Coping with Difficult Member of family

I would keep contact at an absolute minimum. Yes, you live near each other and yes, her sister is your best friend but it should not be impossible to compartmentalise your social life so that you only meet at family occasions when there are enough other people around to dilute the unpleasantness .
Either that or speak your mind and live with the consequences for a friendship which may not survive, your relationship with your DIL and also your son.
You need a stack of "prior" engagements up your sleeve.

Just rant on here! - we will listen!

I once knew someone very similar and found it so difficult to cope with her. I did find one small solution. I began to think of her as a "client" - almost pretending that I was her psychiatrist. That way I would always be curious as to why she spoke the way she did, why she put others down, what made her tick. Obviously this was all in my head and I never voiced any of my thoughts. She became somebody I studied, rather than an acquaintance.

Obviously I avoided any unnecessary contact and was able to cope with the times we were flung together. In my more generous moments I could even feel a little sad for her. In my less generous moments she had me tearing my hair out.

keep negative people at a distance they taint everything,we have lifelong friends who always plead poverty and its very wearing ,especially as they are off on holidays every month,drive a top of the range new car and drink like fish.We've stopped seeing very much of them over the last couple of years and life is much pleasanter without all the moaning .

Good advice, so far, imo.

Another idea - entertain yourself - when you have to see her, beforehand, guess how many negative remarks she'll make or how many times she'll complain about her "hard life" and how someone else is to blame. Then count the number of times she does it and see if you're right. She'll be complaining, criticizing, whining, but you'll be playing a (silent) game and having fun!

There are people who are just like the 'Dementors' in the Harry Potter films - they whirl all around and envelope you in a grey cloud of misery, and suck all the happiness out of everything. This lady must have a miserable life - or does she seem to 'enjoy' her moaning and carping?

The wrong advice is: keep clear of negative people.

Negative people need people to pray and be posite very around them. It's the same as an alcoholic, one would try to help them see the light then leave them to drown themselves in alcohol. Most negative people are like that for a reason, that reason being hurt by those they've loved and loved hard. It actually makes you no less of a person than she is to leave her in a negative state of mind.
Often times people who have been through a lot have been traumatised in the process. They don't realise that this has happened. There are times when people go through things and they simply are not to blame. Life can deal some people very shirty hands and it's had nothing to do with them or their choices but the choices of others which have impacted on their lives.

If her sister is your best friend, remember that S is an extension of her sister.

Be the better person, stop biting your lip and start offering a more positive approach.

I have a similar problem with my husband's daughters who are jealous of their brother and, pleading poverty while they have expensive holidays keep asking my husband to give them as much money as he loaned his son to do up a house (guaranteed to get his money back). It is awful to be with them and they're always wanting favours, showing off their new dogs and yet wanting us to walk them when they're on holiday. I find it very upsetting.

Avoid her if at all possible. When you have to meet try to count your own blessings in your head or steer the conversation in another direction. Always have an excuse at the ready so you can leave early if you've had enough. Good luck Annie.

In adding, she is fragile. She clearly has been through a lot and so she acts out in defense at a drop of a hat. It's her way of protecting her fragile self. People like this have a whole lot of hurt happening within them.

What is your son's partner's attitude to her mother?

S has demons.You will be climbing up the wall wondering how much longer you can put up with her. Listen to her that's all you can do. Don't agree or disagree.She is not your problem let her own family pick up the pieces.

Feel sorry for her, that she is so negative and down on life and be grateful your not like that. Switch off when she starts having a moan and go to your pretty place in your head

You're lucky it's just a friends sister so you can distance yourself from them if you choose. I have a sibling whom I see once every several weeks for 2 or 3 hours to 'catch up' Sometimes we have a great time and this sibling is as they should be and others I come home feeling angry and hurt after spending those hours being put down and the brunt of snide comments. This relative is more often than not, mean to me but extended family have them on a pedestal, the only person I have on team Kooklafan is DH but quite often my sibling brings him gifts and for a while he's captivated too. I have lost relationships because of this sibling both familial and romantic due to the lies. If this person was not a close relative, I would not have them in my life, as it is, I have no choice unless of course I cause a huge family drama and cut out all my other family as they will all no doubt take their side. Not crapping on your thread, just trying to let you know, you have an out.

In similar situations I have taken 'wildswan's' approach. I find that enables me to be a bit more like damewithaname (who may be correct, but there is only so much work you can do in a lifetime)

I also think that it helps to remind yourself that you are not responsible for her, or her life. It may be helpful, both for your dear friend, and your son & partner if you make S's life a bit easier, but that should be seem as a plus! I find that this thinking enables me to put emotional distance, whilst nodding & smiling.

Another thing that I find helps is to think to myself 'am I feeling strong today?'. If I am, and can cope, then I am happy to meet. If I am a bit vulnerable, liable to get pulled down a bit, then I try to cry off. This is actually a bit more difficult for me, as my similar relative lives at a distance, and meetings have to be set up - nonetheless, I will cry bad cold / tummy upset if I need to - it enable me to be positive the next time I have to see her (and of course, she doesn't actually see whether I am sniffling or not!)

Although I do not have the skill to be a writer, I do imagine writing her into a book, or what well-known character she would be. I actually find this a good distancing thing to do when feeling a bit battered by someone!

S is 60 some years old??? She sounds totally immature. You have no obligation to be BFFs with her. You have a friendship with her sister that goes back a long ways.

Sounds like S is insecure and takes it out on anyone who is friends with her sister or NOT being her BFF.

No matter the reason, alcohol, etc... being hard work is not worth the effort. Be pleasant, but I would not extend myself to her. Her sister, your friend, is lucky to have you. It seems from my angle reading your post that S just likes to sabotage family relationships full stop!

I have followed the mantra 'get negative people out of your life' this doesn't always work. People change over time, I have let go of people that were doing me no good at all, only to find that they have re grouped with others and I am the outsider and miss them now. However much people get on your wick, you do have shared history and you can't re make that, maybe you make their teeth itch sometimes.

Get a dog, I shall call my next dog 'Bunbury' they are a great excuse for non attendance.

We have a neighbour who is always negative, cant see the good in anyone, she is very bossy, and I find it hard to cope with. She will soon be retiring so I will avoid her as much as possible, I dont want to be influenced!
Annieishere, try to have as little contact with S as possible, good luck.

I totally agree with Starlady, play a mental game with yourself. My daughter has a very difficult mother in law, who continually criticises her and more obliquely me. At family gatherings I just count up her negative remarks and the number of times she monopolises our new baby granddaughter.

S maybe Op's friend's sister but she is also Op's son's partner's mother so excluding her from Op's life is not so easy as it means missing events with family. Also a ncluding son's partner in a happy atmosphere will help her.

I wonder what the sister thinks and everyone else. I find it helpful when others share your opinion so when together you can share the load at the time and afterwards. I am surprised no one has challenged her but that would be a waste of energy, just lead to more whining and as op says victimisation I think everyone has concluded that the best option is to keep quiet.

Damewithaname I think this is a personality/thought process problem. We go towards what we are thinking and whilst she thinks her life is awful she will continue to make it so and will never have a positive attitude. Also the alcohol doesn't help.

wildswan that took me back 20 years to when my mother, a very difficult and demanding lady who lost friends easily, acquired a new friend who she met when her car broke down outside this lady's house. After some years, when mother was making the lives if her offspring extremely difficult, I asked this lovely lady how she coped. She said she was studying sociology and from the start she had found her an interesting case for objective study, something she said that could only be done by someone without all the emotional baggage that I and my siblings were burdened with. She admitted that she even kept notes.
If you were never close to S Anneishere this strategy (without the note taking!) might work for you.

No one is making you socialise with this woman outside of family occasions and you don't have to sit and talk with her during them. Put yourself the other side of the room or busy yourself in the kitchen/garden/helping with grandchildren etc. when she's there. Can't you see you're complaining about a complainer!

I still cringe when I recall an incident when someone totally misinterpreted my (genuinely meant as a friendly and fun) comment 'best of British' to a prospective new employee and the retort from the person introducing her was 'that's not very nice'. I should have explained myself at the time but was shocked and embarrassed - I'm not like that at all. Sorry for rambling but the point of this post is that the phrase 'that's not very nice' said in the appropriate tone might be a very effective put-down when S is being cutting about others.

This woman is a typical alcoholic! She is addicted to the drug of alcohol (which is a highly addictive drug). She exhibits ALL the symptoms of untreated alcoholism: Poor Me! Pour me another drink! Have a look at the advice on Al-Anon's website. The only advice I can give is for you to detach yourself emotionally and keep your boundaries up! Good Luck!