How far would you go to be with your children?

Our DS lives in Aus. and has done for 4 years, we are estranged from his brother and have been now for 4+ years. In fact, we moved 6 months ago to get away from our ES and his family. They were living just 15 doors away and it was too painful never knowing if we'd catch a glimpse of the GC we weren't allowed any contact with.

We wouldn't move to Aus. to be near our son. TBH It's far too hot in the summer for Mr. S. and I don't particularly like it there; no offense intended. I've joked with our DS that we might get the extended parent visas the Aus. authorities have recently brought out, I think they allow a sponsored parent to stay for up to 4 years.

When I mentioned this to him he said 'yes, sounds great mum but I've a feeling your long stay may coincide with our move to a pig farm in New Zealand'.

He realizes as we do that it will become harder for us to travel out there as we get older and also there's the financial aspect to consider when Mr. S. retires. It certainly isn't cheap and we both find the long flight difficult enough as it is.

We're loving our new home where we've been 6 months now and I can't think of anything that would induce us to move again.

We have moved a 100 miles away from our children. Mainly to get rid of a mortgage. It's great our children visit us regularly and stay with us. One comes and the rest follow. We are in a rural setting away from the hustle and bustle of London. No regrets.

My son and DiL asked us to move closer to them when they were expecting their first child. They were very family minded and often did the 2-3 hour drive to see us and part of their reasoning I'm sure was that it would be easier if we were closer to them, especially when they had a family.

So not a case of us 'following' them anywhere. At the time my daughter, SiL and GS1 were in NZ. When they chose to return to the UK they too decided to look for teaching posts and settle close by.

It works for us, because, as several people have pointed out every family has different dynamics. I know for sure they will never move now.

Would I have moved half-way across the world? I truly do not know.

We only have 1 daughter who is married with 2 children. As my only family I would live anywhere to be near them. It would rip my heart out not to see my grandkids

My children are middle aged men who certainly would not want their mother following them around the world. I don't think we have any right to assume that we should move just because they do. One of them is planning to move abroad in a year or two. I am not even considering following him. My life is here. But I am hoping to have some nice visits to him.

We did the same thing Frankie, an adventure for us although not entirely welcomed by all the family. I didn't have children so they could look after me in my old age, I want them to be free and independent.

When I was in my 20's in 1974 and just married, my father moved from UK to New Zealand with my 2 teenage brothers (mum had died a few years previously). I stayed in UK, as a new phase of my life was just beginning - husband, house, career. An older brother also stayed in UK. Dad wanted a new life for himself and a good future in NZ for my brothers, and over the years his decision proved to be a good one - dad sadly died there in 2002, my brothers still live there, have lovely families and are grandfathers. Would I , as a daughter have liked to see them more often than I did? Yes, of course. But we stayed close and visited as many times as was practicable (for me, with full time work, and 3 children, this amounted to 3 visits in 30 years). I certainly never ever bore my dad a grudge for moving so far away. When our own 3 children had grown up, and becoming independent following university, OH and I were ready to retire. The house was too big for 2 of us, and to be honest, there was always the (very) slight possibility that one or more of the children might come back to live 'at home'. So we didn't just downsize...we moved to France, 11 years ago. It's a move that our sons, less so our daughter (she thought we were mad!), supported, and now that they have families of their own they appreciate their holidays here. We nip back to visit, and sometimes to help with childcare. Apart from that we have WhatsApp, Skype and the like. I think we're all happy. The future is an unknown, in many ways, so I can't say we'll never go back. But if we do, it will be to somewhere we choose, and not necessarily near our children. It wouldn't be easy to choose which child to select in that regard anyway, as they don't live particularly near each other. I will just add that friends often comment what a close family we are - you don't have to live on the doorstep for that to happen

I think it is an each to there own personal circumstances, however being reliant on your adult children for your own happiness is not a good thing.

I have 4 adult youngsters, I am happily divorced from their biological 1 as the boys call him. I am happily remarried and I have a story that you would read in a biography life.

I have been through much in my/our lives and have learnt our children are through us, not of us.

2 of my 4 live abroad. 1 in Canada where she made her life, having always wanted to live abroad the opportunity came and she took it. She has also met her long term partner out there. I wouldn't want her back here, because she is happy.

I also have another son who lives in New Zealand. 2 of mine have decided to stay here and live in the same City as us.

No I wouldn't move with any of them. They can move on. As I said our children are through us not of us. We hold their hands a little while and then help them fly.

In this day and age, of Facetime Skype, email, text, phone and cheap air travel we are blessed. The world is a very small place today compared to even 40 + years ago.

To bring your children up, for me, we should be bringing them up so they know the home fires burn for them however them knowing that they have the freedom to live their lives and IMHO should not have to live with guilt around parents.

Having been born (Myself) to look after my Mom in her old age (I was told that was why) I lived with that and was tied to my Mom emotionally without realising it and which I did. I did not want the same for mine and have made sure they all know it so they are free.

I have also ensured my eldest son who lives locally, happily married etc. knows it is not his job to see to his brother when we aren't here. My 2nd son has serious mental health issues. I will have as much in place for my 2nd lad as I can has the years go on. It is NOT my eldest son responsibility to look after him.

We all come from different angles depending on our life story and this is why I write as I do. Some will see my take as odd/peculiar however it is very healthy and balanced. Therapy and family of origin work has helped free me from the ties that chained me over the years. I do not want another generation of the sins of our fathers passing down.

Oh yes just to confirm I did look after my Mom until her death. I did what I was born to do. I am glad I did however it does not mean I want it for mine. It isn't right and it life has moved on from what the expectations were once, thank goodness

You either have children who want to fly the nest or children who want to live near family. As parents we should not have any say in it. In hondagirl's case there were other contributing factors that influenced their decisions and it is unfortunate they are now on their own.

For many children they may be devasted when they hear the parents are following them, others will be really pleased. My daughter likes me to visit but not for too long.

At least with modern technology communication is so easy. Last night I was discussing a paper with my daughter and we are 1,000 miles apart. She e mailed it to me and I sent some suggestions back. We then discussed it on FaceTime and she was also doing her ironing. It seemed like she was in the next room.

I have one child in the US, one in Scotland and one in England. My fourth and youngest is a student doctor so still at uni but her work could eventually take her anywhere. It would be pretty difficult to know which one to follow.

Dh and I have lived all over the UK, from our home county of Kent to the far north of Scotland and stations in between, as well as in two Third World countries so we know that you really can't rely on anyone staying put in any one place nowadays.

We will need to move eventually as although we love our current home, it won't be practical for the future. We quite often discuss where might be the best place to move to but never come to any useful conclusion. I did suggest that we sold up completely and went to live with each of our offspring for three months at a time!

We moved when we downsized to Somerset, about half way between DH's DD & Family & my DD & Family. My DM is still in Yorkshire where I grew up. After DH died I moved to Devon to be nearer my DD, I live about 10 miles away from her & this is my last move. I chose my home carefully so unless I become seriously infirm I hope to remain here for the rest of my life.

DD is unlikely to move away from this area as her OH is registered disabled so no work issues. We all love where we live. It is hard with DM being so far away, she is 88 but apart from two cousins who I rarely see I have no other relatives in Yorkshire. I ring DM every 2/3 days & have visited for 2 weeks already this year with two more trips planned.

Every family has to consider what is best for them, I moved 250 miles from DM when I met DH along with my 9 year old DD.My DSF was still working so they would not have moved. DM did consider moving to Somerset but on reflection decided that in her 80s it was too much, she's always lived in the same village where she was born.

We would love to move to the town where eldest daughter lives but couldn't afford it.
Second son lives in India, at the top of a 2,133m mountain.
He says we can go and live with them, (2 adults, 4 children in a 2 bedroomed house)but I think it would be a bit crowded

I went abroad and got married and stayed there, had children and everything. Never was there a question of my parents coming to join me. Ditto now my children are strewn across the globe, it wouldn't cross my mind to move away to go and join them.

When they were small it was important to me to give them roots and a home to come back to. Even though they are globetrotters, I still hang on to that and they all converge on us at Christmas.

I still go back and visit my mother and sister - also a sort of "returning to the roots." If my sister moved away, and/or my mother died, and I had no one left in East Anglia, I would be bereft.

We shouldn't underestimate the value of the place we grew up, as well as the people who cared for us in our formative years.

It seems to me that everyone in the family has to value closeness in the same way. If your children move away they are really signalling that they have other priorities and they will be the ones to move again even if you have moved to be near them. My children know how important their proximity is to me but for them,in their 30s, career and travelling are more important.
It is just a fact of life that your children become the biggest priority in your life and your parents less. Our children won't know how we feel until their children are old enough to move away.

I have one child and I currently have care of dgd. I moved my dd to the other end of the country when dd was young so left my family and friends behind. It was very difficult but necessary. I am still homesick! I'd love to go home but circumstances don't allow it. My mum is growing frailer every time I see her & feel torn between being here for dd & maintaining this fragile relationship and being around to help my mum.
Not the other side of the world or even a different country (at the moment anyway) but far enough for it to be very hard ?

We have recently moved 50 miles back to where we belong, after almost 30 years in a place that DH's job took us to. Partly due to DH's poor health. One DD and DGC are in same city, which is great, but I'm aware that DSIL's job could take them away. However, we do have other family and friends around. Other DD, SIL and DGD's are 150 miles away, where property is cheaper. DH suggested we move there. They would be the only people we knew. I know they would support us, but my concern was that should, heaven forbid, our daughter pre-decease us, SIL and DGD's might be seldom seen, leaving us very isolated. This was definitely a 'no go' option. Might sound an extreme concern, but one for Gnetters to consider.

Can't possibly advise you, as every family is different. All I would say that it's dangerous to assume that the move to follow will be singular, as there is no guarantee that those you are following will then stay put. In our own case, we have a strong network of relatives/friends/neighbours locally, and are fond of and familiar with our local area, so particularly at this late stage in our lives, would be most reluctant to lose all that by moving elsewhere. We are here for our children, but if they chose to move away, we wouldn't just follow. It would be a case of "we're still here for you, and you know where we are, but we also have our own lives to lead... "

I would not move house to be with my children, they may move on again. I have however been to the other side of the world (Australia) twice to see my youngest and I do not think you can go further than that! :-)

Must be difficult when you have children here and abroad and you are asked to move away. I could not do it. What would happen to your property when you die for example? Not fair on any of them I think. So I stay put. They come back home sometimes....mine did thank God! Another went to Switzerland but all back here now.

I moved to NZ when my children were small and they were brought up there. I came back to the UK 20 years ago and both my children did too. One I see really regularly and look after my grand daughter several days a week. My other daughter and children I rarely see. When the one I see said she they were thinking of going back to NZ I said I'd follow as I still miss it and would really miss my granddaughter. My other daughter is busy with her career and the children are almost grown with their own lives.

No way would I go where my children have moved to! In every case where I have known people do that, the children are either too busy to see much of them anyway or they move away again, leaving the parents without either their family, or their old friends! You stay where you've settled if you like it there.

I wouldn't move anywhere "for" my children as they are just as likely to move away again and where would you draw the line. I might move because it seemed like it was somewhere I wanted to live with or without my children. What I won't do is move away from my children. I am here for them if that is what they want and I hope they won't want to go anywhere else. However, if they do, they go with my blessing because I want them to live their lives as they see fit.

I cannot think of anything worse than to be apart from my children. One of them (aged 28) still lives at home and the other (25) lives nearby.

My dilemma comes when one wants to move away. Do I follow them and leave the other or stay put and miss the first?

My DH and I were going to move to Devon on retirement but have subsequently realised we cannot abandon the family.

Many of our friends encouraged their children to travel and now pine for them when they are away.

I take your point of view Gilly .

Every family is different. I hope we're doing what's right for ours as you did for yours. Only time will tell.

Luckily my husband and I are excited about the adventure and don't see any reason why we would see our grandchildren any less. Not so many 1 hour pop ins more long weekends etc. So hour for hour we expect we'll see them more.

As someone who could have really done with some help from my parents when I was a young single mother (and didn't really get it) I am happy to offer as much help and support I can to my DS, DDiL and the children. After the second DGC was born we moved house in order to be closer and more easily available to them. This wasn't a massive move but meant that I no longer had to battle rush hour city centre traffic to do the school runs. I couldn't imagine ever deliberately moving away from them and nor would I want to. We all reach a time when we need the love and support of our family and taking yourself away from them (in my opinion) would be a foolish move. I looked after my gran for many years up until her death. I can't imagine how I would have felt if I had been miles away and not able to see her regularly. She was always there for me when I was young and I feel very strongly about "paying back" .

I am not citizising those who choose to move away from family. I'm just saying it would never be right for me.

That's our thinking Hildajenni but are we in the minority?