...and why not ? They were married for 42 years and she is not going to object !people ask me why I have a photo of her ...but I say why not ? (I don't have any photos of my ex ...but then he walked out for the barmaid so it; different !)

We had a great time now having been married for 16 years ...still friends with his friends and a few old friends of mine have been to stay with us (mainly in Spain, where we had a lovely villa with a pool so they ostensibly came to see me but I feel probably more for a holiday !!!! but why not !)

You will only find out if you get on when you meet ...be accepting of her and you may find another true friend..she will never replace your dear friend of many years but she will always have a place in your heart and your memories ! Don't worry ...be happy ! [hugs]

Should have read your last post before! They're coming to a special event near you so it probably just seems the natural thing to stay with you. But I still have reservations especially as you're on your own. You seem so nice and wanting to be friends and for everything to go well. I really hope it does and you have a lovely time and make a lovely new friend - you deserve it!

Stop fussing and inventing obstacles. Cope. There's no way you can reject this woman without upsetting your friend.

How about meeting half way and everyone staying overnight in a travel lodge hotel if finances come into it, or a nice spa hotel if they don't?

"The sleeping arrangements" made me laugh, but not in a good way. It might shock you but old people have sex, and shock horror some of them aren't married.
I hope that was a joke, but I've a feeling it wasn't.

Many great suggestions here. The ones I've picked out are "life is for the living" & "till death us do part"
I think they sum the situation up. You were a loyal and supportive friend during her life, and he was the same as a husband, but that period of your lives is over. Three years seems a long enough time to mourn the loss. He's about to start a new phase and so are you.
I'm imagining his thoughts about you....a lovely loyal friend who he shared many happy relaxing times with. Having lived with you for a long period, he must have got to know you very well, and therefore feels totally relaxed about staying with you.. He must feel blessed to have found another person to share his life and now hopes you will welcome her into your life too.
If you lived nearer there would probably be better alternatives but the distance narrows down the possibilities.
I would take it as a compliment, fling the welcome mat down and go for it. Whatever transpires, they live far enough away if you don't care to repeat the experience. On the other hand, if you like the new friend and get on well, there could be a lovely new period ahead in your life. At least you'll know that you made an effort and were the kindest, most welcoming friend.

It is only 3 years!! That is a very long time by yourself! He needs to enjoy the rest of his life. I'm sure that's what his wife would want for him. If I died I would love my DH to meet someone else and have some fun and enjoy life.Come on!

Oh for goodness sake .....welcome her with open arms and enjoy yourself.....have a gin and tonic before they arrive..... 3 years is long enough for a man to be on his own poor chap.

Just tell him you are not ready to meet her yet. It is only 3 years since your friend died. I think he is expecting too much. My SIL died and her husband moved a woman in after only one year. His children refused to meet her so she moved out. A bit too soon I think to expect to accept someone else, who I don't doubt is very nice, but you are still feeling sad about the loss of your friend.

Why isn't he inviting you to stay with them first? If HE was the one who was your best friend the situation would be different but it wasn't; it was his first wife who held the friendship of your two families together.

Although you, of course, want him to be happy he,in effect, is trying to bring a replacement friend for you as he must hope you'll all continue to be happy in each other company. I would suggest meeting on neutral ground for the first meeting and then see how you feel about them both staying with you another time if you get on well. She may be lovely and someone that you could be really friendly with, only time can tell that.

Jealousy wasn't you friends best characteristic and maybe at times it might have made things difficult for her husband and friends. So I think you can put that aside and concentrate on your friends best characteristics and let those influence you from the grave.

As people tend to choose someone like their old partner lets hope this one isn't jealous.

The sleeping arrangements need clarifying as another post said.

If they offered to stay in a hotel they might think that would offend you especially as you are all going to the same festival.

I agree with the others who say meet up first. Halfway? A night at a hotel halfway? She might welcome this more than staying with you, it won't be easy for her either. You'll probably get on really well, you sound like a lovely person and want to do your best to be friends with this lady.