Celibate marriage

My thoughts immediately. He may have decided he is gay.

He may have discovered at the festival that he is Gay?

Bluebell I'm 100% behind you, it's so easy to look for other things to blame, whilst all the time evading what's staring you in the face.

Apart from the sex, it doesn't appear you are in a happy marriage. For all sorts of reasons the sex can stop later in life, but if you really loved each other, the friendship and your joint lives would compensate and you would make adjustments. You have to ask yourself, to you want to live alone and make a life for yourself? . What would make you happier. As a widow, who had a wonderful marriage, it is hard being alone, however I know I would never be able to find the happiness I had when I was married, so I have made a life. Be job east with yourself, if you would miss him, then stay together and make the best of it, if it makes you feel sad and worthless then living alone might be the better option. Good luck.

Oh nanabird, I do feel for you. It's pretty obvious you are the stronger partner though, so you will get through this, whichever way you choose to go.
I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say, but I can't help wondering if hubbie had some kind of traumatic sexual encounter at that festival. It may have put him off sex altogether? I mean, like his "innocence" was shattered somehow.
You said something about a bereavement - who did he lose?
No one can make decisions for you, but to me, love means being for someone even if they aren't prepared to give you what you need. It is easier to live without sex at our age (unless on HRT!) and you can be physically affectionate and intimate without full sex. Would you be prepared to do that for him? That may be what he needs at the moment - love despite no sex. Maybe at some stage in the future it will get more fulfilling.
Basically, he sounds totally traumatised and I think you need to decide if you could stick with him through that or not. Unlike the others, I don't think he has fallen out of love with you - it doesn't sound like it from what you said.
That doesn't take away from your own trauma, which in many ways is worse because you don't know what it's about, whereas he does. He may not be able to talk about it for quite a while. When a person has a totally awful experience,they can't even think about it themselves, let alone talk about it. I think that may be what you are up against. Can you put up with just loving him even though you don't know what it's about and he can't talk about it? Can you be a healing force in his life at this time and leave what you used to have behind, for the sake of love? If you decide you can, I would tell him what you have decided, saying you won't try and make him talk but you hope he will at some future time, but that you love him anyway.
I don't think spending more money would do anything, by the way. Make sure you have friends or family who are supportive and give you some input during a time when he can't give you that.
Goodness and blessings to you.

Oh my goodness you poor woman....surely it would be best to get to the bottom of this? Sit down and have a truthful conversation with him? At least you would know the truth and can make an informed decision regarding the rest of your life?

Beautiful post, Spot, imo! But one sticking point - he continued having sex with nanabird during the time they were arguing about whether or not to divorce (or did I read that wrong?). It seems he stopped having sex with her after he backed down and agreed to stay with her.

Oh, it just occurred to me, maybe it's a kind of "trade off" he made in his mind - ok, I'll stay but I won't be intimate with her? Idk. No one can know, I guess, until she has that talk with him that she says she will.

Nanabird, I hope you talk it out soon and let us know what he says. Then perhaps we can be more helpful.

MawBroon, radicalnan was unkind, but then I sometimes think you are also on the unkind spectrum.

Now I didn't see that coming.
Care to expand your unsubstantiated personally insulting your observation?

radicalnan sometimes I think you can be a little blunt. However, this time I think you made some reasonable, and not too harsh, comments. Not that I expect you to be concerned what I think ?. You made some valid observations!

Whew! Join the "unkind club" *Teddy123

oh dear! I don't wanna be a meany!
It takes a lot of nerve to put one's head above the parapet!

I am on the other side of this. I fell out of love with my husband many years before I told him. I got on with the marriage because of the children. When I told him I want a divorce, he went into a downward spiral. I sent divorce papers which he ignored. He Lost lots of weight and he sometimes was aggressive. So he emotionally blackmailed me and I stayed but I don't fancy him and we sleep in separate rooms. We rub along together somehow but I am not happy. I have known him most my life and can't leave him on his own. I wish he would let me go. Perhaps you need to give him that option.

You have not said what DH does at these festivals. Depending on what he does he could have been involved in something quite horrible. I dont remember what year it was but I had someone working at a festival. I saw the news with full coverage of what happened. I was terrified but those working there must have had a more horrible experience. I have had relatives working at many festivals and other events and I do think they see more nasty things at these places.
DH could be traumatised and very scared and this could account for some of this situation. He might be of the stiff upper lip brigade and not be able or willing to discuss it.
The festival I am talking about was at a place starting with D.
I hope you will have a good chat with DH but I also think if there is no progess you have to think through if this is a satisfactory way for you to live your life.
SPF

Quite clearly the woman is controlling her husband as she managed to talk him out of a divorce and then dragged him round everywhere trying to humiliate him further.I feel so sorry for him, as he obviously does NOT fancy her anymore. If she really loved him she would " set him free"

Nanabird,

Does he offer no explanation? If not, how come? It is the least you deserve. Press him for one. I find it extraordinary that this basic information is missing!

At a guess I imagine that shame is at the root it.

Did you mean clinical psychologist by the way?

I think that's harshly put handmade
Nanabird you do come across as pulling all his strings to make things right for YOU , whilst he comes across as a bit weak not wanting to hurt you so passively going along with most if it but not really wanting to be there I think you cannot expect after 8 years of trying without success to ever get the heady days of your sexual love back in this relationship he so obviously doesn't want it

Does it really matter whether he took drugs, had hetro or homosexual sex, encounter something horrible sexually or had the most amazing time it WAS 8 years ago and whatever it was he's probably long forgotten You should have had this talk 71/2 years ago and you should have looked for it being another woman (or man) long before you thought of all the medical and mental problems because honestly that is the most likely but also the most uncomfortable for you, how easy if it was a bit of depression or a unusable Jon Thomas you could feel sorry for him and have a project to love him better.

Something woke him up that weekend he came back determined to have a divorce, you became hysterical and after a period of time he backed down but he has showed you as clearly as he could that he was staying with you only because that's what you wanted, and now he's totally in the rut of staying put and your totally in a rut of being frustrated and unhappy Something needs to move because I don't think this talk NOW is going to unearth anything at all I think he will cover it all up, the moment for admitting secrets has long passed

I'd put money on it that he has an affair, and left you.

That fizzled out and he returned to you.

He loves you, gets on with you, but just is not attracted to you.

If he went off the rails whilst away and had a bad experinece then I'm sorry for him but really -he is hardly traumatised!
I dont find radicalnan's views as too harsh. it seems to me that the others just want to make excuses for a man who actually has fallen out of love with his wife and refuses to talk about it.
A lot of couples have a celebate marriage, Freud had it with his own wife because he had to limit his family. Reading about it, it seems they accepted it.

If your husband is your best friend you won't be giving him up just because he wants seperate beds. Now that we grow older and some into our 90s perhaps we will all of us have to settle for a celibate marriage sooner or later.

I think Bluebelle has put it very well. You were married for 15 years. He was working away at a very vibrant and energetic venue and he was at an age and stage where he may have questioned what the future had to offer.....and maybe what the present was offering at that moment. Energised and determined he came back With the intention to move on.
But his intentions may have faltered. You may have been very persausive. He may not have had the courage to follow things through......or maybe the counselling helped him to see life differently.
Also, sex or the missing of it can mean so many things. Do you miss being sexually attractive (to him)? Do you miss the power that sex can have in a realationship? Or do you miss the actual physical pleasure?
It's probably too late to talk about a situation from 8 years ago......your initial hysteria has changed to a nagging resentment and sadness. And we all edit our past anyway.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You may be right starlady, but I guess nanabird may be in the best position to know.

I think many of you have been unbelievably unkind to nanabird. If my DH suddenly told me he wanted a divorce, I'm sure I would have hysterics and more! That doesn't equal being manipulative, controlling, blackmailing or anything else. It's just an honest reaction. It's like: some of you are saying if someone tells you they want a divorce it's immoral to want to try and save your marriage!

I think in your kindness to Nanabird you are making everyone who is trying to open her eyes, to be evil or else you are totally missing the point Spot
NOBODY in my reading of this thread suggested Nanabird was manipulative or blackmailing (your words) and also I don't think anyone suggested it s not normal to throw a fit if a partner suddenly asked for a divorce You have exaggerated others opinion to make it sound like unkindness.

All of that first behaviour of Nanabird was totally natural and of course I m sure most of us are full of admiration for anyone prepared to fight for their relationship, however what isn't natural is spending 8 years not facing the truth, in a state of suspense Eight years that sounds like very difficult years (for both of them ) Eight years of visiting every professional possible ( relate, counselling for herself, GP, mental health nurse, psychologist ) but rubbishing their opinion if they don't diagnose what Nanabird wanted to hear, spending the last of her retirement money on romantic holidays, new work ventures and searching for every possible sticking plaster to the problem.... you say to starlady ' I guess Nanabird is in the best position to know' well if that was the case why would she be asking complete strangers to help solve her problem

At the end of her long original post Nanabird asks 'Am i clutching at straws' I think most people have told her, in for the most part, reasonable terms that she is and that a new approach of facing the truth instead of finding excuses is necessary to enable both of them to find some peace and some solace

Will she take any of this advice ....I doubt it personally, as eight years is a habit and habits are hard to break I think she will have her talk which will get glossed over and they will settle back into their lopsided marriage and maybe that's as good as it gets

I hope Nanabird does not see this as an unkind post unfortunately the old adage of 'truth hurts' is often true

Does it really matter what happened eight years ago? Whatever it was he doesn't want to remember it. Perhaps its best left that way. It's the Now that's important. If sex is important to nanabird then she needs to have a frank talk with her DH and find out why its no longer important to him. Perhaps after a couple of drinks when he's relaxed. And remember its easier to talk frankly when sitting side by side, not confrontationally face to face. What's more important is their feelings for each other now. If there still is love and caring for one another there'll be a way to work it out one way or the other.

Whether he's gay or had a fling eight years ago is really irrelevant now. It's positive advice that's needed here girls!

Thanks to Nansbird for sharing her story with us. It may have helped others. Although at times our responses may have been painful to read we can only comment on what she has written and hopefully helped her see all aspects of the situation. We can only guess what is in her husband's head and comment on the facts as she has presented them to us. My best wishes to her whatever she decides to do.