Coping with Difficult Member of family

I think Lewlew hits the nail on the head when she talks about "emotional distance". It isn't always possible to keep our physical distance but we don't have to become emotionally involved - lots of good strategies on here! I think most of us have somebody like S in our lives, I certainly do and sometimes I can cope with her and sometimes I can't. She's asked me for a "catch up" soon - wish me luck!

It sounds like too many people pussy foot around this lady S and this is why she continues to be the pain in the bum that she is being.

My advice is just be yourself around her, don't compromise yourself, there is no need, you won't hurt your family and friends in any way if you simply say what you feel needs to be said.. if you have something to say its ok to say it just don't say it in an argumentative manner.

It does sound like S is one un happy lady, especially as she goes on and on about her sad life

Sounds like she could do with a good friend to hear her out.

If you feel you really can not tolerate her, then say no to invitations where she would be present, it really can be as simple as that.

As I grow older I cannot tolerate or give 'air time' to negative /air drainer people. I have adopted. Grimace and nod!!! I value my true friends and family, but having only lost my mum 9weks ago I find myself,adopting her values, listen smile nod and the do what the f**k you want!!!

I don't think you mentioned how your son and his partner feel about S and cope with her. My point is: are they finding her difficult too? If so, perhaps you should confide to them that sometimes you feel like tearing a strip off S, but don't do so out of consideration for them.
My mother was a difficult woman to get on with in her latter years, and both my sister, my father and I were actually quite relieved on the one or two occasions where an old friend told my mother straight out that she was being difficult and unkind.
Perhaps S isn't just your problem, but all her family and friends' problem. If so you might get somewhere if you all took the line that being drunk is not and excuse for being downright rude and that her drinking has got out of hand and it is high time she went either to AA or Blue Cross for help.

Your life is your and you must shut out the people who drag you down.Being an addict or mentally ill does not excuse you making the life of another person hell.It is not only the mentally ill who have feelings that are important.Annishere no doubt your friend and your sons partner are as fed up as you, tell them you have had enough and will not let this woman impact your life a moment longer.

Sometimes we can't avoid the negative people in our lives. I have a sister who suffers from a depressive disorder and honestly how do I avoid her, I can't and nor would I want to.

If i stick with certain subjects like gardening and her new house the conversation is not so much negative as she is the only expert on home ownership and gardens. And while that in itself can be grating its not the usual I hate this person and that person.
And maybe I am the one who has an issue because we are actually going on a cruise together to celebrate our retirements! In a moment of clarity she even admitted we should avoid certain topics, yay!!!
Sometimes I wonder if we the "positive" people have become overly snobbish that we can't handle being around "negative" people. And sometimes we don' want to hear the other perspective. My sister can at times nail some viewpoints and albeit negative they are sometimes quite true.
I am lucky my sister does not have a major disorder but a minor one and sometimes our time together can be exhausting but other times we do have a good time and we both leave each other better people.
Maybe the thing to keep in mind is they have an illness try to support them but don't enable them.

Nelliemaggs Sun 11-Jun-17 11:29:05 I had the same kind of mother. She had a lot of problems with her mood and temper. My dad took me in hand once after one of her numerous out of control episodes chasing me into the bath and smacking me with a wet towel at age 12 because I put the wrong brand of detergent into the washer. When I told him what happened, he tried to explain she was 'fragile'. I think that was a mistake, as I ended up just giving in to her all the time, anything to avoid being yelled at or hit. I lost count of the times she called me and my late brother 'selfish ungrateful children'.

Later in life when she had Parkinson's I had to put all that aside and be the adult she needed me to be to help as my dad was elderly himself. She had few friends except for the church goers. It was difficult, but I got through it. Finally, her death set me free. I grieved under the weight of her wasted life and the loss of a mother who I wanted to love. But after a time, that burden lifted.

No one, not even a family member, should be expected to have to 'cope' with a toxic person by handling them as though they are 'fragile'. If S had a terrible past? Maybe that might explain it, but some people are just hard work. I avoid them, even if in the family, except when social occasions require it when I am polite and pleasant, but keep my emotional distance.

This woman is a typical alcoholic! She is addicted to the drug of alcohol (which is a highly addictive drug). She exhibits ALL the symptoms of untreated alcoholism: Poor Me! Pour me another drink! Have a look at the advice on Al-Anon's website. The only advice I can give is for you to detach yourself emotionally and keep your boundaries up! Good Luck!

I still cringe when I recall an incident when someone totally misinterpreted my (genuinely meant as a friendly and fun) comment 'best of British' to a prospective new employee and the retort from the person introducing her was 'that's not very nice'. I should have explained myself at the time but was shocked and embarrassed - I'm not like that at all. Sorry for rambling but the point of this post is that the phrase 'that's not very nice' said in the appropriate tone might be a very effective put-down when S is being cutting about others.

No one is making you socialise with this woman outside of family occasions and you don't have to sit and talk with her during them. Put yourself the other side of the room or busy yourself in the kitchen/garden/helping with grandchildren etc. when she's there. Can't you see you're complaining about a complainer!

wildswan that took me back 20 years to when my mother, a very difficult and demanding lady who lost friends easily, acquired a new friend who she met when her car broke down outside this lady's house. After some years, when mother was making the lives if her offspring extremely difficult, I asked this lovely lady how she coped. She said she was studying sociology and from the start she had found her an interesting case for objective study, something she said that could only be done by someone without all the emotional baggage that I and my siblings were burdened with. She admitted that she even kept notes.
If you were never close to S Anneishere this strategy (without the note taking!) might work for you.

S maybe Op's friend's sister but she is also Op's son's partner's mother so excluding her from Op's life is not so easy as it means missing events with family. Also a ncluding son's partner in a happy atmosphere will help her.

I wonder what the sister thinks and everyone else. I find it helpful when others share your opinion so when together you can share the load at the time and afterwards. I am surprised no one has challenged her but that would be a waste of energy, just lead to more whining and as op says victimisation I think everyone has concluded that the best option is to keep quiet.

Damewithaname I think this is a personality/thought process problem. We go towards what we are thinking and whilst she thinks her life is awful she will continue to make it so and will never have a positive attitude. Also the alcohol doesn't help.

I totally agree with Starlady, play a mental game with yourself. My daughter has a very difficult mother in law, who continually criticises her and more obliquely me. At family gatherings I just count up her negative remarks and the number of times she monopolises our new baby granddaughter.

We have a neighbour who is always negative, cant see the good in anyone, she is very bossy, and I find it hard to cope with. She will soon be retiring so I will avoid her as much as possible, I dont want to be influenced!
Annieishere, try to have as little contact with S as possible, good luck.

I have followed the mantra 'get negative people out of your life' this doesn't always work. People change over time, I have let go of people that were doing me no good at all, only to find that they have re grouped with others and I am the outsider and miss them now. However much people get on your wick, you do have shared history and you can't re make that, maybe you make their teeth itch sometimes.

Get a dog, I shall call my next dog 'Bunbury' they are a great excuse for non attendance.

S is 60 some years old??? She sounds totally immature. You have no obligation to be BFFs with her. You have a friendship with her sister that goes back a long ways.

Sounds like S is insecure and takes it out on anyone who is friends with her sister or NOT being her BFF.

No matter the reason, alcohol, etc... being hard work is not worth the effort. Be pleasant, but I would not extend myself to her. Her sister, your friend, is lucky to have you. It seems from my angle reading your post that S just likes to sabotage family relationships full stop!

In similar situations I have taken 'wildswan's' approach. I find that enables me to be a bit more like damewithaname (who may be correct, but there is only so much work you can do in a lifetime)

I also think that it helps to remind yourself that you are not responsible for her, or her life. It may be helpful, both for your dear friend, and your son & partner if you make S's life a bit easier, but that should be seem as a plus! I find that this thinking enables me to put emotional distance, whilst nodding & smiling.

Another thing that I find helps is to think to myself 'am I feeling strong today?'. If I am, and can cope, then I am happy to meet. If I am a bit vulnerable, liable to get pulled down a bit, then I try to cry off. This is actually a bit more difficult for me, as my similar relative lives at a distance, and meetings have to be set up - nonetheless, I will cry bad cold / tummy upset if I need to - it enable me to be positive the next time I have to see her (and of course, she doesn't actually see whether I am sniffling or not!)

Although I do not have the skill to be a writer, I do imagine writing her into a book, or what well-known character she would be. I actually find this a good distancing thing to do when feeling a bit battered by someone!

You're lucky it's just a friends sister so you can distance yourself from them if you choose. I have a sibling whom I see once every several weeks for 2 or 3 hours to 'catch up' Sometimes we have a great time and this sibling is as they should be and others I come home feeling angry and hurt after spending those hours being put down and the brunt of snide comments. This relative is more often than not, mean to me but extended family have them on a pedestal, the only person I have on team Kooklafan is DH but quite often my sibling brings him gifts and for a while he's captivated too. I have lost relationships because of this sibling both familial and romantic due to the lies. If this person was not a close relative, I would not have them in my life, as it is, I have no choice unless of course I cause a huge family drama and cut out all my other family as they will all no doubt take their side. Not crapping on your thread, just trying to let you know, you have an out.

Feel sorry for her, that she is so negative and down on life and be grateful your not like that. Switch off when she starts having a moan and go to your pretty place in your head

S has demons.You will be climbing up the wall wondering how much longer you can put up with her. Listen to her that's all you can do. Don't agree or disagree.She is not your problem let her own family pick up the pieces.

What is your son's partner's attitude to her mother?

In adding, she is fragile. She clearly has been through a lot and so she acts out in defense at a drop of a hat. It's her way of protecting her fragile self. People like this have a whole lot of hurt happening within them.

Avoid her if at all possible. When you have to meet try to count your own blessings in your head or steer the conversation in another direction. Always have an excuse at the ready so you can leave early if you've had enough. Good luck Annie.

I have a similar problem with my husband's daughters who are jealous of their brother and, pleading poverty while they have expensive holidays keep asking my husband to give them as much money as he loaned his son to do up a house (guaranteed to get his money back). It is awful to be with them and they're always wanting favours, showing off their new dogs and yet wanting us to walk them when they're on holiday. I find it very upsetting.

The wrong advice is: keep clear of negative people.

Negative people need people to pray and be posite very around them. It's the same as an alcoholic, one would try to help them see the light then leave them to drown themselves in alcohol. Most negative people are like that for a reason, that reason being hurt by those they've loved and loved hard. It actually makes you no less of a person than she is to leave her in a negative state of mind.
Often times people who have been through a lot have been traumatised in the process. They don't realise that this has happened. There are times when people go through things and they simply are not to blame. Life can deal some people very shirty hands and it's had nothing to do with them or their choices but the choices of others which have impacted on their lives.

If her sister is your best friend, remember that S is an extension of her sister.

Be the better person, stop biting your lip and start offering a more positive approach.