Unhappy relationship with my daughter

I haven't any advice, I'm afraid. There are lots of grandparents who would do almost anything to get to see grandchildren who have been prevented from seeing them due to estrangement. I suppose, in view of that, it may be better to stay quiet
I just can't understand people like your daughter though.

Assunta We have always been supportive and willing to help especially with our grandson but she has always preferred to cope without our help. Although very quick to ask us to babysit when it suits her!
In this paragraph you seem to be simultaneously complaining that your daughter likes to be independent, and at the same time complaining that she asks you to babysit..... perhaps she's as confused as I am.
You sound as though you're jealous of your DD's friends. Don't be. It's not worth it.
Do you ever invite your DD and DGS to your house?

Assents, understand you feel hurt but I am afraid there is little that can be done. You say you have a loving relationship with grandson, perhaps you could suggest taking him out for the day or could he come round for tea, if not at least you see him once a week. I would leave when she starts preparing evening meal, making light of it, no need for fish and chips either, not much of a problem leaving your meal ready to be reheated in the microwave. At least you have contact and things can always be built on. It's very easy to put your foot in it with some daughters despite that close bond they grew up with. I have no contact now with mine, it doesn't bother her seemingly but it breaks my heart. So enjoy what you have.

Tread carefully, things may improve but if you say anything it may disintergrate drastically. I have 3 grandchildren that I (we) don't see, I have no idea why at all.

As the boy gets older he may want more time with you and once a week is so much more than many people here get, make the most of what you have, It is frustrating to be treated shabbily but I think it just isn't worth the gamble of tackling this.

I think you have to accept what you've got. Once a week is enough to have a bond with your grandson. When he's older he might start asking his parents if he can stay for a sleepover at your house. As for expecting meals. No! We never expect a meal when visiting our son or daughter. They work full time, have children to look after. They don't need to be catering for us. As Lucklegs9 says "make light of it". In fact make light of everything. Be cheerful parents and grandparents. Don't be full of resentment, because your daughter is picking up it.

I agree with Assunta. You can see your grandson and babysit him which means spending quality time. You want more family time with your daughter than she wants with you. That does not make her wrong. I cannot see any option but to back off and understand that they like to have family meals alone with their small young family. I think that you need to accept the situation, being willing to babysit when asked, and enjoy your grandson's company.
Your daughter and SIL may be feeling pressured or under stress and, without intending to, you may be adding to that. Not everyone finds families easy.

I assuming that you have tried asking her (when you are both alone together) if she feels there is a problem?

I find this post a bit confusing. You don't say anything about SIL, do you get on with him? how much of this could be coming from him but your daughter does not want to admit it to you? She may be acting to keep the peace if her partner for some or no reason is against you or perhaps doesn't know you very well and is shy, or afraid of criticism.

Do you invite them over to you as a family? What happens at Christmas?

I would be happty to settle for a few hours after school once a week, and as he gets older, your grandson will go to bed later when you babysit, and you will get more time with him.

I agree that you should leave once they are ready to eat, and it would be better to make it seem like you are wanting/needing to go, rather than being forced out.

I'm sorry, it could be so much better, but also much worse. They are a family unit now, and you and your husband are extras standing in the wings. This is the way it is for most of us, alas.

There is definitely something underlying here. Why would your daughter turn against you? I don't understand. Perhaps it might be you who can't let go and she may feel smothered by this. With the best possible will, you need to talk gently with her to identify the issue...I'm sure it will be nothing that you can't fix. I sometimes think I get on my son's nerves...he assures me I don't...but I make a point of "standing in the background" letting him know I'm there if he needs me. Hence, We have a very close relationship without smothering each other.

Assunta We only have one child, a daughter. I always hoped we would be close but she prefers to be with friends/colleagues. It's only been the last few years that it has been this way. She used to involve us a lot more when our granddaughter was small (she is a teenager now). we still see them but not as often and DD and me never do anything just the two of us. If I suggest anything she is 'too busy' or 'has no money'. I just go with the flow now. We still see them, so that's something.

There's an old saying "If you want things to change, do something different".

Be thankful for the time you have with your GS...when you are asked to babysit be willing...just enjoy the time you have with him

AssuntaI have a few suggestions. Maybe you could, after seeing your GC, suggest that everyone go out to dinner and you will pay. Or suggest you bring in dinner from a take away. In other words role model the behavior you would like to see happen. Invite them to your house for dinner or lunch. Ask to take your GC to a park and then dinner in order to free up some time for your daughter and sil and let them know you would like them to have some time alone.

I think things have changed, in that our grown children are more friend oriented today.
My mum's main focus in life was the home and family; mine was less so, and my daughters less so again.

You see your grand child once a week. Your daughter is presumably working. I would not want the burden and cost of an extra meal for two to make each week. Modern working lives are so stressful and budgets so short that it is reasonable that your daughter does not take on and extra burden and cost.

i do not think you should see this as a psychological issue, just a modern economic and work stress issue.

If you wanted to change anything you might occasionally, as a celebration, order a healthy take away for the whole family if that suited.

We are in an almost same position as you, we do not see dear gds unless we are summoned to go to my daughter house. We are not allowed to have them or take them anywhere. DH had Stents put in his heart she has not asked how he is. We were invited to go see gd on Saturday before her birthday but would have to leave before her party in the afternoon. I do feel sorry for you it is a hard situation especially as you have brought you're daughter up in a loving family environment as we did
My other DD is completely the opposite as is my stepson and family.

Be grateful for what you have. My daughter too has distanced herself in the last few years as we are needed less as the children grow up plus we get tired more easily. She sees more of her friends than of us.

I just put up with it and do other things. We are naturally fading out of her life for the time being, no longer the centre of her world though we are always in touch.

I try to remind myself how busy she must be with f/t job and three teenage children. We get invited a couple of times a year but I have given up inviting her as she is always doing something else - she comes when she can and usually without notice - so no need to prepare anything - baked beans if she is lucky. Works for us.

As usual, we can only have one side of the story. This is a daughter who, presumably, you bought up for at least 18 years so only you can know what has gone wrong and, if you don't, then why can't you talk to her about it? If you can't, it doesn't sound as if there was ever a close relationship between you two. People on this site can only offer suggestions as to why the relationship has gone wrong without knowing the whole picture.

So, is she an unmarried mum and you disapproved, initially? Do you criticise her childrearing ideas and go against them? Has she got a partner you disapprove of? If you are not invited for tea, why do you hang about while she's cooking? Can't you take a hint! Do you invite her to yours? Do you smoke and she doesn't want that example around her son? What was her relationship with her grandparents; did you encourage contact? ...and so on.

If you consider yourself to be a paragon of virtue then your daughter must be the one who is a right grump and there isn't much you can do about it and you will just have to put up with the situation.

What is it these days with so many of todays new mums and dads.
Withholding grandparents the joy of contact with their grandchildren.
Of course there are two sides to the coin but it is so sad for grandparents to be treated in this way.
I was always happy to let my in laws have as much access as they wanted to my two, dare I say it,little monsters. I only wish my own parents had wanted the same how ever that is another story.

Assunta I'm sure you haven't come on here just for sympathy, but for advice/help with your problem. I'm sure you will have tried to discover why your daughter seems a bit distant. I feel the same to a certain extent but there are complications and different circumstances in my situation which you probably don't have. Someone suggested you try to make light of things, another that you try to be grateful for the time you have with GS, I agree with both of these. If you "lighten up" you will feel happier and your DD may pick up on that and become more relaxed. I really hope things work your for your whole family.

I recently got some very sound advice from this forum and I've also come to the conclusion that communication issues are at the heart of every conflict.
Having said that, it sounds like there are some unresolved matters here that have more to do with your relationship with your daughter and less to do with your grandson. I don't think I would accept or try to 'normalize' the status quo, because it's not. You need to think long and hard about why your daughter acts so rudely towards you. There's a saying "..it takes two to tango'. Think about the daughter your raised and about possible issues that could still be lingering between you. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. At some point you will need to have to have a heart to heart talk.

How to avoid conflict? By being honest without being judgmental or confrontational. Use first person pronouns..." I feel, I would prefer, I don't understand etc. Avoid using pronoun 'you' except to ask for something..i.e. Would you....?. Avoid personal attacks at all cost as well as criticism towards DD or others...attack bad behavior directly instead of the person with the bad behavior. example...."I couldn't help feeling excluded when asked to leave."

Adult children can be very hurtful and they often don't realize how much pain they can cause. Despite everything, your daughter loves you. Keep that in mind. I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck.

There are always 2 sides to these problems. My GC saw little of my parents when they were small as I did not want them to be exposed to my Mum's rather difficult ways any more than necessary. Her relationship with my Dad was one of contempt (on her part) and this was not edifying to behold, and I did not want this for my children.

People looking in from the outside would probably have thought I was rather mean; but they did not know the full facts.

What is the true issue? Fish and chips? Going out as a family? Her friends?

I don think anyone has to be some sort of shining example of perfection in order to have a relationship with their grown children! I'm certainly not one, thankfully.