Arriving unannounced

I wouldn't dream of calling on anyone unannounced particularly not daughter or son - just bad manners

I don't understand what "so doesn't want to accommodate us" means.

I agree best to phone or text before dropping in as it may be inconvient or they are not home. Does she not want you to come to her house at all? If so you must except it but still make her welcome at your house.

I don't understand how your DD can go to your house and do things without telling you. She could at least leave a note saying she had been and what she had done like mum just dropped in to use the printer.

If they are still coming for their Sunday roast and lasagne I think you are going to have to discuss this. As others have said there is more to this than appears and she has a problem and estrangement is making her more isolated.

Poly, any chance of your coming back in and letting us know your thoughts on some of what posters have been saying?

NannaM, sorry to hear about your estrangement, too.

Hope all the rifts discussed on this site heal in time.

There seems to be a lot of issues around OP's estrangement from family. I think a lot depends on "family culture" some have a drop-in culture whereas others have a culture that you prepare for and host guests.

There was one bit of the OP that I was a little unclear about which was when OP wrote We normally give a quick text or call if we are calling in you you mean that you call and ask if it is OK to drop in or that you call/text and say that you are coming anyway? If it is the latter then that could be perceived as rude as they may have had other plans or feel they must drop what they were doing to prepare for guests.

Unannounced drop ins can also lead to unintended consequences. There was a thread on another board where a FIL just let himself into his DS/DIL's flat with the spare key and strolled into the bedroom to talk about DIY where his DIL/DS were having an "intimate moment" in bed!

maybe there will come a time in our lives when we would all welcome anyone to arrive unannounced!!!

I assume my DDs are like we were at their ages. I don't care to walk in on naked in the lounge.

I think that if someone wants to take offence.....on any issue....they will. Trying to put one's finger on what caused a deep rift is often very difficult. Its better to try to draw a line and re-negotiate the relationship looking forward, not back. However, both parties need to want that to happen for it to work.

I find it odd that you would (or many of you) expect family and close friends to knock the door and wait until its answered.My door is never locked from we wake until we go to bed.Everyone who knows us knows to open the door and yell as they enter,usually are you in,but sometimes strange other things .Even the postman does it and the lady who delivers parcels regularly from a courier .I wouldn't have it any other way .

I think people are missing the point of the OPs question? She clearly said she NEVER drops in unannounced but has done so only once (with a good reason). The fact that her DD felt it was OK to drop into her parents' home when they were out (never mind unanounced) and used the printer etc smacks of one rule for her and another for them.

As others have said, sounds like something deeper going on.

I have my own front door and internal door key, tho I do tend to message I'm on my way [only 2 min walk] and often get messages asking me to pop in n pick something up to take to her at work lol

I just avoid dropping in. Announced or otherwise. Its fatal and can lead to me being roped into all sorts of things.

My DS,DDiL and the children lead such busy (often hectic) lifestyles that by even just dropping something in at theirs can mean you're there for hours, with either DS or DDiL having the sudden desperate need just to pop out somewhere.

The children spend a lot of time at my house though. sometimes can't get rid of them

Well Notanan when I opened the front door, all their bits and bobs were there, so knew someone was in and also my D&GD hadn't long moved out from living with me, so it was wonderful to have them back, if only for a few hours [till the argument with her H had blown over & he came to collect them

Thank you so much Caro I have the 'no more tears' baby wash, sitting on the bath tub waiting

I would never turn up at my sons home without prior arrangement...out of nothing more than good manners...and his freedom...the last thing you want is your mother on the doorstep if throwing a lunch or dinner party or indeed meeting with his clients at home, as my son often does. I keep a spare key to his home for practical reasons, but would never dream of using it without prior permission.

I live in the Granny flat in DDs house, I always send a FB message if I am going upstairs, just 'ok to come up', and we always knock on each others door.
The only time we do not seem to do this is in the summer when all the doors to the shared garden are open and we just wander in and out of each others homes.
It is just a bit of consideration for their privacy really.

We always had people popping in and out. As a childminder and foster mum some of them and the state they were in wasn't always welcome, sadly I'd have to turn them away. We installed a cctv camera covering the front door, on going through it on a couple of occasions we discovered why we were going through groceries so quickly, we seemed to have turned into a branch of Sainsbury's after our boys left home! They'd come in empty handed when we weren't there and leave carrying bags of loo rolls, tinned food, laundry stuff etc. (I didn't mind, they were struggling and I'd have said ok if we'd been there). There's only one rule, nobody goes in my bedroom without being told to, it's my escape room/haven . But I'd never just pop in on the dcs without some warning, even if it's only half hour, you never know what you may interrupt! And it's nice to be given the opportunity to say 'not today' Since I've been ill and no longer have a house full of other people's children all day I have to say that all the DCs now give me a warning incase I'm asleep. Some of my visitors are my previous children who make themselves at home as they walk through the door which is so lovely. And I'm happy to report that this branch of Sainsbury's isn't open as often as it used to be.

As lots of others have said, it's what's normal for your family. The only reason we contact each other before a visit is to check whether the other person is in. We've all got keys to each others houses. I would normally use them if I'm dropping something off and they're not going to be in or if they've had to pop out. They usually suggest I make myself a cup of tea while I wait for them to return. Don't use the key if they're at home I just ring the bell. Usually I'm told, "why didn't you just let yourself in."

I never turn up at my DD's unannounced, they can turn up here whenever they want, but generally send a text or ring. DD2 has her own pub, but I would still text or call before turning up there too.

me too Paddyann, I love peeps to come over announced or unannounced it never bothers me. Coming from a big family I suppose I am used to it, my mum and dad loved having family and friends over. We have even had family come from abroad and drop in for breakfast, lunch, dinner etc and maybe stay over. Having said all of that my dil is entirely different (of course) I recently travelled for 21/2 hours to surprise my son and was told by dil that I should have let them know. Why? cos she hadn't cleaned up and didn't
have any lunch or dinner to give me. Really? I don't need anything to eat in fact we could go out, my treat, but NO I should have let them know. My son hadn't arrived home from work yet, but I thought I would go and visit friends in the area instead. Never mind. Don't know why people have to be that way but some are. Poly580 it's very likely your daughter's partner/husband as this also happened to me with my daughter, she loved having us drop in, but after a while we were told partner did not want us to. Don't let it ruin your relationship with your family, go with the flow, but maybe get your key back from D. {smile}

When we were young there were no mobiles or email and not many households had telephones so people were more likely to drop in if they were passing on the off chance of seeing you. The only way to notify that you were coming was to write and arrange a visit in advance. Unexpected visitors always had to be offered tea & cake, hence the tradition of FHB (Family Hold Back)!

Nowadays because you can ring or text and say you are passing, visiting unexpectedly is much less acceptable - I must admit I wouldn't dream of going to see someone without phoning or texting first, and I wouldn't be very impressed if friends or family turned up on my doorstep without warning.

DD and I are always in and out of each other's houses ( Very Waltons I know!) DS comes into ours but hasn't yet got round to getting more keys cut so I have to ring the doorbell. We really only text each other beforehand if we want to know someone will be in before we set out.

Text or phone to see when you can come over and ask for the key back. That's double standards in my book.

As an explanation of the previous story, I must have left the front door ajar when bringing in the milk, which is how the Health Visitor got access).

That story of the bath brought back a funny memory to me.

In our first years of marriage when we lived relatively near to my parents, my Mum used to have our front door key. She never rang the doorbell but just waltzed in and sometimes, if we were out, she'd move the furniture round to make the room "look better". (My husband used to get so annoyed. - I don't know why I didn't absolutely insist that she didn't interfere in that way)

Anyway, one day we were both in the bath and our new baby was sleeping in her crib (money was tight and we were mindful of not using too much hot water) when I heard someone talking to us from outside the bathroom door (we were renting a small nissan-hut type bungalow). Assuming it was Mum, I kept saying loudly "I can't hear you. Can you wait - I'll be out in a minute." To our surprise, the bathroom door opened and there stood the Health Visitor who had come to see me and the baby. She didn't bat an eyelid and just carried on asking how things were, etc., until my husband asked if she would mind waiting a moment in the sitting room while I got a dressing gown on.

As to giving pre-notice of visits, I prefer someone to give me a little forewarning before arriving on the doorstep. It's not because I don't like to see people or that I'm inhospitable, it's just that I'm not always that organised.

NannaM I returned home from work once, only to find my now estranged daughter in doors with the little ones in the bath! What a fantastic surprise that was

I'ld probably have a heart attack if there were people in what I was expecting to be an empty house!

I'ld never do that I'ld be afraid I'ld be whacked over the head for being mistaken for an intruder!