You need to get him to see his GP as something doesn't sound right at all....go with him & explain what his symptoms are But just go
Morecambe and Wise - the lost tape
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I despair!
(141 Posts)I've been married for almost 45 years. It's not been a brilliant marriage, but we've loved and raised two children, done well in our careers, enjoyed reasonably good health and are not strapped for cash.
Apologies for the long rant.
We took early retirement about 7 years ago and spent the first 4 years bringing our shabby house up to date (mostly done by ourselves). We never really discussed what we wanted to do in retirement but I know he always wanted to improve his photography skills, see a bit of the world and have a model railway (he has most of the kit in boxes). None of it has happened, and he doesn't show any interest in making it, or anything else, happen.
He sleeps 10 hours plus a night, so it's late morning before he gets up, so too late to go anywhere interesting. He thinks that driving 10 miles is a long journey, so being in a rural area means even the next town is too far for him.
He has no plans for the rest of his/our life. It is down to me to organise holidays and he tags along. It is down to me to arrange to visit our girls and grandchildren, and he doesn't seem particularly interested in doing anything with them (they are aged 5 and 3) - he sits in a chair and watches them play. He would happily stay at home every day and potter.
His conversation is non-existent. Today I tried to discuss the success or otherwise of comprehensive schools and he seems to have forgotten what they were, calling them Secondary Moderns, and telling me that our daughters went to grammar schools (they didn't). And this is a man who spent years of his life involved in politics, both local and national, and whose career was in Higher Education. The conversation ended with me in tears cos his arguments were factually wrong and he couldn't see that they were. He told me I was being bossy.
The girls have noticed all this too, and basically have stopped including him in conversations involving anything that requires advice or an opinion - they just ask me, and welcome my input. The most they get from him is "I don't know" or worse, incorrect advice, or even worse a badly-told joke instead that they have heard tens of times before.
Before we took early retirement 7 years ago he talked of developing his photography skills, travelling Europe in our caravan, setting up a model railway (he has all the kit in boxes in the loft). But he's made no effort to pursue any of these. I found him a photography class but after a few sessions he declared it wasn't useful to him. I have drawn up plans to convert our garage for a fabulous model railway but he has barely looked at them saying he is "not sure about it". As for travelling Europe, he now thinks a ten-mile journey is long-distance and suddenly has declared that he has always hated driving - this man had a Triumph Spitfire when I met him!
He is slow and plodding at everything now (he never was fast, but it all seems worse), declaring that "it is bad for you to rush about" and "I like taking my time". Meanwhile I am boiling with rage inside. Even his speech is now laboriously slow, and I've noticed friends losing concentration and wandering off before he has finished his point - which is usually not even interesting.
Everyone thinks he is a "nice man", and he is. He wouldn't ever insult anyone or hurt any living thing. But two friends recently told me "He's a lovely man, but heck, he's hard work isn't he?".
He's nearly 71 (I'm 65). Is this what 71-year-olds are supposed to be like and am I being unrealistic expecting him to have enthusiasm for things? I certainly still have plans and enthusiasm, and could cheerfully take myself off alone to do them, but I'd much rather we did it as a couple, or at least know that if I were off doing something, he would be doing his own thing too.
How do I spend the rest of my life with this bore? Can I chivvy him up in some way to be more lively and positive? When people ask how he is, his standard reply is "Oh, not too bad considering". Considering what? He is fit as a flea.
I say he is as fit as a flea. This is another bugbear (and I apologise again for the length of my post). As I said earlier, his hobby involves politics, so you can imagine that with County Council elections in May and the General Election in June, we have been out delivering leaflets every day. Except I have delivered 80% of them myself, either because he was too tired to come with me, or because he was so slow. I must add that I am not fit. I am more than a little in the obese range on the charts, and he is at the bottom end of "overweight". One particular day we were delivering on a modern estate of semis and I devised a route for each of us that would end up back at the car. If either of us got to the car first, we would carry on and meet the other later down the road. So I did my half, and back to the car. I carried on. And on. And on. By now I was worrying that I was sticking a leaflet through a door he had already done. So I phoned him. Yes, he was fine, he was just round the corner. I had delivered 175 leaflets to his 35. When I queried it with him I was told that his arthritis was playing up. What arthritis? Never been mentioned before. But okay, his knee was hurting. A few days later we were doing another round with the same plan but I made sure that his houses had no steps or steep drives. I did 160 with steps and slopes to his 20 on the flat. His response was "Just because you can go like fury doesn't mean I have to do the same". But surely that isn't normal to have done so little? Is it another example of him having no enthusiasm?
Sorry for the long post, I didn't know what to leave out to give you a proper picture.
Hi Madmeg I can see how irritating and infuriating the situation is for you, but I agree with others that this sounds very much like a health problem. It is so hard to slow down to the pace of somebody who suddenly becomes old before what you had imagined to be his time. Your life changes so much and it is something that takes a while to get your head round the alteration to your lifestyle.
I'm in a similar situation and BlueBelle I'm afraid I often feel angry and impatient rather than loving and caring, but like Anya says, you just have to learn strategies for coping and get on with it. Life isn't fair!
I think gps are more open to listening to relatives now although they obviously can't break confidentiality after.
My friends husband has been diagnosed with dementia . & for a few years before was showing loss of interest & quite difficult to get along with.
They were busy farmers ( cattle) , but he very gradually ground to a halt.
A health check etc for your hubby would be a wise step.
I totally agree...
My husband is 72 and had a mild heart attack three years ago, resulting in a stent.
He has taken at least 2 yrs to get back to normal - he was irritable, irrational and depressed. My daughters didnt see it and castigated me for being selfish and demanding.
He and is now fit and active, working in an advisory capacity a couple of days a week, walking and helping out in a small way with our smallholding and two holiday lets.
However, although he is still very competent with his job, he is very vague on a domestic front, very forgetful (but so am I at 66)and has trouble processing simple tasks or plans.
He is very easily disorientated in an unfamiliar situation - like driving in a strange place - and immediately becomes panicky and loses his temper. It is tricky to say the least, and my children are now becoming aware of it.
But a busy home life and part time work I am sure keep him in good nick, much as he complains at times that there is far too much to do and too many people coming and going.
My guess is that there is more than one interlinked cause which
adds up to an unmotivated poorly functioning DH: depression stemming from lack of a career framework, which builds upon itself.: No direction, no obvious role in life and no mental energy to address it.
Yes he may well have early signs of Dementia, but that is not the whole story. Somehow you need to find a way to coax him into a new interest, perhaps with friends. short walks in nice countryside, a pub lunch, nothing too demanding but its amazing how a bit of fresh air and excercise can revitalise a tired outlook on life. Have you got a dog??
My bet is that your DH has not got anything seriously clinically wrong but has sunk into a depressive torpor.
Given half a chance my DH would be very similar but he has to keep working to pay the mortgage!
I would advise seeing your doctor yourself and explaining your fears. He/she may well agree to to encourage him to attend an appointment for a general health check up, and she may well suggest setting up sessions with a mental health counsellor. They can work wonders- I know from experience.
Good luck!!
Annsixty, yours sounds the same as mine 
He keeps saying perfectly still out there, not a breath of wind. We've got big windows so he gets a really good view of the weather!
Sounds as if he may be depressed. I'd say a health check too - not just a physical check
What astonishes me is that you have constantly criticised him. Does it not occur to you that this could be something serious. Hopefully not, but many things immediately spring to mind.
Oh the weather thing!!
It's raining , no I think it has stopped no it's still raining.
Not abreathof wind today no clouds are moving , will you just look at those clouds.
What a day I have never seen rain like it, it has rained every day for weeks, this is the worst rain I have ever seen!!
From 8am until bedtime unless something equally riveting happens such as on Wed which day are you going shopping? How will you get there? How will you get back? This goes on until Fri/Sat which ever day I choose.
If we didn't laugh we would scream.
Neighbour had a similar problem and had asked the GP to send her husband a letter for a routine MOT. He did go but refused to let his wife go to the appointment and when she tried to find out - GP was unable to discuss anything due to confidentiality issues. In fact, he did have the onset of dementia, later became abusive and short-tempered. It sounds hard and was, but finally he had a stoke and never survived.
A change in behaviour or slow decline does indicate there is a problem, whether mental or physical. My very energetic and physically active husband is now lethargic and sleeps a lot and is happiest in his chair. Sometimes I think we expect too much of ageing bodies, some age faster than others due to genetic, environmental and lifestyle factors. I have never found anyone who thinks ageing is a piece of cake - but something to be endured and managed with fortitude and humour where possible.
Madmeg
My thoughts. Depression. Underactive Thyroid. Early Dementia. Talk to your GP. Get him to go for a check up.
Sounds like my situation. Life has come to a complete standstill. Literally as well as my husband's problem because I badly broke my foot. Not a good idea.
Some very good points Radicalnan - maybe that IS he question the OP should be asking herself 'what or who is she raging at'?
I think the whole medical route is an excellent idea but after that the OP must consider what WILL make her happy and shoot for that - even if its leaving her husband at home. There's no rule to say you must be joined at the hip- in fact I think its healthy not to be. It enables each party to bring something new to the table.
Good luck in finding a path that works for you both .
Feel for you Madmeg. My DH is possibly suffering from dementia, probably related to Parkinsons. I say possibly because medical opinion is a little divided. Unfortunately, I live with it, while medical people just don't get the whole picture, no matter how hard I try. The advice to get out and do your own thing is good, so do it now while you can. We're at the stage where plans often end up being aborted or cancelled before they begin. Sorry, today not a good one. It may well be nothing drastic at all, though, so sooner checked the better, though I understand this might not be easy. Try to persuade him to seek help with something that maybe does bother him, and it could be taken from there. As others have suggested, get GP to call him in for a supposed 'well man' check. Good luck.
Madmeg, your DH sounds so much like mine except that mine is 86 and not as fit as a flea. My DH has the early signs of Dementia, its gone beyond '''mild cognitive impairment' quite rapidly.
Its possible that your DH might have an underactive Thyroid which would cause him to be slow, tired and overweight. A blood test would tell.
You have my sympathy as it can be so annoying when they just sit there all day. Mine has spent the day making observations about the weather every 5 min, I felt like throwing a sheet over him!
I survive by going out and about as much as possible. His daughter is wonderful and will check to see he's had lunch.
Try and make an enjoyable life for yourself.
Madmeg - It sounds to me as if your hubbie needs a check-up with the doctor. It could be the start of Parkinsons, or Alzeimer/Dementia or simply that he is feeling depressed after all those years working. Try (I know it's hard) not to contradict or argue with him: if it is dementia he will believe what he's saying and not understand when you disagree. If Parkinsons, he will slow down dramatically...
I hope you find a diagnosis that is easy to sort and not a long-term issue, but if you do, please bear in mind that it isn't his fault and don't be angry.......
I'm 71 with high blood pressure, arthritis and I'm very active. Driven to London for my birthday weekend with kids and grandkids. On Friday going again to babysit while kids at a wedding. This afternoon going to Supply teach. Some days I have dressing gown days but......
My DH (75) is currently playing tennis having just returned on Sun. from a week gently cycling in Germany with old friends. I know everyone's different but I would be concerned about the big changes in husband's personality. I hope you get some help, Madmeg.
Like the other replies I do think your DH would benefit from seeing his GP - do you think he would be willing to go? How was he when you were renovating your house? Did he work hard or was he much the same then? Could just be he is tired out after all that work! I grew up with a much older Dad (he was 54 when I was born) and I clearly remember how much he slowed down when he was in his 70's - he gave up his life long hobby of being a Radio Ham (but part of that was because no one used Morse Code anymore) and he just gently pottered around doing crosswords and getting in Mum's way (she ended up going back to work full time but she was twenty years younger than him). Dad was never very interested in my children as babies, sadly he passed away before they were more than toddlers. Maybe your DH is the same. Still would be wise to get your GP's opinion though.
I will just say our local surgery would do nothing when I suspected my H had a problem.
All they would say was " it has to come from him"
Many months down the line I had to insist we went together after talking to the GP about my own health.
He was quickly diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I would say a health check up it could be depression or thyroid problems even diabetes, or he could be just turning into a cranky old man , either way you need to know what the problem is to be able to deal with it , good luck
To put this into context, my husband has spent hours, walking miles putting leaflets through doors for three elections this year (we had a by election in January too). He is 73. Since retiring he hasn't changed a bit and is always on the go. I really do think that your husband's problems lie deeper than just a response to being retired. I know that when you live close to someone, you cannot see a decline. Ask his friends or acquaintances if they have noticed a change. It might be useful to get another perspective on this. Don't feel rage, there may we'll be a medical reason for his behaviour. Have a chat with his GP.
Sounds really depressed poor man. Very frustrating for you. Get him along to the doctor asap and get him some counselling. He's no happier than you are. Very sad !
Madmeg, I am married to a man 9 years older than me. After a heart bypass, he went into a decline becoming depressed. Eventually this led to a crisis and my choice was to leave or to change how we went forward. We moved to a smaller house and I retired early. My husband still needs to sleep a lot, prefers to bumble around and it is me who organises holidays, family visits etc.
Gradually I have worked out that he is someone who needs an external organisation to structure his life and without work and family he is a bit lost. So it is my role in the relationship to book outings and trips.
Sometimes he doesn't want to come and I have developed a life of my own, going to Paris for a weekend, spending 3 days at the Women of the World conference on the South Bank and going to the theatre in London. I love these outings and together with book club, choir and cycling the canal and off road routes I have a full and interesting life. This leaves time for outings to the beach when the sun shines and working on our allotment together - both things that DH loves. He likes football and the pub and when he is out I practice my piano, a new interest since I retired.
So stop dragging him around. Do encourage him to get checked out at the Doctors but allow him to work at his own speed, do his own thing and don't blame him if you aren't doing what you want to do.
Spending 24/7 together is difficult and maintaining separate interests is healthy and natural.
Good Luck.
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