Unhappy relationship with my daughter

I have to admit the part about you and dh watching dd and family eat really jumped out at me. It seems so incredibly rude on her and sil's part. I understand preferring friends over family - some people are like that. But eating dinner while you two just watch? I don't understand that.

Could it be that you and dh refused to leave when dd asked? That might explain it, but idk. From now on, if you don't want that to happen, please leave when asked, as hurtful as it might be.

I'm also confused about your dual complaint - that you don't get time alone with gs, but that dd asks you to babysit. I think it's that you would like time alone with him when you and dh ask and not just when she needs you to watch him. Is that it? I'm sorry you're dissatisfied with your relationship with gs, but please try to enjoy the time you do spend with him. Don't expect more - you won't get it.

As pps (previous posters) have said, it's great that you get to see gs once a week. Some gps would give their right arm for that. I wouldn't gripe or ask for more. Again, please just enjoy the time you have. Fighting this might end up in your getting less time with him. I know you don't want that to happen and neither do I.

(((Hugs)))

She sounds like a very independent girl and you do see quite a lot of your grandson, you are lucky to be able to take him out on your own I know people who aren't allowed to do that. I agree the not feeding you is strange, unless money is short or maybe she thinks you don't like her cooking, do they come to you at all? If you can talk to her do, she sounds irritated by something.

Assunta, When I was first married at 18, my husband was very domineering and hated me spending any time with anyone including my parents. He also hated coming home from work and there being people in the house. I walked a very very fine line between upsetting him or upsetting my parents. I paid in many ways if he was upset and I definitely couldn't explain to my parents how things were. I'm not saying how that is for your daughter but just maybe the problem isn't you.

I understand this letter very much. Sometimes I feel like I'm 'walking on eggshells' with my daughter. I have two spot on grandchildren , well behaved and bright and pick the youngest aged 6 up from school 3 times a week. I
Love the eldest coming in and look after both til first parent returns. Get on famously with SIL . My daughter is a difficult individual and needs careful handling.... she is very strict with her children. I find that keeping your mouth closed is the best way to go. And recently my daughter has invited me to two family events with the children which I enjoyed immensely as did she I think and the kids. My mother used to say " slowly, slowly catchy monkey" and she's been proved right. My daughter and I will be fine, if I let her arrange our relationship her way. It might work for you.Until then enjoy your grandson.... and ask her if she'd like a free weekend and let him sleep at yours. My two have bunks in their own room at Nans and always love to come over. Slowly slowly with this daughter!

You have my sympathy, it's very hard to deal with. We also have the same problem with my granddaughter and great grandchildren, which has gone on for too many years so we decided to apply to the court for direct and indirect contact. Since this commenced, my daughter and I have been made to feel like we're criminals. I think legislation has pulled families apart. Now I write to my 3 greatgrandchildren frequently and save the letters on the computer. If we don't get access, I will send them the letters when they're a bit older and I hope they will understand where I am coming from. I have this has helped you to understand that you're not alone with this terrible problem, just because we love our grandchildren. Hoping you find a way to cope and don't give up.

Tread very carefully here, please. You do see your grandson, which is something many, many grandparents would envy.
To me this set-up sounds like one of two things. Either it is just the way the young live these days. They do not feel obliged to invite us, the elder generation, as we did feel obliged to invite our elders, and they do not see that we feel hurt, or dubious as to whether we should invite them, or invite ourselves to their place.

Much more worrying is the other possibility that comes to my mind; that your daughter is concealing something from you. Could she be ashamed to admit that money is so tight that she cannot afford to invite you to stay and eat?
Is she trying to hide that her husband/partner (is she living with anyone?) dislikes you, or that he drinks, or hits her?
One of the young women in my family will only meet me outside her home, obviously at times where her husband isn't home and isn't keeping tabs on her. I don't know why, and yes, it worries me, as I know of nothing we have done to give offence, so I may just be reading my own situation into yours, sorry.

I see my daughter whenever I'm close to her home, shopping or going out with friends, as long as she has nothing arranged of course, sometimes I go over at the weekend. I love to see my DGSs.

It is rare for me to stay for a meal, if I'm there at lunchtime I often take my own with me, after all why should she cater for me, also we have different taste. Don't get the wrong idea, she is very generous & it works for us. DGS1 usually asks if I'm staying for tea, last time I had been for a lovely lunch so I told him the truth that I had had a big lunch & wasn't hungry, sometimes I'm going shopping on my way home. The reason I don't like to stay is it disrupts his routine on a school night.

My DD spends a lot of time with her friends as I would expect, I am not envious at all. I do wonder some-times what GPs want, I think we can all be very thankful when we have contact with DGC there are many who don't have any contact at all

Try inviting them to your house for dinner !

it will be no consolation that the way your GS sees you are treated is the way he will treat his Mother when he is an adult. It will make you feel sad for her. I'm afraid all you can do is put up with her behaviour.

I don think anyone has to be some sort of shining example of perfection in order to have a relationship with their grown children! I'm certainly not one, thankfully.

What is the true issue? Fish and chips? Going out as a family? Her friends?

There are always 2 sides to these problems. My GC saw little of my parents when they were small as I did not want them to be exposed to my Mum's rather difficult ways any more than necessary. Her relationship with my Dad was one of contempt (on her part) and this was not edifying to behold, and I did not want this for my children.

People looking in from the outside would probably have thought I was rather mean; but they did not know the full facts.

I recently got some very sound advice from this forum and I've also come to the conclusion that communication issues are at the heart of every conflict.
Having said that, it sounds like there are some unresolved matters here that have more to do with your relationship with your daughter and less to do with your grandson. I don't think I would accept or try to 'normalize' the status quo, because it's not. You need to think long and hard about why your daughter acts so rudely towards you. There's a saying "..it takes two to tango'. Think about the daughter your raised and about possible issues that could still be lingering between you. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. At some point you will need to have to have a heart to heart talk.

How to avoid conflict? By being honest without being judgmental or confrontational. Use first person pronouns..." I feel, I would prefer, I don't understand etc. Avoid using pronoun 'you' except to ask for something..i.e. Would you....?. Avoid personal attacks at all cost as well as criticism towards DD or others...attack bad behavior directly instead of the person with the bad behavior. example...."I couldn't help feeling excluded when asked to leave."

Adult children can be very hurtful and they often don't realize how much pain they can cause. Despite everything, your daughter loves you. Keep that in mind. I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck.

Assunta I'm sure you haven't come on here just for sympathy, but for advice/help with your problem. I'm sure you will have tried to discover why your daughter seems a bit distant. I feel the same to a certain extent but there are complications and different circumstances in my situation which you probably don't have. Someone suggested you try to make light of things, another that you try to be grateful for the time you have with GS, I agree with both of these. If you "lighten up" you will feel happier and your DD may pick up on that and become more relaxed. I really hope things work your for your whole family.

What is it these days with so many of todays new mums and dads.
Withholding grandparents the joy of contact with their grandchildren.
Of course there are two sides to the coin but it is so sad for grandparents to be treated in this way.
I was always happy to let my in laws have as much access as they wanted to my two, dare I say it,little monsters. I only wish my own parents had wanted the same how ever that is another story.

As usual, we can only have one side of the story. This is a daughter who, presumably, you bought up for at least 18 years so only you can know what has gone wrong and, if you don't, then why can't you talk to her about it? If you can't, it doesn't sound as if there was ever a close relationship between you two. People on this site can only offer suggestions as to why the relationship has gone wrong without knowing the whole picture.

So, is she an unmarried mum and you disapproved, initially? Do you criticise her childrearing ideas and go against them? Has she got a partner you disapprove of? If you are not invited for tea, why do you hang about while she's cooking? Can't you take a hint! Do you invite her to yours? Do you smoke and she doesn't want that example around her son? What was her relationship with her grandparents; did you encourage contact? ...and so on.

If you consider yourself to be a paragon of virtue then your daughter must be the one who is a right grump and there isn't much you can do about it and you will just have to put up with the situation.

Be grateful for what you have. My daughter too has distanced herself in the last few years as we are needed less as the children grow up plus we get tired more easily. She sees more of her friends than of us.

I just put up with it and do other things. We are naturally fading out of her life for the time being, no longer the centre of her world though we are always in touch.

I try to remind myself how busy she must be with f/t job and three teenage children. We get invited a couple of times a year but I have given up inviting her as she is always doing something else - she comes when she can and usually without notice - so no need to prepare anything - baked beans if she is lucky. Works for us.

We are in an almost same position as you, we do not see dear gds unless we are summoned to go to my daughter house. We are not allowed to have them or take them anywhere. DH had Stents put in his heart she has not asked how he is. We were invited to go see gd on Saturday before her birthday but would have to leave before her party in the afternoon. I do feel sorry for you it is a hard situation especially as you have brought you're daughter up in a loving family environment as we did
My other DD is completely the opposite as is my stepson and family.

You see your grand child once a week. Your daughter is presumably working. I would not want the burden and cost of an extra meal for two to make each week. Modern working lives are so stressful and budgets so short that it is reasonable that your daughter does not take on and extra burden and cost.

i do not think you should see this as a psychological issue, just a modern economic and work stress issue.

If you wanted to change anything you might occasionally, as a celebration, order a healthy take away for the whole family if that suited.

I think things have changed, in that our grown children are more friend oriented today.
My mum's main focus in life was the home and family; mine was less so, and my daughters less so again.

AssuntaI have a few suggestions. Maybe you could, after seeing your GC, suggest that everyone go out to dinner and you will pay. Or suggest you bring in dinner from a take away. In other words role model the behavior you would like to see happen. Invite them to your house for dinner or lunch. Ask to take your GC to a park and then dinner in order to free up some time for your daughter and sil and let them know you would like them to have some time alone.

Be thankful for the time you have with your GS...when you are asked to babysit be willing...just enjoy the time you have with him

There's an old saying "If you want things to change, do something different".

Assunta We only have one child, a daughter. I always hoped we would be close but she prefers to be with friends/colleagues. It's only been the last few years that it has been this way. She used to involve us a lot more when our granddaughter was small (she is a teenager now). we still see them but not as often and DD and me never do anything just the two of us. If I suggest anything she is 'too busy' or 'has no money'. I just go with the flow now. We still see them, so that's something.

There is definitely something underlying here. Why would your daughter turn against you? I don't understand. Perhaps it might be you who can't let go and she may feel smothered by this. With the best possible will, you need to talk gently with her to identify the issue...I'm sure it will be nothing that you can't fix. I sometimes think I get on my son's nerves...he assures me I don't...but I make a point of "standing in the background" letting him know I'm there if he needs me. Hence, We have a very close relationship without smothering each other.