How far would you go to be with your children?

Could you reverse the decision and come back to the UK while there are still two of you?

In our case about 150 miles. But never-the-less we left behind the familiar and good friends.

Would I stay here if they moved away? Probably.

However, you hondagirl moved halfway across the world which is an entirely different matter.

Please do what your heart says. Too late when you have left these shores. I do know of one lady, widowed, who followed her daughter to New Zealand. She left her son and grandchildren here. I couldn't have done it, rather go for long visits if they wanted me, whilst I could, but all families are different.

If you move because its something you want to do and not just to follow your children that's one thing. I think we should make our own lives and allow our children to get on with theirs.
It's different if either party needs help for some reason but in general we should have a level of independence from each other.

I would never move because of my lads, they are adults with their own lives to decide about and live.
I have known other people who did similar moves to you, some have been successful others disasters. I think uprooting your lives to go to the other side of the world is always going to be a big test, especially when you're older.

Oh Christine and justoneed how I agree ....children need to lead their own lives not have parents following them around, what if you become incapacitated after you ve travelled to be near them and they end up 'looking after you' my worst nightmare what a tie and a burden, let them enjoy THEIR lives make their own mistakes their own adventures we as parents should move to the background after our children leave to make their own way in life. If in the future the children say could you move nearer (for whatever reason) and you want to that would be quite different

Birds push their offspring out if the nest to teach them to fly on their own we need to follow natures lead albeit in a more gentle way.... it's their lives not ours any more

I'm sorry you're in this situation Honda.

I have one son in Somerset and one in Switzerland and wouldn't dream of selling-up and moving to be near one or the other. Not because they might move on but due to the fact that I have my own life to live and following my adult children has never entered my head.

I do however toy with the idea of renting in Somerset for a year.

We are just moving away from our children. Not thousands of miles just 100 or so but we have lived close( walking distance) to them since they moved out.

Our move is for us . We have always put our daughters first and then along came grandchildren and we provided help and support. But we are aware that they lean heavily on us and we will not always be here. Whilst we are they see no reason to widen their support network.

Its going to be a bit of a shock all round in the early days I am sure but I think its the right thing for everyone.

NandG that sounds an interesting move - have you told your daughters?

N&G, I've been following your house move story as it's unusual for grandparents to uproot themselves to move away from friends and family. It's usually the other way round.

Whilst you may feel they need to stand on their own feet a bit more and not rely on you so much for child care etc., what will happen when you both need more help and support as you get older?

Won't distance put more of a burden on them?

When DH decides it's time to stop working, ( he's 66), we are going to downsize. He's been waiting to see where our DD and family will settle, but there has been talk recently of them emigrating. DSiL has a job which is rather limited in openings, and is looking at Canada, America and Australia as well as UK. When we do move, it will be for ourselves, and we will go where we want to be.

Yes Riverwalk we have - bear in mind we told them 3 years ago, postponed it for a year as our youngest daughter was upset and then its been almost a year so far since we put the house on the market.

Our eldest daughter is thrilled for us ( and sees longer child free times and holidays too .

Our youngest reluctantly accepts the inevitable. As the ones not working , we know the onus will be on us to do the lions share of the travelling - so be it.

I think merlotgran you're right , it is unusual. Partly, it stems from my life . I left home at 17 , joined the army and never lived closer than 3 hours to my Mum and Dad for the rest of their lives and usually further than that. But they had a close and loving relationship with our children so I know it can be done. Our girls have been lucky , and never had to live a nomadic life so this is a large upheaval to them - and pretty much run of the mill to us.

Our new home is being as future proofed as possible for us to negate as much potential help needed. Luckily, we are financially sound so can afford to buy in day-to-day support if needed. We want them to be able to visit without having a list of jobs for them.

We've thought through a number of scenarios and in the absolute worst case , if one of us dies, the other can sell up, move back into something small and be back within walking distance.

I want them to be able to be my daughters not my carers and we have planned accordingly.

of course the best laid plans and all that - we shall see.

That's our thinking Hildajenni but are we in the minority?

As someone who could have really done with some help from my parents when I was a young single mother (and didn't really get it) I am happy to offer as much help and support I can to my DS, DDiL and the children. After the second DGC was born we moved house in order to be closer and more easily available to them. This wasn't a massive move but meant that I no longer had to battle rush hour city centre traffic to do the school runs. I couldn't imagine ever deliberately moving away from them and nor would I want to. We all reach a time when we need the love and support of our family and taking yourself away from them (in my opinion) would be a foolish move. I looked after my gran for many years up until her death. I can't imagine how I would have felt if I had been miles away and not able to see her regularly. She was always there for me when I was young and I feel very strongly about "paying back" .

I am not citizising those who choose to move away from family. I'm just saying it would never be right for me.

I take your point of view Gilly .

Every family is different. I hope we're doing what's right for ours as you did for yours. Only time will tell.

Luckily my husband and I are excited about the adventure and don't see any reason why we would see our grandchildren any less. Not so many 1 hour pop ins more long weekends etc. So hour for hour we expect we'll see them more.

I cannot think of anything worse than to be apart from my children. One of them (aged 28) still lives at home and the other (25) lives nearby.

My dilemma comes when one wants to move away. Do I follow them and leave the other or stay put and miss the first?

My DH and I were going to move to Devon on retirement but have subsequently realised we cannot abandon the family.

Many of our friends encouraged their children to travel and now pine for them when they are away.

I wouldn't move anywhere "for" my children as they are just as likely to move away again and where would you draw the line. I might move because it seemed like it was somewhere I wanted to live with or without my children. What I won't do is move away from my children. I am here for them if that is what they want and I hope they won't want to go anywhere else. However, if they do, they go with my blessing because I want them to live their lives as they see fit.

No way would I go where my children have moved to! In every case where I have known people do that, the children are either too busy to see much of them anyway or they move away again, leaving the parents without either their family, or their old friends! You stay where you've settled if you like it there.

I moved to NZ when my children were small and they were brought up there. I came back to the UK 20 years ago and both my children did too. One I see really regularly and look after my grand daughter several days a week. My other daughter and children I rarely see. When the one I see said she they were thinking of going back to NZ I said I'd follow as I still miss it and would really miss my granddaughter. My other daughter is busy with her career and the children are almost grown with their own lives.

I would not move house to be with my children, they may move on again. I have however been to the other side of the world (Australia) twice to see my youngest and I do not think you can go further than that! :-)

Must be difficult when you have children here and abroad and you are asked to move away. I could not do it. What would happen to your property when you die for example? Not fair on any of them I think. So I stay put. They come back home sometimes....mine did thank God! Another went to Switzerland but all back here now.

Can't possibly advise you, as every family is different. All I would say that it's dangerous to assume that the move to follow will be singular, as there is no guarantee that those you are following will then stay put. In our own case, we have a strong network of relatives/friends/neighbours locally, and are fond of and familiar with our local area, so particularly at this late stage in our lives, would be most reluctant to lose all that by moving elsewhere. We are here for our children, but if they chose to move away, we wouldn't just follow. It would be a case of "we're still here for you, and you know where we are, but we also have our own lives to lead... "

We have recently moved 50 miles back to where we belong, after almost 30 years in a place that DH's job took us to. Partly due to DH's poor health. One DD and DGC are in same city, which is great, but I'm aware that DSIL's job could take them away. However, we do have other family and friends around. Other DD, SIL and DGD's are 150 miles away, where property is cheaper. DH suggested we move there. They would be the only people we knew. I know they would support us, but my concern was that should, heaven forbid, our daughter pre-decease us, SIL and DGD's might be seldom seen, leaving us very isolated. This was definitely a 'no go' option. Might sound an extreme concern, but one for Gnetters to consider.

I have one child and I currently have care of dgd. I moved my dd to the other end of the country when dd was young so left my family and friends behind. It was very difficult but necessary. I am still homesick! I'd love to go home but circumstances don't allow it. My mum is growing frailer every time I see her & feel torn between being here for dd & maintaining this fragile relationship and being around to help my mum.
Not the other side of the world or even a different country (at the moment anyway) but far enough for it to be very hard ?

It seems to me that everyone in the family has to value closeness in the same way. If your children move away they are really signalling that they have other priorities and they will be the ones to move again even if you have moved to be near them. My children know how important their proximity is to me but for them,in their 30s, career and travelling are more important.
It is just a fact of life that your children become the biggest priority in your life and your parents less. Our children won't know how we feel until their children are old enough to move away.