How far would you go to be with your children?

We have a son in Australian (he has no children) and a daughter who lives in the States (she has two children). Both have urged us to go live with them or near them! Hmm! I'd love to be nearer to help my daughter with our grandchildren but I fear two things: daughter & her husband moving to another State (possible, they've already done that once) and us getting old and decrepit in a country where healthcare isn't a given if you don't have good insurance or funds.

My preference would be Australia (no guns!) but again, we're getting towards 70 now and we really don't want to be a burden on our son and his wife.

My other fear is that my husband will be the first to go (he has heart problems) and I'll be left here without any family at all! We live in Scotland and my own family live scattered around England so I'd be alone.

For that reason alone, if I had the opportunity and able to afford it, I would move to Australia and, if I became ga-ga, just tell me son to drop me from a surf board!

My 93 year old father lives in a care home 5 minutes away from me. Because I am so close he expects me to visit every day - is becoming increasingly dependent and demanding - and I am becoming increasingly resentful. Other residents see little of their family who live further away and actually seem more settled.

At one point I thought that when we retire it would be good to buy a house big enough for us to have half and our daughter the other. Now I wouldn`t dream of doing that as I don`t want her to end up feeling about me as I do about my father.

That's a lovely post Absent. It is hard to make new friends at our age when we move away from those we have known for years. But there are compensations, such as the amazingly close relationship with our grandchildren, and your only daughter. I'm sure you are very much loved and appreciated, even if they don't always show it.

I think the saddest thing in the world is to have no one who loves you.

You obviously understand the pull of family and in particular grandchildren, absent. Well done for following your dreams. It is not easy at our age! It is a gamble but I am glad it worked out for you.

I travelled as far as you can before you start coming back in 2013. My only daughter flew to New Zealand from the UK when she was 17 – letting her go and, indeed, helping her do so, was probably the most difficult and painful thing I have ever done as I was sure, as I watched her dance through the departure gate at Heathrow, that she would never return to live in the UK again. (I was right.)

I was there for her first marriage which I was certain was a mistake, but I had said my piece, she refuted it and I wasn't going to argue any further. I was there, at her request, in the delivery room when her first child was born. She brought him to the UK (at my expense but her ghastly flight) to show him to his surviving great grandparents. Such a joy for my ageing mother! I sat on the phone through the night offering love and support when her marriage was falling apart and her husband became abusive. Two weeks after my mother's death and my father-in-law's death on the same day, I sat on the phone offering as much and love and support as I could about the tiny, frail, massively premature granddaughter who had just been born.

Mr absent and I travelled to see her on a number of occasions – for three months on one memorable and glorious occasion – and paid for her, her partner (now her husband) and two of her children to visit us.

We could not have emigrated to New Zealand without the support of absentdaughter and her husband as we were too old for any criteria except the unique family one. As Mr absent had some health problems, which the immigration health inspector persisted in believing were far more serious than they are, we endured endless delays and sorting documents before we obtained residency. Absentdaughter was seriously on the case with endless e-mails to counter the health accusations.

We live 15 minutes' drive from absentdaughter's house and 4 minutes walk from the school that three of the younger children attend. They are here four afternoons a week after school days (and two mornings for breakfast). I no longer have number five for one day a week when we would go to the Aquatic Centre because he began school this year. I do look after number six for two full days a week. My daughter could not do the really worthwhile and responsible, but very satisfying job she has without my input on childcare.

I do far more childcare – especially in the holidays – than originally planned and I do get desperately tired. I haven't made many new friends and, as I am quite a sociable person, I feel a bit lonely some of the time. I am still living in a quite an expensive, although not particularly glorious rental house while trying to sell my houses in the UK so I can buy one here. (I have to jiggle the timing because I need the rent from them to pay my own way.)

This is not quite the life I envisaged but…one of my granddaughters rang this evening to ask if I could help with some homework tomorrow morning after she has had her breakfast here. (It involves having full-cream milk and absentdaughter always buys skim.) Of course I can help – I know what she has to do – and I am happy to be here to be the one to help. Tiny but important.

I have had moments when I have thought about returning to the UK – a very expensive business – but in my heart I don't want to and helping my granddaugher is just one reason why.

Yes Bluebell123, we are trying to plan a trip to see the family and grandchildren. It's frustrating at the moment as we are unable to book anything till we know the outcome of DHs treatment. If it's bad news and they still need to operate then they will do so immediately and then he won't be going anywhere for some time.

We are trying to get out and about as much as we can but it's difficult with daily visits to hospital plus DH doesn't really feel up to it although he is coming to the end of treatment soon so hopefully things will improve for a while.

It all depends on how permanent the move is. When families are transferred for job related reasons, they usually get relocated again within five years sometimes sooner. Too many retirees make the big move (leaving friends and other family members) only to get stuck in a bind when the kids have to relocate again. My eldest and her husband relocated several times. He had to change jobs so they could come home again. Now they live about an hour away and staying put was the best thing we did, in retrospect.

Dear hondagirl, Because of your DH's health your life seems to be on hold at the moment but I'm wondering if you would feel better if you made some tentative plans to visit your DD,SIL and grandchildren so that you have something to look forward to when husband is well enough to fly. In the meantime can you and DH have some days out together to enjoy what Oz has to offer?

My DDs mother in law stated that if one of her children and their family moved away she would move to be exactly half way between them both.
Well that's ok but our daughter and family live about 20mins away from us on the South coast whilst my son and family live in Scotland. I suppose this means we should live somewhere near Manchester. Not much help to any of us.

I am planning to return to London 1) to be near my son and his partner who I have a great relationship with....we miss each other all the time. 2) London is where I was born and lived for 50 years, I moved North 11 years ago with my husband and have spent most of my time going up and down to London to be with my son and other family members and really don't know much about where I currently live...so I won't miss it when I go!

My children live close by. I can help with GC easily and I like to help. We wouldn't follow one and leave the others, we're fairly well planted, we've always lived here.

Thanks for all your replies. There are some interesting and widely differing opinions. Nice to hear that Lesley4375 also feels like us. I would also like to point out that we are extremely proud of both our children and understand that things are the way they are as we have brought them both up to be independent minded. That said, we are an extremely close family and we were always brought up with a sense of duty and have looked after parents/grandparents etc. We don’t necessarily think they should look after us, but both our children have found it very hard coping with the fact of DH’s illness being so far away. We also understand that DD has a duty to do the best for her own family now but it still doesn’t help the way we feel.

Could we go back to the UK Mumofmadboys? It is something we have been debating on and off for nearly 2 years. It is expensive here, although some things are cheaper and we are dependent on the exchange rate. The main thing is you cannot get any pension/help from the government for 10 years so that makes it hard.
We nearly went back when they moved away, but it cost us nearly 50,000 pounds to get here and so we thought we should give it a go, at least they were in the same country, but we didn’t realise how hard it would be. Plus internal flights here are very expensive. We have to take a 5 hour flight and then another of an hour and a half to get to them. Also the exchange rate is a factor, plus if we sold here we would lose so much money in fees (estate agents make a bomb!) and so it is a bit risky as to whether we could afford a decent house in the UK. Plus, I don’t know where we would go as we have no close family in the UK and couldn’t afford to go back to the village where we lived before so we would literally be starting again. We were on the verge of planning to go back for several months to see how we got on and do some research tied in with a visit to our son but then we had the bombshell of DHs illness and had to cancel it all while he underwent treatment. The future is a bit uncertain in that respect so we need to stay put at the moment where he can get the best treatment.
I think it is the grandchildren we miss the most. They are both quite young and apart from us missing them we feel they are being deprived of the relationship they could have with us and we feel we have a lot to offer. When we first came over to Australia we were able to offer a lot of support to our daughter as DSiL worked away all week. Having spent so much time with them I feel like lesley4357 that my heart has been ripped out. Especially now that DH is ill with an uncertain future he feels he is missing out on time spent with them.
As I said, it was a long term project for us all to emigrate as a family. It just so happens we had to wait 2 years before our daughter could sponsor us for a visa and DS changed his mind after we moved here.
We are not trying to live our lives through our children, but would like to have some form of family life. We gave up a lot to be here and I am not sure if it was worth it.

I too have three children in three different countries and although I miss them dearly I m glad I have given them the confidence and independence to live their own lives and not expect them to live mine

Three children in three different countries, I'm happy here and love travelling to see them. I wouldn't move but plan to have longer visits once retired but would probably rent rather than stay in their house. Roots and wings are the two best things you can give your children.

I'm one of the lucky ones, both of my children and their families live less than 10 miles away from my husband and I. Would I move to the other side of the world for them? No, I would not,however I would go on extended visits to see them and the grandchildren.

...or even different parts of the UK

Notonan you think it's vital to move to be with family so what if you have three children in three different parts of the world ????

About 5000 miles. What an adventure! Terrific to be with grand children. New home, new friends, new culture and wonderful climate and quality of life. Wish I'd done it years ago.

I think that moving within the UK and moving abroad are very different questions. If you move to somewhere in the UK, you may well be leaving your friends, your established lifestyle, etc, but there are unlikely to be any drastic shocks. I'd certainly think about it, to be nearer my family, if necessary. Moving overseas, however, is a very different kettle of fish.

Apart from changes of culture, climate, possibly language, etc, not to mention the hassle of getting a visa, what about the financial implications? My dad's brother moved to Oz many years ago and I remember his wife (on one of their rare visits home when they were retired) said that no-one should think of moving there to be with their kids unless they had plenty of money to support themselves, particularly where healthcare was concerned. Don't know if that still applies today, but it certainly does in the US. My daughter, living in Wisconsin, says the cost of living is very high, including the various taxes they have to pay, and healthcare is a nightmare. They have very good health insurance through SiL's job but still get unexpected bills for things that aren't covered, and she says she can't imagine how people manage if they can't afford insurance.

Don't think the UK pension would go very far in the States, though it might be different in Oz. I wouldn't want to emigrate anyway, even if I didn't have my other DD and her little girls here. In winter, the temperature in Wisconsin can drop to -60!

I would never follow my children. There is no way I could be sure that they wouldn't move again, even if they didn't intend to, unexpected disasters/opportunities occur that change everything.

We live some distance from our children and it has been discussed, but we all decided that it was best for us to stay in the area we know and have friendship and organisational networks than for us to move to a new area and have to build those networks again, plus facing the possibility that there may not be opportunities to follow some of the activities we are involved with in the new area.

I think it's really vital that family move to be near each other, every member of the family has some other interest in the country/place so that it works for everyone and isn't dependant on living in each others pockets. I would move to be near my children when they have a family but only if its to a place where I think I can have an enjoyable life separate to them.

I moved away from Scotland 20 years ago, however, though I'm originally a Londoner, I've been dreaming of returning.
My Son moved with us, but was also pining for his life back in Scotland and got a job and moved back. My Daughter was at University in Edinburgh at the time and had lived there ever since.
Now I'm about to retire and I'm going to move back as I gave no tyes here, we are not going back to Lanark, but have decided to move near my Daughter & our only Grandson and we can't wait to be part of my Grandson's life. We would never be in each other's pockets, so hopefully it will be good. I have lots of good friends scattered around Scotland and I am looking forward to catching up with them.
May I add, if my Daughter moves away, I most definitely won't be following her, once we're settled as we will feel very comfortable living in Scotland again.

As DH and I are both only children and our DS is an only child too, we would move to the ends of the earth to be close to him, our DDiL and DGS.
Fortunately, DS loves where we live, my family have been in the area for well over two hundred and fifty years now, so I think it's in our bones! When he was first starting out in his career, he lived and worked 50 miles from home and hated every second of it. We live on the coast, us literally on the promenade, and DS one road back, and the thought of waking up and not smelling/hearing/seeing the sea horrifies us all!
DS also has his own business here, and although he could work anywhere in England or Wales, he'd have to gain different qualifications to work in Scotland or anywhere else in the world. So, hopefully, he'll be staying close to us permanently, although he's been warned already, he can't escape us

My eldest son and his family moved out to Canberra 6 years ago. As his partner is Australian and she had been working in the UK for 10 years it was always on the cards that they would go at some point. Their son was 3 and the little girl only 11 weeks old when they went so it was a big wrench. Luckily my daughter had a baby boy of 4 months and an older son then aged 12 which softened the blow a bit. So we have them and my younger son in the UK still. We have been out to Australia 3 times and they have been back once. As it is quite a tough journey we may not be able to face it once we get older. I feel that I could only move out there if the whole family went as how do you choose between your children. My eldest son chose to go out there but I could not choose to leave the other 2 behind.

We sold up and moved to same city as our 2DDs and their families but we soon realised that it wasn't for us. We weren't seeing as much of the families as we had thought as they were so busy with their own friends, families and work and we were missing our life in our home area. Fortunately we were in a rental property so returned home. It was well worth doing and we are really happy in our new home which is just over an hours drive away from the families, so we can be there easily if we want to be but we can carry on with our own lives. Like Lyndie - no regrets.