Should we be more selfish?

Oh dear Emelle's post really hit home as my poor husband has been 'sidelined' this year on Father's day in favour of DD's friends. They are going to spend a weekend away with them and my husband feels angry and upset and very very hurt.

Emelle is it really about Christmas or DD's hol?

We are in a similar position our DD has told us she Partner and three grandson will be away this Christmas (devestated) I think she though it would give us time to get use to the idea or plan alternatives but it just means nearly a year of being upset.
As far as anniversaries go we would treat ourselves its really our celebration no one elses so I would suggest a really expensive holdiay.

But Sparkle, what kind of message does it send your children to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage? That it's ok to treat people that way and to accept this treatment? You say, yourself, that it was the "Biggest mistake" to stay in this marriage when the kids were younger. Yet, you still find reasons to do it now. Maybe it's time to rock that boat and show your ac you won't accept such abuse anymore and that there is a way out.

DH and I have always celebrated wedding anniversaries just the two of us. Maybe because we couldn't afford a honeymoon holiday. For our Ruby we went to New York for a week in a very nice hotel. Go for it, enjoy your special day however suits you. And congratulations!

Go for it, have a lovely time together. Embrace the luck and love that you still have each other after all these years. Sod the children! I'm in awe of anyone that's made it this far. Have a brilliant time, whatever you decide to do.

if they have limited holidays then they should go on this one and YOU should be happy for them Its an anniversary and a birthday ,we have them every year ,it wont hurt you if they miss this one ...will it.I think you're being quite selfish enough expecting them to be there when YOU want them too .To even think of cutting them off in any way is ridiculous and OTT .Surely if you have spare cash and they need it you'd be happy to share with them...isn't that what parents do?

Definitely book a holiday. I didn't go to my parents ruby wedding - just never occurred to me - it was 300 miles away and I was busy with work and family, but looking back I wish I'd made the effort as they didn't make the 50th. Your DC are doing their own thing - as they should.

Oh, sorry, don't want to bite you with my life history, but I'm only 57 and have fibromyalgia, hip osteoporosis and osteoarthritis in my wrists asthma and migraines, but I'm not a quitter and keep really active!x

Grannypiper, wish I could act on your words of wisdom, I've been hanging around in an emotionally abusive marriage for 30 years, stayed to give 3 children 'stability' in the early years (or so I thought! Biggest mistake ), and now I know things are never going to get better only worse, but still here helping adult children, waiting for them to move out, ad I don't want to rock the boat and start any animosity or bad feeling. Not that any of them seem to really care about my feelings. As someone just said, live your life and let them get on with theirs. Trouble is, I'm too kind and caring always out others before myself!

My mother often said ' there are no pockets in a shroud'. I now understand that sentiment fully and intend to enjoy as many holidays and experiences as possible with my husband while we still can!

Have the holiday and don't worry about it. I don't think your daughter will read anything into it at all.

I was 70 last year. My DH suggested to DD that he organise a surprise party for me. My DD soon put him right and we had our usual birthday meal for the family and took a Baltic cruise instead. I've trained her well!

I agree.

Emelle, I hope you have a wonderful time together for the birthday and anniversary. Is there anything you have both always wanted to do, or somewhere you longed to visit? We have reached the stage when travel insurance starts to become prohibitively expensive and we are regretting skimping and saving when we were younger. Your family has been inconsiderate but we seem to have brought up a generation which has adopted different values from us. You are far from alone in experiencing this. Make up for lost time and enjoy the rest of your lives together while you can. Do what you fancy and enjoy it. You DO deserve it!

My husband was recently diagnosed with vascular dementia, albeit in it's early stages. On diagnosis I said well, now we have a diagnosis we can book a holiday and her response was , 'do as much as you can as often as you can!' Wise words indeed.

It's lovely to have enough money to spend on your family and I'm sure most appreciate it. But, as some have already said, you don't know what's around the corner so spend some on yourselves as well - without any feelings of guilt. Enjoy!

Happy Birthday, metro!

Give that lady a medal, best thing you could ever do, start thinking about yourselves. Life is too short.

Personally I would treat yourselves..and also say to your daughter that you're having a little celebration afterwards, so you end up doing both...even though the dates won't be quite right...I think you'd still enjoy it, And yes, I'd definitely stop the financial support unless their out on the streets! I don't know where this constant support of adult children has come from but whilst we've helped ours out when things have been critical, they just have to cope, as we did, otherwise. I don't think it's good to go around feeling guilty or resentful-and the shame of it is that it's often lost on them-all more important to us than them I think. Let go of those feelings and get out and enjoy yourselves, I say.?

From the other side ... I missed my own parents' 40th due to a previously booked holiday. This was because I had no idea they were planning to celebrate - they'd never celebrated any previous anniversary or milestone birthday (theirs or us children's). No slight was intended or taken. Conversely, SIL and family unfailingly plan a large family event at August Bank Holiday which we always attend, missing the chance to grab a long weekend away before term starts. Both approaches have their merits and de-merits m- my personal opinion is that attendance at celebrations other than weddings and funerals should be optional.

But why are you talking about the "Bank of Mum and Dad?" Are you and dh financing the trip for dd and family? Or do you often loan/give them money? Or is it just that you foot the bill for family celebrations?

Imo, birthdays and anniversaries are for ourselves, not anyone else. We can invite other people to share these or they can invite us, but it isn't necessary. So you're not being "selfish" if you and dh go away on your own to celebrate. Nor is dd being "selfish" to go off with sil and the gds to enjoy a great opportunity.

Hopefully, dd will remember in time for phone calls, cards, gifts or whathaveyou. Also agree with those pps who have said, maybe you can celebrate together on alternate dates.

radicalnan Mon 12-Jun-17 11:06:01 What a nice reminder. I make use of mine at every opportunity when aching joints or tired eyes don't get in the way.

merlotgran Sun 11-Jun-17 16:39:16

Happy 70th!!

Emelle... get going on planning your own celebrations. I don't think the younger ones realise what an accomplishment it is to be long-married. My stepsons just twigged that this year we will have been married 25 years (DH was a widower). In the rush of life, they lose track. Good on the birthdays, though.

Now plan something great and push out the boat as others have said. Go whilst you are fit and health insurance does not entail a loan from QuickQuid!