DIL not sure what to do

Well it sure sounds like it's a done deal as far as your DIL is concerned. How is your son with all that's going on?
If I were you i would carry on doing what you are doing being supportive but try not to take sides although it may seem impossible . Try to remain on reasonable terms with both of them so preserving your connection with the grandchildren. A very difficult time for you all I wish you well.

Begin with the practicalities.
You can say that you are sorry, that you want to help make this new arrangement work the best it can for the children, then ask for some time to sit down and sort out the practical issues.
She will relate to your offer of help, be grateful that you are not forcing the issue on her business, and be glad that the relationship with the kids is your priority.

Find someone with whom to talk over your own distress and grief.
Good luck

I agree with Nanarose, help with the children and practical things then your daughter in law may confide a little more in you.
There may be more to this than you have been told but its always sad to see your family in difficulties. .
Good luck

Make it clear that you don't blame her. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors (not that I'm saying your DS has done anything wrong). Marriages break down for a variety of reasons and often no one is to blame.

Thank you all for your help, my son is devastated by all of this especially with no explanation offered, but after your posts I will try and talk to her and go with the suggestion about offering practical help and staying non judgemental as it would devastate us all to lose contact with the Grandchildren. She has already barely spoken to her parents for a year and they have only seen the children on a couple of occasions, again no explanations other than they have upset her. Luckily we are a close and strong family - 4 sons and a supportive husband. This is my first post and has been very helpful to me.

You have had good advice granflower, keep communication open, be as practical as you can and yes, do think about support for yourself, it's been as big a shock for you as anyone. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, I think often the impact on grandparents and extended family is huge and I wish you all well.

Good advice above. Please do not make yourself ill over it - you need to be strong for these children who are about to have their lives seriously disrupted. You can serve as the rock - the one thing that has not changed. Your presence in their lives now is going to be very precious to them. You can do this!

One of the problems with a forum is that it is easy to pick up the wrong end of the stick! However, as they can be useful, I wonder if I could offer an insight (whilst knowing I might be off the mark)?

A strong, close family, large by today's standards, can feel intimidating (without meaning to be). Your DiL may feel that if she starts a conversation about what went wrong, or how she feels, she may get overwhelmed. That does not mean she is right - her husband obviously deserves more, and as you are dealing so much with the children, so do you. But I can sympathise!

All the more reason to stick with the practicalities, showing that as the mother of your grandchildren she deserves support and basic respect. I think in the long run, you will be glad, however hard it is now.

In similar position, but reversed. I promised DDIL that I wouldn't ask awkward questions of either of them, and would continue helping with beautiful grandchildren.

If you can, keep the lines of communication open for the sake of your grandchildren. They are old enough to be devastated and will need all the support you can give them . Please try not to be negative about their mum and whatever you do don't criticise her in front of the children. She will always be their mum and they will always love her. My thoughts are with you and the family at this very difficult time.

You are wise keeping quiet. She owes you no explanation. The less talk about anything other than the children the better. Given practical support DIL and DS will sort.

I hope her moving 20 miles away will not mean that the childcare is also removed. Be prepared for all sorts while the dust settles on this. You will have to see what your son manages to sort out with her and take your cue from that.

It is so sad and will be a wrench for the children whatever happens.

Keep calm and carry on is my advice and don't be too pre emptive it is for them to sort things out and they will want what is best for everybody.

Life is at best a stinker and often much worse.

My heart goes out to you. We had a similar thing 12 months ago, our son arrived on his own at Easter time and before he said anything I just knew there was something wrong. His wife wanted them to part, saying she 'loved him but wasn't in love with him'. He was devastated, as were we, she'd been like another daughter to us.They had been together for 14 years, married for 7, and had a wonderful life style. Many tears were shed by everyone but 12 months later our son is getting his life back on track. There were no children involved thankfully. We tried to be supportive to them both, although my husband had no wish to speak to our daughter in law, but I always want lines of communication to remain open. Always such a sad situation, but all you can do is be there for them all.

We had a similar situation to you JanT but it happened when my daughter was 7 months pregnant.
It was very difficult for myself andDH to refrain from making our feelings about Son in L very plain but thank goodness we restrained ourselves because he came back a year later and they seem happy now.
So my advice, for what it's worth, is keep your feelings under control- you never know what the future may bring

Been here & done this.

I know how you are feeling. All you can do is be supportive to both parties as it is up to them how much you see of your GC.

If it is any consolation, 4 years down the line & my DS & DiL are very good friends & the children happily slot between them with no problems at all. It took a lot of hard work on both sides. They went to mediation & it really helped. They still go out as a family a lot too.

I made it quite clear from the start that I was here for both of them & I still have a very good relationship with my DiL (they have never divorced) & I do a lot of child care in the school holidays or if they want to go out at weekends & they are 30 miles away from us.

My heart goes out to you as I really do know what you are feeling. It will be OK in the end.
Hugs

I would say keep on looking after the children and do not be hostile to the DIL or that might end. You do not know the ins and outs of why the split, you will probably not have been told the real reason. Your son might be devastated but if it is not working it is not working an no amount of worry will change that so do not make yourself ill over it. In the end it might be a 'friendly' divorce. Be gratful for that at least. On no account make nasty remarks about DIL in front of her children or it will make matters much worse. Try and keep out of their fighting, but be there if you are needed. They will both appreciate that.

Granflower I feel so sorry for you; my son's divorce nearly sent me under 18 months ago and I still shake when I hear about yet more aggravation between him and his ex. My only advice is to keep out of it as much as possible and help your grandchildren...as you always have. I drew huge hearts with my granddaughter and put all the names of everyone who loved her inside it in the hope that she would somehow understand. We give her and her brother as much time as we can. Consistent, warm, loving grandparents - who make no judgment - are needed here. Good luck and God Bless.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

granflower you've had good advice 're sticking with the practicalities.

I've not had this experience, but I also think that sometimes it's a good idea to just "be human" by expressing the fact that the situation (not the people) is upsetting to everyone including you. In other words, appealing for a bit of understanding for you in the position as grandmother. I'm not saying that you must get at your DIL, I'm suggesting "stating your truth gently and without expectation of change". It's a trick I learnt long ago (from a friend) and it always makes me feel better when I do it, whatever the situation.

Good luck.

I'm very simple. You tell her you're sorry that the marriage hasn't worked out, that you are there for both of them, that you value her as a DiL and as the mother to your grandchildren and that anything you can do to help she just has to ask.

Your job is to stay strong, hard though that will be, and to make things as easy as possibly for everyone, but especially your grandchildren who need the stability of a loving and non judgmental granny/nana more than ever.

(((hugs)))

It's very simple not I'm very simple.!!

There are situations, such as the breakdown of what might appear from the outside to look like a happy marriage, which cannot be explained at the time in a way that other people will understand. In the midst of such a situation it's possible to not really understand it oneself. The imperative only seems to be to get away from something one cannot cope with after trying many times. Understanding comes much, much later.

You will feel upset, granflower, as will your son and his wife, but the advice others have given you is good. Carry on as you have been doing, helping with the children, and not taking sides. You can feel sympathy for what both partners in the marriage are feeling right now without knowing the causes of the disruption, which may be (probably are) very complex.

If you feel ill because of how it is affecting you, please go and see your GP.

thatbags very sensitively put in that first paragraph. Good post.

let your daughter in law know you'll still be available to help when she needs it,that although you dont understand that its her decision to make and you'll support that and wont take sides ,and that you hope she'll find the happiness she's seeking.DONT ask why she feels the way she does,its quite frankly none of your business ,even though you're heartbroken for your son.You will of course be supporting him throuh the breakup too.My son attempted suicide when he and his partner split...she was sleeping with someone else.He thought HE had failed his daughter because he worked such long hours that her mother felt neglected.He ended up being charged with stalking her by Text messages as he was determined to get them back together.He was just 22 .It took a long time to sort out his head and he only met someone else last year 6 years after his split.He did have lots of contact (half of every week) with his child and still does ,still works long shifts so we have her staying with us .It will work out the way its meant to...eventually.I wish you all the best of luck for the tough times and much happiness when they pass