HELP... am I over-reacting?

Is it possible to over react in this situation?

See a good divorce lawyer PDQ (and check any joint assets have not been cleaned out)

Do it now.

Shit! No, you are not being unreasonable. If he loves you, then he should have some idea of how this is hurting and confusing you. Unless you want to share his affection, if that really exists, then get out. In my opinion, losing him will ultimately be less painful than "keeping" him". Or, if you really want to deal with this, let him know that you have found a [younger] lover but "you will always come back to him". Sauce for the goose…

I endorse the advice given above. I know shared history going over 40 years is a powerful incentive to stay together, as are financial implications. However your trust has gone and things will never be the same again. He is treating you so badly on many levels. You are certainly not overreacting.

He may of course be the victim of the usual type of online romantic scam, in which case, be doubly sure your assets are protected.
Legal advice is essential.

He has broken his marriage vows. Do your DC know? Would it help you if it was more out in the open with the family? You shouldn't be carrying this burden by yourself.

Definitely not over reacting. As said previously check what's happening to the bank accounts. If he hasn't already, it won't be long before he's helping to fund her.

It's strange that she's in China. Is he one of many stupid, older men that she meets on line and sleeps with on the odd occasion they visit her? Sounds like a con relationship to me.

Once you've locked down the money, (you could demand that all accounts are dual signature then he can't get at the money without your agreement), take time to think about what you want to do. Do you want to leave? Where would you live? How would you manage financially? You don't need to rush into anything. If you do decide to leave get everything sorted in advance.

You are not overreacting, this is totally unacceptable. He wants the best of both worlds, you at home and a young lover. If he really won't give her up then the only choices you have are to either put up with it or throw him out and change the locks (make sure you secure any assets first - move any money from a joint account into your sole name) consult a solicitor. This may just make him wake up to the fact you are not someone he wants to lose, if it doesn't then you will be better off without him.

Alll he wants is to bring a little bit of hope and tenderness into her life.

Isn't he the compassionate one!

He has said he won't give her up, so it's up to you as to whether you're prepared to put up with it for much longer. You've known for over a year - have you taken any legal steps to protect your future. I hate to say this but he probably won't give her up.

I've told this story before as this issue comes up periodically on GN. A friend of a friend who lives in Oz found out that her husband of many decades has long had a woman in a SE Asian country where he goes regularly for business. She found out when the other woman, out of the blue, phoned and told her!

This all happened a few years ago and is still going on - husband still regularly see OW and wife just buries her head in the sand and pretends all is well.

Not over-reacting at all. What was he doing on "WeChat" in the first place?

Don't get sad, get mad. That way you'll get some spark of assertiveness back in you and possibly feel like less of an emotional wreck.

Are you in the UK and awake at that hour (3.53), or are you somewhere else in the world?

and a virtual hug for you.

Ah, just realised from your username you're probably in New Zealand.

Ask him how he would feel if you went out and got yourself a lover as well? What's good for the gander! He is being totally selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. Tell him to stop or you will leave him.

Definitely not an over reaction on your part Kiwichick. Your husband has clearly gone looking for extra marital adventure its not something which just happened. I agree 40 years of marriage is a big part of your life but there will be other parts of life to enjoy.
It's hard to face a more independent life if you opt to leave but you will be so much happier than being with someone who clearly does not value you.
Talk to your family about it, don't protect him by keeping silent and decide how you want to proceed when things have calmed down.
I lived alone for 10 years after I left my husband and I learned so much about myself in that time not least that I could be independent and enjoy my own company.
I wish you well in the future.

Sorry for mentioning any STDs that he may have if this woman is a con I hope not an inappropriate remark as no offence intended....

Kiwichick He is having a belated mid life crisis, he thinks he is a young stud which is easy to do o line when in fact he is being used by a younger woman no doubt for money.
What on earth do his adult children think of this ? please do say you have told them ? Dont try and hide this silly old fools behaviour, you need support.
Empty the bank account and leave him too it, he is using you as a doormat and you are supposed to be so grateful that the old fool comes back to you ! oh arent you the chosen one !
Stop burying your head in the sand admit this hurts like hell and is unacceptable, never mind the " oh but we have shared over 40 years and i dont want to throw it all away" He couldnt care less about the last 40 years.
Of course you may decide to be so thankful and grateful that such a big man throws you a few crumbs now and then, if thats the case stay and endure if not, chuck him out. But Dont hide his behaviour, you cant carry this on your own and why should you even try.
Show the silly old sod the replys that are on here and dont forget that other woman him is using him for money, why else would a young woman want an OLD MAN

Her child must have seen them in bed because he told his mother that DH is married and if she sleeps with him she is a bad woman
Don't get it, why would he even tell you that! think he is having an old age crisis, looking to feel young again.

I'm so sorry you are going through this,you are not over reacting. What a selfish man to expect you to put up with this.

You need to get advice on protecting your finances.
Don't feel bad about telling others what he's doing, you need support.

No fool like an old fool! Silly man. I agree with other posters. Get legal advice, protect your assets, definitely get yourself checked out health wise. Do it right now!!!

Kiwichick that's a really, really sad situation. You are not over reacting. I had something a bit similar happen 20 years ago, it was a mess and eventually my OH stayed with me but it has cast a long shadow over our relationship. It was a bitter learning experience.

With hindsight, I should have insisted on an immediate and clear physical separation (thrown him out!) and made it clear that he needed to make his choices and stand by them. My OH was being rather stupid and not thinking about the hurt he was causing, he was flattered by the woman in question and imagined himself as a knight to the rescue. Of course you are a train wreck but some separation will give you the chance to recover a bit of balance and space for yourself. I hope you have some support from friends or family? Give yourself permission to be angry, rage even. And absolutely, as others have said, get your assets/bank account frozen or protected.

So sorry for you. It's just horrible when these situations happen.

Absolutely agree with everything everyone has said so far.

Am I being cynical when I wonder to how many more men she has said He is her confidante she can tell him things she can never tell anyone else, that she has never known tenderness until he gave her a hug the first time they met

I mean they are each presumably only in China very occasionally. She could have a whole fleet of these money-shedding moony manikins trotting behind her on her leash. Each seen in turn.

So many Western men seem to indulge in this habit!

I'm reminded of Mark Tully ('devout Christian') former BBC correspondent in India - a man with a foot, and a wife in two continents.

Talk about having your cake, etc.

I'm guessing you haven't told anyone in real life yet? That would make it more real, and you'd maybe feel then that you had to take action. You must feel very hurt, especially as he's had the nerve to tell you that "he adores" her!

I expect from her point of view it's all about the money, and he may well be one of several at least. No fool like an old fool is very true.

You have put up with this for a year and I imagine it has destroyed your peace of mind and made you feel quite ill. Could you imagine splitting up and living alone? Could you make a new life for yourself?

Or would you rather just accept it and keep quiet? I think every time he goes away now, you will be imagining the worst, horrible for you.

I feel he is getting away with it at present, if none of your family know. If he isn't prepared to stop, I think the family and your children (if any) should know what he's doing.You need support.

I also agree with everyone about seeking legal advice, asap. Good luck.

Oh, Kiwi, my heart goes out to you! What a painful situation for you!

If anything, I think you are UNDER reacting. Why do you even listen to all his "reasons" and "excuses?" He''s cheating on you and refuses to stop. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and you're letting him! Why are you putting up with it?

I agree with pps that he's probably being an "old fool" and this women is probably a con artist. But that doesn't protect your health or your money. I agree with all the advice about checking out your health and your finances, etc. If I were you, Id be seeking a divorce.

A lady I know had a similar situation. Her husband had a younger Thai lady he saw when he was on business in Thailand.
This went on for 3 or 4 years before his retirement. She put up with it thinking it would stop when he retired. Wrong , he moved to Thailand ! Left her financially in a mess.
Even if you don't want to end your marriage over this don't assume that he won't.
Get your finances in order now. Protect yourself.
Oh..and tell your children. Her adult children were furious she had kept it from them.

Putting it bluntly, get rid! How dare he treat you with such disrespect. Get your financial situation sorted and tell him it's over. If he wants to be with the other woman, let him get on with it and you can move on and enjoy your life.

So sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, it's rife.