Daughter in law and husbands mother in law relationships

So glad I had a good relationship with my dear MIL. It was achieved by us being tolerant of our differences and the fact that she didn't think my DH could do no wrong.

In adding, the feeling of "offense" is the root to destroying most relationships today. Many words are spoken over text and not in person, that in itself is dangerous as it can be translated in the ways we may be feeling towArds that person at that time. To me, offense is the new sin. Op, if your MIL has said some hurtful things or maybe she's even name called you, maybe even some years back, the sooner you let go of being offended the better for personal health-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You cannot be responsible for her actions but you are 100% responsible for yours. If you don't want to visit their home, find a restaurant or somewhere else to meet up from time to time. That way, it is in a controlled environment and it doesn't have to go on for hours. In essence, she is an extension of your DH and I'm sure I breaks his heart that you and his mom don't get on as well as I'm sure it hurts him that his mom has not treated you well either as you are an extension of him too.

'Never' is a very long time...and she may be willing to accept the differences and bury the hatchet if you try. It's worth it - if it doesn't work then you might feel less angry because at least you have tried to patch things up for everyone's sake, and can then feel that the onus is not on you. Life is very short.

My MiL was the best and so is my DiL. I made a promise to myself that I would try my hardest to be the same sort of MiL as I had. Yes, I've had to bite my tongue, overlook things etc (and probably so has my DiL!) but it's SO worth it. But my DD had the MiL from hell, she said jump and SiL said how high. My DD did everything to keep the peace but it never worked. If I were you Sparkle199 I'd try to offer an olive branch, it would surely help things between you and DH not to have this elephant in the room. Good luck.

Sparkle199....I had a friend a long time ago who always used the phrase " distance lends its charm" as she had a MiL she never saw eye to eye with and eventually a rift developed. However I think that distance does not always allow family problems to be resolved maybe as easily as they could be if you live reasonably close to your family. I Guess that from where you live to where your MiL lives is quite some distance away. I think there are faults on both sides here. Some people are more outspoken than others and can be perceived as being rude and it will be water of a ducks back to others. Not implying here that she was not rude to you but maybe to her she was just speaking her mind. Your husband's loyalty to his parents now seems questionable? It does seem odd that he goes on holiday with them twice a year! All paid for.! Do you and him go on holiday with each other? Your adult children are their grandchildren also. You say she sends you a b/card...do you send her one? Friendship is a two way thing. There are some bridges to be built here..why don,t you be the one to start by inviting her and your FiL to visit you and your husband in YOUR home ...you may be pleasantly surprised in the end. I wish a happy ending for you.

Easy to say, hard to do. Forgive and forget. Life's too short.

Sorry everyone, but you've all missed the point, get enough abuse from husband I have been living with his domestic emotional abuse for years and his mum is controlling like him too. Was hoping to get some support, but seems I'm in the wrong place.

Sparkle, I suspect you would really like to have a relationship with your mil, if only she would apologise. She will not, and so we have stalemate.

I understand how you feel - not wanting to be involved but yet not wanting to be deliberatley left out either. Your dh is probably trying to keep the peace, even though he is hurting you by doing so. She is his mother, and it would be very difficult to cut her off.

I can only suggest one thing - talk to her. Tell her how you feel and discuss whether you could become friends, or at least be civil and polite to each other. If you cannot speak, try writing a letter.

Having been through a similar situation, my mil finally made peace with me when she needed my help. I was glad to help as it was her last months alive.

All you can do is try. xx

I have to say I am puzzled as to why your husband goes on holiday with them even though he knows you have decided not to have anything to do with your inlaws - do they rely on him for driving etc whilst on holiday? Have you told your husband it upsets you or does he think you are okay with him going? Does your husband know you were so upset by his mother? If so and you would like to be included again perhaps he could speak with her and explain how hurt you felt? I have a sister in law who says exactly what is on her mind at any given time without thought if it will upset anyone - she has always been the same and defends her right to be like that. I have learnt to just ignore her comments over the years,she is a nice person apart from what the family refer to as 'her gob'which even she admits runs away from her sometimes. You say you get a birthday card which shows that she hasn't cut you off completely surely? Do you send her cards for birthday and Christmas etc? If you don't then maybe you should start doing so. Next time your husband is invited on holiday with them why not say to him you would like to go too (if you do) and see what happens - perhaps you could offer to pay for both of you to go with them?

Woah, Sparkle199 that's a whole new issue, imo!
In your first message you didn't say anything about emotional abuse from your husband.
What is the point that we have all missed?

We can't miss a point that you have never made, or give you sympathy for a problem we didn't know you had! You are not in the wrong place, you have posted the wrong message.

It sounds as though you are at odds with your husband, mother-in-law AND children, and now you feel you are at odds with those who replied here.

O.P I'm sorry you are have a poor or rather non existent relationship with your MIL, only you know if you want to fix it?

I want to address the subject of some thinking the husband is to blame?
Why should he not spend time with his mother? Contrary to what the O.P thinks of his relationship with his mum, she is still, his mum and if he is happy to spend some time with her than why is he at fault here?

If the O.P hadn't fallen out with her MIL, she would probably be right there with them all.

It is an awkward situation here but to be fair the kids are all grown up. The real question is, does the O.P want to build bridges or just gripe about her DH going away with his mum?

Well done husband and kids for not making matters worse.

You got what you wanted and a birthday card too, she would be a hypocrite to do more under the circumstances, she has at least tried to keep communications open with the birthday cards.

If you were the one to put the embargo on and now you want to change your mind, it is up to you to make that happen.

Just make it up with her.

Oh dear. Life is too short!

Perhaps it is time go stop being a victim. Why put up with your husband's emotional abuse? Do you still have children at home?

If you do not want or cannot separate, is it worth trying counselling, or, if you are not already working, can you get a job, and or join some clubs, sports centre, anything to build up your own self confidence and sense of worth, so that you can stand up to your husband. If he doesn't like it he can go back to mum!

However, this may be difficult if the children side with him and his mother. I can see that you may be trapped and risk losing them. If this is the case I am very sorry, as there is no easy answer other than to make your own life for yourself even if you still remain together. Can you counter the abuse, for example by saying 'I am not going to let you blackmail me' and walking away. I am no expert, perhaps others can suggest a strategy, and counselling may be able to help with this.

Emotional abuse? Did you expect MIL to side with you?

It probably wasn't going to happen. I think youv'e shot yourself in the foot here. If you don't like him and you don't like her where can it all go from here?

You didn't mention abuse to us, which mkes me feel a bit used, answering something that is being unveied like like a fan dancer, you might at least tell us the whole thing before taking our time.

Emotional abuse takes many forms, I suggest you have think about what it is you really want and then go for it. Life really is too short for anything else.

You chose to stop contact with her. I'm sure you had your reasons. However you can't get miffed because she has carried on as if you don't exist. You sound jealous that she continues to have fun with your husband and family.

But it's not her house that caused the problem, is it?
I was wondering about that too

You seem to want her to carry on giving to you, enquiring after you but you are not prepared to meet her halfway.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other as my mother used to say.

You say you feel sorry for your FIL but he must be happy enough if he is still with her - and all the rest of the family seem to want a relationship with her including her son.

Have you ever thought that it could be you who is the touchy, awkward one? It could be a possibility.

You are the one missing out. I can understand how hurt you must have been 5 years ago, but the whole thing has escalated out of control. She sends you a card for birthday, do you sent her one. It is stalemate. Someone has to be the bigger person, what us to lose but pride. It is a difficult position for the whole family because of this rift. Is she all bad, cannot she not be tolerated for short periods.?
I would try because she is unlikely to spoligise for maybe something she doesn't know she has done.

'She was very rude to me and never apologised to me. I vowed to myself never to step in their house again!'

Can you clarify the above statement? It appears to be the primary trigger for all the bad blood between you. Do you merely want to commiserate with us or do you actually want to repair the (botched) relationship with your MIL? Either way, it's hard to comment without knowing what really happened.

OK, so ishe it correct to assume that your Husband is emotionally abusive and that his mother does not side with you but will side with him and be rude to you as she would rather protect his actions?

If your husband s that bad "I ve been living with his domestic emotional abuse for years" why are you still with him ? You say she has retsiliated against you by taking him away on holiday well I don't think you can take anyone anywhere against.their

The mother in law seems to have a good relationships with her husband, with your husband ( her son) with your grown up children, who all visit and stay with her but there's one person who can't stand her and has no relationship (which was your own decision ) so who s the odd one out ?

Look to yourself, you feel jealous and lonely so try to build bridges if you want to be included I can't see that happening though from the tone of your post

Sparkle199 - I agree with Penygirl's post. So, I'll pose again the question she put to you i.e. what is the point we've all missed?
There's a possibility your emotions are clouding what's really going on and that some outside help may assist you to clarify things.
From your 2nd post, I got the sense it may be that you see your DH's behaviour in your MIL and this could be the real issue.

Ok Sparkle, I hear you. I'm by no means an expert on marital issues, but have you told your DH how you feel? Does he even realise you see his behaviour as domestic/emotional abuse?

Now is the time to find professional advice, be it through RELATE or another organisation.

I'm so sorry to read that you are suffering and wish I could give better practical advice. You and your husband's relationship simply MUST be the priority here if you want to continue living together. I sincerely hope you will find your way through.

We can ony give an opinion here on the forum based on what information is given, so please bear withus all if we miss the point.

I wish you well dear lady. Take care. xx

Sparkle you said nothing about abuse and control from your husband so how can anyone have missed a point you didn't make? I feel great sympathy for you re your husbands behaviour and your MIL. However, it seems to me this is a much deeper problem than your MILs behaviour really. I'm not sure what else to say as I'm not really sure what advice, suggestions etc, if any, that you want