Forgiveness

Before I read on, paddyann, I'm so sorry! Don't blame you for not forgiving, especially since your child was involved! Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't "feel better about myself" if I forgave someone who hurt my child.

I'm glad you left that book launch when you saw him. I hope he noticed. Let him realize he didn't fully "get away with it." Somebody (you) still hasn't forgiven or forgotten.

I haven't ever been really badly let down by anyone but I have, in the past, allowed people to take advantage of me. I would forgive them time after time, now I say enough is enough and just cut them out of my life. I don't hate them, nor do I think about them, they are no longer a drain on my emotions, time and finances.

MissAdventure - it is certainly desirable to be able to move on if you can, but as Bluebelle says, these people can leave lasting damage behind them - a bit like PTSD.

So even if the perpetrators are no longer part of your life, things can happen that trigger memories of the bad experience - like soldiers in the 1st World War who experienced shell shock and suffered from it again for years afterwards even though they knew the war was over.

Maybe the best way to cope is to find ways to feel re-empowered when bad memories are triggered. I don't know if that also leads to forgiveness in the end.

BlueBell - me too. (forgive myself.)

I m also not sure if forgiving is the same as moving beyond I ve managed to put some bad stuff with husbands away but they have changed my whole life and I would never want to see them again so I m guessing I ve just moved on really and not truely forgiven
I had one friend who I felt betrayed me and I wonder if I acted too quickly to say I never wanted to see her again She moved and remarried so I ve no idea where she is or who she is but although that was about 30 years ago I do still think of her from time to time and wish I could rethink things
I was burgled twice and had no difficulty forgiving ( or moving on) it wasn't personal, they were only things, although they took my grandads medals amongst other things and that still is hard to swallow but I never felt so bad about that I was a bit philosophical about it all although shocked at the time

What I find difficult, is forgiving myself, I spend hours totally unintentionally thinking of all the things I did wrong I m not talking about huge things but I seem to dwell on everything I got wrong I worry about things I have done or said it's totally irrelevant as I can't change anything from the past but that's how my head works especially in the wee small hours

I think its assumed that not forgiving someone means lying awake plotting revenge, eaten up with anger and unable to move on.
Whilst that is certainly not healthy, I think moving on whilst knowing that person will no longer have any input in your life is a reasonable, non damaging thing to do?

A very interesting topic.

People say you'll feel better if you forgive others who have hurt you, but I have tried and I can't because I am still angry about what I had to endure.

The perpetrators used to tell me there was something wrong with me, that all the things they said were true and that I had to be told for my own good. I was supposed to be grateful to them for pointing out my "inadequacies" and I was supposed to accept that they knew better than me what I was really like. The truth was that they were the ones who had something wrong with them and they knew it.

Although they are no longer part of my life, I still get upset when others behave the same way - even in fiction. I can't read tragic stories or stories describing cruelty to children because the memories come back...

If people find they are able to forgive and move on, that's fortunate, but I am not going to forgive them any time soon.

The best I can do is to pity them because they were inadequate and couldn't help themselves, and be grateful that I am not "broken" like them.

Someone we know was rude and ignorant to my DH while he was going through treatment for cancer. As my dad used to say 'I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire'. Fortunately she is not family and we don't have to see her very often.

My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly a decade ago and my father, brother, sister and all my nephews and nieces have shunned me and mine ever since without giving a reason why. My father does send them cards and money but that's it. Due to my poor health - from head injuries sustained many decades ago - we are scraping by financially (we were in debt and had the bailiff round in 2015). I have no idea what I did to deserve this and other relatives seem to have no idea and many want to keep their distance I suspect as we are poor and my family are rich...
Most people who get to know this say ' Oh forget about them they must be horrible people move on with your life!' But I find this hard as I always thought we were a close and loving family. My children felt unable to get married because of the painful gap in the guests. Luckily we won't have to explain it to grandchildren at all soon as they are a generation removed and my husband's side, though thin on the ground, are very loving.
I do wonder what my family tell people as to why I am persona non grata now as they must be asked occasionally.

I don't believe in harbouring grudges - damaging to your own psyche. Learnt many years ago that you can choose to release someone from their Karmic debt to you which benefits your own Karma, but when my ex-husband deliberately damaged my whole new family, including our daughters, out of jealousy and spite, I have never been able to forgive him whole-heartedly a second time. I believe sometime in future lives we will have to work through the hate and pain we caused one another, but this life is too short.

Could she be very unhappy Izzy? I have a niece who is a 'people pleaser' she will say any porkie she thinks will please someone she is talking to.

My sister has been telling lies about me for several years. I feel like I'm in a soap opera and one day all will be revealed to family and friends ,that these lies aren't true and that she is the baddie. She's caused so much upset within the family but now I just want her to leave me alone. We used to be so close but something in her mind changed.
I will never forgive her for the hurt she is causing me, it seems to just go on.
I sometimes wonder if she is mentally ill.

My sister started being bullying and unkind to me in a minor but stinging way. I tried for years to ignore it as she was scapegoating me when her family, DH or job became especially difficult. I kept 'forgiving' her and only ever replied to her increasingly insulting emails with calm, rationality. Unfortunately, it had the effect of appeasing a bully and the less I tried to take offence the more she felt she had to turn the volume up to get some effect. She has made me quite ill over the years. I have, at long last, learnt that she is never going to change. I try to ignore it all now and make as little contact as I can. It is very sad though. I recently looked back at my old photos when a dear friend died and it is clear we spent much time together and had a close relationship when we were younger.

My husband of 43 years dumped me two years ago for a so called friend of mine and left me homeless. Forgive him, not a chance!

Oh Sheilasue, absolutely not. I don't think anybody could expect that. No one else has that level of evil to deal with and yet a lot of us have found it difficult enough. I wish I could think of something to say that would help but there just isn't anything.

If I see genuine remorse then yes but can quite easily cut someone out of my life if I need to

How can you forgive a woman who has murdered our son
Nothing on this earth will ever make me forgive. And if you are thinking of asking me to don't bother.

There are some horrid people about I can't forgive a man who got my oh sacked by lying and setting him up .my oh is a very gentle man but to hear him say I feel I have let you and kids down is something that stays with me . I know this doesn't compare to what some of you have gone through . He eventually picked himself up and got a better job.

I send sympathy to all of you who have suffered so badly. Forgiveness, for me, is something that isn't just a once and for all thing (seventy times seven) and, though I think I have forgiven, find myself getting angry/upset/resentful so have to try to do it all over again. I still harbour a lot of anger against my SiL because of how he treated/treats my DD and DGD (they are separated) and against our MP (ousted at the GE) who after months of causing the utmost difficulties to DH and me pulled out of our house sale at the last possible moment. I believe I have to forgive these two men but I find it so very hard.

NannaM, sending hugs. I am not surprised that you can't forgive , I'm sorry that this hurt is still with you . Bless you xx

I will never forgive the man who sexually abused my sister and I. The abuse started before I was five and continued for several years. I also will never forgive my mother, who was told by this mans wife to keep the children away from him and she still kept on inviting him to our home, presumably because he brought her gifts and flattered her.
He eventually killed himself in a police station bathroom when another father made a citizens arrest and brought him in. Both him and my mother are dead now, but despite therapy and the distance of many years, the hurt is still there.

'Forgiveness' has to meet two tests. The first is that there was a serious offense to begin with, otherwise there would be nothing to forgive. The second would be that the offender has to show sincere remorse...either that or be dead. On that last point, the reason would be that forgiveness (of people who die) is God's job, not ours.

Personally, I am a very forgiving person (provided that second chances are requested sincerely and/or some kind of reparation be offered). Those who have hurt me and didn't care, have been cut off and never thought of again.

There are perhaps two or three people in my life that I have cut off that way and it's almost as if they ceased to exist. I feel fortunate that I now feel absolutely nothing (no love and no hate) and can't even remember their faces.

Sadly we have experienced a lot of difficulties with family some of which are too painful and complicated to air here, as they have caused such incredible emotional hurt. However, we have also be damaged financially by a member of our extended family who has stolen a considerable amount of money from us (our life savings) and we have been unable to get the money back. The funds were released as part of a property deal and represented a deposit on a house which the other party was selling and we were purchasing from him. Given our ages now, we will never be able to save that amount of money again and solicitors have been less than useless, just adding to the overall losses. I don't think that our trust is ever likely to be restored and forgiveness in impossible. The behaviour of the other party has caused utter dismay and disgust throughout the family.

To me it depends entirely on the gravity of the situation. I have completely cut a former friend out of my life after he became a neo-Nazi and nothing will ever make me speak to him again, as I cannot have any truck with a neo-Nazi.
Similarly, neither my husband nor I intend to give even the time of day to a former neighbour after we had to call the police on his eldest daughter's request to stop the man from murdering his wife in a fit of drug and alcohol induced rage. It transpired that he was a consistent wife-beater.
Lesser offences, I would definitely try to make myself forgive. Unfortunately, it is often very difficult to trust someone who has hurt or stolen from you.

I posted my situation with my neighbour some time ago after she misunderstood a situation and I overheard her saying "no wonder her husband left her". I had been looking after her for many many years, visiting several times a week, shopping etc., just generally being a good neighbour. She begged me to forgive her and I said I would but in reality I haven't found myself able to go back to where we were. I have her key and would always let her know when I popped to the shops in case she needed anything.
For a while I would phone to see what she wanted but she wouldn't tell me unless I went round to her house so I told her that if ever she needed anything, to let me know and left it at that. I went round when she had boiler trouble and again to speak to the bank on her behalf but never on the offchance. I feel bad about it but I just don't want to let myself into her house ever again for fear of what I may overhear, or just remembering what she said. I suppose picking on my husband leaving was touching a very raw nerve. Writing it down it sounds very petty but I can't seem to put it behind me.